There's been so much occurring in the past week--but this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has now written. Been working, trying to build up bodily strength and stamina; and the writing done has been in response to some emails, mostly.
Yesterday had to make a trip into civilization. Needed a prescription refill plus a few supplies--not many, thankfully. And with each trip back into the busy world, I get Precious Blood (pick-up truck, you figure the color) filled with another load of black bark mulch.
There are several topics of which to share: Bi-location experience and confirmation thereof; more incidents of adaption to death of will; example of another death of will with friend given quite ithe vision; medical considerations for a hermit; another type of tactile-kinesthetic praying; praying for death of intellect and replacement with God's Mind; and God giving this hermit another chance with the beloved family member.
While the other topics, particularly the bi-location experience, being of interest, what is paramount to me personally is that the Lord has given me yet another chance with the beloved adult daughter, son-in-law, and little grandson. It is a grace given, as right before a phone call from the daughter, I had pleaded yet again rather emotionally, that surely His Real Presence could let me have relationship with but one of the three of the children living here on earth?
The phone rings, and it is this one. As the Lord provided, my body was already in too much pain and the emotions in the old, ingrained pathway. I did not answer fast enough--had to find the phone. I get few phone calls and make few phone calls. This is increasingly so due to my realizing how busy are active people--plus the fact of my pain effects can make it difficult for others. It is an act of charity on my part to not burden others with what can be uncontrollable effects of pain, no matter that my intellect knows it is only pain.
So the daughter called and explained that a relationship is a two-way street. Yes, it is. And I had only sent an occasional message via computer. I had confessed to a confidante my horrible rudeness and how I'd "lost it" on one of the last times I'd been to visit the daughter and her family. That confidante advised that I should not reach back in much but to let whatever upset, hurt, and anger have time to heal. I know one of my irritating aspects is analyzing to what can seem an extreme. And, I did not want to risk causing more hurt than what I'd already done.
Hermits are far from perfect. Hermits who are mystics are far from perfect. Hermits who are consecrated in the Church and who have been hermits for over 15 years are far from perfect. In fact, parents are far from perfect. Christians in general are far from perfect. I qualify as far from perfect; and it seems as if the older I become and the more I pray and try, the less perfect.
Perhaps it is an aspect of spiritual growth to realize how imperfect--but without going overboard into what is known as "false" humility. No, I won't do that, for it only plays all the more into tendency to over-analyze and then make very false assumptions. The daughter mentioned she had read my blog and that I made some wrong assumptions.
I was thrilled within that I had been wrong in many of the assumptions. She took the high road and assured me that they felt terrible about moving away, leaving me without close contact or support. And, of course, I knew this even though my own intellect and darker thoughts had decided that they actually wanted to leave, to be rid of the burden that I can be to others.
That I can be a burden is a true statement. I know it. Especially the past four months I've been a horrible mess of blurred existence, physical fatigue, emotional unpredictability. I cannot emphasize enough how the pain has increased with age and now is also very much affected by weather shifts, as well. And increased pain does things to not only body--but to the mind and emotions. Pain is a thief of life as we knew it or would like it to be...from our human view, from our own intellects.
Regardless, the daughter assured that she does "like" her parent and always has. Yes, our three years living close to one another started out on bad footing; we had differing expectations. And the daughter prefers being practical but also to move forward and not linger over disagreements or "storms" that--she is so correct in this outlook--come but also go. She also clarified that in some of what I'd written, though anonymously, I was incorrect and it hurt. I am sorry for that!
Oh, yes, this hermit is sorry. In the time of such pain and the suffering that was going along in the spiritual realm toward the death of my will, the spiritual father was burdened by a phone call and letter. He did what he could to help, sending two gifts which helped relieve some financial strife.
The Lord has given this hermit another chance. Although I will not physically be visiting the daughter and her family due to distance, what a gift is the re-opened relationship. I know it is very good for me as this daughter's soul is a luminous soul and always has been. I was able to express in our phone conversation, how much I appreciated her all along, for as a child she would generously tend me and encourage when I'd be in bed with a pain siege which happened quite often. It was too much, really, but she helped carry the cross at an early age. I thanked her, but I think she deserves a break from it!
Also, for a hermit who is also a mystic, I can see the value of having those in our lives who also can help bring balance. Being able to listen to and discuss the here-and-now trials and life experiences of those whose mission is with the world and in the world and yet who are Christians living out their missions and purposes, is a marvelous opportunity for someone with a mission of suffering, prayer, solitude and more inclined to spiritual. Yes, it is good that the Lord gives us variety that balances, for those Christians in the active life are invaluable in their missions and purposes.
I had sorely missed not hearing the details of their lives so that I can picture what they are doing and thinking, and thus all the better to pray while doing my bits of manual labor or when waking up in the night, reeling from pain.
Regardless, I've been given another chance with this relationship; and I pray that I do better. I don't deceive myself that I will be at all perfect, but I'm convinced that this person's soul--this daughter--is as luminous and generous as I've always thought. She is able to forgive and to love and like and give of herself. We keep going, we simply keep going.
I like that! It is good! It does not always work out this way in life. The Lord decides how it is to be in such situations, according to His will. Once again, I'm given an example of His will within--not mine anymore. I don't react the same way as I used to. Even with the resurgence of a beloved relationship, there is a sensibility amidst the awe of God and the gratitude.
I've even considered that perhaps I should remove some of what I'd written out of the experience. Yet, it seems as well to just leave it as part of the process and the way in which I made some assumptions but also learned to see how the Lord takes us through shifts in life, growth periods which involve losses...but end up with gains even better than ever. I now have a greater appreciation for this person's soul. I needed to hear that I am liked despite my flaws, and to know that I can serve in whatever ways I need to learn to serve, for I so admire the person, her qualities, her family, the faithfulness and hard-work in her own life, the spiritual growth going on but also the practical, every-day aspects.
While two other of the living adult children still do not want a tangible relationship, the Lord has granted me one. And I do know that I needed this entire experience for many reasons--including those reasons God knows and I do not. And I do know that I am far, far from perfect; but it is all right to be in soul school yet or for however long it may take. How marvelous that the Lord gives us repeated chances to improve!
The purpose of life is to love, to love to learn to love.
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