I found a newer video online in which my dear Dr. Bernard McGinn is speaking again about mysticism and in relationship to various considerations, including the Church. He referenced Baron Von Hugel's early 20th century writings in two large volumes, The Mystical Elements of Religion. Von Hugel was trying to get the Catholic Church to recognize and change the unhealthy imbalance that had developed from autocratic effects, as he wrote about the three elements of religion being the institution, the intellectual, and the mystical.
But they need to be in balance, and they were not then, and they are not now, either. The institution and the intellectual are heavily weighted; the mystical is not welcome other than if such as a monk or clergy might write about it in a more scholarly way, such as did the late Thomas Merton in The New Seeds of Contemplation or a handful of others who had esteem as clergy or as scholars.
Bernard also mentions in this talk I'm listening to, that mystical gifts are meant to be signs, to be shared with the community; they are not meant for the mystic him- or herself. But of course, I have experienced firsthand for the past nearly 26 years as a Catholic, that the institution nor the intellectual elements so weighted and influencing clergy and parishioners--these elements and persons do not know how to cope with such matters, or at least not thus far.
I wrote an addendum email to the parish secretary after my one of apology and explaining that I am not at all at all of their levels of faith and fitting in and having a place as Catholics, and sorry for my criticizing and complaining. But the addendum had to do with the fact that I am not leaving Catholicism, of course. I explained it is like having a spouse say he or she does not want to remain any more in the marriage, and does not understand nor have a type of acceptance for the other. It is that the one who has no place for the other in his or her life nor understands nor has a place for the one, goes on with his or her life. The one who is not acceptable and who was left, is essentially SOL, as is said--so out of luck.
But the point is for me, is that while the institution and the intellectual are heavy-weighted, and cannot seem to get the mystical integrated into the institution and the intellectual elements of the Catholic religion (and likely would be even more so in other Christian faiths if they were more aware of mysticism and why perhaps new age is growing in popularity, unfortunately but a signal of what occurs when such as the Church becomes imbalanced and unhealthy in that regard, over time--well, the point is that Jesus then is to Whom one should turn, and to His Living Word.
Jesus never leaves nor rejects; He is ever in balance and understands, and accepts those who have mystical essence and yet wanted to be part of the institution and can also be intellectual--but the Lord has taught to think with the heart and to recognize the inner senses, and to see with inner eyes and hear with inner ears, and so forth, just in a metaphoric sense.
But not fitting in, not having a place in the Catholic Church does not mean that I am not Catholic or that I am "leaving." It is more that I have been "left" in a sense, by virtue of not having a place nor being acceptable, and that is all right for the pain is at a point that there is not much I can "do" regarding institution very active in corporal works of mercy and some of the spiritual, and parish life requires a certain type of person--not like me, I have come repeatedly to realize. But to keep trying and to then question and criticize--that is foolishness and not Christian behavior, for while quite humbling, I recognize I am not at their level of faith nor otherwise.
I'm simply needing to cling to Jesus, knowing that in reality He has been and is and will continue to cling to me, for I am not even strong enough to cling to Him without distractions and weakenings by sins and so forth. Even though Jesus has broken the snare, I still tend to find the snares and fall to temptations such as questioning or criticizing or complaining--I suppose mostly because I do not fit in, am not acceptable to the institution and intellectual elements of the Church. And I do not have the stature of a Baron von Hugel nor other writers, to try to express or make headway in the imbalance of the three elements of religion.
I God wanted that, He'd have given me the ability or stature to do so. With this reality, I then turn to Jesus and accept, and must pay no attention to the priests and parishioners. And I do admit and did to the parish secretary, and sorry about it, but the effects of much of what went on over the past nearly 26 years has left me with difficulty in trusting most Catholics.
It's very human, yes, I know, and very basic, and while I forgive and also understand why they had trouble coping with someone like me, the effects remain in the psyche or such, and that is one thing when the Vincentian priest in India prays for any of our wounds from past experiences, I pray for all that to be healed within. I know Jesus will heal all that in His will and way, but I realize also that I should not be a bother to others. And life will pass sooner than later, and none of this will matter then, praise be to God!
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