Too often have not been utilizing God's time to holy advantage.
The dream a few nights ago was riveting in its message. The nothing Catholic hermit's life has been out of skew. The intuitive soul has been vitally neglected in some very real aspects. Change, conversion, is in order!
With this current illness (sicker than can ever recall: pneumonia), it came to mind yesterday while coughing repeatedly, then sweating profusely, that His Real Presence is demonstrating just how ill verged the soul. Body is now being cleansed; soul is being purified, as well. The severity of the physical ailment shocks the hermit in sensing the correlation to the disparity in the soul.
The message is strong. Perhaps the images were exaggerated, but the extreme does get one's attention and makes a potent point.
There has been much hardship in this hermitage. Obstacle after crisis, financial disaster after being duped. Yet there are no excuses. As the finances have come to a point of needing to do whatever to try to get the place finished and sold, there was a sense of resistance at first.
The hermit thought it too tired to think of trying to finish so much undone, in a few months, let alone make yet another move. And this sense of resistance partly due to being exhausted from so much manual labor, but also due to repeatedly dealing with the world in overcoming the temporal obstacles involved in renovating that which was far worse than professionals noted in the purchase process two years ago this month.
Then the mind tried to consider where next? That proved a foolish, frustrating, tearful thought-endeavor. Stop thinking of the future! Stay in the Order of the Present Moment! Try to see if a family member on the mortgage would now assist by helping a bit monthly, allowing the hermit more time to do the tasks it can do, thus saving much in labor costs. No, the person, is not interested. Tried again, in case the co-signer would agree to a small equity loan so that more could be hired to be done. No, not interested.
After the reality of negative responses settled in, it was fine with the nothing Catholic hermit. One must cast the nets, and God will either fill with fish or not. He did not. So, the time has come to go for broke. Spend down the remaining tidbit and pray for mercy. Raphael is coming next week to help finish some framing tasks and have his crew hang the heavy sheets of drywall, plus help finish the stairs and some exterior work to be done. But nothing Catholic hermit was to have done work in the interim...not be so ill!
Mark is to come next week, also, to finish what electrical can be accomplished before drywall. He may or may not bring a man who does some plumbing. Nothing is too ill to work on that, also. It remains to be seen if nothing Catholic hermit is up for workers next week, regardless.
The closest family is driving a distance from civilization to bring more medication...plus start shifting items in pole barn and carrying out "stuff" from in the hermitage, with hope of making more room in here for accomplishing work. The hermit will be yet too ill to help with that, as well--barring a miracle. Am always open for miraculous, immediate healing.
So we see that the soul has been terribly neglected with all the efforts of the past couple of years. Despite praying while working and reading Scripture daily, and added spiritual reading...the hermit's intuitive soul needs far more nourishment of a deeper, purer type. The environment of the hermitage, of the daily efforts, is too laden with the world. At night, no energy or focus to read or even still the soul enough to pray in the heart. Existed on junk food, essentially, filling the maw but not gleaning soul nutrition.
Yes, a hermit can be adept at rationalizing. This one can make nearly anything spiritual or to have some reason or excuse as to why it might benefit. But the efforts and stress here have not been benefitting the soul--only deceiving the mind. And even if the hermitage is completed, and somehow some added employment and more orders (had a Fortitude Fudge order prior to illness pervading), will not suffice to remain here, pay the bills, and have any cushion for the many aspects of a property that can need repair.
Yes, even if could live here (as have bonded with the place, come to love the solitude that has been greater than any in its life), the fact remains that there are too many distractions. They are good things, none of them wrong. Mostly manual labor, but it has included all the obstacles imaginable that involve purchases, tools, appliances, learning how to do feats beyond the repertoire. Then consider the hermit's great delight in gardening and interest in learning to photograph; thoughts of a vegetable-fruit stand by the road; notions of water coloring its visions; filling occasional orders; mowing; reading; writing; playing the harp once again....
Simplify! Downscale! Reduce the scope of the lovely talents and interests that His Real Presence has gifted the hermit! Praise Him for them, but the soul has been neglected. Time to put the hermitage and interests and whatever need for income enhancement, to the gristmill. Let the chaff go. Keep a few choice grains to feed the soul and glorify God.
Now it is quite easy to accept selling out, unloading. But not so fast--must get well first, and it may take quite some time with the condition of the lungs and the weakness of body. Then must do all it can to finish the place so as to be salable, use up the renovation materials already purchased and here. Whatever progress, will be holy progress. But at a certain point--a few months is all--will have to sell no matter what. Nothing Catholic hermit is fine with that, too, if it comes down to financial poverty. Have been there the bulk of adult life and more used to that existence than financial security.
So today, spent time listening on laptop, some marvelous desert fathers and monks of current and recent times, teaching various aspects of the spiritual life, of angels, of His Real Presence. One discussion, on the key virtue of humility, hit the spot! Now to more austerity of mind, forbidding so many distractions. This is a new beginning to better nourish the soul. What better time than in very poor health? The hermit knows not how long it will be in bed. Order of the Present Moment calls for disciplining the thoughts away from thinking about tasks to be done to the hermitage or even when it will be well enough to drive into civilization to get the lumber that came in over a week ago, for the stairway.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Little children, let us love one another. Remain in His Love...not in that which does not nourish the soul. Use God's time wisely. Each moment is gift.