Catholic Hermit: Hanging in with God

My effort to get even one person to run an errand for me, to pick up my medications, has proven fruitless.  It is too difficult for even Catholic office staff to grasp how a hermit lives, what might be a need for this one time before I can drive means.

Even my physical situation is too much for a cousin who I spoke with today on her birthday.  We've been close for 29 years.  She, too, easily forgets that sitting is way too painful for me and jiggling on a Walmart electric shopping cart would skyrocket the pain for which I already have to be on pain medications and lots of movement restrictions.  I reminded her, and of course she remembered.

I had called the parish office secretary to see if she knew anyone out of the 11,500 parishioners who might be able to do the errand.  I'm happy to pay gas and time--but I had no idea what time can cost for some people.  She reminded the parish nurse of my request and brought forth the one person the parish nurse evidently thought of on her volunteer list since my plea four days ago, after two phone calls of explaining my surgery situation and on-going recovery, as well as the hermit life, and my not having an opportunity to develop a help or network find an extern or two or three.

So I get this phone call from a lady.  She somehow had it in mind that it would be a part-time job, as in four hours a day or so, to come and cook full meals and do other household and care-taking tasks.

No, I only need someone to pick up my prescription and credit card, go to the Walmart, give them the prescription, do her own shopping or whatever during the time to wait, and when might be in my vicinity, drop off the meds and credit card.  I've got meds enough for a few more days.

The lady even said her husband works full time at the exact Walmart that I've been getting the meds filled!  I thought how wonderful!  Her husband could even do it--drop off when he goes in the morning and pick up from pharmacist (who he'd know) on way home from work.  She could bring them to me at her convenience.

But she was still on the idea of set work schedule for herself. Then she told me that she'd been trying and trying for some time to get the parish to hire her part time, to no avail.  Oh, my.  This was not some volunteer.  This was a woman who'd been after them for part time work at I'm not sure what, as they don't need meals cooked for them, had been rejected more than once (the woman told me some of it), and the parish nurse was tossing her to me as a bone to the starving, chained dog.

I repeated I only need an occasional errand until I can drive, or until I feel I can ride in a Lyft car to the Walmart and be able to stand and walk around with my walker until the prescriptions are filled, then call a Lyft to pick me up and come home.  (Granted, I thought it would be lovely to have someone to call upon if I had some other need, but I realized I'm not that flush with funds.)

I asked her hourly.  It took quite awhile to fish it out.  Well, I could take two trips to the Walmart and back, and have cash left over for what it would be to pay her time and gas at her hourly rate.  It was extra painful for me to know her husband is in charge of a department at that Walmart, and I could tell she was older, no children.  She talked on about how active she is in the parish.  Her weekend is filled with the various aspects.  That's great!

I'm not sure the relevance of that to my needing someone to pick up my meds, but I explained it was not expeditious for the driving time and her waiting time and then more driving time, and that I cannot afford nor do I need someone to work regular hours daily.  I had not needed prepared meals for nearly four weeks.  I apologized for the me-parish nurse-her miscommunication.

She continued to want to sell her services.  I said I'd take down her information, but that if I got to a point that I'd need part-time help, I'd have to make other arrangements totally, anyway.  I am in the mending mode and another four or six weeks anticipate to be at least able to utilize Lyft drop off and pick up if I cannot drive myself.

I do feel sorry for her.  She mentioned where they live, and that there are patio homes nearby that would be good for me--price exorbitant; their area is--high-end.  Does she really need the income, or is this something to keep her busy?  I did not ask, but I wondered within my spinning head.

In the end, she told me to feel free to call her anytime to talk.  I reminded her I'm a hermit, and that I rarely talk on the phone, but that I appreciated her letting me know about her desire for a part-time job, and I will pray that she get one.  And I will.

Dead end with the parish for a hermit's occasional errand, that is obvious.  I can get sad and frustrated--sad because I have such ideals for us Catholics.  The woman who brought me communion certainly lives up to her given name:  Angel.  But she is away on vacation, and running errands could get old for anyone person; although I know she'd have done this errand.  She did it five weeks ago and did her own grocery shopping while waiting for the pharmacist to fill my script.  She went when it was convenient for her, and she dropped off the meds when convenient for her. That is what I wanted; I don't like to inconvenience people.  I tried to pay her, but she would take nothing.  But I will repay her somehow, when I'm up more and she is back from their 8-week trip.

I'm accepting the reality of this--without going into various thoughts I've had of the disappointment.  I've compared and contrasted this with my Mormon (Church of Latter Day Saints) neighbors outshining my Catholic parish seventy-times-seven-fold....  The neighbor woman is having her seventh baby induced on Monday, so they will be busy this weekend getting ready for the moved-up baby birth date.  But she texted that next time her husband goes to Home Depot, of course he will return some items for me.  I said I would gift pay for his effort, which I will.  He is not going to expect the hourly the Catholic parishioner would like.  

He's been teaching his two children about "service"--the two who water my plants and had been refilling my ice pump twice a day until I took that task on this week.  They have told me their dad does not want me to pay for the bags of ice he's gone to get when I've run out; I tell them how impressed I am and how wonderful, but that of course I am paying.  Next month they are getting a bonus only because this month I had to pay my dental bill.

And I don't find the Catholic woman's hourly terrible if one is doing manual labor, but I cannot afford that much especially for drive time and sitting time.  I have to be prudent with my finances.  Paying the sweet neighbor children for watering plants and replacing ice in my ice pump that keeps the swelling and pain down on my surgical area, has me going over my income this month.  It adds up even with kids who are thrilled with much lower hourly.

But now I am settling down, having written some of this out of my system.  Even after conversation with Catholic woman was ended, I told myself, for it is the truth, that the Lord is not opening a door through the parish nurse who has a list of volunteers and is in charge of various volunteer programs the parish offers.  It is impressive, I tell you, all the programs!  

I have been in awe of this parish and the many programs and activities and the friendly people buzzing about.  It's just not the venue for a Catholic hermit--even if excluding my current back situation--to be involved in the activities and programs.  Not in the parameters of my vocation.  Yet, also, I've never known of a priest with the leadership skills that this one exhibits.  He is a marvel, and I pray for him to keep up the energy as I honestly can't figure how he does it other than through divine intervention. (I did not know my spiritual father when he was a priest that age, though; he was a saintly marvel when I met him at age 75!)

The parish secretary had given me the name of a man who might help, but I don't for now have the stamina to call, for I fear he is also wanting part time work or has some business or other.  I don't want more disappointment in accepting that there is no one in that parish (other than Angel who is away on vacation) who is willing to run the errand, or even in a couple weeks, another if I need.  I can't provide on-going employment nor double or more the pay that I'd pay a Lyft driver, both ways, for two separate errands.  Lyft drivers are also trying to earn a living, and the ones I've met thus far really, really do need the income.

I've decided it is time for me to do what is going to cause a whole lot more physical pain, but I will try to minimize the pain by calling the pharmacy, find out their least busy hours, do the Lyft idea then, and increase pain med prior to leaving.  And, while there, since it is so painful for me to stand in one place with my walker, I will walker to the produce section and get what I need, walker back to pay for the prescription while calling for another Lyft driver to take me home.

Even with tip, I'll be out a chunk of money, but it will be a lot less than paying the Catholic lady.  And what's more appealing about it is that I won't have to deal with extraneous conversation of anyone in my hermitage.

I have only been up 3 times today.  I will get up once more.  It's late.  I was done in from the surgeon appt. on Wed., then yesterday with the physical therapist.  The social worker came this morning, and she had nothing to offer other than similar--companies in the area who want 20 hours or more a week of work and charge the same as the Catholic lady, and who are licensed and bonded, trained, and would provide me with more hermit privacy than the parishioner.

The social worker quickly realized I don't need that level of service.  Instead we talked over how events in persons lives can affect them.  She was adept with the topic, it being partly in her field.  It was lovely, absolutely lovely, the conversation!  Am praying for her efforts with the various people she helps.

I'm hanging in with God.  Tomorrow I will try to do the "to-date" physical therapy exercises and get up 8 times.  Plus I'll try to stay up longer when I do get up...if the body is able.  I hope in God it will be more able than today.  I'm going to take some time to reflect upon the outcome of my seeing if I could get occasional errand via a parishioner, as it probably relates somehow with the hermit-life pondering I'm doing.

How does this outcome relate with "devoting my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world?" 

Right now I'm so tired that I'll save the pondering--other than what the Holy Spirit might tell me in the night, in dreams or however--until I'm tomorrow morning "Singing a new song unto the Lord."

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Medical Considerations, Again

Well, I did not really think through when the pain doctor mentioned epidural injections--one in neck and one in upper thoracic spine.

Woke up this morning in full blown pain siege; yep, had been forestalling it for a couple days, which never works.  Catches up soon enough and with seemingly more vengeance.  Then came a phone call.  The hospital was scheduling the epidurals.  What?  Yes, and I'd need a driver to and from and to stay during.  

I don't have a driver.  Maybe the volunteer structure at the church might have someone?  No--liability.  Of course not.  That is common sense and the reality of our times.  I'd simply forgotten, not thought that through.  The parish nurse with whom I spoke on the phone reminded, but she said I will have people through the church, make friends, be in groups, and so forth.

No.  I am a consecrated Catholic hermit of over 18 years avowed, and I strive to live (other than in unusual or unavoidable circumstances such as when I did not have my own hermitage for 4 1/2 months) according to the two simple yet thorough declarations in The Catechism of the Catholic Church on Eremitic Life.  (You can find it listed under Consecrated Life of the Church.) 

No matter what other hermits may determine with their bishops and spiritual directors, parish priests, religious order superiors or whomever is God's representative to help with earthly decisions and direction of His hermits--I am directed and guided to remain hidden from the eyes of men (and women), to be in assiduous prayer and praise of God, and so forth.  (I might include the pertinent sections below, to remind what is the hermit life as stated by the Church.)

The priest on Tuesday had genuine concerns that lay persons in the parish would not understand nor be familiar with a hermit vocation.  I had agreed, although I do think they have more familiarity even if varied notions about what is a hermit, how a hermit might live, and then be tempted to judge.  But already I found myself trying to side step all the suggestions of the parish nurse, including several suggestions for various treatments for my spinal issues.  

A simple statement would put an end to what would be rather a waste of her loving efforts on my behalf for social life and making "lots of friends".  I am a consecrated Catholic hermit, striving to live my vocation as the Church has stated and as tradition has unveiled over the centuries.  Perhaps at times a simple statement, in private and to someone whose position is one of contact for information gathering for a hermit to tend to temporal needs, is best.

While the asst. priest told me the lead priest is one I must speak to, when he returns, he is so busy that it will be a few weeks until that appointment.  In the meantime, already the parish nurse has lined up a parishioner to bring His Real Presence to me!  And I do agree with the assistant priest that my mystic and hermit self does not need at all to be known to whomever brings me Communion.  Not necessary, and nothing I desire--to be exposed to others who have no need to know.  The only reason the priests need to know is to decide on my attending Mass or not due to the ecstasies during Masses and to be aware of my vocation.  The lead priest will be the one for me to speak more about that, for his guidelines specify to do so, and the asst. priest has directed as such.

As for the epidurals or not, my flashback of the one time I had one, came back to me this morning, like the horrible ordeal it ended up being.  Cedars of Sinai Hospital, 1984.  Lumbar.  The doctor had to stop the procedure due to the excruciating pain.  Whatever occurred, it did not work.  

This morning, also, I realized since a radiologist has to do this procedure in the hospital, that what is injected are steroids.  Prednisone is a steroid.  Oral Prednisone I took on doctor's orders (to see if would reduce pain when a siege coming on) caused a terrible headache reaction.  Was having trouble hanging on with that level of pain....  Doctor next day said take no more.

I researched epidurals online.  The positive rate is 50%.  The length of time for positive lessening of pain as a result is a few days to a couple or so months.  The closer to the head the injection, the higher risk of negative side effects, the major one being spinal headache.  I called back the hospital intake person and gave them my past experience with an epidural, even if years ago, soon after accident, but also my Monday night reaction to prednisone.  The doctors will review and decide.

In the meantime, given that I'd have to hire a Lyft driver to take me and one to bring me back, I'm not sure with the potential side effects but mostly with the reality that relief is only 50% positive and at that, temporary, why go down this path?  It was horrible the other day when the B-12 injection brought nerve pain relief for a few hours, but the next morning the comparison to the pain back in full force made it downright sad to the psyche!  Perhaps it is as well to just manage the pain as I have been with its reality, as it is, and not put myself through even more ups and downs with feeling better than the effect of even feeling far worse when the temporary benefits wear off!

The doctor's office called.  The surgical referral has been sent to the surgeon.  That is a different matter.  If the surgeon can remove the bone spurs and open up the space around my squeezed spinal cord in the lumbar region, and if he thinks he can make space for pinched nerves as well, that is worth doing.  Spinal stenosis is not only quite painful, but the use of my legs are at risk with nerves being cut off eventually and the spinal cord, as well, from being able to do their work and keep me mobile.

I'll pray more about the epidural, but I'm thinking not to do it.  The parish nurse also said, as I asked her professional opinion, words concurring with some of what I'd read online about steroid injections.  I know my pain MD is trying what might help, and I'm grateful.  I'll keep praying; the Lord will guide, but I must listen carefully and discern.  If the memory of the epidural in 1984 came from the Holy Spirit, it certainly was a vivid reminder of one medical procedure gone wrong.  The effects of the temporary nature of the B-12 injection remind me of how disappointing and painful it is when back to the usual level of pain and how short-lived and costly reprieves can be.  The reaction to the oral prednisone just three nights ago seem to highlight the primary side effect of epidural injections.

See how much medical information has come in one afternoon on the floor-bed in Solus Deus Hermitage!  I'd have preferred not having to make calls and think through health considerations, yet again.  Nor did I want to have to already run up against the difficulty of someone trying to encourage and assuming the usual with a person. It was tricky, the other not knowing that it is not my being negative or contrary to all the suggestions of socializing and getting into parish groups and activities--wonderful as they are for lay persons and many religious--yet not that of the eremitic vocation. 

I'm a consecrated Catholic hermit, plain and simple, and I intend to live as best as I can according to what the Church foremost requires of all hermits and specifically in my case, the privately professed variety--as follows:

The Eremitic Life

920 Without always professing the three evangelical counsels publicly, hermits "devote their life to the praise of God and salvation of the world through a stricter separation from the world, the silence of solitude and assiduous prayer and penance."

921 They manifest to everyone the interior aspect of the mystery of the Church, that is, personal intimacy with Christ.  Hidden from the eyes of men, the life of the hermit is a silent preaching of the Lord, to whom he has surrendered his life simply because he is everything to him.  Here is a particular call to find in the desert, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One.