The other Catholic hermit (privately professed) who has many mystical experiences of which one gift is the Indwelling of the Holy Trinity, emailed last night that if writing helps me endure this pain, then to write.
I was awakened in the night be worse suffering, so I got back on the floor where it seems my back more comfortable. The lumbar is still a fiery mess of pain. It is so severe that the nerve pain down the legs takes second place. Yet upon waking this morning, the spinal headache is hollering for help. Thus far I've not given in to Excedrin; I truly want to cooperate with the pain doctor's plan to do steroid injection into the spine this coming Wed.
So I texted Angel (the woman who brings me His Real Presence in the mystery of His tangible form of consecrated Host), and mentioned my plight--perhaps ER if cannot get headache tamed--and if she is going to grocery any time, could she pick up three items for me? But she is away until Saturday night but can help then. It is for the best, no doubt, as I must not cave to the ER plan too easily. What can they do for me, anyway, other than IV or injection? That will wear off if even possible in this stringent time regarding pain medications. Or they'd try what does not work, such as Tylenol; or they'd say take Advil, which is an nsaid and what I'm not to take seven days prior to the spinal injection.
I turn to His Living Word, while I yet consider: Does writing about this high amount of suffering and this experience of enduring through it, really help me? I'm doubting it helps others--you readers. Only if some of you have a lot of pain of any type, it probably seems quite self-serving or piteous that I would write and write and write of the details of trying to endure pain. Even if you can relate it to someone near you, or to times in your own lives in which you've had various types of suffering--but then, I'm convinced most if not all handle suffering far better, so this would seem nonsense.
Well, I am a weak soul, for sure. I have considered if I would make myself praise God--yes, just praise for this or that and for Him alone--it would be better than pondering whatever else or dealing with thoughts of desire of being with the Lord, when obviously Jesus has not and at least right now, is not returning to take me with Him.
So here amidst the morning Mass readings, is the daily Catechism of the Catholic Church selection. (And as a former, long-time Protestant, I still think The Catechism makes a fine guide for anyone, including if governments of the world would stick to what is set forth in this book!) As I read today's selection, the part about transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our [prayer] petition.
2739 For St. Paul, this trust [in God, in prayer to God?] is bold, founded on the prayer of the Spirit in us [Holy Spirit's prayer, being prayed in us?] and on the faithful love of the Father who has given us his only Son. Transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our petition.
I marvel at what details enlighten when I take moments to ponder, when I talk these matter over with His Real Presence-within Whom I abide and Who abides within me. This the crux of lectio divina: divine converse with the Holy Trinity. Allow the Holy Spirit of which God Who Is Love flows between Father and Son, permeate this Divine Love in us. Thus we communicate in words or in the silence of our hearts and minds with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Thus His Real Presence communicates with us, through, with, and in His Perfect Love.
Again, as I have felt so strongly that hope in God is a mystical, spiritual hope--yes, a theological virtue--and resides within His Real Presence, within us as we are within Him, I also wonder at this statement above that "the prayer of the Spirit is within us." So, too, here is this transformation of the praying heart. We are told it is our first response to our prayer--our petition, it states. So is the transformation of our praying hearts on-going within us, when we pray?
Do we have to do the "work" of transforming our hearts? Or is the Holy Spirit causing the transformation "autonomically" whenever we pray, whenever we communicate with God. Conceivably, this would be in whatever manner of prayer--including petitions, praises, words spoken, thought, aural or silent aspirations? Does this mean our prayer ought be of the heart as opposed to the mind--and is it possible to communicate with God solely with the mind and not have the heart very much involved, as well as our body and spirit included in praying?
My worn out body, mind, heart and even my spirit, needs to believe that the Holy Spirit is providing the transformation for us, through us, with us, and in us as we are through, with, and in His Real Presence when we pray. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit transforms the praying heart no matter the degree, level, or type of communication with any One and all Three Persons of the Holy Trinity. I now must trust in His Providence in all matters because I have not the strength to do or think or put out effort because I have not the strength. I'm at the singular point of solus Deus: God alone.
While The Catechism states that the "transformation of the praying heart is the first response to our petition," it does not specifically say that the transformation of the heart (when praying) is our own response. So, is the Holy Spirit engendering, effectuating the response--this "first" response? [Will there be mention in The Catechism, or is there some sort of second or third response--perhaps involving other aspects of our beings, such as our minds or our souls? I guess, stay tuned! We might find out!]
For now, I'm going to accept that my heart has been and is continuing to be transformed. Perhaps this transformation of my heart is an on-going transformation, whenever I pray, whenever I communicate with the Holy Trinity, with His Real Presence. Thus, the transformation of my heart is the first response and always the response when praying. The transformation of my heart then is on-going if I pray always, when communicating with God in constant communication even though not always verbal or mental prayer of my conscious awareness. It can be prayer that grows, always a form of the prayer of and in my soul and spirit, just as The Catechism states that the prayer of the Spirit is in us.
Accept! This is a key word: Accept. Accept these truths of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit abiding in us and us in Him: The trinity, the Three-in-One, His Real Presence. Accept and desire His Real Presence always, eternally. When there is nothing other that. and no one who, can offer productive, positive, perfect hope, faith, and love. We know to Whom to turn, to Whom we can trust, to Whom we can abide in full security in our communicating, in our listening, in our being able to fully be ourselves without risk of betrayal or criticism, without risk of rejection or abandonment, without being ever misunderstood.
And when we are weary and weak, we do not need effort. All we need is to rely upon His Real Presence, of which the Holy Spirit breathes upon us and in us the faith, hope, and perfect love of the Father and the Son. We can rest in His assurance, and know that even in our prayers--even if only prayer of petition, of asking, beseeching--the Holy Spirit's prayer is already praying in us, engendering the transformation of our hearts as first response to whatever we've asked whether in word, thought, or unspoken need.
Have we realized that pain itself speaks? A broken heart speaks? A despairing mind speaks? What we cannot express in our own words or even recognize as thoughts, needs, feelings--can be heard by the Spirit in ways we do not fathom right now. And all of what is "us" is shared through, with, and in God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ by and in the mystical interaction of the Holy Spirit.
If the Father knows us from before we were knit in our mothers' wombs, if He knows every hair on our heads, if He knows what we need before we can put our petitions into thoughts or words, then He knows the prayer of our pain. He knows the prayer that is our sufferings, our trials, our challenges, our obstacles, our heartaches. He also knows the prayer that is our desire to persevere and endure through whatever His Real Presence is allowing in our lives, whether or not we recognize that God allows all for the good of us who love Him so!
He knows the prayer that is our desire to triumph over evil. He knows what the devil is doing, as God knows all. He knows what the devil is putting us through, what and how the devil is tempting us. He knows because all God allows is for the purpose of bringing us to perfection--bit by bit--to be one with Him in His Real Presence, in the Holy Trinity.
All this--freely given us by God--strengthens us and perfects us. As we freely and fearless give all of ourselves to His Real Presence, to us is freely given the all that is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
The only aspect required of me, now, is to accept all that He gives me. All I need do now, is to endure the suffering, to suffer it out no matter how long I am on earth. I am to set aside "me" and what I'd like to accomplish or think I ought--like a reminder just now from the ophthalmologist that I am to come for a visual field test in two days. But again, all I need to do now is to rest in the assurance of His Real Presence adn to know that the Holy Spirit's prayer in ongoing within me, and that my heart is being transformed through prayer seen or unseen, known or unknown, hears or unheard: the prayer of the Spirit praying.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
[Note: I want to clarify so as not to be misunderstood that the above is not simply passive laziness or helplessness. It is not "quietism." Even suffering is an action, a participation, a cooperation with His Real Presence. It is not really a passive praying. Mercy, no! It is quite active in its own aspects--pain, in essence, screams! Even the Holy Spirit praying in us, is not us being passive , uninvolved, or non-cooperative. We are cooperating in the Holy Spirit's prayer within us by being in and with His Real Presence, and the Holy Spirit having berth in our souls. Enduring is active participation with the Trinity, for example.]
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