Illegal Catholic Hermit: Reminder of St. Francis of Paoli

Early this morning came a text from the (new) spiritual father, the hermit-priest.  It was a quote from St. Francis of Paoli.  Memories of being in Austria visiting a priest whom my son and I had sacrificed soda pop and what was for us rare times eating at Burger King on two-for-one coupons--saved whatever we could from my low income, in order to send money to help him get through seminary in India.  

After my parents passed and left my elder sisters and myself their hard-earned money and savings, the then priest, Fr., stationed in Europe, invited me to visit.  That was a massive undertaking but the pain not as it is now in comparison.  Much about that experience I could write about.  It was truncated after a bizarre ordeal with a demoniac woman and a lung ailment; but prior to that bizarre incident, Fr. took me to various monasteries in Wein area, and one happened to have a statue of St. Francis of Paola--and it happened to be on April 2--the saint's date of death and Feast Day!  God is so good to us!

And while I realized that Fr. was not fully "plugged in" to his priestly life and duties in his small parish, he evidently did not realize the joy of giving one's all, for many of the priests in the area lived similarly, not offering confession time other than appointment.  But what I suppose grieved me most was his leaving out part of the Mass readings at Mass, shortening it, and of not interested in added reading but more interested in computers.  So be it.  We lost contact over the years.

(And I do recognize that often I am not fully "plugged in" to my life in Christ, or so it seems to me in my own self-examination of which I pray to be my own worst critic.  May the Lord help me to have all prongs in the "spiritual socket" and to keep them there!)

But I will not forget his kindness in showing me the area, and I would go into the inner city of Wien, where I found St. Peter's Church not far from St. Stephen's Cathedral, and at St. Peter's Church I happened to meet a priest. Fr. M., who was from Austria but reared and through seminary in the United States.  He was among the Opus Dei, and the Opus Dei priests staffed St. Peter's, and it was a thriving, alive parish, with the sacraments offered daily, such as confession, and several daily masses, with people there in great numbers, hungry for the Faith!  

I have quite an amazing situation of which I ought to write at some point, that occurred during the couple of weeks there, which included another prong of that trip, of being in Giens, France, where I had the demoniac encounter most horrific, but the prayers of the priest I happened to meet on a train, who happened to be the priest in St. Peters, Vienna, saved my life.  But for another time, when my mind, heart, and soul feel capable of going back into that horrific ordeal, but to share the miraculous ways God lines up persons and situations in our lives, to redound in His glory and power and love of us in every detail of our daily lives.

This morning's text from the spiritual father, now, here, brings the memories of Fr. hosting me, and despite his not being very excited about spending time in the monasteries--he nonetheless gave much of himself in being the very best host, and I was so grateful.  I'd taken him what I thought he'd love--a rare, old volume from my spiritual library; but his disappointment or perhaps better word, "ennui" with it, gave me a better idea, for he was most fascinated by my small, 9" Apple laptop.  

I ended up telling him that I could tell the book was not his "thing," and gave him the laptop as a thank you gift for his hosting me.  He leapt to get the book and handed it back to me.  He was elated over my gifting him my laptop, came alive with eagerness, and made no waste of time driving us to an Apple store where I paid to have the laptop cleared of all my personal effects, and adapted to his needs.  

It was for me a rather significant detachment and major gift expenditure, but the Lord loves a cheerful giver, and I realized I ought accept and love Fr. where he "is" in his spiritual life, although on the way to the airport, when I was quite ill from what I caught when in the terrible ordeal with the demoniac in south of France, I did suggest to the young priest, the good of pouring ourselves out for Christ and His Church.  

So I tried, and that is all we can do.  We keep praying, and we also can re-check and examine our own spiritual lives.  We have phases of lesser than greater focus in our spiritual effort and grace; even now, I pray for more focus on the spiritual, to have my identity in God alone, solus Deus, and to be "fully charged" with all prongs in the socket of His Real Presence, so to speak.

From St. Francis of Paoli:

"Fix your minds on the passion of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Inflamed with love for us, He came down from Heaven to redeem us.  For our sake He endured all torment of body and soul and shrank from no bodily pain.  He Himself gave us our example of perfect patience and love.  We, then, are to be patient in adversity."

I'm grateful to my spiritual father for his always focusing me on Christ Jesus.  I texted back some thoughts to which he responded:  Yes!  Amen!  

"I find Him in my pain.  Who chooses, who accepts, who decides, other than Jesus?  Who's law but God's law of Love?"

This is the truth and of Whom I am beholden above all others and all else.  It will be fascinating to discover if the temporal laws even if of the Church, will align with God's law, of God's having chosen me as His hermit.  I think the worst effect for me is of having so many flashbacks of times in the past, when I was not hidden and in God's protective custody, His solitary confinement, and when my mystic little self could not pass unnoticed during Mass in the other place, or when the Lord showed me things that I finally had to point out in order to avoid serious wrong that was going to occur.  

But my mystic self, of which it is rather an affliction--is being born a mystic--in the temporal world of our times, was "outed" though not by my preference; my "cover" blown, and word spread among priests who reacted defensively, of which who could blame them?  We are yet quite human, and along with parishioners, what is not understood or who or what seems outside the norm, is by human nature suspect and threatening.  

We thus become conformed more to Jesus Christ who shows us the way, the truth, and the life.  "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."  This is for all of us.  We truly do not know what we are doing, but only in the Lord do we have forgiveness and grace.

Being an Illegal Catholic hermit seems comfortable and good.  I think of St. Peter and St. Paul in chains; they are best of company in the prison population.  What approval is better than the Lord's?  Yet still, will be good to find out if the temporal good of Church law intends aligns with what God chose in me as His hermit, and who also chose me to become a Catholic so many years ago.  I think my greatest concern is that of losing the delight of nothingness, as I am His nothing, His poor, gray dove.  What the Lord Himself tells us over the years, with the content of the messages not altering in intent and purpose, even if the words, the adjectives vary, stays with us as if branded within our minds, hearts, and souls.  

Thus I prefer hiddenness; I am comforted and secure in God's protective custody, in His solitary confinement.  I suppose that element of concern that CL603 could disrupt that if a bishop prefers added ceremony or a Mass, or would want to publicize or announce, or have more exposure than nothingness and obscurity.  I also have observed in CL603 hermits--not just the one--that there is an element of pride that can creep in, or even overtly jump in, and the externals and promotion, even self-promotion, becomes a part of what I always need reminding, myself--that it is but a temporal vocation, an earthly vehicle intended to aid the soul's progression.  Our reality, our identity, is always to be Jesus Christ and Him Crucified.

Being an Illegal Catholic Hermit thus has more appeal, more goodness in various considerations.  It is that of being a prisoner of the Lord, and an outcast of sorts as to any hint of prideful "who-ness" of being a somebody as opposed to being a nobody, a nothing.  The Lord used to call me His nothing, and even when I'd refer to myself as nothing, I would be criticized.  I realize now of course the devil would not like that appellation from the Lord, for the devil prefers narcissism and pride.

I review now and then the DSM (diagnostic manual that clinical psychologist and psychiatrists use in treating patients with mental and psyche disorders and illness) in order to remind myself of how personality disorders can take root and expand in the course of lifetimes.  The review is a type of self-examen, of reminding myself of traits to guard against and avoid their creeping in.  

For the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I noticed the tendency of persons having low self-esteem, and of a need to feel superior over others, to have control over others, and of bullying behavior and obsessive criticism of others, of picking apart other persons over a period of time.  They put down others, even manipulatively so (but probably not consciously for narcissists truly believe themselves superior)  in order to keep themselves, in their own view with hope they are impressing others, as being important.  

All the more, reviewing such disorders is reminder to me to remove myself from such types, and even more so, to guard against my being tempted to enter into anything even remotely approaching such behavior, to not react nor respond, and to pray for and embrace humility, and to only hold loving thoughts and prayers for others.  I must keep my focus on Jesus Christ and Him Crucified, and to only have Christ be my identity, no matter what other identities even His Church has developed in the form of vocations, or in canon laws, or in new institutes or other categories. 

While positive, lovely, and canonically legal to have defined and temporal vehicles of consecration in the Church, the overriding and eternal consecration remains in Christ, in Christ's life and in His Real Presence.  All others must be kept in their lesser positions, as a means to greater good, yes, but not ultimate, not the eternal best of our identities being in God, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit.  When the temporal good aligns with the spiritual and God's best, that is glorious!  But if for any reason not aligning, one must trust in the Lord above all else, even princes, as God's will is beyond man's understanding and ways.  

I realize the Lord is asking of me to commit myself to His will no matter what occurs or unfolds in the temporal, even in the temporal of His glorious Church on earth, of which He is the Head.  He wants my allegiance, if I need to chose, to be Himself always:  God eternally my one-and-only even if His Church His Head and the Church the Body.  Not that it would ever be necessary, such as Joan of Arc had to choose God's voice and mystical reality over what the temporal Church and men of God thought and wanted of her in a recantation.  She remained true and suffered unto blood, suffered unto death by burning at the stake--her cross, with Christ.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  St. Francis of Paoli, St. Joan of Arc, pray for us!

Some Human Hands on the Way

Pain has been horribly high, yet.  Went to clinic due to having kidney symptoms.  Thankfully was not--just a new way the pain was radiating to simulate the perfect kidney infection storm.

Barely able to function as far as accomplishing manual labor. One obstacle occurs after another. Raphael did not come as he'd said, to help unload the truck of some thin but heavy siding (Hardie-Plank).  Had to try to unload, one 12' length at a time and broke two.  They are very thin and wobbly. Called Craig at lumberyard, and he had a wonderful tip:  Use a long 1x4" plank underneath each siding board, and carry into the pole barn that way.  Used his advice and carried in the other 30 boards, thankfully without breakage and aided by the wrist brace to give support to a permanently stretched-out ligament.  The siding and the wrist need support.

Yes, support makes all the difference.

Later this afternoon this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit will have visitors for a couple or three hours.  They do not like to come here; the work is frustrating; they have any number of things they'd rather do and often times must do.  But they are coming because the nothing needs some support.  Need another set of hands.  Need some help making progress, being pushed some, motivated, to move through the pain to the other side of it as much as possible.  

Need someone to shove down on an ABS pipe from under the kitchen sink, as the hermit pushes up on the pipe from in the crawlspace--within the 3-4 second time span before the ABS pipe glue sets permanently.  That is not much time when coordinating with another, with a floor between us and tight quarters for the work.

Also need someone to hold the main drain pipe that goes down into the ground and to the septic tank. This consecrated Catholic hermit tried to saw the opened pipe (had to remove the original stack of drain pipes going down as am re-doing the hermitage plumbing to make it all code). The pipe wobbled so much, that the hermit could not get a good draw with the saw blade; the pipe wobbled so much that the concern is it will crack or break off under the soil line.  So even the pipe needs support.

Friends across the miles have been praying much, and their prayers are appreciated.  This pain siege has been a whopper. It continues somewhat, affecting focus, thoughts, and especially emotions.  Pain can do all kinds of things to a person's body, mind, heart, and spirit.  It is a powerful force.

Pain works.  Just consider Jesus on the Cross being Crucified and saving our souls for all eternity. Well, those souls who love and follow His Truth, Way, and Life are redeemed.  And we just never know if we are or are not, until we face our individual judgments, face-to-face (with whatever that actually will translate in visuals or some other sensing) with His Real Presence.

Yesterday was finally able to read some more in Pseudo-Dionysius.  It is the chapter on God as the Good, and what constitutes evil.  It is fascinating, Scripture soaked, inspired, and is the truth.  But the introductions to this volume are written by three different scholars who write about Pseudo-Dionysius (whoever he was; they don't really know for sure) and his writings.  Each scholar covers a period of Christian history and include an assessment of how the people of those time periods (including clerics and scholars) viewed and assimilated Dionysius' writings.

For the most part, those who tend toward the more concrete comprehension could not grasp the thoughts.  Those who were more of the mystical, such as John of the Cross, Tauler, Eckardt, and too many others to mention (and not just of the Middle Ages but prior and after) had their lives altered and uplifted by the writings.  And sometimes the writings would be refuted.  Martin Luther studied Pseudo-Dionysius' writings and grasped in the earlier years of his priestly formation, but he later dismissed them when he changed his views and allegiance theologically.  Some Cistercians as well as other notable religious, read but not always supported the writings.

So we have support again, as well as its opposite, a lack of support.  What that boils down to is that some people can grasp thoughts at more esoteric levels, and others cannot. Some like certain activities, and some do not.  Some enjoy certain books, and some do not.  The reasons for the support or lack therein of certain ways of life, thoughts, beliefs, interests, and so forth, is due to personality, intelligence, temperament style, and even somewhat cultural belief and political disposition.

In a previous post in a different blog [orderofthepresentmoment.blogspot.com], this hermit wrote of a paradigm which explains basic differences, calling it a difference between the dockers and the floaters.  Because that paradigm was given as an inspiring insight, His Real Presence teaching this nothing Catholic hermit why there is conflict at times, or misunderstanding, or totally differing perceptions when it seems such ought be unnecessary, it just seems to be natural and to make sense of these matters.

It is important to understand why some can grasp what might be called loftier thoughts or less tangible ideas, and others respond to concrete and temporal thoughts and ideas.  These may be truths being expressed, all the same, yet those requiring concretism do not at all gravitate or understand the other ways of expressing.  

Such was the case of the older spiritual friend who started to read the first few pages of Pseudo-Dionysius and said it seemed like mush to her--could not latch on and drink it down.  But the other spiritual friend read the first chapter and admitted that while it stretched the brain cells that had otherwise succumbed often to diaper changing and settling toddler-squabbles, it lifted her up and beyond and at the same time, made total, beautiful sense.  With the former mentioned friend--The Imitation of Christ made sense and salves the spiritual palate. With the latter friend, Pseudo-Dionysius reads like fine wine on the order of the wine Jesus created at the Wedding Feast of Cana.  

Thankfully, the nothing Consecrated Catholic hermit enjoys and digests both, but it's inclinations are to the expression of truths and thoughts of God that tend to float and take this body, mind, heart, and spirit with them, like incense prayers wafting up--or deeply in--to His Real Presence.  So we each have our "tastes" and ways in which we are best able to grasp and understand matters of soul and matters of His Real Presence Who Is Love and abides in us and us in Him.  

Yes, when we are primed and performing God's works for the Good to which we have been graced, to fall short in any degree is what constitutes evil.  Evil itself is not a being, for all beings are created by God and are thus created as good. Evil is some lack of good but never is there a total lack of good in a being, for beings are created by God.  There will always be that aspect of good in a being.  Well, for another post, perhaps, this sip of Pseudo-Dionysius' inspired writings.

But regardless of our temperament styles, personalities, intellects, cultural and political bent--support is necessary, one for another.  Even a most solitary Consecrated Catholic Hermit needs a helping hand as well as support--even to be respected and loved...but not due to any self-notion its own worthiness.  Quite the opposite, for it is nothing compared to God's All.  Yet a nothing anything can be respected and loved simply because it is a created being of God, imperfect and falling short of the good God desires of it, many times over. Any created being or thing of God ought to be respected and loved due to God's creating it.

And that is why we should respect and love all of God's created souls and creatures and earth and life as His, as well as to respect and love Him above all.

Love These Words of Jesus

This, from John 8, in today's Gospel Reading in Mass:

"He said to them, 'You belong to what is below,
I belong to what is above.
You belong to this world,
but I do not belong to this world.'"

How these words of Jesus mean so much to this nothing--this absolute nothing but a pile of bodily pain earthily tamped.

The words of this nothing's earthly father come to mind, from that weekend a couple years after his death, when he visited in corporeal vision and had three messages.  One was that which Jesus said of Himself.  Dad delivered this portion:  "You do not belong to this world."

(The other two messages were:  "Start using your head," and "I will soon begin helping with your mother.")

Today, have been asking His Real Presence to say what is His will.  What is this nothing to be doing for Him?  The pain has wearied the body to a point of exhaustion, and although finally dressed, have remained on the bed, silently nursing the pain and waiting for His Word.

Although read the Scriptures early in the morning before dawn, it is in the nudge to read once again, a few minutes ago, that these Words of Jesus ring so very personally true to heart.  "..but I do not belong to this world."

Much love to You, dear Jesus!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love one another, little children.  Remain in His Love.