Catholic or Whatever God's Hermit: We Shall See

Awoke this morning in great pain after doing nothing yesterday but resting, writing, praying, distracting with a film watched off and on while in bed--a view of times of racial segregation but two persons' bonding in unlikely friendship despite racial differences.  Each had his and her sufferings of persecution based on race and religion but became best friends through time spent in later years.

In the horrible, spinal headache, I thought there is no way I will be able to drive a distance even if I am intrigued in meeting the third party the bishop wants to have "vet" me and advise him on if I make the cut for the canon law-type hermits he has in mind for the Church.  I do respect the desire of bishops to have some semblance of quality, or such, in who ought be approved of as hermits in the consecrated life of the Church.  

And while I appreciate the vetting process and would love to drive and see other areas outside my small neighborhood and little world, the reality is that my pain level at this phase of life and after the surgery, is at a point that sitting to drive myself a distance is problematic.  The intermediary person had replied to my query, also, in the aspect of did I mention my pain situation in my email he'd requested for the bishop?  Yes, the intermediary responded that I had in fact mentioned my suffering.

So what is it that is not grasped here?  Why then have me drive that distance to and from, instead of simply vetting me closer by?  Surely there could be yet another person the bishop might know whose spiritual discernment he trusts?  Well, perhaps not someone with vocational background.  I never know from day to day how the pain level will be; but my main concern is driving a distance, for my mind then has to distract and depart from the pain, separate out from it in order to cope.  I will not jeopardize other drivers, that is for certain.  I have not driven but a few miles nearby since the spine surgery last summer, and the entire level of pain since that surgery has remained at another echelon beyond anything prior.  It is not lessening nor likely will.

I leave it all in the Lord's most capable purview.  I will do my best to not think on it during Lent, for while I can rev my spiritual desires to suffer more and have more pain to offer for the Church and for souls, the human part of me is likely not so willing to knowingly do something that automatically increases the pain and will have me suffering for quite awhile after.  It would have to be something truly for others, some major need, for me to knowingly do something that would increase the pain.  

But morally--I will not put others in jeopardy.  That is unconscionable to take on some feat in which I'd have to put my mind out of body, at the potential risk of others.  That is not in me, not at all.  There would have to be some major benefit to others--such as some life and death situation in which my doing something in order to help or save others would justify the risk of accidentally causing harm.

After Easter, we will see how the Lord handles this matter.  Much can happen between now and Easter, and after.  My pain would have to be supernally better to drive that distance, or I be plucked out by the Lord by then--from this life, or I simply chuck the vocation in the temporal Catholic world and in the temporal eyes of the Church.  Yet it does seem odd that since I did mention my suffering and pain, that of all means of screening me, of getting to know me, of vetting me, there would be this mode in which I must drive a distance to and from.  On the exterior, it probably is that once more people really cannot comprehend the pain within this mortal body.  On the interior or spiritual level, it is a challenge for me that the Lord is allowing--a test, of sorts.

It is one thing if I am being taken somewhere in which I do not have responsibility for a vehicle or means of transport, can take meds and stand or move about, rest, "zone out" or whatever.  But it is quite something else if I must sit plus be responsible for a vehicle of transporting myself or others, or involving others who could be at risk due to my being in-the-driver's-seat.  My hermit vocation might simply come down to a most temporal request that I will be unable to fulfill.

Yet, I do find great humor in this situation.  I am reminded yet again of the temporal Catholic world's layers of temporal distinctions and hurdles, of sorts, and the ease of the spiritual world's miraculous flow and ease of movement and mercy.  Jesus says, "My yoke is easy, my burden is light."  That is not always so in the temporal realm of His Church.  We humans are very much anchored to the temporal, and our lives are perfunctory and weighted, and we must use our minds to figure out.  Or when we feel we cannot discern or figure out, we enlist others to do so for us, which is quite legitimate for we tend to be given many responsibilities.

Bishops are given all the more to contend with daily and into the nights--heavy responsibilities of which having to spiritually discern a single, solitary Catholic hermit is but one more duty to contend with. I'm amazed this bishop is even bothering; it is quite generous and kindly of him to do so, and for the third party person to agree to also do so.  But alas, it may never come to pass simply because of the distance of miles and of a hermit with Adhesive Arachnoiditis whose last surgery has exacerbated the problem of sitting or standing all the more.

Whatever.  God will figure it all out for me, and part of my Lenten test is to back away, forget about it, and let Him deal with it.  He always has, always does, and always will.  There is far more to this Lent than this one development and situation of vocational designation between God, bishop, hermit, and the canon law.  But the humor and irony of this development is not lost on me!  

Truly, the Lord was so right when in that vision He lifted me up and showed me the too-young a hermit kneeling and looking glumly, excessively morose in full habit, a bishop standing by an exaggerated pile of stacked-up canon laws. Then I was asked, "Why would you want THIS when you can have ME more directly now?"  However, the bishop was not this bishop, and the Lord knows my sincere intentions of striving to align my spiritual hermit self in the spiritual/mystical world with the temporal Catholic world.  Surely the two ought align, and me with them.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit of God: Dying to Self; Faith and Works

I awoke quite early here in Solus Deus Hermitage.  Seemed mighty chilly.  In fact, late yesterday seemed chilly in here.  Sure enough, nothing showing on the thermostat--digital as most gadgets are these days.  Furnace has gone out.  Made a couple phone calls, and a furnace man named Charles is on his way.

At last I kept fidgeting with the gas-log fireplace that I'd been told needs a new part.  Probably does, but by repeatedly turning the knob could get the pilot to shoot into flame--and enough times of turning the knob at a certain moment--and the flames did not go out.  A little warmth and am praising God!  So much going on; my life not as simple as I'd like, but then, it is not best for me to stay in bed which is where this body is most comfortable.

No, I have to force myself to do the projects around here, that makes the body remain mobile even if for an hour or two of the day.  It is the added decisions that must be made, though, connected with the pray-and-work mode that is so positive an element of this illegal-Catholic-God's-hermit's life!

When reading the verses in James 2:14-26 this morning while bundling and waiting for furnace help, I consider that I have not been helping to feed and tend the poor in body.  Do my prayers help feed and tend the poor in spirit?  In faith, yes, they do.  But I want to also do works of helpfulness, tangbile.

Well, Charles came and checked the thermostat.  Simply needed new batteries.  I've not dealt with thermostats before; had a heat pump prior in Te Deum Hermitage, with a remote control.  Learning something new all the time, and this one imprinted a bit more with $85 fee.  I did tell myself what St. Padre Pio always advised:  Pray, hope, and don't worry.  True, in the morning when I awaken, the pain takes all mind and heart to contend with the body for several hours.  

I had tried remove the thermostat cover, but there is a little trick to it.  Doubt I'd have figured it out with my morning pain level; but also I'd not have met the kindly Charles, an older man who told me the trick of how to get the thermostat cover removed.  And, I realize that I am helping financially with persons' businesses and employees' incomes.  That is a form of charity, after all!

The added work of drywall removal has put my pain level at higher than the usual, which is my own doing, of course.  But, I pray and hope in God that the back muscles might be a tad bit stronger than had I not attempted the manual labor.  Otherwise, the hermitage is still cluttered with stuff not put away, for the bending to pick up items still from unpacking phase--is absolutely too much for the spine.  Easier to stand and remove drywall, using upper back and arms!  So it goes....  Pray and work, and at some point order will return in the externals, while most of all I must tend to interior "order" of mind, heart, and soul.

And for that, all the"busy about many things" Martha-aspect must be kept in lesser position, and the interior, contemplative, prayerful and praising aspect of Mary-has-chosen-the-better-part in prominence.  Within the better part is the good of denying self, first and foremost, and then taking up the cross and following Jesus.   

Following Jesus requires knowing Jesus, and to know Jesus means to read about Jesus and to read Jesus' own words in the Gospels, and to read what others have written--the apostles, those who knew Jesus while on earth, as well as to read what the saints and mystics write about Jesus from knowing Him intimately through their writings of their spiritual lives in progress when alive, and through their coming to Divine Union with Christ.  

Above all, knowing Jesus means very much, perhaps mostly, coming to intimacy through prayer and praising, through stilling the mind and heart and resting within Jesus' Love--the soul abiding in Jesus' Heart, Mind, Soul.  Being in love with Jesus is knowing Jesus.  Thus following Jesus and carrying whatever crosses, becomes an easy yoke and light burden.

What could I give in exchange for my life?  I can give my mind, heart, and soul to Jesus.  Thus it is that these aspects of what Jesus teaches us and how He lived His life on earth, and how we learn and grow in the Holy Spirit Whom Jesus sent to be with us after He ascended--these matter more to me than such as canonical approval as a hermit in what is a temporal vocation.  God already chose and approved me years ago--including His chastising me, correcting me, and forming me in the hermit life over the years.  

This current phase is also of His guiding and forming me, choosing for me His will.  He's pointing me more to the spiritual and of the interior of His Son and of the hermit saints than to the yet-unfolding of a more recent canon law.  While the canon is fine and evidently felt by bishops to be needed for some purpose, such as for supervising hermits in their dioceses (of which that part of the canon being upheld tends to depend on individual bishops and individual hermits), I marvel at the Scriptures and their emphases tending away from added layers.  

I've never had to deal with a bishop needing to be responsible for my hermit vocational supervision and direction; for as God's hermit, I have Him supervising me constantly, even if I have caused Him to remind me or form me with firm and strong means--often situational.  He's taught me the ways of spiritual combat, and of the power of the Virgin Mary in such matters, and always the merciful and loving omnipotence and omniscience of His Real Presence in all things of earth and heaven.  

However, I do not discount the good for those who desire also the more external aspects such as diocese bishop approval and being recognized by the ecclesial law, CL603.  I'm weary of adding on exterior aspects to what has been for over twenty years and plenty for me to learn and to strive in, with God always present and keeping my guardian angel on my case!  Perhaps the level of physical pain, also, allows me to yearn for simplicity even in a matter of a single canon law and adding in yet another person, granted a busy and important prelate of a diocese, or more likely his chancellor, and whatever involved per how they would want the canon law to be effectuated.  This would be likely a first for them.

Dying to self, laying down my life and not resurrecting more of me to such processes, has its appeal and sense of peacefulness.  St. Gertrude writes of her love of "death"--which when one reads what she writes, must not misconstrue that she is glorifying her temporal death.  Rather, she is indicating a desire to die to self and exist, to live, only in Christ. 

"O dearest death, you are my happiest lot.  Ah, let my soul find a nest for itself, may I always have hope under your wings. O saving death, you are my dearest ransom.  Ah, may you absorb all my life in you and immerse my death in you...."  ~ St. Gertrude of Helfta, Exercises VII, SC 127

I can relate with that tremendous desire for interior dying to self and living in Christ.  Today, yes, particularly after having gotten this body to the title company to sign documents for a mortgage refinance of which not just the lower interest rate was prudent in this temporal world of hermit handling own finances, but also to get the title into a trust which was also prudent, making my death and the legal paperwork involved with someone's physical death, less complex for whomever has to deal with it.  Another act of charity to others, it seems, to consider their earthly time and hassles in concluding the financial responsibilities of my earthly existence, once am dead and buried.

Also, this morning, early and reminding me within, the Lord brings up the question the confessor asked of me, regarding the nemesis of nearly 12 years whose focus and views on probably more than hermit life, have seemed to irk the person repeatedly.  He asked me, regarding that person, "Try to figure out what it is that might cause the person to become riled, then if you could avoid that."  Well, I think my writing of much anything at this point, will rile the person; but if I write my views of my hermit life, my thoughts and perspective regarding the hermit vocation, canon law or otherwise, that irks the person.  

But at this point, after all these years, even if I'd cease my willing embrace of an illegal Catholic hermit, not at all recognized by law or recognized at all in my anonymity, the person might yet be riled to react.  I suspect we differ in more than spiritual aspects, so pray and love are best recourse.  Simply keep writing of my spiritual progression in my God-chosen, God-approved eremitic vocation in this lifetime.  Keep striving to live my rule of life, the Gospel Rule, with the Nine S' in place; die to all else.  But above all, love God in Himself and love others as He loves; live to exist, in Christ Jesus, by and of the Holy Spirit.

From the Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to St. Mark (8:34-38, 9:1):

"Jesus summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them, 'Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.  For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and that of the gospel will save it.'

"'What profit is there for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?  
What could one give in exchange for his life?
Whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this faithless and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of when he comes in his Father's glory, with the holy angels.'

"He also said to them, 'Amen, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God has come in power.'"

God bless His Real Presence in us! Jesus, I trust in You!

God's Hermit: Christ of His Own Will, Chose the Cross

Been a busy couple of days here for this illegal-but-God's Catholic hermit, at Solus Deus Hermitage.  I decided to go ahead and remove the existing drywall from the upstairs' St. John the Baptist Bathroom.  By doing so on the wall with the sink plumbing, I realized the reason for an odd drain pipe configuration:  the pocket door!  Yes, the pocket door clearance--or the "pocket" within the wall by which the door slides into hiding--could not also house a plumbing drain pipe.

So now I need to order a drawer base that is configured to be 3" more shallow than the 21" vanity sink bases that will be on either side of the drawer base.  Plus, I will need to cut the angled drain pipe before the angle begins, and extend it 3", probably using a 22 1/2-degree ABS pipe elbow, and then attach the angled piece.  

It is not as complicated as it seems, writing it out.  I also need to figure out why two outlets (that need to be changed to GFI outlets due to being in a bathroom near where sinks will be, do not have power in them. All else electrical in the bathroom is functioning.

The hermit's body needs plenty of rest breaks.  Work is slow, but it does not matter.  To me, this is simply exercise and ora et labora:  pray and work.  And, exercising the mind probably is a positive aspect, as well; but I hammered into a wall that will be behind a floor-to-ceiling storage cabinet was not using the "noggin."  

At the time, the mind was far from the body, not even sure what praying about--when suddenly I realized that I really do not need to remove that section of drywall.  I now can either patch it or go ahead and remove it, and put in some better insulation material than what I'm finding.  Now a moisture resistant stone-wool product is made that is far better for use in bathroom areas than the traditional fiberglass insulation.

But off and on today I've been considering a commentary by St. Cyril of Jerusalem--wanting to re-read it and share it with you readers. Has to do with today's Gospel in which Christ's identity and purpose, His mission, are the topic.  

I find it marvelous to read of Jesus asking the disciples, how people were identifying Him:  Jesus!  "Who do people say that I am?" (Mark 8:27).  The disciples responded with the various identities that people were ascribing to Jesus:  John the Baptist, Elijah, one of the prophets.  Then Jesus asked them, "But who do you say that I am?"  Peter told Jesus, "You are the Messiah" 

After warning the disciples not to tell anyone about Him, about His being the Messiah, the Son of God, Jesus began teaching them how [Jesus] "the Son of Man must suffer greatly and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed and rise after three days" (Mark 8:30).  
Peter took Jesus aside and tried to say it wasn't so, began to rebuke Jesus for what He'd said of what was to happen to Jesus.  Yet, Jesus was firm and rebuked Peter soundly, saying, "Get behind me, Satan.  You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do" (Mark 8:33).

From Jesus' example, I all the more appreciate the various more negative identities given me regarding my Catholic hermit vocation.  These have helped me recognize that a hermit vocation is temporal, and being a "hermit" of any type or label is an identity of which one can become far too attached.  Identities such as this can become a distraction, as well; and temptations tend to creep in when we become distracted but also attached, by our identities, or of what and who we and others say or think we are.

Rather, I prefer to embrace my earthly existence regardless of what I identify as, or what others call me, for whatever ways of suffering may come in my being a follower of Jesus, and how I view and appreciate and bear that or those sufferings.  How do I react when rejected by the "elders," the "chief priests," the "scribes"?  (The "elders" could compare with the CL603 hermit/s; the "chief priests" with the bishops, the "scribes" with those writers who consider themselves regulators and interpreters of canon laws.)  

Yes, my focus turns from those aspects of suffering by the actions, decrees, or words of others, to Jesus, and to how in any way I can follow Him and identify with Him, in my hermit life--as illegal or fraud, counterfeit, Catholic, bad or good--as God's hermit, in actuality.  What is to be my reaction to rejections, to persecutions, to being detracted and discredited, to whatever sufferings of any kind--to even being "killed" in some aspects or symbolic fashion? 

I turn to Jesus and His life example in how to react.  I also turn to this commentary by St. Cyril of Jerusalem, early 4th c. Bishop and Doctor of the Church, for additional considerations as to our reaction to Christ's cross and sufferings, and how to make His cross our own.

"We should not be ashamed of the cross of the Savior but rather make it our glory.  'The message of the cross is a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to the Gentiles' but for us it is salvation.  For those who are perishing it is foolishness, but for us who are being saved it is the power of God.' (1 Cor 1:18-24).  For it is no mere man who died but the Son of God, God made man....

"Not by force did he lose his life; not by might was he sacrificed, but by his own will.  Hear what he said:  'I have power to lay down my life and I have power to take it up again' (Jn 10:18)....  

"He came to his Passion of set will, happy in his exploit, laughing at his victory, satisfied to be saving us.  He was not ashamed of the cross because he was saving the whole earth.  It was not some poor man who was suffering but God made man who entered the combat to win the prize of patience....

"Do not rejoice in the cross only in times of peace; preserve the same faith in times of persecution.  Do not be a friend to Jesus in times of peace alone, only to become his enemy in times of war.  You are now receiving forgiveness for your sins and the spiritual gifts lavishly bestowed by your king so, when war breaks out, fight valiantly for your king.  

"Jesus has been crucified for you, he who was without sin.... It is not you who bestowed this grace on him for you first of all received it.  But you offer thanks to him who paid the price by being crucified for you on Golgotha."

So I sacrifice whatever hermit identity that seems of value, of temporal importance, of legal status or of approval by the elders, chief priests, and scribes.  (This can include also  of the Pharisees who are above common people and are focused on church laws--but also see to it that the common people (such as me, a "common" hermit?) adhere to the laws made.  

I by my own will and desire, sacrifice approval and designation, whatever status or public acclaim or promotion of self or by others as anything other than how Jesus and the likes of St. Paul and the other disciples lived and died--following Christ.  But even Peter and Andrew would not allow their bodies to be crucified in the same manner as Jesus; Peter asked to be crucified upside down and Andrew nailed to a cross in shape of an "X".  They deemed themselves unworthy to even be crucified in the same fashion as the Lord.

I love the reality of which St. Cyril writes:  to make the cross of Christ my glory.  And to allow myself to be sacrificed, to be demeaned and criticized, to be as I truly am--nothing, a nothing Catholic hermit, a lowly bride of Christ, an illegal hermit, a nothing hermit of God not as the legal hermits approved by the bishops, not in the consecrated Life of the Church--but only a nada hermit consecrated in the Life of Christ.  And for this reality of my blessed nothingness in God's ALL, I rejoice and offer thanks to Christ from Whom I receive the grace to be through, with, and in Him Who died for me and forgave and forgives my sins.

So I am a nothing illegal hermit of Christ, of God, of the Holy Spirit.  I am one with all who simply live out our various vocations on earth, in the Church, for our temporal lives--the anawim, the poor beneath the stature of those with legitimate identities of distinction, recognized by law, through lawful means and honor.  

I lay myself down by my own will in Christ's will, to preserve my faith in times of peace and times of turmoil, and of--if I could but win the prize of patience!  That would be quite something, indeed!  And to win the crown of unconditional love--love of God in Himself and to love others as God loves--would be more than I can begin to fathom!  Union with His Real Presence!

Now to get up and see about this mortal, pained body removing a bit more drywall from St. John the Baptist Bathroom....

God bless His Real Presence in us!