I realized last night in a new perspective that came over me, that my questioning and criticizing such as when parishes choose secular or popular novels as their book discussion fare, or such as the lay spiritual directors getting their certification from places not Catholic but new age type or Episcopalian priestess and husband's online certification program with new age ideologies--or the priest explaining to people bothered by the shift in the US toward socialism-communistic political bent by saying that Jesus and the early church were socialist in many ways--that really, I do not nor ever have felt I have a place in the Catholic church or parishes is because I am not at their level.
I am very down low, needing Jesus and His Word, clinging pathetically, not advanced in faith nor such matters so that I can afford new age or secularized novels that give more of a world view of matters such as the book club selection for this month that embraces same sex marriage and normalizes it as part of if one loves, then one accepts all. They can do all these things and read and discuss because they are strong in faith and the Living Word and do not need to remain with the basics as I do, nor do they have to grovel and cling to Jesus as I do because of physical pain that I cannot bear well if at all.
So I keep finding things to criticize and question because I am also base in that way. I need the basics of Scripture or such as the basics of the book written by they think Thomas a Kempis, what is considered a classic, The Imitation of Christ. Or just the daily Gospel and other readings--I just need to try to live and do as Jesus says, and the prophets and apostles have written. And praise God like the Psalmists.
Even as a hermit--that canonically approved hermit who was on a 13-year stalking attack and rebuttal of much that I'd share in my blogs, who'd say I was a fraud and illicit hermit, not a Catholic hermit--she and her followers were likely correct in that I do not have a place in the Catholic Church, for I am not at their level. My basic reading of the writings or about the hermits from the early Church on found aspects that did not jive with the canonically approved woman's way of living the hermit life. But that only means she was also as a Catholic and approved by a bishop, at some higher level where I am not.
And I am increasingly at lower levels, and the more suffering I have as I get older, and now the knee is so painful for something is not right from after that surgery, perhaps from the fall on that knee a week after surgery--I just have to cling to Jesus in a very basic way, and get myself away from all that is beyond me which are parishes and canonical this and that, and from wondering why it was and is that I do not seem to fit into them or have a "place" in the Catholic Church or most anywhere, is because my faith is at a very basic level of learning and development, and I must cling to Jesus or even more so, He is clinging on to me lest I fray and like a nearly threadbare piece of painfully torn cloth, I shred and blow away with a slight breeze, taking the heaviness of physical pain along with me, of course.
I wrote an email and apologized to the parish secretary to whom I write every couple of months or six weeks or so, and who only once responded. I apologized to her and explained I'd been given an entirely different perspective last night as to why I am not where they all are, and why I need far more basic such as Jesus and His Living Word, and even as a hermit explained how this woman elsewhere went on for years that I was a fraud and not credible as a Catholic hermit, and I said I suppose that is so, as I'm not even really at any level of Catholics in general, for they are far beyond my most basic level of spiritual need and what I must be focusing on.
Plus, my rudeness in questioning things and criticizing, and wondering such as why the Catholic electrician shifted his affect and did not send the bid--they all are beyond me, and I simply do not fit in nor have a place for I'm not at that level where they are, not physically, either, besides in faith and spiritual acuity. I put weak faith and distracted mind at risk if I'd read a novel or take courses from a new age spiritual direction credentialing place.
I thought of the person I know who reads and passes along all types of issues in the Church plus political situations including conspiracy theory type articles, and I questioned her about why she would get into that stuff, fill her mind with it. She said she likes to see other viewpoints. I realize she is strong in her faith so that she can afford to do that, and has the time to do it for she does not spend time distracting from so much physical pain. And she was born Catholic in a huge family, and they are established and fit in and have a place, and it is more black and white for them.
I just need to cling to Jesus and know that He is clinging more to me than I to Him. How can I even presume that it is I who cling to Jesus, when He is all powerful, all knowing, ever present--and I'm wafting about, emailing a parish secretary who is really the only person I know there, as someone I've had contact with, and who one time did respond to an email very kindly, but that was because I felt I needed to take a step back and pray and try to listen to what God wants of me.
I was trying to figure out why I question and find things to question, or criticize, or whatever we want to call it. When all along i is because I am not part of that or them, not at that level of activity nor acceptance nor abilities to take in and absorb, wen I have to simply cling to Jesus and His Living Word--to more steep myself, for I have wafted and slacked.
It's all another world, is that world, and I'm not in that world. I must accept it, for the Lord sent my late dad once with that as part of a three-pronged message to me: You do not belong to that world--and he indicated over toward the parish across the street from where I lived at the time of his miraculous, mystical visit in vision and locutions, from a Friday late afternoon to late Sunday afternoon, my late dad in my house there, with me but toward the end materializing a second time and speaking before dissipating wondrously, leaving me with the peace of the Holy Spirit and awe of God.
So be it. I just need to hunker down here with Jesus and His Word, with God the Father, with the Holy Spirit the Paraclete, and with whomever else such as the Virgin Mary or various saints canonized but most of them not.
This is real progress--humbling--but progress, and it is at least a positive step even if to some it may not seem so.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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