I cannot write about it in detail now. I've spent the morning discussing a vision of Hildegard's with someone via phone--and sharing what occurred yesterday afternoon. Death of will. I will write about it later for I've written it out to my spiritual father; and I need to go outside and weed, dig, spread the last of the truckload of mulch, and hopefully even dig a bit--but with left leg mostly.
Am yet nauseated with pain, but the soul is uplifted and cleared.
I just did not realize--never thought about it much--that death of one's will, will, of course, have physiological, emotional, mental, spiritual, real, actual sensations and experience. It is quite painful; I suppose painful like any aspect of losing part of ourselves be it discs removed from spine, leg amputated, mental decay, tooth pulled, baby miscarried.
On another note, someone was interested in seeking a means of discussing "wanting" to become a hermit. I'd not be the consecrated Catholic hermit to be able to shed much light on "wanting" to become a hermit because I had not thought of it, had no desire nor want of it previously, but received an irrefutable call by God that this was to be my life mission, vocation. It occurred toward the end of my final child's high school years just prior to his leaving for college.
I suspect that had God made much of it to begin with, that I'd have resisted far more. As it was, it took over six years for me to warm to the word "hermit." Prior to that all I could mentally and emotionally handle was "religious solitary." That seemed more palatable and less severe.
So funny, now, to think of it and to recall the time my angel chastised me for not "living nor honoring enough the hermit life that God has chosen for [me] and values very much!" I literally shuddered when my angel uttered rather forcefully (probably part of the chastisement, to emphasize my not honoring even the term) the word "hermit."
However, I think I do understand that a person might specify a sense of a call or an interest in a call or even an actual call by God to be a hermit by positing it as desiring to become a hermit. There evidently was some agreement within my mind, heart, and soul to accept the vocational call.
There came with that acceptance, an infusion of interest, determination, and the kind of excitement one has when knowing something is "right" even if with some trepidation of the unknowns and risks. (The risks in my situation included the Protestant family and friends and even some Catholics who simply are not versed in the eremitic vocation even as a lifestyle other than the stereotypes, mostly negative or oddly connoted.)
I admit the profession ceremony was intimately holy, beyond anything I could ever have dreamt or asked for. God provides! I yet have the vows written, signed by the priest and myself, my blood spread inside a small heart drawn at the bottom--a seal that only my spiritual father has seen.
But the actual last 15 years plus--it is a present moment unfolding of unexpected experiences--trials, suffering, blessings, joys.
But "want to become a hermit"--no, I admit especially from my upbringing and Protestant family and friends, the hermit vocation is nothing any of them relate with nor consider other than in ways to discourage as something that God would never desire, let alone call someone to that life. I'm sure they do not realize that the great John the Baptist was a hermit prior to his proclaiming Christ as the Son of God.
Well, enough on that. I had a phone call just now, and I have someone to pray for while I go out and finish the mulch task and maybe plant some seeds. Something--whatever the LORD WILLS. Have to wait and see what He wills.