Awaking to rain and pain. The severe nerve pain is drizzling and dripping, with occasional stabbing. It seems as if my days and nights have become perpetual crucifixion. What more can I give my Beloved Lord and His Church?
Remain in His Love.
I had not realized just how much of the past trials with their rejections would be ripped open all over again in flashbacks brought vividly to the present. Even the thought of a third party, non cleric, to meet and discern and advise--it loomed in my pain as an ordeal that would surely result in scrutiny, judging, and rejection.
As I try to absorb by re-reading what my bishop has written to me, his words seem kindly, wise, sensible, accurate, and merciful. He asks of me to continue to live the life I am obviously called to live. He writes that the canon law is an "official" recognition; it does not speak to the validity of one's calling. I do not need a particular title to live a life called by God to which I am living.
So the bishop is not asking me to relinquish my hermit vocation, profession, or vows. He states I am to continue living the life to which I'm obviously called. Yes, I am living it as best this imperfect mortal with an immortal soul can live it, for now. But I have not lived it as well as I could have. Always room for improvement here or on into the other side until I come to fullness of and in Christ's Light: Divine Union fully, perfectly, eternally.
I realize how much this painful, on-going crucifixion is interfering with the ability to process in the mind exactly what my bishop means other than by the help of the Holy Spirit by the peacefulness of the words written. I'm thankful. I will continue to live the life to which I am obviously called.
It is a life of much suffering, of being united to Christ in suffering with Him, in Him, one in Him on the cross. And being one in and with Him, that is solus Deus, only God, God alone. A hermit. A Catholic hermit victim soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. A mystic of Christ and His Church who knows not from one moment to the next yet told by God my order is the Order of the Present Moment, my habit what I happen to be wearing at the present moment.
I'm wearing and have been, the pajamas that had been my late earthly dad's. Might seem odd, but after his passing nearly 19 years ago, my mother was trying to distract by busying in going through some of his clothing and a few other items in their downscaled assisted living apartment in a lovely Arizona facility where they had retired years prior. There was a fairly new pair of pajamas that were his; she commented she'd just hemmed them to adjust with his height-decreasing with age. That and his hammer that had been his father's before him--somehow each item seemed meaningful to me.
Yes, odd, perhaps, but the hammer gave me strength and assurance when I found myself a few years ago having to gut an old farmhouse and renovate in order to be able to sell and move from that arduous existence. The pajamas had remained packed with most all else. The other day I found them amidst summer-weight night-clothing. The elastic of waist has weakened given the age; but I donned these pajamas and prayed, "Dad, I need some of your sensibility and strength."
I suppose the prayer surely answered. Late yesterday made myself get out of bed and remove a light fixture from upstairs' bathroom so as to be able to remove the remaining drywall and get it into the trash container for this morning's collection and pick-up. Practical to fill the large bin on wheels provided by the refuse department. I thought of my dad and smiled at my connecting a tangible item with probably some DNA remaining in the fibers of the cotton; and despite the pain and weakness of my body, God granted me the fortitude to do what otherwise would be a minor task for one without the pain and weakness. God provides.
Will I be able to be out of bed today? I have no idea. Thus far the pain level over two hours after taking the tedious-to-me pain meds (for which I thank God, of course) is still very high. Been a nerve-burning, aching, and occasionally stabbing type pain that depletes and fatigues even after a night of blessed sleep. I will try to be more out of bed today, perhaps get dressed in a tee shirt and jeans.
Whether or not that occurs--getting up from bed and dressing in clothing that might lead to some small amount of manual labor--I will simply keep going, and to continue to live the life to which I am obviously called. It is that of Christ's life, of remaining in His love always, of doing and being in the Order of the Present Moment with any number of identifying titles including Catholic hermit, victim soul, mystic-- and knowing that only God validates such titles.
Here's another odd thing. Just now came two excerpts--one from John (de Yepes) of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul and the other from Faustina Kowalska's Diary. I've not heard from the hermit-priest in awhile. The two selections are absolutely perfection in content as to the degree of suffering I am living out in this present moment, and the focusing the hermit-priest provides through these two excerpts are from God Himself. I know it. Praise God for the hermit-priest sending these quotes, these words with Holy Spirit touches-of-grace, encouragement, and power.
I know Jesus is affirming me in that I chose what God wills. It is what the Bishop was affirming in the email yesterday. It is what the Holy Spirit had the hermit-priest send me just now from St. John of the Cross and St. Faustina. God is using this hermit-priest in unexpected way, breaking through on this particular painful morning. Thank you, Jesus! I remain in Your love and trust in You!
My calling: Focus on Jesus! Not at all an official recognition of canon law, my calling. I don't need that.
Surely Jesus' body--even His feet--hurt like these feet on the ends of pained legs hurt, here, now. If I focus on the pain of this body, will it be the same as meditating on Jesus' suffering, crucified body? Yes, I am convinced this is so. It's all connected: my body and His Body, my love and His Love, my life and His Life.
"The reason the soul not only travels securely when in obscurity, but also makes greater progress, is this: in general the soul makes greater progress in the spiritual life when it least things so, yes, when it rather imagines it is losing everything.... There is another reason why the soul has traveled safely in this obscurity, it has suffered: for the way of suffering is safer, and also more profitable, than that of rejoicing and of action. In suffering God gives strength, but in action and in joy the soul does but show its own weakness and imperfections. And in suffering the soul practices and acquires virtue, and becomes pure, wiser, and more cautious." ~ John of the Cross
"There are few souls who contemplate My Passion with true feeling; I give great graces to souls who meditate devoutly on My Passion." ~ Jesus to Faustina
I wonder if participating in His Passion--if done willingly--and simply remaining in His Love, is a form of contemplating Jesus' Passion? Also, it is best for my soul to travel in obscurity; no recognition by a canon law that can give validity. Jesus validates. The suffering itself is validation of Christ in us, of Christ's love for us.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
