The spiritual life can seem quite long and taxing...and then as if a sparkler lit unexpectedly, and so many fascinating sparkles of light infuse the mind, heart, and soul!
So it has been recently with this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit. And today, this hermit has been praying for order and pattern, sifting through the memory and emotion of the usual yet previous self-will while adapting to God's will that is flowing in, filling the soul's cavern following an immense emptying out and death.
This morning the Lord brought a phone call from a woman who I liken to a hummingbird. She literally buzzes with energy despite her septuagenarian physical status--and that with hip problems. A life-long Catholic, she is fervent in faithful loyalty yet I suppose like all hummingbirds, can flit and flutter from bloom to bloom.
This woman is a hummingbird prayer warrior. She PRAYS for everyone and keeps a running list of any number of persons who she discovers need prayers from wherever she has flown and hovered for short intake of prayer needs. She flutters on to another bloom, gathers up the nectar of their concerns and needs. Sometimes she prays right then and there, then rapidly discusses a few names of others and their needs, asks the "bloom" to pray for them, then wings her way on to the next, then the next and next, on and on.
On rare occasion do this woman and I speak on the phone, but she had called me last Monday because I made a very rare phone call to her, leaving a message, asking her to call. The hummingbird prayer warrior called back immediately.
This hermit here was in great need, for the emptying out process was affecting all aspects of the body and soul--and had not even gotten to the death of my will yet, not by two days to go of the worst of the will's death throes. And what was quite horrific was that I had no idea what was going on. (I'd never have suspected that my will was dying.)
So the hummingbird prayer warrior prayed some Hail Mary's on the phone and another litany type response asking Mary to pray for us sinners. She repeated each three times and fluttered off the phone but first said her son needs prayers--for an office manager at his place of business.
This morning, when she spontaneously called, she wanted to know if the hermit doing any better. Oh, my, YES! And I explained some of how it came about that Wednesday morning my will had died, and how I had made one final call--all my will could muster--and it was to Dr. H. with whom I'd not spoken in a couple years. Then I was somehow--not by my will--able to go outside and begin weeding. (I realize now it was His will motivating that action.)
So I told this woman, the hummingbird prayer warrior, that my will had died, and the Lord was filling it in, and explained some of the process. Now I am having to adapt to the experience of still having my memory and emotions as to how I used to feel and react to aspects of the temporal world and various situations, as well as of the spiritual--but I now do not have at all the same thoughts, feelings, reactions. Instead I have understanding and insights.
She asked who is Dr. H.? I explained, and shared the incredible experience 28 years ago that initiated more such experiences of which Dr. H. tape-recorded and witnessed. They included visions and audible, profound messages from various holy souls on the other side, concluding with a major message from God the Father of All Beingness and Energy.
Well, the hummingbird prayer warrior probably could not take it all in, as I more than answered about who is Dr. H.. Then I continued to explain various insights about what it is and how it is that our wills must die either while we are still on earth in our bodies, or at physical death, or at some point after death in the purgation process.
And our wills must die sooner or later to come to fullness of light: Heaven, Divine Union. We then must adapt to God's will being in us, which seems to me to be of the Person of the Holy Spirit, at least with the insights provided when there is a question asked.
For example, yesterday my mind thought-flashed, "Should I bail out of this overload of heavy work here and be rid of the financial strain?" Immediately came the response, "What miracle is there in that?"
So I kept weeding, and then mowing, until dusk.
But this morning, when the hummingbird prayer warrior had had enough of what I was explaining, for the new will told me so, I asked what is going on with her life, and how is her son's quest for a new worker going? She immediately fluttered into his prayer need as well as several others, alighting upon one young woman who has left home but thankfully is living with an aunt--when suddenly the phone signal dropped.
The God-infused will guided me to call her back, not once but three times. Even when the first call yielded the response that the number I had dialed was not in service area or some such automated message, I sensed the one most in need of prayer was being emphasized by the dropped call. Yet I knew somehow to call back two more times, to make it a Trinity of attempts, although fairly certain the interference had been God-allowed by that disrupter of goodness.
The focus of the prayer concerns had landed, then disrupted, when the hummingbird prayer warrior was telling me specifics of the young woman--and this after she had given me three other prayer concerns for which to pray. I know of this young woman and heard enough that she is in most urgent need of prayer. I am always pleased when such a disruption occurs, involving transmittal of a spiritual need, for I've come to easily discern the Disrupter.
Just one of those asides I like to share--how we learn to discern spirits in daily life. One can figure it out, the disruptions and the spiritual point, and the desired reaction of doubling or tripling down our spiritual efforts on what it is that the Disrupter was allowed to disrupt.
But what to share first of the aspects of the death of a human will? This is the consideration pondered while digging out flower starts, weeds, and grass from the mulch pile. (These plants sprout up each spring from the rich pile--great for planting around the fence border or to place out for passersby to take if they wish.) What ought I first share: the death of the will or portions of the conversation with Dr. H. who did call back yesterday confirming, validating much, and generating ideas?
It could be awhile before answers are revealed, for as I mention above, I am adapting and adjusting to this strange shift from the memory and feelings of what my will thought and felt--to His will filling the soul "space" that my will had departed.
[Describing such occurrences are most difficult, so bear with my use of words that are inadequate but give an image, hopefully. Others have expressed it with symbols from visions; others write about it but metaphorically, or with expression of the emptiness but not the effect of it as a process.]
An important aspect to share, also, is that I have no idea if all of my will is dead and gone. I assume so, for it seems so. I can't imagine going through such a harrowing emptying and live through it twice. But knowing God as we come to know Him, and with insights (at least a huge chunk of my will is gone, for sure), if there is more of my will in me yet that needs to die, the Lord has not shown me. He knows my thought that I could not bear, at this time, being shown or told there is more will needing to die...considering what I was just brought through. No, He has not shown me--thus far--if there is more of my will remaining, needing to die.
Remember to always add: Thus far. We always have to leave the journey open, for it is an eternal journey, after all. Even when our physical bodies die, or if our wills die when we are still in our bodies, there is always more of the journey in this life and in eternity. Even when we eventually journey into heaven, our soul's journey continues infinitely.
So this is what I have shared first, today--kind of clearing out the odds 'n ends of the morning's events and a few thoughts.
The hummingbird prayer warrior is present moment due to her marvelous flights in daily life, which is quite a purpose God has given her, a work to be done for others and their needs, to His Glory. Yet also, sharing the death of my will was too much for her; the new Divine Will signaled this and also signaled the prayer emphasis for a young woman, among several other prayer concerns I am given to pray for.
Thus, it is important to adapt to the new will, His will within, and ask again, "What to share first?" And asked purposely as to the writing in this blog--for it came to me from within the new will that sharing such spiritual realities with someone whose work is a hummingbird prayer warrior is not necessarily helpful to her.
She may not need nor be ready to know how it is that our wills each die, and that it is an actual physiological, tangible, sensory and spiritual experience. She may not even want to know that it is a most painful suffering and emptying out, or that afterward, God's will fills in.
No, not everyone is ready for that, as Dr. H. kind of mentioned regarding a comment I had made when he called yesterday. So I must write it out on this blog, for that way the Lord can bring those who are curious or in need even if they do not realize they will benefit by reading about that aspect of our spiritual lives. And those who are not at a point of recognition or interest--they can simply stop reading; log off.
What to share first, it seems thus far, is to focus in on writing about the actual process of how a will dies, what it feels like, and how it is to adapt to the new will, the Divine Will that has replaced our own will (which is a will God gifts us when our souls are implanted at conception). But next I must return to more weeding, to clear the thoughts that fluttered in this morning with the hummingbird prayer warrior's phone call, and share what is first, or next, later today or tomorrow.
I must act upon whatever is first (or essentially next) when the Divine Will determines and motivates, and has the words and my fingers ready.