Catholic Hermit: Jesus Gives Authority

Went for a walk and thankful to finally after several days of bedrest, to do so.  Walking energizes my body and my spirit; I praise God for being able to enjoy the fresh air now and then and to thank Him for the many blessings something such as a simple walk provides!

I met two neighbors along the way.  One woman's little dog, Pardner, came to me for some attention, and that brought a bit more of interaction with its owner.  We decided that my walking with her toward her house would encourage Pardner to follow along, and I was glad to oblige in the humor of the tiny but in-charge dog with "attitude"--convincing him that he was choosing to come along and not following....

The other neighbor I encountered is a man closer by who has been hard at work with major project in his back yard.  He commented that he would try to get the "mess" cleaned up off the street (sand and gravel as part of the stone patio construction), and I told him  the street can wait--his hard work and efforts are uplifting and inspiring.

I do love to be of Christ whatever I am able, when able, in the delight and, also sometimes, the challenge of uplift and encouragement.

This may seem odd, coming from this pained and worn out, consecrated Catholic hermit.  Much of my writing is of trying to keep going, praying for God's graces to manage pain which is from the research on the now-increased pain symptoms of Adhesive Arachnoiditis--a veritable living death sentence.  However, writing about confession, forgiveness from God (we cannot count on or expect it from humans--this grace of forgiveness and forgetting wrongs committed--although a gift if such occurs) has uplifted my own spirit and given me encouragement.

So while walking along, I praised God that I have always been given the ability to forgive others.  In years past, probably the most difficult one to forgive was the earthly spouse who had been living a double life of sorts, unfaithful in many aspects, and shortly after our car accident and my injury, said he no longer wanted to be married.  It was not so much that he did not want to remain married, but it was the continuation of cruelty and harassment that made the forgiveness process prolonged.

I was willing to forgive from the beginning, and even willing to put the infidelities behind--but the earthly spouse still did not want to remain married, and would not agree to stop leaving myself and our three young children, then returning only to leave again.  So he left once and for all, yet did not leave off the vindictive and on-going harassment.  By the grace of God and a court miracle, the children and I were allowed to move a good distance to live where there would be family and friends and a life of security and calm for the children:  a fresh start.

Very much is God in charge of forgiveness and of forgetting.  Being able to forget others and ourselves, the sins of all types that can be committed in daily life, intentionally but mostly unintentionally, requires a desire to be able to forgive readily and also to be able to forget.  Yes, it takes a desire and a willingness to embrace what God shows us by His forgiveness and fully washing the slate clean, so to speak.

Sometimes we must be open to His nudging us to make changes, such as the Lord, after four years of ongoing harassment despite the divorce over and done, would show me nightly in dreams--repeatedly for a year--that we were to move to my hometown, two thousand miles away.  When I'd in the day think of or make inquiry in other locations and not the small hometown, the dreams would persist--only the hometown.  Even when it seemed as if we would not be allowed to leave the state we were in, there came the miracle in the courtroom.

So yes, sometimes we need to remove ourselves from those who are sinning, when they do not wish to stop their wrong actions or words or ways of being.  Sometimes we need to remove ourselves when we are the ones sinning--remove ourselves from situations or even people that tempt us to sin to a point that we fall to doing wrong.  We keep ourselves from the temptation of sin in this way; but even that ability to remove ourselves from temptation is a grace and strength given us by God.

But for the most part, the changes that are required in order to fully forgive and also forget sins of others and ourselves, are the changes that occur within our minds, hearts, and souls.  The change relies upon desire and willingness to truly forgive and forget, and a faith in God that He will provide all the grace necessary for our minds, hearts, and souls to truly forgive...and also forget sins.

I've been pondering some verses in the Gospel of St. Matthew.  Jesus had called together his twelve disciples and "gave them authority over unclean spirits to drive them out and to cure every disease and every illness"  (Mt. 9:35).  The word "authority" struck me especially.

Jesus in the Gospel [my hermit rule of life is the Gospel Rule of life--a never-ending source of truth and life in striving to live the Gospel] gave them authority.  In this particular time and situation, Jesus gave his disciples authority over unclean spirits--to rid them out--as well as authority to heal.

I recall once when blessed with one of the many visits with my late spiritual da, that he had been questioning why it is that not more priests do not have more spiritual gifts.  We discussed the possible reasons for this, including God giving various graces to various persons, or of our lack of faith, or also of God's providence and will in particular situations for particular purposes.  But it was a good question, indeed.

So also is my wonderment when considering this one brief clause in Matthew 9:35: Jesus gave them authority....   It is Jesus who gives us authority.  Jesus chooses those to whom he grants authority.  In Jesus Christ, we are given authority.  We are authorized by Christ.

Being given authority is something of which we can ask, much as we ask for graces, for virtues, for help, for forgiveness, for love...for God's will in our lives...for deeper conversions in Christ.

Have I ever asked the Lord to give me authority to fulfill any aspects of His will, of my God-desired purpose and mission in life, in my eremitic vocation, in my being His follower, a disciple of and in His Real Presence?

I have never thought to ask the Lord to grant me authority in any way He may desire or will, in undertakings He asks of me--such as He might give me authority to bless those around me in temporal or in spiritual presence.  He might want to give me authority over my or others negative thoughts--to drive them out.  Or Jesus might want to give me authority to uplift and encourage those with low self-esteem or who are suffering or weary.

Jesus might want to give me authority in greater faith in prayer, or authority over my self-will so that I do more His will than flounder, or authority over discouragement that keeps me from His love.

I'm going to pray ask Jesus to give me authority over whatever it is that He might desire of me for which His authority is needed.  I rather think His authority being given is quite necessary for nearly if not all aspects of my life in Christ, as His child and follower, as a Christ-disciple parent of adult children, grandparent, and most definitely His consecrated Catholic hermit and writer.

Perhaps Jesus wants to give me authority over the words that I write, speak, think.  Jesus granting authority of full obeisance to the Holy Spirit--whose inspiration ought be the only genesis of whatever comes to mind and out the mouth or through the fingertips on this laptop, and on out into the internet of universal information.

Well, Jesus gives authority.  That is truth.  And He gives authority for whatever the Father wills, and to whomever.  I simply have never considered that one can be open to receiving whatever of His authority He may wish to give us, for whatever purposes of holy furtherance of His Real Presence among us.

I remain open to Christ in whatever way He may desire of me.  For one thing, though, I know He is the authority of my life and my immortal soul.  He has authority over my nothing to His All.  He is author and perfecter of our beings.  And I praise Him for His being my loving authority, now and for all eternity.  Jesus does give me that--He is Authority.  He gives His being forever as my Beloved Authority.  He gives to all of us Himself, as our authority.

I ask Jesus to give me whatever authority to be and whatever He wills of me.  In faith and trust, His authority given me may be authority in suffering, authority in writing of hermit life or whatever other of thoughts and love of Christ or temporal struggles of and about which Christ Jesus always cares.  I won't know what authority He may wish to give me until I ask.

Now consider (in conjunction to Jesus being our Authority and our being open to receiving His authority, open to His giving us authority in whatever of His Divine Purpose and Will in our individual daily lives)--that Jesus states and exhorts:  "Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give" (Mt. 10:8).

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: A Hermit's Redemption

Today, being the Second Sunday in Advent and also December 8, is the vigil of the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary.  It also is the day celebrating a hermit, new to me:  St. Patapios of 4th c. Thebes.  I'm asking intercessions of this hermit, and as ever, of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  They know my needs and the prayers of my heart, and I know their prayers already are helping.

Waking in the morning is increasingly difficult for me, with this amount of pain.  I also am grieving losses, and I recognize the emptying out as a needful aspect for my mind, heart, and soul; yet it feels as if being crushed and then also squeezed of whatever remnants remain of what was or is my self.  

As for the post I wrote yesterday, of the person who yet again derided in her blog post, and has been an on-going discrediting of my validity as a consecrated Catholic hermit, her action is not lost on me as a marvelous opportunity in penance.  I tell the Lord that I realize such a type of persecution is deserved for I had myself written of others, and described situations of which those persons could and did feel persecuted.  I suppose a difference is in my not revealing identifiable information; but of course the persons, if they located my site, could see themselves in my thoughts and feelings.   I also apologized, asked God's forgiveness, repented with remorse, and once more strive to do as Jesus says: "go and sin no more" (John 8:11).

Anyone of us could see aspects of ourselves in parts of what is shared; and I pray that even in this post, the sense of being crushed and then squeezed to the last bit of breath is also relatable, or might be at some point in some reader's temporal life.  And by sharing the depth of loss, of grieving that is intertwined with tremendous suffering of body and soul, perhaps the Lord will help me through writing and sharing, the way to keep going in what is an increasingly narrowed path and series of portals--each one smaller and more difficult to squeeze through other than by my very being needfully crushed and squeezed to a point of total insignificance.

In this wrung out nothingness, not only the mind and heart, but the very soul weeps.  So incredibly difficult it is to not reach out to those I've hurt and wronged in ways I don't even know what it is, or was, other than bits of this and that and intermingled with remnants of what I think it might be or had been.  How many times must one apologize and ask forgiveness?

Once is enough, although even if seventy-times-seven we offer our mea culpas, forgiveness is the Lord's to grant.  Once is enough for God.  And only God is sure to forgive in a way that forgets and continues to love and be with us, always.  And only saints--highly evolved souls--are able to forgive and forget and continue to love and be with others because such souls have accepted, have agreed to, being crushed and squeezed out enough to the nothingness that begets the indwelling and infilling of His Real Presence.

I pray this for my being, that the Lord crush and squeeze to whatever more extent needed and purposeful to my redemption in Christ.  In this process, I can rejoice in the losses which become praises; and I trust all the more in the Holy Trinity to shelter what is of nothing remaining other than breath and heartbeat.

I must simply keep going for the sake of His Real Presence in me and His allowing my soul to be in Him.  Only in Christ will I endure; only His Real Presence can encourage me by His love and forgiveness, in His reality of purpose and meaning.  

What brought my crushed soul through the waking darkness, yet again this morning, were the words of a saint of long ago, named Augustine.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes what he wrote:  "Man is made to live in communion with God in whom he finds happiness:  When I am completely united to You, there will be no more sorrow or trials; entirely full of you, my life will be complete (St. Augustine, Confessions, 10, 28, 39: PL 32, 795).

Next I turn to Christ in His Living Word.  Another saint, a sinner, repentant, who kept going after being crushed and squeezed out, and fully forgiven by Christ writes of his thoughts and experiences and of the triumph of Christ.  Paul, whose words in the Letter to the Romans, 15:4-6, fill in what the losses could never begin to revive, offers these inspired thoughts to me, to each of us, bereft of all but His Real Presence:

"Brothers and sisters:
Whatever was written previously was written for our instruction,
that by endurance and by the encouragement of the Scriptures
we might have hope.
May the God of endurance and encouragement
grant you to think in harmony with one another,
in keeping with Christ Jesus,
that with one accord you may with one voice
glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

"Welcome one another, then, as Christ welcomed you,
for the glory of God...."

And who does such as a crushed and squeezed nothing soul living out what remains of temporal life--who does such as a nothingness welcome, in reality?  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit welcomes and thinks in harmony, and with one accord with one silent voice, glorifies God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ:  all souls yet living on this earth and those living in the eternity of what is beyond temporal suffering and imperfection of mortal existence.

This nothing of my self welcomes all, despite those unwilling, unable, not tangibly present.  This nothing crushed and squeezed out, between worlds, aligns and is aware of other presences, such as John the Baptist who reminds me of his great warmth for me as one who is different and knows what it means to be different, yet to simply keep going. 

John, who cries out as one voice of those of us in the bewildering wilderness of our nothingness:

"Prepare the way of the Lord,
make straight his paths." (Mt. 1:3).

Or the voice of the prophet Isaiah who foretold John the Baptist's words to all those crushed and squeezed out--nothingness awaiting and desiring union in Christ:
"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!" (Mt. 1:2).

John, another nothingness as one who agreed to and accepted being crushed and squeezed out so as to be filled in with Christ, exemplifies the desert way of the hermit soul.  "John wore clothing made of camel's hair and had a leather belt around his waist.  His food was locusts and wild honey"  (Mt. 3:5). 

All the people of Jersusalem and all Judea and the entire area around the Jordan River were at that time were going out to seek John the Baptist, to be baptized by him in the river--"as they acknowledged their sins." (Mt. 3:6).

"'Even now the ax lies at the root of the trees.
Therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit
will be cut down and thrown into the fire.
I am baptizing you with water, for repentance,
but the one who is coming after me is mightier than I.
I am not worthy to carry his sandals.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fan is in his hand.
He will clear His threshing floor
and gather His wheat into His barn,
but the chaff He will burn with unquenchable fire'" (Mt. 3:7-12).

Such is the way, the path present and forward, of the crushed and squeezed out, the nothing mind, heart, and soul.  While the bodily pains bearing the sorrows and sufferings of temporal life sins and imperfections, a cross of many crosses, the nothing mind, heart, and soul of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit continues on, awaiting the indwelling of the Holy Trinity, of the mystical yet quite Real Presence of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

The one family member nearby in locale has called.  I could not answer for must prudently be in better custody of the bodily pain that riverlike overflows in emotional and mental tributaries.  What can I offer if am not in possession of my temporal thoughts and emotions, of prayerful custody over the pain?  My nothingness must be within Christ's holiness of loving listening and response in order to welcome in one accord of the holy, unseen others present: for the glory of God!

I praise God for the blessings of what temporal means of helping subdue pain, and of knowing that each moment is blessed with His love and companionship, and that the earthly seasons that seem to cause more pain will pass.  This is Advent, after all, and a time of great preparation and waiting with expectation of Christ's coming!

Await redemption of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, of a suffering human being, of a soul!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Solus Deus

A spiritual friend had texted this morning, remembering it was the surgeon four-month follow up appointment today.  I know the friend would pray; and I know the person knows I am praying for a grandson, a month old now, born with cleft palate and but one kidney--and that not functioning properly.  Then a family member called to hear how the appointment transpired.  Am grateful for thoughtful inquiries.

In evening received a text from the neighbor who picked up items from the warehouse store.  Wanted to know what could be done, such as a physical trainer, to get me built up and healed--wanted to know what people in the neighborhood could do to help me with any needs.  How very thoughtful!  

I texted an online site in which the person could read about Adhesive Arachnoiditis, as it is best for people to see it in print that this is not going to be healed.  I explained that physical therapy actually is not advised due to the potential for exacerbating the arachnoiditis symptoms; walking is about the best, plus doing some gentle stretching--and even walking will cause the AA to flare. 

As for many neighbors knowing about my situation, I mentioned given my physical vulnerability especially when I have pain sieges, or such as the vertigo, best to have just a few know, ones who won't mind my calling upon them if I need some assistance.  I now pray that I worded the message in a way that will not seem ungrateful, yet I did not want to specify also the medication consideration; I had a medication theft situation several years ago.  In our current climate pain caution is necessary.

I will message in return when it is daylight, making sure the neighbor person knows how grateful I am that they are willing to be a contact couple for me.  I definitely have learned to not mention my hermit vocation by means of explaining why I am used to or am living in more solitude than most others.  I have learned it is best to not stir thought-associations or notions of what can come to mind regarding the word "hermit" or even to some, what "Catholic" can bring forth by word association.

I know that the Lord is letting me know He is providing for me--lovely, kind people in the vicinity who have compassion and realize, such as this neighbor, is beginning to relate and factor the reality of the situation--albeit thinking in terms that most would--of healing, of improving more than what likely will be the reality in physical terms.  I, myself, am grappling with the reality of how limited I am compared to even a couple months prior to surgery.

The surgeon agrees that the increased pain and various symptoms indicate the Adhesive Arachnoiditis likely is worse.  I could honestly say that the lumbar area, while still painful in a post-surgical way, feels stabilized and solid, and I can tell I'm improved from post-surgery in that type of aspect--incision, motion, not needing the brace on as much other than when standing to make the soup the other day, or when engaged in tasks requiring lifting or such as the Lyft car ride today.

But it is likely the surgery (and the pain doctor's early July steroid injection into the spinal column) exacerbated the Arachnoiditis, for those symptoms include now numbness in the legs, off and on, and the spinal stenosis aspect of surgery is quite successful, so the spinal cord and peripheral nerves are no longer being pinched.  Thanks be to God, once again, for having the AA diagnosis and finding a couple or so reliable research sites and abstracts.  All the various symptoms are easily explained!

But it is rather a discouraging prognosis, and one in which I simply must trust in God fully.  The surgeon agreed that there is really no way of knowing other than the instrumentation and bone in the surgery area are all looking "great."  But the increase in other symptoms which are in the AA research, indicates that situation has worsened.  At least being able to take anti-inflammatory medication and supplements again, will help somewhat, surely!  And I still hope in God for increased stamina over the next 8 months that will complete a year of surgery recovery.

Tonight continues a series of nights in which the pain is keeping me from sleep.  This night is the worst thus far, with a spinal headache and nausea that do not want to give in to the medication's ameliorating effects.  I'll add on some Excedrin, and otherwise continue prayers for people, for all our souls, for God's will in our lives.

I'm accepting the seeming dropping by the wayside of a couple other friends of the past.  While we had not kept in touch frequently, their lives have moved on in ways positive, I'm sure; and mine is as I've written already, as if in a cusp, or facing a portal of which I ask the Lord's help in the timing and the presence to pass through.  This is a portal which I sense enters into deeper spiritual life in Christ, greater love of God and others but in a less temporal, less tangible way of love.

And I still deal with my wrong doings, my imprudence, my lack of filtering and of expressing myself in ways that trigger and/or offend others.  I'm giving over to the Lord to choose for me, those who can forgive and accept my apologies or also to be able to understand and live with the reality of my imperfections and idiosyncrasies.  I also must allow those who cannot forgive me or not able to accept my imperfection--to accept their moving on in their lives and for me to let go with gratitude and inner peace.  

I'm not fully at the inner peace part of those who need to drop off and move on in their lives; I still feel bad for my offenses even in a couple cases in which I truly do not know what it is or was, or even if something I had done--of which I tend to think surely was my flaws or wrong-doings.  Just seems would be due to something on my part; it is best to give others the benefit of the doubt.  

But in a couple other situations, of course I know my fault and have been forgiven by God even if not by the persons, or if also by the persons, I do not know if that is the case, but on my part I must accept and live God's forgiveness.  That is not always so easy--to have that kind of faith that God's forgiveness is full and instantaneous--our souls washed white as snow when we have repented and asked God to forgive us.

I'm certain of God's allowance of all these matters, however.  Even though I make mistakes and missteps, God knows my heart and knows my level of suffering, and knows the fragility of what I can handle in accord with my great love and concern for others, along with a sensitivity in awareness of nuances and situations.

"A strong city have we;
He sets up walls and ramparts to protect us" (Isaiah 26:1). 

The pain in my body complicates matters of sensitivity and concern; my threshold of tolerance is not as temperate as would be virtuous.  However, I consider that in a couple or so circumstances, it is more virtuous, it seems, to have the honest thoughts and feelings exposed even if gauchely so, and causing hurt which of course I regret, resulting in severance.

All in all, though, I have this deep, inner sense that the Lord is leading also guiding, and is allowing by His providence and will, the curtailing or trimming back or cutting off, temporarily or in this potential end-run or phase.  He is bringing forward such as a few neighbors for brief interactions. 

I am grasping in these types of contacts, more as how the hermits St. Seraphim the Seraph, St. Godric of Finchale,and St. Charbel Maklouf viewed and firmly held to letting go of various persons, and that they accepted God's also limiting of others in contacts and relationships.

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man" (Ps. 118:8)

For me, it is as the Lord is choosing for me.  (I certainly am aware to not trust in myself.)  While I can continue to fully take responsibility for my flawed aspects and sins, others, also, have option to have forgiven or been willing to go forward despite my doings.  In all of the shiftings of relationships, the timing coincides amazingly, providentially, with the increase of pain and further unknowing of whatever limitations and sufferings.  

I am reminded of God's directing our lives as lived in our vocations--be it lay persons in single or married vocations, or those of us in the various forms of consecrated life of the Church, or those in holy orders.  Especially in the hermit vocation, the formation and living out, day by day, our eremitic lives are individually chosen and unfold uniquely by God, our ultimate, Divine Superior.

Well, the spinal headache is not subsiding, so I will need to take more Super Excedrin and add on a half of muscle relaxant.  I had hoped in God that I'd not have an aftermath from the drive to and from surgeon nor from the short walk. (But this does not mean that I will give up trying to develop stamina physically and otherwise.)  God has chosen and allows this increased, painful aftermath instead of what I wanted. 

It is as simple as that.

"I will give thanks to You, for You have answered me
and have been my Savior" (Ps. 118:21). 

And I know in love and faith, with increasing trust that God is always providing and willing what is best for my soul.  His will be done, and I am realizing how blessed to learn to praise Him for choosing always what is best for us--for our souls, specifically and especially.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Waking Gift from St. Nerses

Upon awakening, this beautiful writing of St. Nerses IV the Gracious, 12th century Armenian patriarch, fills me with the hope in God of Christ's finding me here on my bed of so much suffering, staying ever with me despite all else, lifting me up and carrying me far from myself.

I briefly read briefly about this man's life, all the good he did with attempts at bringing peace between the differing factions of the Armenian and Orthodox Churches, of which negotiations eventually failed.  Given the honor, the name of  "Chnorhali or Shnorhali," meaning "filled with Grace," St. Nerses is also known for his many beautiful writings of theology, poems, and hymns such as the following, which touches my soul striving to co-exist with earthly pain.

I have wandered in the desert,
Gone astray in the wilderness,
One among a hundred
As in the parable of the sheep.

The wicked enemy tore it to pieces:
He covered it with incurable wounds;
Hence there is no other cure for the wound
But you, to heal it.

In floods of tears I implore you,
I lift up my cries to my Lord:
O Good Shepherd, come down from heaven,
Go in search of the little flock.

Lord, seek out the fallen coin,
Your image that was lost (Gn 1:26),
That I trampled in the vice of sin
And the stinking mud.

Wash me, Lord, from my filth;
Make my soul pure as the whiteness of snow (Is 1:18).
Make up the number of the ten coins
As you did for the forty saints [of Sebaste].

Carry me on your shoulders, O you who bore the cross;
Be pleased to raise up my fallen soul.
Give joy to the heavenly host of angels
at the return of a single sinner.

       ~  "Jesus, the Father's Only Son"

Thank you, St. Nerses the Gracious, for inspiring in Christ.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Another Dream, Telling, and Humor

When awakening, very early morning, pain per usual tough, I was rather grateful that had I dreamed, I did not recall.  Dealt with some brief correspondence, knowing my hibernation status, of being in custody.  Fell back asleep after awhile, after as has become my morning inclusion, prayer and happiness for R, thinking of his rising in his transcendence of physical pain, feeding his animals, and heading to his work place where he is in field of helping others with healing or such.

I was in the culmination of a dream when I was awakened by a phone call from a family member, a rare call; we've not seen one another in over 15 years.

I was thankfully rescued from the peak of the dream!  Albeit humorous, as some dreams go, though, in the unfolding it was not.  Yet this dream was telling, of various layers, and easy enough for me to discern the message--and also to appreciate the humor for which I'm grateful and need.

In the dream, I was being prepped for another spinal surgery.  (My actual physical pain was signaling my mind, and the mind was imaging the effects in the dream.)  A surgeon came to talk with me, and he was a band director who retired when I was in sixth grade--old then, and even older in the dream (not to mention having passed from this life about forty years ago.  

He left, and when I was told was half hour before surgery, a different surgeon came to say the other one could not do the surgery, but he was stepping in.  This surgeon who began readying me for surgery, happened to be in life my great-uncle who was also old in the dream, very old, as he had lived to nearly 103 years of age, but has been passed over 15 years now.

With seeing this great-uncle as my surgeon, and with the surgery time nigh, I began to panic with the reality that matters were getting worse for me, not only having to have another spine surgery but that the surgeons had no medical experience and were getting even older in age as they appeared to me.  So I called on my phone, trying to reach my parents to get help, as they would know the great-uncle not a surgeon and with in life his heart-stoppages in late years, my fate was in desperate circumstances.  But the number was not correct, and I could not reach my parents.

That was when the here-and-now phone call rescued me from the dream.  I (in rare prudence for me, but I'm praying and trying to improve) asked the person calling if I could call back, that I was still in dozing mode.  That gave me a chance to deal with the dream (we know how dreams can sometimes be stunning or take a bit to shake how real they seem), and to figure out another aspect of it that is of value.  I realized the phone number I was calling in the dream, of course was my parents' phone number of decades ago, but it was the phone number of my long-time friend's parents home phone.

Amazing how God allows our memory to access whatever needed through dreams (and often in waking hours or times of crisis, when we are open and needful of help or also soul instruction.  More of the dream began making sense to me, as the surgery part was yet another indicator from my physical body that my pain is severe.  I considered the two surgeons--the old band director who even back then seemed especially old to an 11-year-old, and the great-uncle who was also elderly for much of the time I knew him, considering he was 50 years my elder already, when I was born.

I did not think of all these aspects immediately, for I tended to calling the family member back after I got a grip on pain, got coffee to help the always-headache, and prepared a bowl of oatmeal to bring back to my bed where I eat reclining.  I simply cannot sit with the pain as it is, since surgery.   But portions of what the Holy Spirit needs me to recognize and to do what I must do, on my part, in response to the dream messages, have come to me off and on this day.

Not knowing for certain, but knowing with a kind of spiritual nudge, I have apologized to the old band director and to the elderly great-uncle, for anything I may have thought or commented upon, or criticized or judged even in nuance--not knowing for sure or remembering specifics, but with the old band director I did feel intimidated by him as he was stern and a large man, so my child sense then was one of caution for various reasons, a sense I had of wanting to stay clear.  But no doubt I may have thought or spoken negatively, or had unnecessarily criticized in my mind.  

As to my great-uncle, I have no conscious idea other than when he did pass, I did not go to his visitation or funeral; my mother was very ill, and I was worn out and felt I could not have energy to interact and converse. I remained keeping my mother company in her health care room at a nursing facility. I felt guilty for doing so because this uncle and his children who were my dad's cousins, I dearly love, and he and they had been generous, helpful, and supportive of me and my children when I returned to hometown after accident, divorce, and life-altering back surgery.  But I made a choice to not push myself more than what I felt I could manage.  

So today I've made my heart-felt apologies for offenses to either of these men in whatever ways; and I pray for them, as well, as prayer is always good when we are reminded of anyone.  

And then I dealt with the phone number of my long-time friend's childhood home and on through the parents' long lives.  There was a specific reason why that was the number I was calling repeatedly in the dream; the Lord is keeping before me, a reminder of the consequence of having hurt deeply the long-time friend recently, and of which I am accepting of consequences after apologizing.

But that linkage with my friend and reminder of my wrong-doing, my sin, includes the story line of the dream, of my being prepared for yet another back surgery in the dream and the reminder of my rudeness in not going to the great-uncle's funeral.  (And perhaps some rudeness or other I committed as a child to the old band director; I will assume some fault of mine, for I was wary for whatever reason, and perhaps unfounded and that is the fault.)

The linkage is of my wrong doing to friend, but also the reality I'm coming to accept, that I am worn out from years of physical pain and years of suffering, and of the various trials that by the grace of God I've lived through, but of the many times I pushed myself beyond pain limits to a point of trying to be or do for others, or even be in conversations or whatever other, when I simply should not have done so.  For therein I get myself into trouble, over-invest in other people's lives and business, or do not filter thoughts and feelings in a compassionate or prudent manner.

I asked the Lord to forgive me for that--for pushing myself beyond limits when He does not expect me to, even if it seems rude or selfish of me to not go or do or converse.  There is a pride in this, that I have, and so I asked God's forgiveness for my prideful self that somehow has thought I could handle interactions or push myself to do, when in actuality and humility, I most certainly could not.  It is when worn down from pain and suffering, that even my inner senses pick up on aspects that stay with me, and grow beyond what is best in intensity, and stay with me for a long time.  It is hard to shake off and to also filter or refrain from comment or doing that which causes hurt or upset.

It is not the silent preaching of Christ that is part of my hermit basis, set forth by the Church for consecrated eremites.  Even if there are some points of truth or whatever, or a sensing of something or other, such as perhaps picking up on something in the old band director's demeanor or temperament, prayer is best and prudent in any situation.  And this is true particularly when my life has been for years formed by pain, suffering, and one trial after another.  I am not safe to myself or others unless quite limited physically, for pain opens me up in ways most could not begin to comprehend; and silence of solitude and the Lord's protective custody of me is crucial.  I grasp this all the more, even though I have been shown it in the past off and on and reel myself back in.

But I am back to hibernation, and this is what I was told and shown 34 years ago when my maternal grandmother whom I'd called out to for help, appeared to me in a corporeal, waking vision, and told me I would need to learn to "hibernate like a bear" for protection from the world.  There is more to that vision, but I've shared it before, I'm pretty sure, and the hibernation and why, is the point, and this morning's dream brings up aspects of what the Holy Spirit is providing in this hibernation.  He is digging up, bringing to the surface, persons and themes of past flaws and sins, and allowing me the kindness of time to ask forgiveness and repent.  

Plus, I am grasping with this greater level of continuous, bodily pain than ever before, how wrong it is of me to even consider going back, of thinking of taking on more interaction, than what limited amount God brings. I must not tempt myself with reaching back in or pushing myself more, but simply to let go of what is past and done, and not also replace with other interactions.  See my pride in thinking I can handle being drawn out into the temporal world even if would seem charitable.  

I must attend to managing pain and doing well, handling well the few and brief encounters the Lord brings to me.  Learn prudent self-control, such as not talking or trying to go and do when I am, myself, in the condition of "Father forgive me, for I know not what I am doing."  

I must prepare my soul for my temporal passing whenever God wills, when Jesus returns to take me with Him.  Seek to progress in the spiritual life, devote my life to praise of God and for salvation of the world, pray for all, be penitent, and  above all, to love:  to love to learn to love as best able.  Love God in Himself above all things, and love others and self as God loves.  Embrace the grace of suffering the same as I embrace the grace of God's delights.  

Embrace being in God's protective custody, hibernating like a bear for protection from the world in my life that is to be a silent preaching of Christ and a hiddenness yet manifesting to everyone the interior aspects of the Church, that is, the personal intimacy of Christ.

The more I grasp and remind myself, the more I write it out, the more I will be subsumed into His will in these matters, and I will better live the Gospel Rule even if in silence of solitude.  My spirit, if it remains in Christ and in His love, will greet whomever God brings in spirit, or the few He brings in temporal actuality.  I can be with others in the Holy Spirit without effort beyond what my pained, fatigued, and mishap-prone-but-penitent person.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Rejoicing in gratitude in the Holy Trinity!

Catholic Hermit: Dear God in Heaven

No wonder the clerk at the nearby grocery (1.5 or so miles) started bagging for me and called a man to come lift and take me to my truck, Precious Blood.  I was fading rapidly from my first-effort at driving and getting a few groceries.  When I got back to hermitage, I saw in the mirror a face worse than I've ever seen--white with deeply sunk eyes, reddish gray around the sockets.  

I cannot prepare anything to eat so got crackers and a slice of cheese, and thanks to a gift of a rapid water boiler, a cup of herbal tea. Had to take extra meds; am down now, but pain knifing.  Driving home I could not get my truck lights to beam properly; was doing all to simply focus on following the next vehicle and get to where I could collapse on bed.  The light problem will resolve; probably something to do with the dead battery which has been replaced with new, thanks to yet another kindly neighbor.

Dear God in Heaven, this is quite horrible pain.  But coming home, praying for God's help as I needed help in way too hard to describe in what pain does to a person, I realized I am fine with it, for I consider that my sins are maybe being burned as just due.  And when I in another post wrote that I would of course admit and accept whatever judgment when I die from this body and earth, as I confess and ask forgiveness each time I recognize my sins and flaws, I suppose I cannot for certain know how I will respond at some unknown, future point.  But I think and feel that I will readily confess and admit any and all sins and wrongdoings that I have not done en route, while traversing this path of life.

My intellect and will in the center of my soul, as well as my heart's desire to love God and do good, would have to undergo some change between now and then for me to veer from accepting my wrongs shown me by my angel, the Holy Spirit, others, and Jesus when He returns for me to take me with Him and judges all aspects of my life and soul while on earth.

If an unconfessed mortal sin, or a sin I will not admit to--then the fires of hell await.  I tell you, while I was physically and mentally fading at the check out, and the checker Janet so alert and giving help and calling for help, and then in the short but agonizing drive back to Solus Deus, my body felt as if being already in the fires of hell.  The pulsating knife in a certain area of my spine continues, but thankfully it will subside in time.

And on another note, while on the walk today, I found myself praying the Jesus Prayer.  Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.  (Sometimes when I've prayed this prayer I include after Lord Jesus Christ...the words, Son of the Living God...have mercy on me, a sinner.  Just another version of this prayer of origin in the 5th c. Egyptian desert fathers' and mothers' repeated oration.)

While praying as I walked, repeating the words, I had to laugh--for I realized that it could be similar to the man's story experience from repetitive focusing and following the intake and outflow of his breath which after many hours, brought him to a point of transcending physical pain.  (Wrote of this in previous posts, in addition to my working through the pondering.) 

That connection made, or at least the thought of a similarity of repetitive, rhythmic focus, brought reminder of the book The Way of the Pilgrim which relates the story of an 18th c [I think that the time period of the holy seeker] Russian pilgrim/hermit who passed through various phases of the spiritual life in his wanderings, detachment from the world, and also praying without ceasing, the Jesus Prayer.

Of course, while I found the similarity in repetitive thought, then heart, then soul focus between Randall's breathing and my praying the Jesus Prayer while walking, or the desert fathers and mothers praying that prayer or shortened version of Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me,  I also reflected upon obvious differences.  

Breath as opposed to words, focusing on breathing compared to focusing on Jesus being God and us being sinners--but at some point in the Jesus Prayer, the words become wordless, the sentiment or truth settles into the heart, and at some point the mindless, effortless unity in Christ's mercy takes root in the soul.   Or such are the insights thus far.

Dear God in Heaven, with the first drive and grocery shopping attempt, this has been a poignant day of clear realities, of facing my hurtfulness of others, of admitting and accepting my sins and asking and accepting God's forgiveness.  It is a day of breakthrough in a written exercise asked of me by the man from parish who has developed the course including dreams, interpretation and discernment helpful in spiritual direction, based in Scripture and Carmelite spirituality, especially St. Teresa's dreams, visions, and locutions.  

I wrote it in email, and I dared also tell him he had come to me in a dream, and for fun, if he wanted, describe himself some; it is unlikely we will ever meet in person.  But I explained the dream, for on my walk and after, the Lord helped me grasp it is time for me to buckle down, to get all prongs plugged into the spiritual socket, into the Source of Power:  His Real Presence--God the Father, Jesus His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Dear God in Heaven, a clear and pivotal day of reckoning and and also one of transformation by Christ's mercy and love.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Mea Culpa and Accepting Judgment

The thought had come not long ago, perhaps recently, that the situation of which I was personally but anonymously writing might somehow be reading my posts.  Yet I wrote on, and I yet write, for thankfully the long time friend responded with much courage to say it was not my input and opinions on the OCT treatments, did not feel betrayed on that, but that I would use what was the person's hardest year of life to navigate, which I agree, as fodder to publish.  Plus, that my judgments and criticisms of which are half-truths and so forth, were written as if gospel.

I admit to having written, even if anonymously, of my concerns.  And yes, I can see it can be judging others and criticizing, and my views and opinions.  I was analyzing amidst my own upset.  I also was working through it all, my own upset probably as selfishly as anything, using Scriptures and trying to discern what of God, of love, of forgiveness, and now I can add in judgment of wrong doing.

While I responded with apology to the loved one, a long time friend, and had asked the Lord the other day to take me in spirit to apologize to my cousin, I can do so again to apologize for having hurt the friend as well as to ask the Lord to take me in spirit to confess my writing my opinions, analysis of his wife and their situation, and ask forgiveness of both, in spirit and to the friend in the text of my being sorry.

So it is my mea culpa, and I admitted in responding to the friend, my longest-time friend, that I accept I am going to be facing a most severe judgment from God.  I did not elaborate, but it will be for many of my sins, for the very sin of my flaws and issues, of whatever is in my personality plus something of being a writer that is not good.  For a writer does write and write, and this blog has been one including my life journey, my spiritual climb, for better or worse.

I tend to figure that those who read my blog are hermits or Catholic hermits, or Catholics, but this is not the first time that others who know me have looked online to find my blog, or put it together what a title would be, or the couple or so who have asked me way back when I was writing, and I gave my blog site, of which I stopped doing long ago because I figure God has people read who stumble upon it or per their vocations.  And amazingly, a bulk of readers are from other countries and strangers, who evidently find something of helpfulness in my writing, eve if it is to see my flawed self and determine to not repeat my errors.  

There are risks in writing even anonymously of our lives, situations, and journeys.  This is true for writers of autobiographies and even fiction, of whom persons who know the author will find themselves in the characters and situations, of which there can most definitely be hurt feelings, and a disagreeing with what is written. 

But this current episode has turned out at least for now, to be for the worse in that I hurt someone deeply.  I caused pain and killed trust.  (Yet again; I've hurt others before but somehow keep writing and expressing and hurting again in different examples or scenarios).  And it is true that I try to view all through the Scripture or how God is leading me, or today am considering very much the severity of my judgment not just now or while alive, but at death.

I'm pondering the major judgment in which there will be even more shown me of what I'd done that has hurt people deeply and thus also causes me to not progress as God would desire.  While I don't know why anyone would want to read my blog, and I strive to keep it anonymous, and using examples from one's life is common enough in writing, it still can be hurtful.  Plus, I consider if working my way through this situation through writing, even if anonymously, actually has helped anyone else with situations in which they are dealing, working through.

But this today, this ought help others.  For it is that of when we must face ourselves with our terrible sins, and that of having a long-time friend feel such betrayal of trust, plus my added analyses, is quite horrible on my part.  It took tremendous courage for the person to let me know what it is, or how it is, that the upset has been--not in my unasked for opinions but that I would criticize, come off very much in judging, but also write my thoughts in a visible format.  Even if I keep to anonymity, obviously someone stumbled upon my blog, of I suppose not too hard to find if into Catholic hermit life, as there are those closest to me who know I am Catholic and a hermit, plus write a blog.

I see all the more my sin, my flaws, as this is not the first time I've hurt others by my writing.  Yes, I ask the Lord forgiveness; I am very sorry for my hurting and my openness of what I write of what I think which are not at all gospel, of course.  Just my half-baked observations, but more so how aspects affect me, in my working through.  While I suspect my friend can forgive me, trust is broken, and that is not necessarily restored or can be.  Especially in various circumstances, it is all the harder to be restored and maybe unable to be.

This is part of the consequence of wrong-doing, or of hurting others.  It probably is not even the content that hurts but the sense of betrayal, that is real enough.  And some consequences I think the Lord probably deems should stand.  I think that probably my penance, and I admitted to God, to the person I love, my long-time friend, and to myself that I accept my consequence and the reality also of a most severe judgment at my earthly death.

I know even a bit ago when I made a heartfelt confession to the Lord of seeing how hurtful I've been, and also that my writing extends into areas that do affect the spiritual journey, but still cause pain and can be of course quite wrong, and definitely from others' perspectives which are valid.  Writers do write from a perspective, a human one, in sifting through, in traversing life from an imperfect and in my case, loaded with various vices yet and imprudence being one.  Pride, too, I figure is part of opinions, or the audacity to write of feelings and viewpoints.  My analyzing is a bane, a vice in itself.

I know already, even as I was confessing to the Lord this Sunday morning, that the Lord forgives me.  He always does forgive His poor gray mouse.  I'd be better off had the Lord years ago shown me His poor filthy rat, for rats are intelligent, at least, and would be more careful, use their intelligence, learn and not repeat sinful flaws.  I suppose it is an added penance being Sunday, as well and two days from the earthly birthday of the friend's late father.  I ask his forgiveness, as well, and already have that of her mother.  I've been asking their intercessions all along, regardless.  

However, the consequences stand, and I merit them; I deserve the loss of trust.  Plus although the Lord forgives and loves yet, He wants something other of me.  He has shown me how off-path I've become.  I considered it last night, yet again, after reading more portions of some spiritual writing, and had put the other situation that I was working through in my mind and through writing to rest.  I had let go of it.   But this aspect of my sinfulness and of my judgment of and from Jesus remains before me, is part of this journey, and I must accept and face once again, that my writing and working through the journey of every day life by examples which can hurt people and not provide any good for them at most or at least, is up for grabs as far as purpose or point.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.  And oddly, I was not surprised.  I'm a repeat offender of my writing causing pain of which I will reap consequences and accept whatever judgments, for all I can do now is continue forth.  And oddly, there is a peace within and a calm.  I suppose that is in one way a gift from God for my asking forgiveness and fully accepting all consequences for my writing as I did, and the hurt I caused.  But I also wonder if somehow I have become inured by so much pain, myself, that I do not have a true compass in wise discretion?  Or, it could be that I need a turning point of letting go, to alter my writing; and also to let go of what concerns I have and not have to work through them over time, and to silence my too-many thoughts.

Or perhaps the calm is of a surrender and acceptance out of such weariness, and a willingness to be judged by God be it ever so severely, and then be on my way forward in purgation which can be so extremely painful and seemingly long, all the more due to seeing heaven in the distance, yet also knowing from admitting to my sins, that had I been otherwise, chosen otherwise, I could have progressed in eternity with less need of purgation. 

As for hell, there may be some sins I've committed in life of which I am yet unaware but will be shown me, and I pray for  the grace to recognize them when Jesus shows me, and to admit, accept, and beg forgiveness for all those, too.  But for now, I must go and sin no more.  Try, anyway.  And accepting whatever consequences which I am doing and fully accept my wrong doing, my sin and knowing I deeply hurt and damaged trust for whatever time left on earth, is my just punishment.

Also oddly, I had a dream this morning when I fell back asleep early morning.  The man whom I've not met in person, but who has developed the course on dreamwork as it relates to spiritual direction was in the dream.  He had come to see me; but there kept being interruptions from family visiting, and then interruption even with that adult child who unexpectedly came in the dream.  And even a dog was there, needing to be fed--one that had been a pet for ten years before being hit by a car.  I had not tended that pet that well in life.  

Regardless, the man who came to visit first--our discussion and point of his coming was interrupted by the other unexpected visitors including the dog amazingly alive.  The man had come to discuss my focus.  It all fits.  I'd gone way off course in ways that even if some reader on the other side of the world found helpful in some way related to their own life situations, is yet not what I need to be writing about.  I will analyze this dream; it is a first clear dream that I remember in a long time that has overtures I need to see about myself.  

Exploring myself and learning to see myself as God sees, is where I need to remain, even if what I see of myself includes interactions.  A positive aspect for a hermit in learning his or her own sins and to progress to the vocational calling, to succeed in His will for His hermits, is that of stricter separation and being in silence of solitude and hidden from the eyes of others.  I have been remiss in this aspect, also.  Father forgive me for I am the one who does not know what I am doing.

If nothing else out of all this that I once more face and must learn, is my sinful nature and to let go of that which is not for me to write about, nor even to think about.  Cumbrous, temporal aspects of lives, especially others, that should not be of my concern other than to pray for God's will and providence and love for all people.  Plain and simple, that is.  And if I need to work through whatever, I must learn to let go of that working through; that is God's domain. It is not necessary for me to go into situations or others's lives. 

Mercy, Lord!  I do lack discretion and the devotion of which is to be of a consecrated Catholic hermit:  Devote my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world through stricter separation from the world, and in assiduous prayer and penance.  I am to manifest to everyone the interior aspects of the mystery of Christ's Church--that is, a personal intimacy with Christ.  I have not at all done that, definitely not especially with the long time friend and if whoever else, if someone other pointed out my--of course--unintentional hurtfulness.  

(That is also a problem of mine--I do not intend what should be obvious to not delve into, analyze others, or so it seems, unless perhaps part of discernment of spirits; but that would not need my writing details of such personal nature.  There is a gift of writing that includes expressing examples even with details, but in a way that many of us can see ourselves in whatever is the point, or utilize it positively in our lives, experiences, and relationships for positive growth.  I need that gift to write in that way, not as I have.  

(Stricter separation from the world is a good that God provides for a hermit to better focus; mea culpa on that point, as well.  Forgive me, Lord, and readers, also.  If anything good of my sins, I'm thankful to be told and now the effort of trying yet again to correct course.)

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love God above all things and others as God loves!  I dare write these words for they are truth even if I err repeatedly.

[I am praying about removing the posts in which I offend and have deeply hurt another.  If someone other had pointed out my blog writing to the one I hurt, I then implicated that person in being a party to my hurtfulness, adding to the hurt by notifying the one offended.  All sins have ripple effects in consequences.  For now, though, it seems best since I kept anonymous my writings, to expose my wrongs, to not sheepishly think I can blot out my sins.  Only God can do that, no matter what sins.  It is also part of the lot of being a writer, to live with what is written, and to face the temporal reviewers whose just right is to critique what is written.  That is fair, and it is very good in my situation to see what posts are helpful and good, and those that are not.  As is said, I have made my bed and must sleep in it, at least for now.  The loved one I hurt knows my blog site, now, and that helps as a reminder for me to alter the course and content of my writing.  And, more importantly, I must rid my tendency to get wrought up over situations and analyze to the extent I hurtfully did.  It is as bad or worse if I do it in mind and leave it there.  I can thank God for this lesson; that is a good from it.]

Catholic Hermit: Forgiveness, Penance

Oh, my.  A couple hours of heart-felt, deep writing on aspects in life, in our hearts, minds, and souls that lead into forgiveness--all completed, prayerfully, beautifully of the Lord--and lost with an internet fail!  Well, in the interim an amazing conversation with the wife of a neighbor man--couple I met several days ago happen chance while walking--got my truck battery jumped and charging.

The wife and I conversed as she has so much she is dealing with, helping a family member in another state who is going through terrible suffering of heart, mind, and soul.  Rejection upon rejections!  I will pray and see if tomorrow I will begin afresh, writing about the crucial aspect of forgiveness and of forgiving others.  I had been inspired, also, by the selections below....

[Next day:  I'm not right now in the mode of writing--of trying to recall or be in the inspirational space of which I was two days ago when I wrote on forgiveness and all was lost in an internet storm fail.  However, I have considered the pith of what thoughts came to me and I wrote; and that is the crucial necessity of forgiving others and ourselves, as forgiveness allows love to flow freely and once more after we or others have unintentionally (usually) or intentionally slighted, hurt, or done wrong.

[It actually is God who forgives, who allows the forgiveness in us for others and who allows forgiveness of ourselves.  Praying for the grace to be forgiving human beings ought be a "given" aspect and practice for Christians.  Even though hermits live in the silence of solitude, in stricter separation from the world, there is much done in wrongful thoughts and actions--sins always readily and easily available and done.

[And it is also very needful for a hermit to be forgiven by others even if we are not around others often or much; there is plenty in our pasts when living more amidst others and in the world, for which people can hold upset and anger for what we have done, said, or thought that has hurt them.  As for the hermit with God, always we are in a position to offend the Lord in many ways although we do not want to; the vocation in itself can be a struggle in living our lives dedicated to the praise of God and salvation of the world, in assiduous prayer and penance, in stricter separation from the world, in the silence of solitude.

[These aspects alone are easy enough for a hermit to fall short; it is easy for us to knowingly turn from striving in our love of God, in that which would bring us closer and which would improve our prayer live to the benefit of others and to the glory of God.  I know this for I struggle with weariness and wanting what might seem less difficult in focus, or in the weariness of pain not even wanting to get up.  However, there is much I can offer His Real Presence through physical inactivity, yet the mind may be weak and choose what is less than rather than more for love of God and love of others.  Thus assiduous penance goes quite readily along with assiduous prayer, in a hermit's daily and nightly life.]


2844  "Christian prayer extends to the forgiveness of enemies, transfiguring the disciple by configuring him to his Master.  Forgiveness is a high-point of Christian prayer; only hearts attuned to God's compassion can receive the gift of prayer.  Forgiveness also bears witness that, in our world, love is stronger than sin.  The martyrs of yesterday and today bear this witness to Jesus.  Forgiveness is the fundamental condition of the reconciliation of the children of God with their Father and of men with one another."



"Remember not against us the iniquities of the past;
may your compassion quickly come to us,
for we are brought very low.

"Help us, O God our savior,
because of the glory of your name;
Delivery us and pardon our sins
for your name's sake."
     
      ~  Psalm 79:8-9

Catholic Hermit: Better Enduring

A new morning greets me, a gift from God.  Went 5 1/2 hours of sleep after difficulty falling asleep around 1:30 a.m.  I still am resisting taking the 12-hour extended release medication due to how difficult it is to procure in generic form, these days of legitimate pain sufferers being punished, in a real way, due to the sins of others who have abused and do not need the medication.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, the pharmaceutical companies and especially the drugstore corporate deny special orders for the generic form of the medication--not even that strong of one in dose--because they will make $290 instead of $75 for 60 pills by not sending the local store the generic.  The drug insurance will not pay toward it at all, in generic or trade name of medication.

Thus I've been trying to cope with less sleep and more pain, despite my doctor prescribing and having insisted I fill the script.  Doing so caused great inconvenience to the helpful and loyal family member who had to drive quite a distance to the one store that had 60 of the generic form in stock; they told her, once there, the policy was for her to wait 90 minutes before they would fill the script.  

She explained her parent had serious and extensive spinal surgery; obviously they look in the records that all of us have accessible to the various spokes of the medical wheel and could see this is but the second prescription, the low dose, the length of time between prescriptions, no abuse, legitimate medical doctor.  She was not allowed to leave the store--as could have picked up groceries or run other errand; but after an hour they relented, evidently satisfied this was not going to a street addict as I guess they tend not to stick around?  That is all we could figure for what they said was store policy.

So I suffer more with less sleep and waking up with pain out of control.  I continue to desire very much to make more of my life to be worthwhile, to be pleasing to God, to be helpful to others.  Pain can so easily suck a person in on himself.  When the pain is so high, the thoughts can be so low.  

I battle the devil each morning; each morning the Lord rules my mind, heart, and soul.  Together He and I succeed in making it through, despite the severity of pain and the obvious setback this past week.  Could it be that I am feeling the pain that previously was masked by the 12-hour extended release "dear" pill at night?  

Frankly, I wanted to stop having to take that medication not only for the hassle with the pharmacy but also because I'd like to be rid of having to take it.  I'd like to be able to progress more, somehow have the body and mind be able to manage the pain without.  Is it a combination of resentment of persecution by government and pharmaceutical companies and a resentment that my post-surgery recovery and status is not where maybe it ought to be, or I want it to be?  

Is this resentment also a form of pride in that I think I should not yet be in this much pain, or that I do not want to admit to the reality that I might be incapable of handling this pain and the debilitating effects and progress at standstill and in fact, this setback?

Whatever, I've texted four people this morning.  I'm striving in this day the Lord is giving me, to put myself out of self and into offering positive love and peace, and prayers for others.  

My body is but a temporal thing even if the amount of pain in it and the inability to get up much and move about, let alone "do" but the essentials of basic survival, dictate the bodily aspect of this new day.  And the pain also very much affects the mind and the heart/emotions, and the pain thus can affect the spirit, the attitude, in which mind and heart live out and watercolor brush-wash this day in grays or colors.

I choose colors, as much as my choice might influence, for my soul contains the will God gave me and my intellect.  I recall the hermit in the documentary on Mt. Athos saying that a hermit must control his thoughts to avoid depression.  I need to control my thoughts to simply exist and to hope in God to better endure--to endure better than just enduring, to endure better than average (of course could be less than average) existing.

In my morning Scripture reading I also read selection 2845 in The Catechism of the Catholic Church. (When I first became Catholic in 1995, it seemed to me that if The Catechism were what all governments of the world and all people utilized in its practical and profound suggestions for our interpersonal relationships and explanations of the Scriptures, the world and our lives would be peaceably more functional and indeed, lovely.)

I've currently been focusing on forgiveness in excerpts from The Catechism.  I like this statement from 2845:  

"We are always debtors:  'Owe no one anything, except to love one another.'"  

This is the key truth I wish to remember today, despite other thoughts in the selection also are truth, beauty, and goodness.

"The communion of the Holy Trinity is the source and criterion of truth in every relationship.  It is lived out in prayer, above all in the Eucharist."  For this, although I'm not brought the consecrated Host in tangible form, the Lord is asking of me great faith in spiritual communion as well as in embracing the reality that, as Pope Benedict XVI explains in an apostolic letter, the Eucharist is also received in and through the Living Word of God, the Holy Scriptures.  His Word feeds and sustains, is also our daily bread, is communion of the Holy Trinity, binding us with God and others.

In a way, I can consider this pain as a "sower of disunion" if I allow it to be a point of focus and disruption in my mind and heart/emotions.  This additional citation from section 2845 in The Catechism helps me all the more cope in this new morning the Lord has gifted me to live.  I am reminded of the good of prayers that sow peace and love.

"God does not accept the sacrifice of a sower of disunion, but commands that he depart from the altar so that he may first be reconciled with his brother.  For God can be appeased only by prayers that make peace.  To God, the better offering is peace, brotherly concord, and a people made one in the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

I can in this new morning, reconcile myself with this severe physical pain, leaving me an invalid, essentially and substantially.  I also can reconcile with the pharmaceutical companies and the laws and pressures placed upon them and the medical community due to the illicit abuse of pain medications that cause even more suffering to those of us who rely upon such medications to help ease even a small portion of severe, intractable pain for which no other treatments or medications are effective.

I can pray to make peace with my pain and all the circumstances and people involved with how it is that my body came to be in such pain.  From the drunk teen years ago to the earthly spouse whose character was not at a level of being able to remain faithful to marriage vows prior to accident and who absolutely did not have the willingness to remain through better or worse, until death do us part.  The Lord had other plans for me, His beloved and espoused, victim soul of His Sacred Heart, wed now in mystical marriage, with Him, in Him, on His cross, awaiting someday, the consummation of our loving union.

I pray to make peace; to make for God the better offering of peace, my own asking forgiveness is crucial, for I am a debtor, myself.  I'm still being reminded of sins of which I've tucked away or folded into drawers of deception.  When they are revealed, no matter how seemingly insignificant, I ask God to forgive me, directly, with sincerity of heart and with remorse.  The greater effort, though, for me, seems to be to have the tried-and-true faith which assures that God has indeed forgiven me!

In this new morning the Lord has gifted, I pray for not only brotherly concord with others, but also that I be made one in the unity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I also pray very much for those without legitimate physical pain but with obviously a type of psychological pain, a social or emotional pain that causes them to seek medications to get some sort of "high"--a sensation that no one with legitimate pain feels from the medication.  For legitimate, physical pain, the medication goes into the bodily system and is utilized by the source of constant suffering, of the area of injury and permanently altered, damaged, physical body. 

I must make peace with these people who play around with medications at parties, or who have addictive personalities, or whose lack of faith or whatever other weaknesses cause them to use medication to alter their mental realities for the "fun" of it, until soon it is not fun at all but rather a ruinous habit of drug addiction.  I must make peace with those who somehow think after their surgeries, that they should not have any pain at all and do not realize that we will still have pain.  I must make peace with those who abuse medications because of ignorance or refusal to accept bearing some suffering for the love of God and in union with Christ, and to be linked with all of us who suffer with Him the chronic crosses of mankind's temporal trials.

I am reminded in Scripture and in this particular selection from The Catechism, that there is no limit to God's forgiveness.  Yes, He forgives me.  He also forgives those for whom I pray for His forgiveness, in that I ask Him to help me forgive those mostly unknown people out there who have caused in various ways, unwittingly I'm sure, more suffering for people like me.

And I recognize that I am one who has unwittingly caused suffering for others in various ways--ways of which I'm not even aware until the Holy Spirit, my angel, or some emissary of God on earth points out to me my harmful doings, the hurts I've perpetuated without conscious intention.

In this new morning, I've become aware in memory of shortcomings as well as knowing that in this new day, I desire to put into my mind and heart that which will improve my soul more than even the thoughtful films that have broadened my thoughts.  I weary of these even though they expose and remind me of what others struggle with in their lives.  I make peace with the good of such media forms that can expand awareness and empathy, lest I succumb to that sucking in on self that pain can so adroitly create in a suffering person's mind and heart.

But what will help most?  I consider all the good for my soul that comes from a short selection of Scripture and, such as from The Catechism, a line for this morning, this day, for my living out:  

Owe no one anything, except to love one another.

This truth is a good thought, a better start and re-start to this new morning.  All that is of God is for my better enduring.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!