Extremely difficult to have the kind of faith and trust in knowing or not if this all is God's will! So cold in here: 44 degrees in lower level with heat pump running full force. (Yes, it is putting out heat but just is not effective.) Upstairs in this area it is probably 60 degrees. Cannot plug in more than one space heater or circuit blows, as it did last night--and was in dark trying to find way to flashlight.
Keep praying and asking His Real Presence for wisdom, guidance, and FAITH. It is true that one can wonder if all these hardships that tend to collect over time--the bad luck, being taken advantage of, meeting up with usurious people who seem kind and trusting, only to find out the hard way, not. Is this really what God desires for this nothing human being?
It takes faith to consider hardships to be the way God is training and leading. When thinking of St. John Climacus recommending stability--to stay put, to not go from place to place or be distracted in the mind or act upon it by movement--it is not easy to have faith and to remain, such as here where it has been very arduous if not getting to the point of unfeasible.
Yet, one has to try to keep going. Just keep going. Endure, for the hour, sometimes, is what's best.
Going on the fifth day in bed, trying to stay warm. Found the old wool jacket and wool socks, and wear those in bed, too--and sock hat. Will try to force into layered clothes again today. Did not make it yesterday to that point. Then will try to drive into civilization and put an infrared space heater on a charge card, and return and see if that helps more than the other space heater.
Called the electrician yesterday, and sobbed on the phone as was feeling so discouraged and cold! For all the money paid out, there seems not that much worth finished in here. Just three areas that have an outlet.
Yet, this nothing human being prays for faith. It recalls certain amazing spiritual events in its past, reviews the spiritual scrapbook. It tries to push aside the comments of others who implant doubts. It rejoices in a friend from where used to live. She has said can live in their upstairs--if could put up with her husband! She emailed a "ha ha" with that comment!
But wonderful as her offer sounds and is, cannot think that is the best solution. For now, it is to pray for more faith and stamina, and to at least try the infrared heater, which the friend's husband had kindly recommended.
To not trust the workers and others in this particular, remote area, is wisdom, though. They have been trusted time and again, and this nothing human being would not be seriously cold in here, nor would be in here at all, had they been trustworthy to begin with. The Catholic realtor, her inspector, her contractor so highly recommended, would have said more of what was wrong here, would have been honest about the costs involved, would have charged fairly and done better work.
Forgive me my trespasses, as I forgive others theirs! Let it go! What is, is. Keep faith and pray for others far worse off, and try to get dressed in layers, find the gloves, bundle, attempt the drive to civilization for another heater! Try to get enough warmth in here to be up and working on whatever this old, tired, weakened body can do! Pray with hope for future blessings! Consider what if this is not God's will, and try to do whatever to be able to move on if God allows. Swim out into the deep, regardless--in the spiritual depths of His Real Presence!
God bless His Real Presence in us! Little children, let us love one another--even and especially if they have not loved in honesty and truth. We must, though, do so! We must! Remain in His Love!