Wrote to Dr. McGinn this morning, thanking him and sharing thoughts.  It's all part of my spiritual journey. Yes, I have learned a lot in the past 26 years, nearly, as a Catholic.  I also have lost some aspects, such as got too caught up in some parts that are my own fault, but trying hard even so.  I guess if one is going to get caught up in some part that is not balanced, at least do so trying very much! The intentions are good!  I regret that I did not stop myself sooner, but there are reasons for that, and wish I'd put a lot of the love more into loving, just simple, plain loving.  But that is now what I learned and realize, of how I swept up into the imbalance that Dr. McGinn spoke of in a talk I found someone had posted. Very good!

The correspondence, the thoughts sent:

"I have been thinking about you and wondering when your Volume 7 will be published.  Then decided to see if anyone had put additional youtube talks that you have given, online.  I found the one that is recent, three months ago, and what you said about Von Hugel's Mystical Elements of Religion was so helpful to me at yet another juncture of needing to give up trying to even consider a reset with a parish, to try to return.  It made so much sense, the imbalance of institution and intellectual that remains, and the mystical is blocked out, or set aside in a room by herself, or told outright not to be there.  Plus, the mystical notices and questions and wonders at some aspects of why such resistance, or why new age creeps into a parish, or even why the very secular and not well-written novels are the monthly choices for Catholic Book Discussion, or why the mystical simply does not fit in, or even the joyful hermit gmail account caused a Catholic electrician to question the hermit part of that email, and then not submit bid nor respond if wants the job, either way!

"Just a few of the latest blocks I've had, including no response from the parish secretary when I emailed suggesting perhaps I could try a "reset" even if I realized it could take a couple months to get an appt. with the priest.  I don't really have other contacts, but I have commented and wondered in some emails that also included encouragements for her as she is a very lovely soul; I'm not sure she'd recognize me, but perhaps.  I met her a couple times.

"So here again, just listening to a small of the longer portion of your recent talk with the Canadian group has helped me grasp and accept so much better, and I also pondered that Von Hugel spent his efforts, influence, esteemed position, and writing to try to help bring balance to the imbalance, but he really did not seem to succeed. So I considered that I am nothing to all that Von Hugel had of intellectual respect and a platform in writing and scholarly esteem, so I will not try to keep knocking on parish doors.  The institution and the intellectual represents a type of resistant mindset that perhaps is part of the Catholic collective mindset in some ways, of resistance to that which is different or even more so to mystical, for the protocols and scrutiny begins, and the fear and negation.  Likely that is  why new age creeps in; the institution seems to give berth to it when blockading or trying to suffocate mystical realities in simple folk, in the nobodies, so to speak.

"I've been pondering for some time just when the autocratic leadership modality took hold in the Church and think likely the high middle ages if not before, perhaps even started in the 6th or 7th century in the low or early middle ages. You'd know, of course.  I'm just wondering, but it makes sense that at least by the 11th century, the institution and intellectual elements took on the noble's way of power, prestige, position, and possession over the peasantry and serfdom, and that structure perhaps was adopted by the Church as institution.  

"Then in the 1600's the pope as "king" took even greater hold, and much power and landholdings and wealth from central Italy and indeed, all of Europe as the Pope's kingdom. That got disrupted in the early 19th c., I believe it was, and at some point a pope had to flee when an Italian leader went to war and took away it's land and power, prestige, position, and possessions--many of them. But the pope was given back Vatican city as a city-state, and it has built up the coffers somewhat, yet greatly reduced in the power it once had developed.

"I appreciated your saying that Von Hugel did not "leave" the Catholic Church, did not leave the institution, but rather dedicated his life to trying to right the imbalance.  Again, it seems to me he did not succeed with his life's efforts. But I at least appreciate that he tried, and his volumes on the three elements of religion are helpful in understanding my own little plight here, and of at times wondering why on earth I'd even consider a reset with a parish, or why I would even question or comment on the new age that has crept in just in a three incidents I've encountered in my brief efforts of trying to make some meaningful contacts?  I realize the power of the institution and intellectual elements and that of feeling one must have inclusion or acceptance, but when one is born with mystical--it just is not going to be a good "fit".

"I likened it to a spouse who does not understand nor accept the other, and determines to be done with the other, and no amount of love or desire or hoping or trying by the other will change the spouse's mind or decision to not want the other around or to love and desire the other.  And the longer the other does not accept and get on with life, the longer the agony persists--and for what?  For institution and intellect as opposed to a healthier balance and as Jesus said of Mary of Bethany, "she chose the better part"?

"I've tried to look upon the situation from a different perspective, and that of my being not at Catholics' level and out of their league, that I need the basic of Jesus and of His Living Word, and of the Eucharist, for so long I've been told not to come to Mass or off in a separate room, and the ecstasy during Mass did not have me receiving the tangible Host, regardless.  And now Covid has afforded so many online Masses, of which I continue to appreciate the praising and so much Jesus and His Living Word in the Vincentian priests at a retreat center in India--lots of praying and praising and simple, humble little songs of joy a couple of laypersons sing, and the priest who has a gift of healing and also is his diocese's exorcist, has a great deal of faith and also quite a positive force and more with some mystical elements, even if kind of focused on healings of all types, which of course is his particular spiritual gift!

"So I did wonder if perhaps God will use Covid and so many of us Catholics unable to wisely be at Mass in person, and to have gravitated to any number of Mass offerings around the world, to cause the institutional element to take a bit of a hit and further decline, for I notice on some days over 40,000 people from the five continents are listening to the humble and joyous Vincentian priests with their simple Masses of Jesus and His Living Word, and praise and prayer and adoration, and even of anointings, healings, and prayers of binding and casting out the oppressions and obsessions and other plights of the darker forces.  Perhaps these Masses and time of adoration and prayer contain more the balance of the three elements of religion, with a very simple little set-up and not heavy on the institution, and barely a mention of giving money, for by their inspiration people donate, it seems, and the results pay the dividends without asking or parish or diocese appeals. Yes, maybe God is doing the balancing out in His own ways and over time.  

"But the institution and intellectual is so ingrained as the two elements, that I don't think there is a place for me in my lifetime, and I am praying to finally accept this.  And it might be the institution and intellect (my own aspects of integrating it) causes the sense of guilt or something that I feel, or the sense that somehow I am in the wrong and why I'm not acceptable.  However, I have recognized this mindset of "resistance" that is so prevalent in parishioners and also most priests, and that surely must be from centuries of autocratic institution and intellectual habit; that even my various efforts of which I'd expend so much energy and love and desire to even get us to be praying for school children in a type of partners in prayer--people would go to the priest and complain that I offered them a chance to adopt a child from the Catholic primary school and pray for that child's sweet little written intentions--some of which included that mommy and daddy would not get a divorce or would stop fighting, or even that the priest's niece would be healed of her cancer.  

"The priest was not helpful in the little project I was trying to get enthusiastic involvement; he was ever suffocating me, and resented that God told me things or showed me things, and asked why not to him, why to me?  I had no idea why, of course.  Would he have wanted all the grief I was given, especially by himself?  So that program went down, and I was run out after clinging to that parish far beyond what a sensible person would do; but indeed the priest's niece had a miraculous healing from cancer just a couple weeks before she was expected to die!  It was that little child's prayer request for the year and the elderly parishioner who had liked the idea of us daily Mass or anyone else to adopt one of the school children's little prayer desire that I'd go about and have them write on a 3x5 index card, classroom by classroom. 

"Yes, I was a thorn to that priest and to the parishioners who complained.  How dare I?  Such mindsets of resistance, and as you mentioned that mystical experiences that are somehow more visible are meant as signs and to be shared with the community of the Church--I have told you what happened and not even in detail, when I began having these ecstasies during Mass.  Mercy!  Lord have mercy on me!

"So by the grace of God, and only in just the first part of your latest talk online I have found, God has used you in a massive way to reach in and help me understand, and also to consider that I must not feel guilty for not fitting in, but I also must stop trying and especially not ask questions or comment which comes off as criticism to them, such as why the lay spiritual directors in the parish all got their certification from new age places and non-Catholic places?  

"From the other perspective I have been given the other night which was humbling and thus very good, I can see that I am in a very basic level, and the parishioners have a faith so strong that it does not matter where they are influenced or taught, but I could not withstand new age instruction for I am too weak and unknowing.  I just have to stick with Jesus and His Living Word, and spiritual communion and spiritual other sacraments, for I am a frayed and small piece of weak fabric that would just tear off and waft away if not for Jesus Himself clinging to me.  I used to think I was clinging to Jesus; but it is He Who clings to me, and it is also a concrete block of pain that increasingly anchors me.

"The pain pump has not provided the pain relief, but the pain doctor had two more MRI's done so we can see where the tube went into the spinal fluid dural space; if the affable goof neurosurgeon who got the pump over my stomach too much and might be what has caused digestive issues or put the tube right through my arachnoiditis clumped nerve problem, then that may have caused the damage and difficulty, and also why I'm not getting much relief.  And I had the knee surgery, but an odd thing happened that the crutch by bed slid in the night and jammed, and I did not see the tip sticking out in early morning so tripped on it and landed on my operated knee a week after surgery.  So that knee is yet painful 10 weeks later, and I can but laugh at it all. 

"But I'm trying to re-do part of the house here and have gutted the kitchen with some help, of course, but am tediously chipping away at the hardened construction glue with composition board particles in it, using a razor scraper and bending some--yes, a painful process for me, but I get a lot of some kind of far-off praying going on while doing so.  It takes me far from here and from the body of pain, and also I consider it chipping away at my flaws and also now, at the institution and the intellectual elements so that perhaps in this little insignificant symbolic task, the Church might at some point in future history, have healthier balance.

"Mystics who have some type of function as in a religious order or clergy or in active works like Teresa of Avila or those even today who have such as gift of healing that is useful (Sr. Briege McKenna?) or exterior stigmata but know a priest who is like a guardian to them and paves the way--these fare better with the institution and the intellectual elements. But I guess it's very helpful to have Jesus clinging to me; I'd be totally lost without Him clinging!

"God bless His Real Presence in us, and THANK YOU for your not even realizing how much God has used you to keep me from losing faith and to understand and accept hopefully with graciousness, my exclusions and the reason for them.  I was a bit upset upon waking thinking of the better health years in which I'd tried to pour myself out to help in various ways and to fit in, but that mystical ecstasy really put the wrench to the engine. Yet then I considered just how much I've learned including from aspects of institution and also very much intellectual elements, plus the Lord emphasizing to me right before I was confirmed, to Think with your heart, Think with your heart, Think with YOUR HEART!

"That statement alone goes a long way, doesn't it?  I do fare far better with non-Catholics in chance encounters and interactions, other than a couple who keep in contact. We laugh a lot, which is very good. They find amusement in even my emails to a parish secretary who does not respond!  But I like the new perspective, that I'm not at all at their level, and I'm not.  I have to stick with the basics:  Jesus and more Jesus.

Take care, and keep up your tremendous efforts!  You are a true instrument of the Lord!  You have no idea just how much!"