Thoughts on the Mystic Portal (from March 31, 2011)

 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thoughts on The Mystic Portal

I am living the temporal humanity of Christ.
I bear His temporal pain and breathe His soul's suffering.
Yet only when the human is subsumed in His mystical Divinity
is there one Joy, one Love, the one Reality: God-Man.

Only then do the two worlds, temporal and mystical, 
become one reality, the Divine Reality.
The temporal is a shadow of the full humanity of Christ   
if without union in the mystical reality of His Divinity.

The temporal Catholic world is a holding cell 
for passage through the mystic portal, 
to become the full humanity of Christ in His Divinity, 
to be fully one in the One in the one true reality.

(I hope I am stating it meaningfully, accurately; 
words are incompetent secretaries to insights.)

It is something like this, and I must get through 
the mystic portal with His physical and soul suffering,
in order to be in the true reality: one reality of oneness in God.

Do you see that the Sacraments, all of them, 
but most frequently Eucharist in Mass 
and Reconciliation in Confession,  
are portal passage points 
for the temporal to enter into the mystical, 
and that without the One in reality of the mystical,
in these sacraments, there would be false reality? 

Jesus in His full humanity 
is the Divine ever-flowing into within the temporal.  
He is not the temporal occasionally touching the mystical.
 
When we pain-bearing soul-suffering humans pass 
through the mystic portal to be subsumed in His Divinity, 
we awash the temporal in and by His living waters.  
We then may fully live His humanity mystically Divine 
as we are become one with the One Reality.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives strength to the weary,
And to the one who lacks might He increases power.
30 Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
31 Yet those who [d]wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will [e]mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Words, His Mystical Church, Bread, Love as God Loves

On occasion I read some blogs of others striving in this hermit vocation.  My main take away is that there are many words, exhausting, and many words laborious to grapple with, plod through.  So much so are the words, that the content loses meaning, the effect is, again, exhausting and empty, devoid of other than multiplicity of words.

I consider this reality and effect per my own blog and writings.  Mine fare often the same, especially when the realities of the temporal church and those ensconced in the temporal, have flared briefly and then sizzled; the effect, also, exhausting and empty, devoid other than words--and painful the loss of the ideal of Christ and His Church.

Recently I found comfort in an early saint, mystic, and I believe Doctor of the Church (these labels that have been created and affixed in later centuries by humankind), for he struggled with the ways in which the Church, by the mid-to-late second century and early third century, in his estimation with cited reasons--the temporal Church had already begun to lose Her way.  Well, the people, the body within the Church, the humankind leaders of the body, had done so--not Christ nor His Ideal of His Church.

Christ and the Ideal of His Church, with Christ as Head and all those who love and believe and follow Christ, who uphold His Word and strive to love as God Loves--the greatest command according to Jesus--Christ and the Ideal of His Church can remain intact today.  Yet one must recognize what is His Church, the ideal of His Church, and this is His Mystical Church--for means of delineating that of the temporal Church which has lost the way in various ways, off the narrow path and too much created by humankind over the centuries.

What His Mystical Church is and means in such as this Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit's every-day life, is that of progressive learning and understanding.  I must wait and be strong in order to learn and understand; and faith is required, plus picking up the cues and messages from His Living Word, such as a couple weeks ago noticing a profound description of His Mystical Church given by John the Apostle, in his Revelations.  He was shown and pointed out the lack of temporal building for His [Mystical] Church, for the temple is God Himself!

Oh, my, the suffering of this body here, this temporal, physical body. And the emotional and mental suffering that accompany severe physical suffering, continues on and on as if world without end.  But of course, there will be an end to my bodily and emotional and mental suffering.  I can find the strength and patience to wait by continuing the open awareness to learning about and experiencing here and now, His Mystical Church.

Today in the Gospel, Jesus explains how we are to pray, about the bread of life, and of our being fed the bread, His Body, and of course many of us recognize that Jesus speaks metaphorically and on varying levels in His Living Word.  I appreciated reading the thoughts on the topic, shared below by early 3rd century Cyprian, saint, Bishop of Carthage, and martyr.  God Bless His Real Presence in us, and Love in His Love!

"Our daily bread"

“Give us this day our daily bread.” This can be understood both spiritually and materially, because either understanding is of profit in divine usefulness for salvation. For Christ is the bread of life and the bread here is not for all, but is ours. And as we say “Our Father” because he is the Father of those who understand and believe, so too we say “our bread” because Christ is the bread of those of us who attain to his body. Moreover, we ask that this bread be given daily, lest (...) by the intervention of some grievous sin (...) we be separated from the body of Christ, as he himself declares, saying: “I am the bread of life which came down from heaven. If anyone eats of my bread he shall live forever. Moreover, the bread that I shall give is my flesh for the life of the world” (Jn 6:51) (...) The Lord himself warns us, saying: “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink His blood, you shall not have life in you” (Jn 6:53). And so we petition that our bread, that is Christ, be given us daily, so that we, who abide and live in Christ, may not withdraw from His sanctification and body. But it can also be understood that we who have renounced the world and have cast aside its wealth and pomp in the faith given by spiritual grace seek only food and sustenance for ourselves (...). Moreover, those who have begun to be disciples of Christ according to their Master's words, renouncing all things, should ask for bread daily and not put off their petition and its desires, as the Lord himself again prescribes in these words: “Be not anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will have anxieties of its own. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Mt 6:34). Worthily then does the disciple of Christ ask for sustenance for the day, since he is forbidden to worry about the morrow.

Catholic Hermit: What Are We Doing in This Life?

 And mostly, for myself, "What am I doing in this life, currently, now?"

I had purchased a piece of art from an artist friend in another state, insisting on paying him what it would be in a gallery despite he and his wife wanting to grossly discount it due to friendship over the years.  No, I believe in justice and fair price and encouragement, appreciation, for the talent he has and focused on artwork involving Scriptures and Christ, Holy Spirit, God the Father.  

I wanted the piece of art because it signifies myself seeking God, the Beloved Lover as is depicted in Song of Songs.  That is the theme of the artwork, specifically called "Song of Songs:  Prologue." I wanted to change my identity from pain to love, for the outer world of the handful of people, or now less than handful who keep in contact.  They do not grasp pain as identity being inextricably melded with love, as love.  Love to suffer, and suffer to love!--said St. Michael the Archangel to me one night in chapel back in summer of 2004.

So I was going to gaze upon the piece of art with the seeker of God gazing upon a mystically rendered face of Christ, His hand prominent between then reaching toward her, touching and with flower against her neck, proffered, His love represented. An arc of white which the artist intended to be the Holy Spirit, is above their heads; but mostly what I saw was the arc of Christ Light, as if from his head to hers, with then later noticing that a widening occurs at top as if to be the emanation point of the white Light of energy and source of all beingness and love.  God's source of power and might in white Light, Christ Light, emanating and touching as electrical current would arc from power source to contact.

But the day the woodcut print, tinted in part, arrived, I was into a pain siege, barely able to get up to answer door with Alec the Polish postman, so kind and holy, handing me the flat parcel.  A few hours later I was able to get up and use the box cutter to carefully open the cardboard package.  I had wanted to substitute that image of my love for God and His love for me, to lead in my identity transformation from pain to love--instead of the image of crucifix with Christ's pained body hanging from cross. 

However, also in the package the artist friend had included a print of Crucifixion, a black and white woodcut rendering, beautiful in detail, quite small but stark and meaningful.

The message seems that there is no separating or changing my identity from pain to love.  My identity remains pain in the temporal world, to temporal others.  As for myself, there is no escaping this physical pain that is nearly all-consuming now. For eight weeks or more, I've had this strange, spatial disorientation going on The pain doctor reduced, twice, the pain medication's release and flow from the intrathecal pump into my spinal dural space via implanted catheter.  It seemed to reduce the severity of disorientation and difficulty focusing the mind; but now there is increased pain to a point that I've been bedridden again, other than up in a daze for bathroom and such as watered the other night, the plants in a few pots outside. 

But then the molar with the crown in upper left side became horrifically irritated, unexpectedly and with little provocation--just having finally energy to try driving 1.4 miles to get carry out of slaw, beans, and pulled pork.  Back in bed to sup on first meal in several days due to too much pain to eat much, and there goes the molar into praxism of pain.

Finally it is Monday, and I've called the dentist, with but a recording they are helping other patients and to leave message and number for a call back. It's been over three hours, and same message, no call back.  Must be on vacation?  I've endured barely these past 40 hours, but crushing and keeping an oral pain med to that molar has helped, plus crushing and holding an Excedrin to it, also, helps. Salt water rinsing maybe did a little, but not using the mouth at all for 24 hours and then trying a little food on right side of mouth only, allowed for a little nourishment other than a protein drink that causes nausea connected with eating issues remaining from last autumn's pain pump surgery.  The Arachnoiditis was aggravated, causing gastroparesis, and that has remained even if the body and mind are adapting to not much intake and only certain foods if and when.....

The Lord seems to be emphasizing this week, that my pain identity is to remain. The love identity was a ruse to be tried on the handful who keep in contact. But even with strangers, such as the ophthalmologist's asst. who checked the eye pressures--he pointed out to me kindly that my pants were undone.  Perhaps I had not noticed?  So I patiently explained that they are undone because there is an implanted metal pump, and I pointed out the bulge and why I also wear suspenders so as to hold up the pants since the waist cannot be fastened shut nor fly zipped but part way, if that. Long shirts tucked in keep decency intact, but the look, I admit, is not the norm.  In fact, standing in front of the chair or walking around the waiting room where I've been told to "take a seat", is not the norm.  people notice and stare, and wonder not only at the person sanding and no "taking a seat," but wearing suspenders and pants not closed up properly. I barely notice how I am constantly explaining to people why this and that, such as to the person who takes me to the eye exam room and says to "take a seat" and wait for the doctor.  Well, too much pain to just sit on those padded seats the temporal world ends to have for the comfort of most people's usually already amply-padded bottoms.  So when I'm told again to "take a seat," I explain that with the severe back pain, and having "sat" to drive there the 8 miles or less but sitting with traffic taken in account, and the fact I'd need to sit to return home--I need to stand whenever there is wait time.

So even in the minor details of the rare times out of the Solus Deus domicile, pain is my identity even if wordlessly taking the body into Home Depot to get a saw blade, for the body inadvertently carries itself in a constantly braced and angled position to tolerate as best as possible, the pain.

So when I was just starting to make some progress after being down and out for  few days, memory blackouts included from too much pain, and much dozing from pain fatigue (yet not much  if any satisfying type sleep due to pain effects), and I'd made it back with the carry out and into bed to recline to eat--that tooth flared in praxisms of pain s never pained prior--nor any tooth for that matter.

No, my identity is to remain pain. There is no escaping it for myself, and no fooling others or not for long.  Someone I'd not heard from in months and months happened to call.  Immediately--and this before the tooth agony but when I thought I was going to be able to get up that day--the person said upon hearing my voice, "You don't sound well at all!  Is your pain bad today?"  And I'd done my best to modulate the voice and sound "normal."

There is no normalcy in this body nor in this life I live, if this is living or more a living death.

So what am I doing in this life?

I'm suffering. And I'm also yet seeking, seeking, seeking God, My Beloved Lover.  I'm seeking in pain, loving in pain, living in pain until my Beloved returns for me and takes me with Him.

In the meantime, I want to do more for God since I cannot do much for people on His behalf, not much temporally, and to talk with me is a reminder to them of my identity of pain, and to many people that identity is distasteful and "old", a broken record repeating over and over the suffering of the day or hour or moment, for they usually always ask or hear it or see it in and on me.

I consider it a great coup when someone calls, a rare event indeed, and I can keep them from inquiring, and can have the voice seem very fine and strong and peppery with questions of their lives and goings on, their doings and feelings

So I plan to return to writing on this blog.  On rare occasion I've noticed that the sick nemesis continues with negativity and misrepresenting my writing, but that will just have to be that person's choice and expression of character.  I doubt I'll ever touch upon a topic that particularly draws out the devil in that one, as my hermit life is nothing needing discussion and likely never did.  My life in Christ, melded in His pain and love, are more perhaps what might be of help to others even if their suffering is not constant nor mostly physical. But the physical pain morphs into emotional suffering, for all aspects of relationships are impacted by suffering of one with others who have or do or will suffer, but not in pervasive and praxismatic pain.  (That word--praxism--popped in the other day with uncanny meaning and satisfying descriptive attribute, like idyllic ice cream on hot day.)

Been listening to Fr. George the Joyous in India, celebrate Mass on occasion.  He "has it"--has the joy of the Holy Spirit in genuine and innate spirituality of the Trinity.  Fr. George the Joyous is not on often, but I can listen to the voice preaching of God and His Living Word, via Youtube, even if heard same prior.  The mind is so pervaded with and through and in pain, that content is not usually recalled, anyway.

The through and with and in pain of listening or seeing or being up in the house, or dozing--or as this afternoon must take he pain to a place where a clinician will hopefully go at the neck with deep tissue work--that is the Trinity Being Pain and Love is the other dimension of Pain.  It's not that people want to hear me talk about love any more than pain, but while pain gets old for them--and they don't begin to consider how old it gets for me--love would be awkward for them, for love is God, and many do not want talk of God any more than pain, either, or, and both.

I'm not sure what I'll write about. Hopefully it will be of God Is Love and God Is Pain, for God is All.  But hopefully in ways that are helpful to readers of this blog, or helpful to the one writing, and ways glorifying to God despite the imperfections of the one writing, and the utter humanness of this increasingly broken body and disruptive nerve endings progressing with the Adhesive Arachnoiditis--strange and uncommon ailment as it is.

Now to get up and dress, likely in the linen-cotton overalls.  Got two for very little cost on Amazon.  Praise God; they accommodate the pump hump.  Will give the one a try and not too late to return the other.  Problem is, too tired to expend added energy driving them to drop off place for Amazon returns. Whatever, try to do all for God and sprinkle the joy when open to the Holy Spirit's endless amounts of joyousness.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Christian Mystic Hermit: More Thoughts on Three Elements of Religion in Reality

 

The sufferings of this life become steep and stiff.

The yearning for Jesus continues, and so it goes.  Lent gets long.

I listened a bit more to Bernard in another lecture.  He has a slightly broadened view in some aspects, yet regarding the mystical element, he considers it in more a narrow view that surprised me.  I realize that to study something is to kind of be looking from the outside in rather than being what one studies.  

A simplistic metaphor I wrote to him is the institution and intellectual and mystical elements and a stove with oven, installation and instruction manuals and cookbooks, but without the source of gas or heat, there is no amazing outcome, no mysterious outcome that is helpful or nourishing.  We take the source, the mystical element for granted.  I suppose in some ways, God is the source, the Holy Spirit the fire, Jesus also the Love.

Love to suffer, and suffer to Love.  My sufferings are inextricably linked to the sufferings of Holy Mother Church.  That is my connection and I suppose place or purpose in the Church. Suffering is mystical, also.  Suffering is part of the mystical element, but the Trinity is the Source of the Mystical and is in my more broadened view is the Mystical Element.  God's Love Is.

Dr. McGinn is an amazing and profound intellect which is a major contribution and is his place, and he's done much in studying western Christian mysticism and in writing the volumes following and describing mysticism.  I think it will be very difficult for the Church as institution and intellect, those parts, to give more berth (and even birth) to more of the Mystical Element and the mystical element, both.  But God will handle it.  And in our own little ways, such as our love of Christ and the suffering that links us, we can let go more the institutional and the intellectual.  Balance the three elements of religion or also allow more of the mystical element to be given more berth in our minds, hearts, and souls.

The prayers even if lots of words put together, talk about loving God.  The hymns are similar expressions.  It's desire for God and desire for His love, and desire to try to love God with our inabilities to seem to love that much.  It is painful.

I know that when he answered someone's question regarding mental illness vs. mysticism or mystics, the answer gave away that it was someone looking from outside in, who had not the mystical element, at least not pronounced--within, but more the intellectual. However, that is that person's purpose and mission, and what a major and excellent and helpful purpose and mission!  I am enthralled by his mind and discipline both!  And, he has great compassion and understanding.

Even those with pronounced mysticism from birth onward at times wonder about their states of mind. After all, we are dealing with the numinous and as if in more touch with the other than this world.  We do not belong to this world; that is a major suffering in itself, for there is little understanding.

I was so excited about the mystical element of religion and how it seemed to be a puzzle piece for which I'd been seeking a long time--and explains to me so well why the institutional and intellectual element does not understand nor accept me.  God gave me Fr. F., my spiritual da for 24 years--our paths crossing and of all places in my hometown where I'd returned after 17 years away and he'd come there just the year after I did!  Four years later we met, and he understood and somehow never doubted me, although he said what I do not like to hear:  that I am very different, that he'd never met anyone like me.

But when Bernard mentioned in his answer segment of a lecture, that Teresa of Avila had her "problems" as the question was of mystics with mental illness, and that they were troubling but eventually they got worked out--well, I was upset by that.  I suppose I was upset because I realized then that he was not one of us on the interior, that is, despite great knowledge and a life of studying mystics and mysticism.

For a mystic who gets to know Teresa of Avila through her letters and writings and autobiography and those who knew her personally and left information--we mystics would not think at all that she was troubled with mental problems even for awhile, other than the sufferings that mark mystics and are our lot in life--sufferings of which the worst are the yearning for the Lord and also of not being accepted and understood, of recognizing that there are not many of us around, and it is going to be a lonely and misunderstood journey.

Bernard suggested in effect that the actual ones always leave something for the Church. So we are back to the intellectual and the institutional aspect, and that meant left writings or active works that benefitted, such as Teresa reformed the Carmelites plus had wondrous writings, and so on with others who stand out and are canonized or would be except for such as Meister Eckhart--was misunderstood in a way that was going to mark him as perhaps too controversial. But he left great writings and so forth and was a Dominican and indeed had a place in the institutional and the intellectual elements of the Church, plus he was known as a mystic.

But others of us--and I'm recognizing this as part of what I'm to suffer and do suffer and will--have in effect no place in the institution and thus not also in the intellectual elements for we are unknowns, and our writings such as mind are personal and am not a religious order nor clergy nor able to be active in parishes, either.  Nor am I acceptable to parishes, and I grasp why now--the predominance of my purpose and mission is the mystical element.  

And with the mystical element considering Christ as Mystical Element--is the suffering that binds us to the Church even if the institution and the intellectual elements do not want us nor understand us. And for us it is even worse, those who try to discount our existences further with judgments of being "off" or having some type of mental illness.  Well, the stresses of what a mystic bears within and the suffering some of us bear physically as well--it can seem to take us to the brink of sanity.

And how we perceive the world in which we are plopped, and especially the frustration with the Church's institutional and intellectual weightedness, and even such as the mystical ecstasies the Lord gave for any and every mass--instead of a a sign, the people could not cope nor understand, and priests could not either--and the institutional and intellectual elements took over and shoved out the mystical.  The protocol is to not talk about such things, to not give credence, to not share or educate others, to not accept.  

I myself have been harsh with a handful of people who have contacted me over the years, or gravitated to me, wanting to connect as they felt they were mystics.  And at times it seemed to me, once I got into some interchange with them or if in person observed, there are some signals that help discern if the person is grounded. But I realize it is treacherous ground, that, and I am sorry for cutting short some interchanges, but really, I needed to be more in person to ascertain, and above and beyond that, what difference what I think or thought?  But someone in each, there was not a groundedness, not the effect of a balance of intellectual and also the institutional.

I would be at that parish for mass and be a member if I could, and in a heartbeat.  But I do not belong there nor am understood nor accepted, and likely I've been deemed as Bernard mentioned of his assessments of even Teresa of Avila, to have mental difficulties that she was able to overcome!  Yes, there he lost me in that I knew it was an outside in intellectual assessment, and the situation of mystics always leaving something for the Church, for the institution and intellectual elements--well, the problem with that is that there are many mystics of which we will never know.  For as the Lord was reminding me this morning, some are building up the mystical element and the gift to the church is being one with Holy Mother Church by their suffering.  And that their work is to learn to love to suffer and to suffer to love.

And a great portion of that suffering is inflicted by the very Church and its institutional and intellectual persons and such, who even can intellectualize about mysticism and mystics, and see that they should be not mistreated, and think that somehow people can become mystics--but not if the mystical element remains as it is, squelched for most part except after the fact of some more visible mystic who does great actions that benefit the Church in visible ways.  And people must let go of so much weight of the institutional and intellectual elements and open to the mystical element which means the Mystical Element.

However, Dr. Bernard McGinn and other scholars with great hearts and souls are making headway in discussing these matters and sharing more about the mystics, mysticism, and I pray even more about the mystical element as the Mystical Element.  

Yes, it was painful last night when my exuberance was met by the elder friend with that I was wearing out my brilliant mind by thinking!  I had been emailing the wondrous insights that had broken through as this missing puzzle piece that explains why I am not likely ever to fit in, and that my purpose is more hidden in suffering, my sufferings declared by God early on to be made one with the sufferings of Holy Mother Church--and that means even more suffering of the mystical element type and within, and the suffering of much rejection and misjudgment.

And it is rather painful to know and to have been told from on high, that one does not belong to that world--that world of temporal existence with all its good along with the bad. Yet, the Lord brings people into my life who enjoy me--such as Craig who is my go-to mentor and inspiration and instructor on matters construction.  I called, and he happened to answer out of all the ones working there at the building supply company, and his voice is so upbeat and happy to hear from me, and he instructed right away on the depth of the header beam I will need to have for the 12' stretch of windows that will be in the kitchen.

I am setting forth the little remodeling here (nothing compared to before yet harder and slower due to my pain and body being worse) as doing it for the Holy Family. This place is to be done as well as humanly possible for it is being fixed up for the Holy Family (and whomever they choose to live in it after I am gone from this place).  Craig has found nothing but delight and fun in me, even when I've been down with suffering; he has a spirit within that is close with the Mystical Element.  Same with several other encounters here, such as Randy and such a fun time with Heather in doors and windows, but the physical therapist is lovely but grew very frustrated with me, and I don't blame her for I grasp from her standpoint.

But mercy, if Bernard considered that Teresa of Avila struggled with some mental illness or problems like that--he did not grasp the inner workings in actuality of the mystical element as well as how the Mystical Element operates within such persons who have more pronounced mission and purpose, who are born with that spark, if you will, in more percent than perhaps others. Or, at least the Lord allows circumstances to get souls back to the mystical element and the Godhead as Mystical Element.  I do think we all are called to be seeking and noticing and building up the mystical element of religion and detaching from so much of the institutional and intellectual elements--and the latter does not mean to go stupid and deny our minds from learning. But it is a different type of learning--that which will help us survive the temporal but yet enhances our building up of the mystical element, and of seeking and finding and reverencing the Mystical Element in all of this earthly existence.  We are to enliven the sparks that are sputtering, and to cause ours to inflame, and that by more Jesus, more Holy Spirit, more God the Father--more Mystical Element.  And not by outer efforts or seeming goofy or wanting or thinking about some little phenomenon or feeling.

The mystical element of religion is not much at all about mystical phenomenon.  Those are the quickly-gone little tidbits from when a spark sparks.

Well, I think the other person I emailed kind of gets it. I know if my spiritual da were here on earth, he'd be so excited along with me!  He always loved and welcomed when I'd rush to see him or write a long letter with some big puzzle piece found, and he'd consider it and smile and then a grin, and say, "This is so!  This is truth!"

I will say that it seems that is why I'm running into new age Catholics--those who get caught up in new age even in parishes, and even such as the late Thomas Keating and Basil Pennington and the like, who developed techniques (based on some Buddhist techniques) to try to enhance feeling and spiritual experience through repetitions meant to empty the mind.  They wanted the mystical element; it is just that they turned to more new age techniques to try to achieve feelings and phenomenon or mystical experience.  Somehow, it just does not work that way, even if that seems a door opening for it.

I'll pray on what might help more, but it seems that love is the main key. Love of the Mystical Element--or also known as His Real Presence, and that really is the Three in One, the Holy Trinity.  And to recognize that His Real Presence is in His Living Word, and He is in the consecrated Host, but also in the spiritual communions many of us receive now due to COVID restrictions for gathering.  And Covid might be God's way of trying to bring about a better balancing of the three elements of religion. Or people will continue to drop away or within the Church bring in new age techniques and ideologies, for they are seeking without realizing it--the lacking of mystical element, and the over weightedness of institution and intellect.

I do want to apologize for the couple of people who had asked to email and wanted my take on their mysticism or wanted to be mystic friends, and I was harsh, and some aspects seemed unsettling, or something. And then there was the young man who wanted to email as he was thinking of the hermit vocation. And I discovered he is quite young and fairly new to Catholicism, and I am sure I was blunt and harsh. Plus I got on a tangent about CL603 and the emphasis on that by some who are only building up more institutional element by doing so, and also intellectual tossed in.  My basic message, though, was to wait until he's 50 years old, another 25 years perhaps.

God bless the Mystical Element, His Real Presence, in us, accessible by clearing away that which hinders, but found in love and suffering.  The mystical phenomenon--that is not the Mystical Element nor the mystical element but just the quickly gone and often not seen tidbits flying off from the sparks.  That's not mysticism nor do such things mean one is a mystic.  It is the Love and the suffering, the Love....

Catholic, Christian, Trying to Be Joyful Hermit: What St. John of the Cross Says About Praying

I find this following excerpt most fascinating, what John of the Cross wrote regarding praying. I notice he does not advocate becoming attached to the various devotions and ceremonies and modes of prayers other than what Christ Himself taught us, and also how He prayed.

"Regarding other ceremonies in vocal prayers and other devotions, one should not become attached to any ceremonies or modes of prayer other than those Christ taught us.  When His disciples asked Him to teach them to pray [Lk 11:1], Christ obviously, as one Who knew so well His Father's will, would have told them all that was necessary in order to obtain an answer from the Eternal Father; and in fact, He only taught them those seven petitions of the Our Father, which include all our spiritual and temporal necessities, and He did not teach numerous other kinds of prayers and ceremonies.  At another time, rather, He told them that in praying they should not desire much speaking because our heavenly Father clearly knows our needs. 

"He only charged us with great insistence to persevere in prayer--that is, in the Our Father--teaching in another place that one should pray and never cease [Lk. 18-1].  He did not teach us a quantity of petitions but that these seven be repeated often and with fervor and care.  For in these as I say. are embodied everything that is God's will and all that is fitting for us. Accordingly, when His Majesty had recourse three times to the Eternal Father, all three times He prayed with the same petition of the Our Father, as the evangelists recount:  'Father if it cannot be but that I drink this chalice, may your will be done.' [Mt. 26-42]

"And He taught us only two ceremonies for use in our prayers.  Our prayer should be made either in the concealment of our secret chamber [Mt 6:6] where without noise and without telling anyone we can pray with a more perfect and pure heart (...).  Or, if not in one's chamber, in the solitary wilderness, and at the best and most quiet time of the night, as He did. [Lk. 6:12]"

-- Saint John of the Cross (1542-1591), The Ascent of Mount Carmel Bk. III, ch 44 (trans. Kieran Kavanaugh and Ottilio Rodriguez)

I see no repetitive novenas does the saint mention, nor as he puts it, no ceremonies of praying, or as I notice, no chaplets and so forth, nor repetition of lengthy prayers written to this or that saint.  This is a back-to-basics of Jesus' prayer and praying, and how Jesus taught us.  I'd do well to jot down the seven petitions within the Lord's Prayer (the Our Father as it is also called).  

In my great physical pain fatigue and my exhaustion from the over-weighted and imbalance of the institution and intellectual elements of religion [see previous blogs], this from John of the Cross popped up yesterday as the excerpt given that comes with the daily Mass readings from an online site that makes it simple for me.  I need simple and basic, and Jesus and more Jesus, and the mystical element to thrive and balance out the other two elements into a healthy whole.  Perhaps my very life is that third element offered in a token of trying to add a miniscule percent to the third, the mystical, of three elements of religion.  

Utterances from such as admittance of my lacking, my nothingness, seem at times what I can offer as prayer, and then praises such as "Thank You for the sunshine!"-- or "Thank You for the bed and pain medication!" seem banal, but they are real and honest, and come from my heart for I am so grateful for all including the little tats of temporal helps.

Christian, Catholic, Joyful Hermit: Persevere!

I had a major assignment for a soul and this country for a few years. I still pray, of course, but the assignment is dwindling, my task seems finished on that front.  

Then the bodily suffering took an unexpected turn. The intrathecal pump surgery resulted in the surgeon goofing a bit in a way that I don't think is going to be remedied.  He was rushing about--a youngish neurosurgeon who's abilities are obviously not great nor keen or he'd be doing more than just intrathecal pumps and tube up into the spinal cord (the tricky part). But he could not even get the pump in the correct location!

So I've suffered for the first four weeks after surgery with inability to eat much at all and with terrible nausea to a point of unable to even keep a tiny bit down.  Three trips to ER did not resolve anything other than the tube was intact, a scan showed, after vomiting with much force, prior and as result of the nausea increasing.

By the grace of God, literally, and the Holy Spirit helping me locate information that, all down the line of symptoms, fits what has occurred to my abdominal tract, I came across a diet that seems to be helping the nausea, plus one ER doctor prescribed a medication that Mayo Clinic also mentions that can help some with those suffering from Gastroparesis.  The diet recommended is rather dismal--until I consider people in poverty and third-world countries who'd be thrilled to be able to eat white bread and mashed potatoes!

I got a grip this past (fifth) week with the Reglan medication and being very careful to not eat much and only the sour dough or white bread, a slice toasted in the morning, and sip slowly over several hours an 8 oz. of protein drink.  In the evening a small amount of mashed potatoes--finally I was able to overcome much of the nausea and kept down the food of this Gastroparesis type diet. 

Despite my pointing out to the three ER doctors, the pain doctor, the neurosurgeon (who is finished with me as he does not want to take responsibility for getting the pump placed too high and thus near or over part of my stomach and upper left intestines), and an internal med doctor--no one wants to simply accept that my suffering has to do with the pump surgery.  I've never had such digestive issues in my life--not until five weeks ago yesterday, the date of the pump surgery.

I know people have been praying for me; I'm so grateful!  And I have prayed, obviously.  I have had emotions ranging from wanting the pump removed, to totally giving up and accepting bed-ridden, weak, and stuck with what is known as an unhealthy diet simply due to one day fine with no pump and the next not all right and with pump.  And while it ought to seem a small matter, I had no idea just how debilitating digestive troubles can be! Pray for people of all ages with variety of gastro-intestinal ailments!  Two weeks ago I had lost 16 lbs. and was not heavy to begin with.  I suppose by now maybe 20 lbs, but I am far from the emaciated little children featured in ads for food drives for the starving children of Africa.  

I am sending money to Fr. Vincent in Nigeria, in thinking of people there who have not enough to eat.  I don't know if he has access to the poorest of the poor; he is working in his religious community's boarding high school for boys and girls.  But he knows of plenty of people with a variety of needs, and at least it is something I was able to do and plan to do again when well enough to get to the Western Union in a grocery nearby.  I will say, that while Western Union is one of the safest and most direct ways to send money to Nigeria, I have had at least a half dozen scam calls as a result.  The scammers hack into Western Union or buy off the Nigerian officials on that end for the names and phone numbers and amounts transacted, and they are relentless in trying to shake me down over the phone, to which I let them know they are but scammers and their gig is so stupid sounding--why do they bother trying?  This last time I said they certainly persevere, but they don't fool me.  I've tried simply saying, "Scam!" and hang up, or I hang up without any words spoken, or to responding to a man with thick Nigerian accent saying he is from the FBI--"Well, I can call the real FBI on you, how's that?"  

Perhaps my abdomen needs lots of time to adapt to this hockey-size puck taking up plenty of space in the abdomen?  I have no idea, other than my life is totally altered...and I still have no medication in the pump yet to even see if that will help the spinal pain, the arachnoiditis pain that affects the body's nerves emanating from the lumbar spine in particular.  The pain doctor does not want to put in medication until the gastrointestinal issue is figured out.  But he was unwilling to refer me to a specialist, saying the internal med doctor can do that. The woman I saw a week ago was so inept and out of touch from her medical degree three decades ago, that she did not want to do the referral.  I told her they are the last avenue for a referral, and I thought she muttered she'd "put me in the system" on her way out of the exam room--but there's been no call; and I think it would be as well to not be "in the system" of that medical group, from past experiences.

I resolved to fully relinquish my body to God.  I'm more off this earth than on.  I listen/watch whatever Masses I can find that cover a variety of areas of the world--India, England, Canada, and two locations in the USA.  I follow along with two sites, taking turns, with the rosary, and the Divine Mercy Chaplet that the seminarians pray from the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, MA.  I mostly watch/listen to the EWTN and National Shrine of Divine Mercy masses and the Canadian Mass daily.  

Depending on pain and nausea level, I appreciate priests with soft voices, not strident.  I realize this seems a terrible thing to be concerned about, but when one is suffering, voice tonalities can make a difference.  I'm sorry to say so--but honesty is the best policy. I realize a person's voice is not easily altered, but it is possible to lower tone and attempt to soften our voices.  

Also, sermons reflecting the Scriptures are far more helpful to the mind, heart, and soul than those hashing over the rules created by people in the church over the past 11 centuries or so, or retelling saint stories, inspiring as their lives can be.  From the mystical ecstasies during Mass when I was physically able to attend parish masses, the ecstasies were always the most profound and deep, the union with Christ the greatest--when the priest would preach on the Living Word of God--not anecdotal renderings of this or that, with vague or limited linkage to Scripture.  Just in case someone reads this who can mention to a priest, or if a priest reads this--the Lord seems to love most when His Living Word is discussed and preached at Mass (and I assume anytime).

So this brings me to my suffering and insufferable phase of time here.  I myself ought to be preaching Christ and His Living Word in what I ponder and share.  I ought to be steeped in His Living Word, uniting my body, mind, heart, and soul to Christ Jesus and all matters relating to His Real Presence:  God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit!

I have not wanted to continue in life, that is for sure.  Yet I have nothing to complain about, really--not much at all.  I have a roof over head and white bread and some remaining Thanksgiving turkey, mashed potatoes, and bread stuffing that a daughter, her husband, and grandson brought yesterday evening.  I have canned goods in the pantry and some eggs and loaf of white bread, and some protein powder to mix.  I have a bed, a lovely view out windows installed six weeks ago; I have heat and running water!  I am blessed beyond measure with three adult children each making contact yesterday, Thanksgiving.  I have oral pain medication and enough Reglan to take prior to eating for the nausea and also supposedly helps stimulate digestive tract muscles.  I pray this situation is temporary, not permanent; but there are people in the world who have permanent Gastroparesis, and that can occur with Arachnoiditis patients at some time or other, of which I am one.

I continue to pray for others and to pray for Jesus to come take me with Him; and if not, then to show me purpose in this phase of life and whatever this is, unfolding. So I need purpose anew, and purpose renewed, and purpose of and in God's will!  I have my harp here, unpacked, and whether or not I could play it reclining, I guess only trying will tell.  I have my little window to the world--this laptop--yet have not been writing my blog sites, this or the newer one.  I have a variety of ideas for book projects, but I have not focused to put anything into action.  I'm considering the one shorter project that has been set aside for seven years or more. 

Why?  I lack some oomph.  I lack purpose.  I lack perseverance!

I'm not even sure what Scripture in Mass of the past couple of days that mentioned the word persevere or perseverance.  I think it might have been in addition to the persistent widow who did not relent until her prayers were answered, or the widow who persevered with the judge in being granted a ruling.  So in all my jibber-jabber above of what has been going on in my suffering and insufferable existence of these past five weeks, I do know what to do that is pleasing to God and productive of my life as it is currently.

I know to persevere  in prayer, love of God, love of others.  Persevere in this temporal life yet with the perseverance of one who has already departed the world, departed the temporal, departed the suffering that is notably the suffering of all mankind deep down within our earthly lives that suffer the reality that we are not in union yet with God, with the Beloved, with the One who completes our being by being subsumed into His Holy Being.

My purpose next and now will have to be rooted in His Real Presence. What I write must be in line with what my soul experiences or did, when I was in a holy Mass, in person, back when I was physically able to be in a holy Mass.  And that means my life and mind and thoughts and writing and what little speaking which might be my voice used every few days if a phone call is necessary for an appointment or such as the joy of two phone visits and one in-person visit yesterday--a most lovely Thanksgiving gift of hearing from the adult children!  

But for you and for God and in emails and blogs, I must persevere in exuding His Real Presence--His Living Words, His lovely actions and gifts to me and others in this our temporal life times, and in praise of God despite any sense of lostness of purpose or unknowing of purpose in whatever is now and next.  And it all takes perseverance.  Persevere in prayer; persevere in purpose no matter if purpose in trying to get up and walk around Solus Deus hermitage house a little bit to build up stamina...perseverance!  

Persevere in trying to read one or more of the many spiritual, holy, Godly books here that I'm so blessed to have.  Or persevere in trying to eat something that will build the body and strengthen the mind, heart and soul to persevere on in whatever way and means God asks of me for whatever time is remaining here on earth.  Persevere in writing, in thinking, in loving, in sharing, in praying, in hanging on to Christ Who Is always hanging on to us, never letting go of us, never hurting us, always persevering in pursuit of our love and in loving us eternally no matter what!

God bless His Real Presence in us, dear readers and friends in Christ Jesus!  Persevere!

More Thoughts on Transition, Writing, Mystic Mission

The time came and went with discussion this afternoon, on phone.  Some questions were asked, and I elaborated but went off on what I can call "verbal riffs."  Thoughts and ideas flooded through any filters or masking needed in most situations.  However, when we talk again, I did request that he just cut me off when I get off on especially past incidents of this and that, such as explain some aspect of mysticism, and then go into example of past that has various prongs and a point--but that point gets lost in the abundance of mystical experiences that enter into temporal life.

However, some aspects are established, such as no writing regarding hermits and hermit life as such, for that is not the essential or what the Lord desires of His purpose of me and my mission which is a shared purpose with all souls.  We are all seeking even if we do not realize this seeking--we are seeking our Creator and seeking His love for us, and our created purpose is to also seek to find God so that we can forever, fully love Him.

Part of what I mentioned, brought out by the question asked me of what aspects of mystics did Prof. Bernard McGinn's lectures on Christian mysticism did pertain to me specifically?  What was it of the information on mystics that particularly made me fearful in a way, or stunned all over again, that this life has been and is my life?  And the reality of the shock, I guess I could call it, although I've had to face this shock before, somehow has been brought into more clarity through the lectures and hearing example after example of the mystics lives that are what I experience and have going way back. It was even when young, comments made or a sense of reaction on my part to what was not so much spoken but known within, an instinct that there was a difference going on, that caused me to all the more as I got older to try to mask or to try harder to fit in with what I perceived were "normal" people who I so admired and still do.

So I told Dr. H. some of the ways and time periods of my going all out to be to my way of viewing self or as my parents socialized me or others through their positive feedback--that I'd put time, energy, and sometimes some expense into the effort; and this mostly after someone or other would make a comment regarding my being "different" in various ways that also affected me temporally.  I mentioned even a letter left me by the spouse who was leaving, a mention of my "mysticism" that unnerved the other.  I had not heard nor read the word before so looked it up in the dictionary.  

Regardless of this aspect the spouse had noted as a a reason for leaving, there were obvious choices and life style that the other had made all along in the short time together in the full spectrum of the years before and after.  But the word was out in the open, and my reading what it meant seemed very good in one sense, but the rejection involved provoked an insecurity of my self-hood and a time period of desire to be free in myself and how God created me, but also then to change somehow at least in outer effects, what was not seemingly acceptable or would fit in with the world of others.

Insecurity invites all kinds of others into one's life who try to help and have various suggestions and advice.  The one who has opened self up to feeling as if not acceptable to the real world of all the "normal" people begins to experiment in being other than self.  Yet, there is never success in that tact; there is only a prolonging of the inevitable finding what one is that God has created, and accepting His choice as to what He created, and then learning to grow in the security, learn, bud out, and eventually be fruitful in the purpose and mission of God's will for what He chose for us and finds special and dear to His Heart.

This is true of whatever God has chosen for any of us--the purpose, the mission, the circumstances and innate nature He bestows and allows in each soul He creates and brings into this world.  This is not unique to those He choses to be mystics with more mystic than less mystic.  As Dr. McGinn uses as example, all of us are on the continuum, the spectrum of mysticism.  God desires all of us to come to union with and in Him.  

McGinn mentions that of basketball--such as everyone can love the game of basketball, and most people can play basketball or if not actually play physically can enjoy watching from the bleachers or from television or listen on radio to games broadcast. But not all are going to be playing on the A-team, and even fewer will have exceptional talent and play on the pro-teams. He likens the mystics who are called to be the A-listers and pro's, to those whose lives are foremost as mystics, consumed with God and the union with God, the love of God, and the mission of showing others and writing of and talking of God and the spiritual life of the Three Persons of the Trinity and all else involved in God and the mysteries of God.

I commented to Dr. H. that in this period of major transition, I am all over again being shown by God my purpose and mission, but I also can see through some of what I wrote in past years, that I have not nearly kept focus on the purpose and particularly the mission.  I am upset by that and ashamed at the ways I have yet gone about in avoidance, seeking distractions and also continuing my efforts to fit in, such as especially to fit into the temporal Catholic world of parishes--to be acceptable as "normal" so as to be included by Catholic parishioners and priests, and even utilizable--even in some way as a mystic.  But the Lord kept having to allow circumstances in my life to prune me and prevent me from what is not His means and ways of His purpose and mission for me, which is not so tangible nor a fruit desired and edible to those who know me or in a parish situation or even diocese.

Dr. H. got that; he can see the phases of my life and the increasing pruning and to point of nearly truncated.  I have perhaps--we can hope in God and pray--accepted these matters, once and for all.  I am not going to know if I'm "doing" what God wills such as in writing, but he did laugh when one of the examples from Dr McGinn on a commonality of the Christian mystics is that they have a compulsion to write.  Dr. H. says he sure knows someone like that! But there are other aspects that hit home with me in the past few days.  

These creatures known as mystics (and of the more on-the-court types, the ones with more pronounced infusions of the category or "sport") generally go through the mystical derelictions, have episodes in their life of great suffering of various types, sometimes seemingly odd timing causing pivotal life changes.  They are intensely focused on God and the Church and feel deeply, as if they have become so subsumed as to be deeply injured and concerned with angst when there are affronts and wrongs occurring even if not noticeably, in the Church or priesthood, or among the worshippers.  There also are the many spiritual experiences--not a couple or so major events of God's reaching into a person's life in soul-altering ways--but many and varied examples of mystical graces that come unbidden, spontaneously, but mark the mystic.  

And while the mystical graces or experiences are signs, they are actually incidentals or ancillary to the mystic but cause problems often enough, among others. The mystics experience and endure many trials of spiritual and temporal forces and factors.  the mystics of these more extreme types are put through the paces in order to learn what is necessary for the mission they are given, and in part, that mission is as fruit for others, for the Church.  But mainly, I am realizing this evening as I write and have had thoughts come since the phone discussion--the mystic is to exemplify that of a love for God with intensity that other aspects of life will be set aside, even relationships that are not beneficial to the mission, or of what would be considered best regarding temporal Catholic world involvements. 

I commented to Dr. H. that I feel as if I have been a bench-sitter, not willing to get out there on the court and give it my all.  I've been a reluctant and passive mystic, despite the profundity of mystical graces.  Even my writing has been off-track on hermit topic, or drawn off in reactionary writing with someone other whose purpose was not as a mystic but rather as something other equally chosen by God and desired and willed by God.  

A mystic must stay in the position God created the mystic soul to live in this life and to play it with all its mind, heart, soul, and spirit--not be diverted or splinter off even if there are aspects given the hermit that can be misunderstood and distract.  The hermit life for this mystic is the means of custody for this mystic to be able to better fulfill its mission, not to be this mystic's mission.  Whereas other persons' mission might be the hermit life itself.

So when Dr. H. at the end of the conversation mentioned per my writing as part of my mission in what fruit I am to share and offer, he suggested I will need to learn to write in a way and with words that, as he put  it, the everyday person in the world who does not even begin to think about such matters would relate with and understand--he might have even used the term the average duffer or something similar.

However, that got my inner to consider what keeps coming forth that is telling me, no, you must be congruous, real, yourself, as I created you.  You do not have the energy now to expend on trying to write in some other style, or to use a vocabulary that is not given you through your temporal education, what does not come naturally to mind and out the fingertips on the laptop keys.

And more, I realized that perhaps what I write is for God, to please God, my whole self as fruit to Him and Him only?  Solus Deus?  I thought of a friend who enjoys fiction although also loves to read Scripture each day, has a prayer life of whatever level it does not matter, not for me to know, of course.  But she mentioned the title of a book--and she reads as many do for entertainment. I looked up the book as is part of a trilogy of which two more books are being sent that are eagerly awaited.  I read an excerpt, and all the more I understood the differences.  

It has been years since I lost appetite for fiction.  But these are best sellers, and a well-known author, but I was stunned by how I'd no more find interest or even structural artistry; the content seemed dumbed down somehow.  I realize that what people read and enjoy would be great effort on my part to write.  My bodily pain would not allow for that expenditure in that way.  Thus the thought came, the realization, that what I write might not at all be as Dr. H. has in mind--not for a broad spectrum of people.  What if the fruit God has for me to produce is a kumquat or gooseberry?  

At this point, as I mentioned to Dr. H. in feeling I've been a bench-sitter on the basketball team to which he said he was going to have the role of pushing me off the bench and fully into the game, I'd better just get to writing of whatever the Holy Spirit brings up in everyday life but with my assenting to all that God wills for me as a mystic.  I have shirked and shrunk for too many years.  I am ashamed and even concerned that I have not cooperated with God Who has been so good, so patient, so generous in the gifts both temporal and mystical.  

I have resisted passing through the mystic portal.  Even now, or recently, I ordered doors, windows, and oodles of flooring cartons that I will have to impose upon others to help find places to store them in the stuffed and messy garage (needs organizing), on the back patio, and in the house wherever we can make space.  We?  Well, I am not physically able to do much of anything at this point.  I'm not even that fit for writing, it seems when the pain is super high.  But more so, I have shirked the praying--unless my writing becomes as prayer in itself.  Perhaps sometimes.

I did read the poem to Dr. H. that I had forgotten having written in 2011.  Nor did I recall the other aspects going on then in which God was asking of me to pass through, to accept fully and agree to being the person He chose to create and wants of me--loves of me even if what I am is not understood nor that acceptable or valued by the bulk of persons.  That is all part of the plight of mystics in general.  But usually in a mystic's life, the mission part becomes pronounced, and God allows the fruit to grow and be cultivated, picked, and offered for whomever desires.  Mostly this is after the mystic has physically passed on from this temporal world.  

Even then, such as if the mystic in the compulsion to write and write, what is written might be tossed in a dumpster by whomever clears out the mystic's belonging after death. But the fact is, the mystic must give its all to the purpose for which God chose to create such a woe-begotten type and to give its all to God to fulfill its mission.  That mission continues to evolve here, now, with this mystic, but it must be authentically from within whatever this is of myself.  And it must focus on Jesus, take care of Baby Jesus, just adore Him and yet share anonymously in writing what evolves and unfolds.  

A mystic is to remind those who want to see the mystic spectrum and that we all are in a continuum of being on that spectrum, and that our purpose and innate yearning as souls is to seek God our Creator to love Him and be united in Him eternally.  The fruit is as all else with a mystic--really, up to God as to if it is picked up and eaten and enjoyed by others.  There is not just one mystic of the more extreme type at any given time on earth. And even the bench-sitter mystics might be called by the coach to become more fully engaged and on the court.  

All is God's will and choosing.  But I had better remove myself from distractions deceptively slight, and devote myself more to the practice of praise of God and prayer.  Even a mystic on the bench must attend and participate all team practices and do the necessary bodily and mental regimens that lend to successful outcomes.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic and God's Hermit: Seeking a Word

Upon awakening, the pain did not seem to immediately register but the world did, opening the eyes to daylight and the green of earth outside the window.  I did not want to be awakened to another day of suffering.  So I began to praise God.  That is my "technique" for countering my reaction to living with pain.  God understands fully; He knows my body, mind, heart, and soul in this world and out of this world.

Took the hours' past-due pain med, stood up, very weak, but went to kitchen:  coffee, oatmeal, back to bed to sip and eat reclining.  The usual routine, this, and added the magnesium, calcium, D, K, and B-12 vitamin supplements.  (I'm doing all temporally, physically possible that is blessedly available to try in building bodily energy so that I might get up, dress, and cope with this consistently higher level of pain.  I'm grateful to God for the many blessings given me in the temporal.  But I am utterly depleted physically.)

Text Dr. H. and express the temporal pain experience and of my losing ground in the physical.  For when up getting the coffee and oatmeal, my legs are weak.  The entire body feels as if having to push to just stay upright to do the simple motions of coffee machine and to cook the easy oatmeal.  It is the same every morning, but this one am even more weak in body.

I comment upon R., the man who last fall spoke on phone in three-way conversation including Dr. H. who knows this man.  R. had a miraculous relief from pain to a point of being "cured" as if through a focused breath "technique".  I'd listened last night to another lecture by Dr. Bernard McGinn, this one on the prayer life and advice of various mystics of earlier centuries.

McGinn, in his life-long study of Christian mysticism, points out that people can but prepare ourselves,   Develop a prayer life that usually begins with verbal, then mental or meditation on God; for Christians this includes aspects of Christ's life as well as the Trinity--the love of the Holy Spirit that binds Christ the Son with God the Father.  McGinn then comments upon prayer at some point becoming more of a contemplation of the Trinity-- a more wordless and imageless form of prayer.

The scholar and theologian emphasizes yet again in this particular lecture, that we cannot make experiences happen, that a mystic cannot make himself a mystic nor to have legitimate spiritual experiences occur.  Not everyone will be a mystic in that more extreme aspect.  He gives as example that many can play basketball but not all will have more talent, not be on the pro teams.  And he stresses there is no technique in particular that will make a person a mystic with mystical experiences.  Yet we all are to prepare our minds, hearts, and souls with the desire and openness to receiving God, to desiring union with God, and prayer is a means of preparation.  Prayer is our communication with God.

But God alone infuses the grace or graces.  He imparts graces through and of Himself and His Son Jesus Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.  All we people can do is to prepare ourselves through love of the Trinity and through the exercise, if you will, of prayer.  And to pray constantly as St. Paul mentions in his epistles-- many of the early mystics explain is to have our intentions be that of always directed or focused in love of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. So prayer becomes our way of life, our existence, by means of intention as we cannot always practice or exercise prayer in conscious gradations:  verbal, mental, contemplation. 

Dr. H. texts about calling later today.  He says he might be able to offer some techniques to help with the pain or perhaps my sense of fatigue and inability to seemingly get up and function much at all.  I remind him that it is not a matter of techniques, all this situation. I add that two people could do the breathing techniques that R. did, but not have the result R. experienced and I assume is still experiencing the remission of physical pain. God allowed R's outcome due to God giving that grace, that miracle.  However, I text that we can discuss the topic of "techniques".  (Actually, it is mind, heart, and soul preparation, practice--that of prayer.)

Perhaps there will be good from discussing as I need feedback verbally, or so it seems.  I sent an email yesterday through chancellor to bishop regarding my understanding of the need for balance, a reassurance that I have a grasp of these matters of temporal and mystical "worlds" and describe what I mean, and of the necessity of being "grounded".  I emailed twice to the parish priest, further sharing some spiritual thoughts and understandings.  

By having written emails (including to try to express some of these thoughts to a quite elderly friend), I recognize I am feeling a need for discussion--but what I really could use right now is feedback with those who would have knowledge of or life purpose in such matters and topics.  Dr. H. is best for that, it currently seems, for the clerics are too busy to just "talk" or correspond.  I knew and know this, yet was unrealistic in reaching out.  Dr. H., while not a religious, does have mind and soul interest in such matters.  Also a major benefit is that he has known me for years, is innately wise, expeirenced, and has time and availability.

The very elderly friend I emailed is not interested even if Catholic, to have email nor spiritual discussion.  I know this; yet my need for discussion or feedback right now is so strong that I emailed the other day, regardless.  I know there will be no response of any spiritual matter or aspect.  I do know the person prays for me and has a spiritual life, of course, a prayer life and daily lectio divina (reading Scripture in personal, interactive-with-Holy Spirit,  meditative way). 

But when in a transition phase in particular, so much is being opened up by the Holy Spirit, in the mind, heart, and soul--one must go with whom God reasonably provides.  So Dr. H. it is!  He has always possessed prescient wisdom from the early years, and he has interest in God and spiritual matters; all this counts.  Plus, he is a gift of God.  

What I'm trying to point out for those readers who are seeking God, is that we take what and whom God provides when needed, and it may not always be a priest, bishop, or anyone ordained.  Go with God's flow.  I had even thought in recent days that I'd love to be able to contact Dr. Bernard McGinn for discussion and to ask some questions!  But I realize God has provided Dr. McGinn through his lectures online on various topics per Christian mysticism!

Sometimes, no matter the particulars or breadth of silence of solitude, we find a need to discuss with another, the matters of the mind, heart, and especially soul--which all do affect and interface with the body, temporal life.  I'm realizing I miss the late Spiritual Da who provided that occasional contact, for as one grows in the spiritual life, the contact does not need to be frequent.  

The soul weans away from such need for human discussion or as it was called by early desert hermits--seeking "a word" from a more progressed, wiser, older hermit.  The hermit needs a jump-start, so to speak--so travel miles to the hut or cave of an older hermit and once in the old one's presence, asks:  Father, give me a "word".  So it is similar in our day that we ask for some advice or counsel from a wise, spiritually attuned, other.  The "word" from the elder hermits would usually be brief--some wisdom or even a saying that the seeker then could take to ponder and meditate upon, and put into practice.

In my case, some has to do with the bodily pain, of course--which is complicating this current, major, transition phase.  I finally made the tangible effort to call the pain doctor and left message with his medical tech--essentially asking for a "word", as well!  I want to know if the neurosurgeon request went through and if they've had any feedback, for I've not received a call from the neurosurgeon's office in the three weeks or so since the pain doctor told me he was referring me for the intrathecal pump surgery.  So we ask for a "word" in temporal matters more often than what we'd recognize as similar to the "word" a spiritual, a holy God-seeker would ask on spiritual matters.

Mostly, we seek a "word" when we read Scripture, the Living Word, the Word of God, or often simply stated "the Word."  And for those well along the way, the path, in seeking Divine Union with God, when we read His "Word," we are reading at a depth or level of understanding in that the "Word" becomes God's speaking to us directly.  

The "Word" that Jesus gives me today is that He is sending the Advocate to help me--the Holy Spirit, and that Jesus has to leave the world in order for Him to send the Holy Spirit in His place.  Jesus could not live indefinitely as God-Man on earth, for His mission on earth was that of showing us the Way as we live on earth, and to die for our sins and salvation, and to show us the Way forward in our own dying physically and of our rising, but of the Way to God spiritually, also, while we are on earth.

I'd best stop writing which I'd prefer to do, and get up for the second cup of coffee, and then add the protein powder to the vitamin water, and simply get dressed so that I will be at least physically readied to try to perform some physical tasks that might help me distract the mind from physical pain as well as to being to strengthen muscles that are unused.  I must try.  I have no idea if this is "it" for me as far as being bed-ridden, but I must at least try to build some muscle and stamina.  I've been through prolonged phases of major transition before, but none have quite been like this.

I noticed in an old blog years ago that I was in a spiritual transition, and these transitions do tend to also involve the temporal aspects of body, also.  But then I'd written of calling the Spiritual Da, and he said, "You HAVE to pull out of this!"  He used to also say in minor transition phases that also affected the body, "Get out and back into the gardens!"  Manual labor, in other words, and especially for me, working with the plants and trees and earthly hummus, would help my body pull out, and through which there generally would be some sort of breakthrough within.

Also, as God Himself through the Love of Jesus Christ His Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit will give us a "Word" within our inner beings.  This level of receiving a Word from God Himself, is a grace.  But we do all we can of our own volition and tangible means and preparing ourselves to be open to receiving a "word" which is from God Himself, God alone, solus Deus--meant for ourselves but a "Word" to us within us, always is beneficial and rather universal in effect and helpfulness.

Dear God, the physical pain in this body is fatiguing and depleting to a point that I find myself not even breathing regularly, often, and definitely not deeply.  It is as if the body itself wants to shut down the breath in order to rise out of this temporal form of such physical heaviness and pain.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Hold onto, nourish always, Faith, Hope, and Love in God!

[The pain doctor's nurse called and gave a "word."  Others are experiencing increased pain due to weather.  The referral just went out to neurosurgeon a week ago and can take awhile before I might hear from that office.  Go out when there is sun and try to absorb the D from sun.  Try to do leg movement when up to get blood circulating.  "Hang in and hang on."  I'm reminded that seeking a word for temporal means is useful and helpful.]