Catholic Hermit: Another Adventure

Woke up yesterday with vertigo.  Ended up getting a ride to the major hospital to get brain scan, as needed to rule out not my brain bleeds leaking.  I never thought that was the case; but a produce table patron called her RN husband to come and advise, as she and another who saw me noticed I was not doing so well--vertigo and spacey feeling in head.

I attributed it all to my spinal column, especially the neck.  The shift in weather has thrown a major hindrance into my back and also head injury area.  As I consider "leaving pain", all the more there it was and needing to be addressed in a temporal manner.

The EMS guys were wonderful, as they insisted it best to return to the hospital that took the brain scans following the head injury.  I had been unable to return due to no means to get there for my follow up brain scan and neurosurgical consult.  The EMS guys pointed out if I went to an easier-access hospital for the scan it would need to be compared to the original brain scan. 

(I did need, of course, to know the status of the brain bleeds at some point and to be released to take the nsaid prescription medication that has helped my spine for years with inflammation amid the increasing arthritis build-up).

So off we went, and what a day it was in the ER of this huge medical center complex.  I'm too fatigued at the moment to write about what I heard and observed all about me, but I knew the Lord had a purpose in this dousing into fact and reality of the big world out there--beyond what I see, filtered, through this little window to the world, my laptop.

Ended up a type of vertigo and was taught via demonstrating with me as the object, means of balancing inner ear, by a doctor and the resident or intern doctors he was instructing in situ.  That seems, to me, the minor benefit of spending a long day there, surrounded by drug addicts (one cuffed on two limbs to her ER gurney and a policeman with her at all times) and homeless street persons, also drug addicts.  

Only toward evening did my "ER neighbors" switch out to a child with burns and an elderly man with wife accompanying.  He had hit his head a couple weeks prior but two days ago lost the ability to formulate words in any logical fashion.

Then while waiting for a taxi to get me as far as possible so a neighbor could pick me up without having to drive into the traffic-laden streets of mind-boggling metropolis, a street man who was hanging around the ER waiting area, was readying to expose himself and do an indecent sex act.  I went to the employee at the intake desk, and she said he'd done that the day before and she'd kicked him out....  But she gave him another chance today.

Lord, have mercy.  I pointed out there could be children and teen girls in the waiting area (and later, indeed, there were), and shouldn't a sexual predator be arrested and removed?  He was stalking me, for pity's sake, following me around, after he had approached with stating his desires and had I not stood up and walked away, was readying himself for indecent exposure.

Obviously, a very disturbed man, maybe or probably mentally ill, but...still...not right or good to be thus in public, among people with their physical ailments coming for help.  The employee said the police have worse things to deal with, and she'd call security.  I don't know if she did; a couple wandered through an hour or so later (cab was not aware of the FAX sent them by hospital to pick me up until another person waiting called the cab company and let me talk with them, as well).  

But the man then was deep into his cell phone.  Yes, a cell phone, although a shelter person; and I wondered why they did not check what he had on that phone that was of such interest, since he was known to the employee as having exposed himself and performed sexual act in public just the day prior.

Yet, the reality of so many homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted humanity would be a rather overwhelming task, especially when one officer was for his entire shift, sitting by an addict brought from jail for anxiety issues as she was "drying out" after being arrested.  At the end of his shift, a police woman arrived to take over the inmate watch.  She had been given various medications to try to calm her, yet all the while she wanted more of what not best to give her.  

But they did give enough of various levels of drugs to get the addicts somewhat calmed; one was admitted for hoped for help, and the other was going to be returned to jail upon release.  A third was still being treated for gashes and open wounds--some altercation on the streets.  He was asked what drugs he was on, and the young man had no qualms in stating, and the doctors took it in as daily matter-of-fact.

Well, it is daily, nightly, and matter-of-fact to the employees and the addicts.  A nurse told me this is typical and most of ER dealing with those who come in off the streets with drug needs or drug-related injuries and ailments.  Yet there were the few, such as my vertigo and brain bleed concern to be checked, the man with the head injury that evidently did not fare well even though he'd been to a couple other hospitals in the two weeks between his hitting and two days ago losing ability to verbalize in any logical word order.  The little girl also, was there with the burns from hot "play dough soup" she was somehow making with the use of a stove or some means powerful enough to pose a burn risk.  

In the ER waiting room were a few street people coming in wanting and needing (for addicts go through terrible bodily problems when they do not have their next "fix) drugs but many more were there with other injuries.  I was in but one small area of a vast ER, after all.  I heard some employee speak of gunshot victim coming in, and there would be the heart attacks, strokes, and car accident patients, the broken legs and arms, the high fevers, the seizures and whatever all else from all manner of the various ailments our human bodies can have.

Even the cab driver was a fascinating man from perhaps Lebanon or Egypt, and we had a marvelous conversation, as did the neighbor woman and I have when she picked me up in another world--quieter area in which to drive.

At least I got the follow up brain scan, needed, and the brain bleeds have gotten "a little bit smaller", the doctor said. I had no idea--thought they'd be gone by now.  But no, brain bleeds take quite a long time to heal, to be reabsorbed by the body.  Mine was described as going from front to back more along the mid-part of my head, the top but down in more, and not two distinct bleeds but rather more joined along the center between the two larger areas.  But I am able to take my anti-inflammatory prescription medicine again, praise God!

Of course, my issue is now all the more minor compared to what I was immersed in and with whom.  A couple nurses asked me how I was able to so well manage my pain, as they said these others are in pain of their own, as there are various types of pain for which people medicate with whatever means, or addicted as a form of pain in itself of wrong choices and stuck in a horrific mire.  But the nurses speaking to me about it, briefly, mused that I was able to manage my injury pain which worsens with age for physiological reasons,  and these others do not.  

I am blessed with education and have become rather an individual pain clinic, researching and reading and learning all manner of pain management techniques.  I take supplements and vitamins and use diet as means to help in any small way, am certified in clinical hypnotherapy, took doctoral coursework in psychology and most helped by the pharmacology courses, and keep up with what is new but also what is time-tried-and-true in medications.

But I also said, I am a contemplative, and I do my best to unite my sufferings with Christ on His cross.  Yet, I admitted that managing my pain is a major effort and life-work.  And I do not do that well, actually, and know it is only going to get worse, the pain, and I never know if I will be able to manage it or at some point, not.

I have been considering the thought I wrote previously, of "leaving pain" as an aspect of "leaving everything" to follow Jesus Christ.  Yesterday I did not leave pain but rather was immersed in it all the more not only with the added pain of my neck and back and the vertigo, but in being surrounded by magnitudes of human suffering in the ER which was as large in size and scope as are some total hospitals elsewhere.

Today is the day we Catholic Christians celebrate as the birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  I'm turning my thoughts to her as best I can, although the unexpected adventure of yesterday and all the nuances of the various persons I encountered, are with me as if floating in and out of the silence of my now lovely and peaceful hermitage.

Need to start unloading mulch from truck and then get to bank.  Finances have reached a snafu with a check not arriving in the mail; and the Visa bill is due now.  I consider that with the vertigo still not gone fully for now, working in the gardens is close to the earth, and the earth is not going to be a hard-fall but rather soft, giving, and cushioned. God provides!  

And the exercise will surely help my body to loosen itself which can only be helpful to the inner ear balancing those little tiny things in it that the doctor described as like grains of sand, that can get out of balance and thus need body-head positioning strategies to get them back in balance.

All is rather amazing, in life, truly.

Catholic Hermit: Out-psyching?

Pondering and praying to be able to leave everything to follow Christ--including leaving pain--could be thought of as some kind of attempt to "out-psych" myself from such as today's intense nausea from radiating low back pain.

At least the thought crossed my mind, as I was intentionally and truly trying to "out-psych" myself by an attempt to self-convince that the nausea is not from the back but from stress of unknowns of my current, temporal situation.  So I forced myself to get up, dress, head outside to prune or whatever else of gardening tasks that abound.

But it did not work--the attempt to convince my mind and thus affect the pain level that it is pain of a psychological nature in this instance.  The low back is on fire for the most part, and thus the nausea a physical cause-and-effect.

Besides I've lived through far worse in living conditions and financial distress than currently.  The past over five and a half years I consider to be marvelous experiential detachment--a beneficial "death therapy" of sorts.  I was far more bothered initially and for the first couple of years here, after realizing how I'd been deceived by some folks here involved in the house sale and initial hired workers.  In fact, I learned a healthy distrust of contractors such as the companies who bid on insulating the hermitage.  

The insulation bidders measured and wrote up how much and what R-factor of insulation would be needed in upper attic space, slanted ceiling in upstairs' bedrooms and garret, and that for the vaulted ceiling in downstairs' living area.  When the morning came for the selected insulation contractor to come and blow in the insulation, they did what I learned through an unfortunate situation with a banker years ago--called a "bait and switch."  

A "bait and switch" means a price and service is proffered and agreed upon, but at time of service the provider switches the terms and conditions.  So when the insulation men said they'd need more payment and I'd need to clear out all the old shingles and dead rats from upper attic, plus they could not use the R-factor of insulation they previously had quoted, I said I would not need their business.  

They could not believe it, as I realized after the real estate situation here, I must seem like an easy push-over.  Yet I was firm, I was not going to pay more than what was agreed upon and in the contract.  Off they went.  I took the paperwork with the amount of insulation stated would be installed and the R-factors, went to Lowe's that I found out was having a sale on insulation.  I purchased the amounts the company had measured and figured.

In some instances, I had to get higher r-factor, which is all the better, but in the end, after doing the insulation install with my angel and His Real Presence, I had half the insulation to return to Lowe's!  Some trick, huh?  Had the company installed the insulation, I'd never have known the actual amount they were using nor how much they did not use although charging me (indeed, wanting to also over-charge me the day of planned install) for way more insulation than would even fit.

How I got off on this side-track--yes--was mentioning how I've benefitted by all the experiences and trials here in this place, despite how upsetting and difficult to endure in so many aspects--temporal and spiritual.  So out-psyching myself and trying to ascribe pain and suffering on other than the source of pain--back, neck and now head injury location--is not a winning means of overcoming pain.

But praying and pondering the Living Word of God, is a winning means of whatever God wills to grant in theological and all other virtues, gifts of the Holy Spirit, and all else of God's providence.  "Leaving everything" and following Christ, therefore, is a do-able possibility, and indeed a realistic truth.  Surely this includes "leaving pain" as much as leaving various aspects of "the world."

Leaving pain will not mean not feeling pain, not having pain sieges, not being laid up with pain or limited in activities due to pain.  But it means not being ruled by pain, not following, in essence, pain.

It is going to be all the more difficult to "leave pain" when I am soon to be out of pain meds, even if on lowest dose of lowest type and have been with benefit more than any other medications tried over the 34 years of constant suffering.  I don't want to be overrun by pain, nor bed-ridden, nor battling despair from too much pain.  I have no idea how or if God will somehow miraculously relieve some of it or help me "leave pain" as a portion of all the other leaving of everything, bit by bit and of that which hinders in all the more fully following Christ.

Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect surely is a process, a slow and steady wins the race process, for most of us, a bit-by-bit leave-taking of tangible and intangible "possessions", of which I consider pain to be a type of possession for it has shackled my body and often enough my mindset and attitude in trying to cope, for years.  This latter--I continue to pray to "leave"--pain affecting mindset and attitude.

Trying to "out-psych" pain is not at all effective nor long-lasting--not compared to the truth, beauty, and goodness of the power of God, of the Holy Spirit, of leaving everything in whatever aspects God wills and desires of us to be free to follow Christ.

Just my afternoon reflection on today's pain severity, now eased some, hopefully enough, so that I can get the body up and moving, stretching via pruning and bagging clippings and spreading some mulch....

Catholic Hermit: Leaving Everything

In today's Mass Gospel reading, the section concludes with the disciples leaving everything and following Jesus.

My personal battle with managing high levels of physical pain continues.  The weather is shifting, making the pain increase due to pressure system.  It is amazing that something so uncontrollable as weather, can cause so much pain and suffering in a body that has had major injuries in the past.

Yet it is so.  And medications are being denied many with legitimate pain due to the abuse of pain medications by those without physical pain.

My efforts to focus on Jesus Christ and Him crucified have been met with pain's efforts to disrupt my physical functioning and brain chemistry of which dopamine and endorphins are needed to help combat pain.  (Seratonin, as well, is needed, but somehow that is not a problem for me; meds prescribed that are seratonin-based create adverse effects.)

What is alarming to me is the fact that we aren't really in the storm-front season but merely in a time period in which the temperatures are lowering with greater divergence between night and day, and the moisture content is increasing, especially in morning.  I wake up sickened--nauseated, chills, head throbbing at the head injury area, spine from low back through neck in agony and radiating through to intestines and now also the lungs.  Breathing is rather painful, thus.

Yet, if I can battle the dark and despairing thoughts, the pain might lessen in a few hours so that by late morning or early afternoon, the body can get up and out to prune or as I was doing yesterday, remove the cobblestones that line the front, paved pathway to drive, pull out dead grass that somehow was able to live in the sand base, and replace the cobblestones to create a fresh and clean effect.

The results are beautiful, lovely!  And, when I am able to engage in even that simple bit of labor, my mind and heart and spirit tend to soar to some other realm in Christ, where peace and removal from bodily pain exist, and time does not.

It is just getting the body to that point of being able to get up and out, for the nausea and chills and head pain to lower enough to push through the pain.

I suppose, in a way, it is a form of "leaving everything to follow Christ."  Leave the body, in essence, leave the pain, to follow Christ.  One must be brought to that point of strength and determination, to detach and with courage--leave everything.  

Beginning with leaving some things, is a start, once one can bring oneself to the point of action of "leaving."

I have considered jumping ship here--leaving my hermitage and going to another area in which the climate is drier and not the barometric pressure shifts, or hopefully not as many.  Definitely not as many storm fronts that roll through in fall and winter, as here--there are other geographical areas, thus, or seem to be, although I certainly cannot and could not afford the most ideal climates for pain-ridden persons.

And now, there is the matter of property maintenance, but perhaps someone could arrange to have the grass mowed and to check on the cellar to make sure the sump pump is working properly.  Yet, financially I'd need to stay with someone, in a guest room or such.  That can be an inconvenience to those who have offered--of which only one or two are in areas of the country which would at least give a chance for this consecrated Catholic hermit's body to find out if the pain is lessened and thus manageable.

That brings up the issue of the silence of solitude; but of course the offer to me is from those who know I am a hermit, and my vocation is understood along with the vows taken now nearly 18 years ago.  I've also taken vows of suffering, prior to my hermit profession; and while the mind and heart can know well for what and whom my constant suffering is offered, the body and mind stumble and fall with the weight of the pain when it reaches the upper echelons of suffering.

Yes, I can think of Jesus Christ and Him crucified--pray to nothing nothing except Him and His suffering and death--but severe pain has a way of cutting the mind and breaking the heart.  Perhaps that is the point in which Jesus cried out to His Heavenly Father:  Why hast Thou forsaken me?

I've taken what I can of over-the-counter and one of the diminishing and non-refillable pain meds; I've drunk of the cup of day-old coffee, strong and microwave-hot.  I will see about getting up if the radiating pain into stomach simmers down and try a can of Dr. Pepper--of all things!  I've found that the sugar and caffeine do help at least a little.  Have consumed the supplements that are known to help with chronic pain--lots of vitamin D and B-Complex, turmeric, B-6 and 12, glucosamine chondroitin, fish oil, magnesium, calcium, and several others.

Must pray to leave this pain, give it a try, as noon approaches here at Te Deum Hermitage.  I must persevere in suffering, knowing that the Lord is with me and I with the Lord, no matter what.  Leaving the temporal stuff is not a major struggle in this phase of my life; I have gained a spirit of detachment to a point that I can do without yet am not bothered having that which is given for our convenience and ability to exist without becoming a burden or expense to others.  

There is a point in detachment from the temporal in which one does not care, either way, but accepts objects that are part of daily life--shovel, watering hose, sleeping bag, blanket, pillows, vitamins and other supplements in order to cooperate with whatever will help us live our lives.  Food, shelter, some money to pay our own way, a computer, telephone--whatever provides the usual means of getting along in the temporal realm--vehicle, gasoline, and insurance coverage, licensing fees paid.

Yet the ability to leave everything and follow Jesus runs far deeper than the temporal aspects of leaving.  More, we have to accept the burdens of living in society--and I call them burdens for in essence possessions are that, at least at some point in our journeys...seem as such.  Leaving pain is something less literal and not so tangible.  I will pray for that leave-taking, now, and take the step to get up and see how it goes with this body given me and all the suffering God is allowing in this present moment.

As for leaving everything, while the disciples left their families and careers and homes in a more literal sense, they still had relationships, pain, trials, interactions with one another.  Ultimately, though, they did leave absolutely everything--those "things" that are non-tangible and more esoteric.  Eventually, they left their bodies in physical death.  It is a process, and that process like all matters for us followers of Christ, are ordained and meted out in God's will and His form of timing.

God bless His Real Presence in us!