Catholic Hermit: Transformation of the Praying Heart

The other Catholic hermit (privately professed) who has many mystical experiences of which one gift is the Indwelling of the Holy Trinity, emailed last night that if writing helps me endure this pain, then to write.  

I was awakened in the night be worse suffering, so I got back on the floor where it seems my back more comfortable.  The lumbar is still a fiery mess of pain.  It is so severe that the nerve pain down the legs takes second place.  Yet upon waking this morning, the spinal headache is hollering for help.  Thus far I've not given in to Excedrin; I truly want to cooperate with the pain doctor's plan to do steroid injection into the spine this coming Wed.  

So I texted Angel (the woman who brings me His Real Presence in the mystery of His tangible form of consecrated Host), and mentioned my plight--perhaps ER if cannot get headache tamed--and if she is going to grocery any time, could she pick up three items for me?  But she is away until Saturday night but can help then.  It is for the best, no doubt, as I must not cave to the ER plan too easily.  What can they do for me, anyway, other than IV or injection?  That will wear off if even possible in this stringent time regarding pain medications.  Or they'd try what does not work, such as Tylenol; or they'd say take Advil, which is an nsaid and what I'm not to take seven days prior to the spinal injection.

I turn to His Living Word, while I yet consider:  Does writing about this high amount of suffering and this experience of enduring through it, really help me?  I'm doubting it helps others--you readers.  Only if some of you have a lot of pain of any type, it probably seems quite self-serving or piteous that I would write and write and write of the details of trying to endure pain.  Even if you can relate it to someone near you, or to times in your own lives in which you've had various types of suffering--but then, I'm convinced most if not all handle suffering far better, so this would seem nonsense.

Well, I am a weak soul, for sure.  I have considered if I would make myself praise God--yes, just praise for this or that and for Him alone--it would be better than pondering whatever else or dealing with thoughts of desire of being with the Lord, when obviously Jesus has not and at least right now, is not returning to take me with Him.

So here amidst the morning Mass readings, is the daily Catechism of the Catholic Church selection.  (And as a former, long-time Protestant, I still think The Catechism makes a fine guide for anyone, including if governments of the world would stick to what is set forth in this book!)  As I read today's selection, the part about transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our [prayer] petition.

2739 For St. Paul, this trust [in God, in prayer to God?] is bold, founded on the prayer of the Spirit in us [Holy Spirit's prayer, being prayed in us?] and on the faithful love of the Father who has given us his only Son.  Transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our petition.

I marvel at what details enlighten when I take moments to ponder, when I talk these matter over with His Real Presence-within Whom I abide and Who abides within me.  This the crux of lectio divina: divine converse with the Holy Trinity.  Allow the Holy Spirit of which God Who Is Love flows between Father and Son, permeate this Divine Love in us.  Thus we communicate in words or in the silence of our hearts and minds with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  Thus  His Real Presence communicates with us, through, with, and in His Perfect Love.

Again, as I have felt so strongly that hope in God is a mystical, spiritual hope--yes, a theological virtue--and resides within His Real Presence, within us as we are within Him, I also wonder at this statement above that "the prayer of the Spirit is within us."  So, too, here is this transformation of the praying heart.  We are told it is our first response to our prayer--our petition, it states.  So is the transformation of our praying hearts on-going within us, when we pray?

Do we have to do the "work" of transforming our hearts?  Or is the Holy Spirit causing the transformation "autonomically" whenever we pray, whenever we communicate with God.  Conceivably, this would be in whatever manner of prayer--including petitions, praises, words spoken, thought, aural or silent aspirations?  Does this mean our prayer ought be of the heart as opposed to the mind--and is it possible to communicate with God solely with the mind and not have the heart very much involved, as well as our body and spirit included in praying?

My worn out body, mind, heart and even my spirit, needs to believe that the Holy Spirit is providing the transformation for us, through us, with us, and in us as we are through, with, and in His Real Presence when we pray.  I have to trust that the Holy Spirit transforms the praying heart no matter the degree, level, or type of communication with any One and all Three Persons of the Holy Trinity.  I now must trust in His Providence in all matters because I have not the strength to do or think or put out effort because I have not the strength.  I'm at the singular point of solus Deus:  God alone.

While The Catechism states that the "transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our petition," it does not specifically say that the transformation of the heart (when praying) is our own response.  So, is the Holy Spirit engendering, effectuating the response--this "first" response? [Will there be mention in The Catechism, or is there some sort of second or third response--perhaps involving other aspects of our beings, such as our minds or our souls?  I guess, stay tuned!  We might find out!]

For now, I'm going to accept that my heart has been and is continuing to be transformed.  Perhaps this transformation of my heart is an on-going transformation, whenever I pray, whenever I communicate with the Holy Trinity, with His Real Presence.  Thus, the transformation of my heart is the first response and always the response when praying.  The transformation of my heart then is on-going if I pray always, when communicating with God in constant communication even though not always verbal or mental prayer of my conscious awareness.  It can be prayer that grows, always a form of the prayer of and in my soul and spirit, just as The Catechism states that the prayer of the Spirit is in us.

Accept!  This is a key word:  Accept.  Accept these truths of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit abiding in us and us in Him:  The trinity, the Three-in-One, His Real Presence.  Accept and desire His Real Presence always, eternally.  When there is nothing other that. and no one who, can offer productive, positive, perfect hope, faith, and love.  We know to Whom to turn, to Whom we can trust, to Whom we can abide in full security in our communicating, in our listening, in our being able to fully be ourselves without risk of betrayal or criticism, without risk of rejection or abandonment, without being ever misunderstood.

And when we are weary and weak, we do not need effort.  All we need is to rely upon His Real Presence, of which the Holy Spirit breathes upon us and in us the faith, hope, and perfect love of the Father and the Son.  We can rest in His assurance, and know that even in our prayers--even if only prayer of petition, of asking, beseeching--the Holy Spirit's prayer is already praying in us, engendering the transformation of our hearts as first response to whatever we've asked whether in word, thought, or unspoken need.

Have we realized that pain itself speaks?  A broken heart speaks?  A despairing mind speaks?  What we cannot express in our own words or even recognize as thoughts, needs, feelings--can be heard by the Spirit in ways we do not fathom right now.  And all of what is "us" is shared through, with, and in God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ by and in the mystical interaction of the Holy Spirit.

If the Father knows us from before we were knit in our mothers' wombs, if He knows every hair on our heads, if He knows what we need before we can put our petitions into thoughts or words, then He knows the prayer of our pain.  He knows the prayer that is our sufferings, our trials, our challenges, our obstacles, our heartaches.  He also knows the prayer that is our desire to persevere and endure through whatever His Real Presence is allowing in our lives, whether or not we recognize that God allows all for the good of us who love Him so!

He knows the prayer that is our desire to triumph over evil.  He knows what the devil is doing, as God knows all.  He knows what the devil is putting us through, what and how the devil is tempting us.  He knows because all God allows is for the purpose of bringing us to perfection--bit by bit--to be one with Him in His Real Presence, in the Holy Trinity.

All this--freely given us by God--strengthens us and perfects us.  As we freely and fearless give all of ourselves to His Real Presence, to us is freely given the all that is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

The only aspect required of me, now, is to accept all that He gives me.  All I need do now, is to endure the suffering, to suffer it out no matter how long I am on earth.  I am to set aside "me" and what I'd like to accomplish or think I ought--like a reminder just now from the ophthalmologist that I am to come for a visual field test in two days.  But again, all I need to do now is to rest in the assurance of His Real Presence adn to know that the Holy Spirit's prayer in ongoing within me, and that my heart is being transformed through prayer seen or unseen, known or unknown, hears or unheard:  the prayer of the Spirit praying.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[Note: I want to clarify so as not to be misunderstood that the above is not simply passive laziness or helplessness.  It is not "quietism."  Even suffering is an action, a participation, a cooperation with His Real Presence.  It is not really a  passive praying.  Mercy, no!  It is quite active in its own aspects--pain, in essence, screams!  Even the Holy Spirit praying in us, is not us being passive , uninvolved, or non-cooperative.  We are cooperating in the Holy Spirit's prayer within us by being in and with His Real Presence, and the Holy Spirit having berth in our souls.  Enduring is active participation with the Trinity, for example.]

Catholic Hermit on God's Omnipotent Providence and Present Moment Reality

From James 4:13-16 comes the truth of God's living word of God's complete omnipotent providence and our present moment reality.

"Beloved:
 Come now, you who say,
 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town,
 spend a year there doing business and make a profit'--
 you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow.
 You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears.
 Instead you should say,
 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.'"

It is so true that while we make mental plans, have dreams of goals of what we think and plan for the future, we really do not know, nor can we ultimately count on any temporal aspects of life.  

Of course, we humans do tend to function in forward-thinking, future-goal mode.  Is it arrogance, pride, that causes us to place ourselves in position of "calling the shots"?  

I suppose pride is the root cause behind the effort.

Last night, late in his time zone, my son called.  He had been celebrating with colleagues the end of a television season as well as a new position that astoundingly seemed to come "out of the blue."  As we were discussing the good fortune and turn of events, we also discussed what he'd be doing in his job, when he would begin, and the major upgrade it is from what in a few days will be his former place of employment.

At one point, the call dropped as he excitedly spoke of the details.  I'd been pondering the truth of the above Scripture for a couple days, relating it to my own existence in the unknowns of bodily pain sieges and also knowing full-well, that any mishap could totally alter the momentum of what is, for me, and of what is next.  

When I called back after the sudden call failure, the thought struck that my son could be mugged, walking late at night in the city.  I did not think that had occurred--but the thought came all the same as a reminder of how we don't know from moment to moment, really.  Maybe he will begin the new position, or not.  Maybe in the two weeks or so of time off between jobs he will find his planned, solo cycling venture come to reality, or not.  

Truly, we are a puff of smoke.  In the fullness of the ages of human existence, we appear briefly on earth, some for a split-second and some for several seconds if a long life.  Then we are off the face of this earth, like a failed cell phone call spontaneously, unexpectedly dropped.  We just never know.  That is the point.  We do not know; God knows.

For years (and perhaps the reminders and process is easier if one has a bodily limitation that is unpredictable), I have taken on the statement when there is something I'd like to do or others would like of me.  I add on this reminder:  God willing, and body able.  

Yet I continue to challenge the Order of the Present Moment, obviously, or I would not be frustrated or disappointed such as the past week when another and particularly grueling, pain siege set in.  For one thing, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's eldest sister and husband were going to be in the area for a day and had made arrangements to stay in a hotel, just for the purpose of seeing me.  I'd not seen this sister for 14 years.  I was unable to manage to make the day's reunion.

The reality of God's omnipotent providence and the truth that all we do "know" is our present moment, is also the reality of our spiritual existences.  However, in the spiritual, we are even less aware of what is and what is next.

For this aspect, I find that what Jesus told Catherine of Siena to be quite worthy of imbedding within my core essence.  Jesus told her, "You are nothing; I am ALL."

Nothing is less than a puff of smoke.

Yesterday is what we can view; but in yesterday we also have no power in its providence, and the present moments are past.  Yet we can learn from yesterday if there is some lesson to be gleaned, positive or negative in import.  

Perhaps the best lesson gleaned is that we are nothing and God is ALL, and that God's omnipotence will determines our lives.

A daughter just called.  Her husband is having an "out of the blue" interview in an hour.  It is another bizarre happening of which there was no forewarning and of which the outcome is naturally unknown to any of us, including that of the interviewer.  

I am going to try to rise (God willing and body able) and head up the stairs to get the tile mortar blade I was using yesterday (into the evening), and of which I totally forgot.  It will take extra effort to clean it, and I have no idea of the condition of the mortar in the unclosed container.  I was multi-tasking yesterday:  switching off and on with hooking up water hose to soaker hoses, emptying water buckets that catch the hose-drips from faulty spigots, harvesting-simmering-freezing batches of fresh rhubarb, tiling bathroom vanity backsplash full up the wall, and gathering piles of weeds for the burn pile.

And all the while, whether or not body able (but God surely wills it--Deus vult!) this nothing-puff-of-smoke-human-consecrated-Catholic-hermit prays and praises, trusts, adores, serves, and loves God-Who-Is-All.