It has not always been so, in the nearly 17 years since private profession of eremitic vows, or in the time prior of discernment and evolving into the hermit vocation. It has not always or even ever, been this way of this present time.
There have been phases within the vocation as this consecrated Catholic hermit has tried and tested various horariums (hourly daily schedule) and of the daily life formation involved in living "hidden from the eyes of men in the silence of solitude."
For me, the co-aligned vocation of suffering has provided disruption to what otherwise might have been a quite stabilized and disciplined schedule. And there have been times in which I did pray the Divine Office in all the hours, even rising in the middle of the night to read from the Breviary. Yet the reality of the circumstances in which pain or other temporal responsibilities intervened.
There have been times when this hermit would attend daily Mass and often more than one Mass per day, when I lived across the street from a parish and another time beside a parish. Of course, during pain sieges which can last a few days to weeks, there would be no Mass and little to no spiritual reading, and no set hourly schedule.
As the years have passed, and especially in this current living situation, the vocational externals have evolved into a less time-ordered schedule to a more present-moment unfolding. Of course, the good of such evolvement is up to judgment, and that by Christ. Yet it is difficult for me to not judge myself and to wonder if I am doing as God wills, or living my vocation as He desires, as it is so easy to consider the externals for it is more difficult to view with clarity, the interior.
Again, Christ knows the interior, as One in Three Persons. Thus the Trinity knows and judges and hopefully informs what changes and shifts I must attempt in order to be living and praying and praising. For God desires most of me.
The increase in years of life have brought an increase in suffering, and the circumstances of my life have unfolded in ways I'd never have thought possible. Such is the effect, in a great degree, of some mystical experiences along the way as well as some very concrete temporal events that helped shape and form the external responsibilities and conditions of my life as a consecrated Catholic hermit.
For better or worse, what is of crucial value is the mind's, heart's, and soul's intentions. Doing all for love of God, making decisions as best one can through prayer and then attempting to listen to answers, and in consideration of charity of those in one's life--these elements ensure that one at least is seeking to do all for God, in His will.
In these past four years-plus, the temporal circumstances could have been met with an early-on decision to simply bail out of this hermitage that was purchased with all good intentions and high hopes. The dwelling is set in a lovely spot for quiet prayerfulness and a rather ideal location for a consecrated hermit. Yet, the living conditions soon revealed themselves to be unsafe and unhealthy, with the place needing to be gutted. Enough surface demolition had been done that to try to sell "as is" would not have been all that honest nor prudent. One major consideration: a hermit must be able to sustain him- or herself financially. To bail out would have meant great financial losses without a set means to replenish the funds.
Thus, a phase unfolded of more external emphasis on manual labor and also of learning construction skills of all types with new tools to learn. Then there were the interactions with workers for awhile, and learning that people can be dishonest and also not that capable in the skills they espouse they possess. Then there were the interactions with purchasing supplies from stores, and some of those products being defective involving the mind and energy of body to be in effort of righting wrongs.
And in all this, there was great suffering. Suffering includes physical pain from added hardships of cold living conditions, of rat urine and feces and dead rats and birds in the walls, crawlspaces, ceilings, and attic, as well as suffering from the chronic pain from back and neck injury of years past. There was the painful suffering of having been deceived by those involved in the sale of this property and others selling their services and wares, so to speak. Yet there have been the great and heroic, holy people who have helped and offered instruction and support as well as marvelous material deals on supplies needed.
There have been times of attending Mass; but the mystical state, known as a mystical ecstasy, that occurs during Mass, has been problematic for priests and parishioners to the point that along with the difficulty in sitting for any length of time due to the increasing back troubles, it became best to remain in the hermitage. Only within the past year did a couple from the parish begin bringing Communion on Sunday mornings. God bless them.
And it has evolved that even trying to do spiritual reading other than when mentally freed enough to absorb, is not often these days and nights. Always, though, first thing in the morning I read the Living Word, the daily Mass Scriptures.
In previous phases, what had been a mainstay of my hermit life with hours spent in lectio divina and various genre of spiritual reading, and even of daily writing of spiritual matters and reflective of Scripture and the writings of spiritual masters--are not the current phase. The mind has currently needed to be sharpened to operating power saws and nail guns, of figuring framing and plumbing and even some electrical efforts. Often enough, the body has been simply weary and seeks simple distractions, visual, auditory, more mindless in content. Easy.
Yet what has risen to the top of each present moment, has been the closeness to the Lord Jesus Christ which is evolving as the highlight of this current phase of a few years. The praying has not been with memorized prayers as much as I used to pray these, or the devotions of which I wholeheartedly loved and repeated and celebrated. Even though I knew and know how vibrant and desired are the prayers and devotions--many came by the private revelations of saints as received from Christ, the Virgin Mary,discerned and documented in their veracity--I am not in that phase of zeal or discipline.
Instead, the praying now has been in whatever thoughts have come while working. Whatever holy insights or instructions of spiritual benefit come in the periphery of the mind and heart and soul with body at work or in physical suffering, even while distracting with news or peaceful voices and scenery in video form. Yet the daily miracles occur in that the Lord has allowed me to attempt to make "all things new"--and to use skills newly learned and to successfully accomplish amazing tasks by His grace and with His assistance, often through the instruction or help by others.
So my perspective on my own phases as a hermit, has broadened and deepened. I no longer consider anything a set condition or how a hermit's daily life or prayer routine ought be. There is more understanding of St. Paul's "praying always". Within that "always" set forth by God are the ways and forms and words and wordlessness that prayer can become when we let go of what we think prayer ought be.
In the next months (if the Lord gives me days or months or longer here on earth) this current phase may turn to a more set discipline in an horarium-type hermit. There may be a return to schedule of religious life, of set times of verbal and mental prayer, of praising God, of attending formal, liturgical worship, of receiving weekly the Eucharist in tangible Host or in spiritual communion.
I do not know what is ahead, other than the Lord will guide and structure this hermit's existence and consecrated vocation in whatever ways and means He desires. He certainly surprised me with these past four-plus years and the honing of hermit existence in ways I'd never have accomplished without being here, enduring this, struggling along, learning a blind faith never imagined.
My role and place must be in the Lord's heart, remaining in His Love. I must try not doubting His Real Presence and the power and truth in even the smallest and most distracted prayer of love in His Love, and love of others as God loves.
Pray, listen, praise, and offer the sufferings. This phase, as all phases, shall pass. The Lord will reveal whatever next phase and phases. God bless His Real Presence in us!
