Pondering and praying to be able to leave everything to follow Christ--including leaving pain--could be thought of as some kind of attempt to "out-psych" myself from such as today's intense nausea from radiating low back pain.
At least the thought crossed my mind, as I was intentionally and truly trying to "out-psych" myself by an attempt to self-convince that the nausea is not from the back but from stress of unknowns of my current, temporal situation. So I forced myself to get up, dress, head outside to prune or whatever else of gardening tasks that abound.
But it did not work--the attempt to convince my mind and thus affect the pain level that it is pain of a psychological nature in this instance. The low back is on fire for the most part, and thus the nausea a physical cause-and-effect.
Besides I've lived through far worse in living conditions and financial distress than currently. The past over five and a half years I consider to be marvelous experiential detachment--a beneficial "death therapy" of sorts. I was far more bothered initially and for the first couple of years here, after realizing how I'd been deceived by some folks here involved in the house sale and initial hired workers. In fact, I learned a healthy distrust of contractors such as the companies who bid on insulating the hermitage.
The insulation bidders measured and wrote up how much and what R-factor of insulation would be needed in upper attic space, slanted ceiling in upstairs' bedrooms and garret, and that for the vaulted ceiling in downstairs' living area. When the morning came for the selected insulation contractor to come and blow in the insulation, they did what I learned through an unfortunate situation with a banker years ago--called a "bait and switch."
A "bait and switch" means a price and service is proffered and agreed upon, but at time of service the provider switches the terms and conditions. So when the insulation men said they'd need more payment and I'd need to clear out all the old shingles and dead rats from upper attic, plus they could not use the R-factor of insulation they previously had quoted, I said I would not need their business.
They could not believe it, as I realized after the real estate situation here, I must seem like an easy push-over. Yet I was firm, I was not going to pay more than what was agreed upon and in the contract. Off they went. I took the paperwork with the amount of insulation stated would be installed and the R-factors, went to Lowe's that I found out was having a sale on insulation. I purchased the amounts the company had measured and figured.
In some instances, I had to get higher r-factor, which is all the better, but in the end, after doing the insulation install with my angel and His Real Presence, I had half the insulation to return to Lowe's! Some trick, huh? Had the company installed the insulation, I'd never have known the actual amount they were using nor how much they did not use although charging me (indeed, wanting to also over-charge me the day of planned install) for way more insulation than would even fit.
How I got off on this side-track--yes--was mentioning how I've benefitted by all the experiences and trials here in this place, despite how upsetting and difficult to endure in so many aspects--temporal and spiritual. So out-psyching myself and trying to ascribe pain and suffering on other than the source of pain--back, neck and now head injury location--is not a winning means of overcoming pain.
But praying and pondering the Living Word of God, is a winning means of whatever God wills to grant in theological and all other virtues, gifts of the Holy Spirit, and all else of God's providence. "Leaving everything" and following Christ, therefore, is a do-able possibility, and indeed a realistic truth. Surely this includes "leaving pain" as much as leaving various aspects of "the world."
Leaving pain will not mean not feeling pain, not having pain sieges, not being laid up with pain or limited in activities due to pain. But it means not being ruled by pain, not following, in essence, pain.
It is going to be all the more difficult to "leave pain" when I am soon to be out of pain meds, even if on lowest dose of lowest type and have been with benefit more than any other medications tried over the 34 years of constant suffering. I don't want to be overrun by pain, nor bed-ridden, nor battling despair from too much pain. I have no idea how or if God will somehow miraculously relieve some of it or help me "leave pain" as a portion of all the other leaving of everything, bit by bit and of that which hinders in all the more fully following Christ.
Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect surely is a process, a slow and steady wins the race process, for most of us, a bit-by-bit leave-taking of tangible and intangible "possessions", of which I consider pain to be a type of possession for it has shackled my body and often enough my mindset and attitude in trying to cope, for years. This latter--I continue to pray to "leave"--pain affecting mindset and attitude.
Trying to "out-psych" pain is not at all effective nor long-lasting--not compared to the truth, beauty, and goodness of the power of God, of the Holy Spirit, of leaving everything in whatever aspects God wills and desires of us to be free to follow Christ.
Just my afternoon reflection on today's pain severity, now eased some, hopefully enough, so that I can get the body up and moving, stretching via pruning and bagging clippings and spreading some mulch....
