Catholic Hermit: Progression

When one has a major God-pivot in thoughts, there is progression.  When we pray for that which God wishes for us, there are answers in movement, in shifts of the soul.  Also we will experience alterations in our relationships and temporal circumstances.

A cousin on my father's side has asked me to write recollections of his life.  Her mother, my aunt, recently passed at nearly age 97; she is delving into old photos and plans to write an online book of family history.  Her mother had shared and jotted down information on her parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles but had not shared that much of her siblings--two brothers.

While I had to put off the request until after a daughter and grandson came to visit and help me with some manual labor here at Te Deum Hermitage (most don't know the name or if do, need to remember; God knows and you anonymous readers know), I have pondered some of my dad's life.
I initially wrote just a segment to my cousin, of a pivotal time in my dad's life that I find yet today to be inspiring and helpful.

However, I think my cousin took it as negative, or more suffering from my life.  (I had also shared with her that I was stopping the negative thoughts in the first waking moments and stretching into an hour or two depending upon severity of pain.)  She wrote back that her mother always told her to never think back on memories or worries for they will strip us of energy.

That is true; it can do that.  Especially memories that we perceive as negative, and unless we can forgive and see some positive aspect to what was past.  Often, we struggle to truly find positive in downright horrible situations of our past days and years.  But if we can locate the positive or even come to a point in our thinking that those situations really were inspirational or prepared us for greater accomplishments and a far richer, deeper life experience, then looking back can empower.

When the daughter and grandson arrived here after a long journey, we had two nights and two days of sharing and working.  They stayed in a tent which ended up being rather an interesting experience; it gave a new "look" to this old farmhouse and property.  It added an element of color and fun, and also of sacrifice.  Their sleep mattress had a slow leak; and their was so much dew one morning, the grandson and his shoes had to dry out.

We got the rest of the vaulted ceiling installed.  This required more cross-boards nailed every couple of feet or so between the ceiling joists, plus I had to stuff in another layer of insulation so that the entire result is R-49 insulation factor.  Then we had to one-by-one, fit, tap in, and trim nail each board.  The exterior wall tends to lean out slightly in some areas; there are light fixtures that need careful measuring and cutting boards to fit around openings.

Up on ladders, each of us working hard, the grandson handing us the nail gun or boards.  We climbed up and down so many times and craned our necks so often--especially when we had stubborn boards of which we had frequently.  Some were warped a bit, some bowed.  We took a few breaks, of course.  This old nothing consecrated Catholic hermit pushed the body for time was of essence in having help with a ceiling that otherwise I could not at all do alone.

During one rest break, the daughter reflected upon the progress made in this house.  She encouraged by pointing out we had two-thirds of the ceiling boards in.  She then admitted that she really did hope that somehow I can finish the place.  She said it would be quite an accomplishment as well as could be quite a charming house.

We discussed the various hardships in all the work done here, often with her and her husband's help, the little grandson assisting--and always, always the various obstacles that we'd encounter in here.  (The place does need to be blessed; the priest remembers yet has not called to set the date.)  But we also mentioned how we'd overcome each obstacle, frustrating as they have been and on-going at a rate far higher than what could be ever considered typical.

Then I mentioned my dad and the request to write a bit about him.  And of all the marvelous aspects of quite an impressive human being--a most handsome gentleman, intelligent, calm, loyal, faithful, patient kind, tremendous smile and sense of humor, solid Christian, WWII veteran, great provider and protector of his family, excellent golfer, man of many long-time friends as well as always new friends--I had been thinking of his drinking problem.  Alcohol had a tremendous grip on his existence.

At age 46 he quit drinking. I recall him calling me into his room and very seriously and quietly telling me he was sorry he had a drinking problem, and he was stopping.  He had joined Alcoholic's Anonymous.  He showed me a small coin he was given with AA on it, plus showed me the Serenity Prayer, and he told me he was never going to have a drink of alcohol ever again.  He never did.

The problem was nothing we ever discussed outside our family and never discussed it with him--we children did not.  We all had prayed, though --aunts, uncles, my mother, grandmother, and we children.  He just stopped it--quietly, resolutely, and forever.  Never another drop did he drink.

I told my daughter during our ceiling-work rest break that I had stopped my negative thoughts upon waking as well as my struggles of wanting to be out of all this work, this hardship, this overwhelming task of what I'd gotten myself into:  a real estate mess of a house mess.  

I added that perhaps someday the grandson would come to a point in his life in which he had a major decision to make or some personal dilemma or issue within, affecting his life and attitude.  Maybe he would think of me and remember how I persevered, how I changed my attitude, how I did what I could with what I had, including with severe pain.

There is progress when we can look at some aspect of the past and find strength in what otherwise could be viewed as negative.  I have two siblings who see the negative of their childhoods often enough, and the negative remains yet.  My own thoughts have been negative far too long, and I am convinced that since the Lord had my will die and replaced it with HIs, He also has shown me that my mind is in the way of His Mind.

I suppose I had hoped that He would replace my thoughts with His Thoughts in some easier way than my having to simply stop my thoughts--the negative ones to being with.  The ones that rile against the physical pain and desire death or desire to not have to face the work load here, to have it easier, to be rid of the burdens.

But no, progress requires perseverance and sometimes just stopping something we are doing, thinking, feeling.  Just stopping it, telling ourselves "No!  Knock it off!"  Change the thoughts or shove them away, and do a major God-pivot.  Frequently in the midst of obstacles on the tongue-in-groove ceiling project, I would pray within for help in figuring out how to get the wrong-gauge nails from being jammed in the trim nailer gun.  

Or I'd ask Him for help with a ceiling board that would not go in, and another and another would not, either.  My daughter figured out the problem!  The Lord answered the prayer by utilizing her ability to solve the issue!  And then I'd lose some tool in the mess in here, amidst my rising pain level which always fights for space and power in my brain--and I'd pray asking Child Jesus to help me find the lost object.  And then praise Him when it would be found.

Those are little, every-day God-pivots.  But the major one has brought the greatest progression and shift in my soul, and that is of the thought alteration.  The thoughts are gradually (and with effort, though, for God is not going to sprinkle magic dust in my brain any more than He had the death of my will be painless) shifting to positive, and each morning it is easier already to not at all have negative thoughts first thing, or wish daylight had not come and I could somehow be on the other side, out of my suffering body.

When my daughter admitted that she hoped, deep down, that I could finish this place she explained that it would be so amazing and would prove other people wrong--people she said who doubted it could be done, that I could actually do it.  
I shared with her the day I went outside so wanting to be away from it all, and I asked the Lord if I should just bail out of all this--and His voice said to me, quite clearly:  "What miracle would there be in that?"

It is true, there would be no miracle in that.  Nor would there be any miracle or God-pivot if I did not simply stop my own thoughts and allow God to have sway and dominion over my mind.  Why bother asking Him to replace my thoughts with His Thoughts if I am not going to clear space in my mind for Him?  How could He possibly get a Word in edgewise if I make no room for Him in my mental "inn"?

What miracle would there have been--and indeed what lasting legacy of human strength and life-altering perseverance--had my dad not stopped drinking?  Remembering that aspect of his life and the particular turning point is what has augmented my own determination to simply stop the negative awakening thoughts and the discouraging and despairing thoughts about being stuck in such hardship.

I had to confess to my daughter that the most difficult part of stopping my negative thoughts are when the pain rises; that is when I tend to lose a grip on it all.  She said that is to be expected, for how could that be easy?  And it is not, and yet it was not easy for my dad to stop a habit that is actually physiologically and psychologically ingrained, involving brain chemistry (new research on dopamine levels being low) and emotional hurts and how such can become quite addictive.

But, the Lord steps in, always.  As soon as we pray for spiritual progress, as soon as we are shown and are able to see for ourselves some aspect that would be better, would bring us closer to Him even if we mis-see it more as temporal improvement--the Lord provides the strength necessary for the progression to commence, for the God-pivot to be successful.

We have no idea how the Lord will utilize the legacy of whatever God-pivots we make in our lives nor of how many or which people might be affected for the better--even long after we are freed from our mortal bodies.

There is a chain-reaction, though, of circumstances and effects once we begin.  I could sense it with my daughter and grandson--the shift the Lord is providing within me is affecting them.  The cousin who wrote back did not realize that my sharing of what some might consider negative was quite positive, and that I no longer need to be considered in terms of sorrow and tough situations one after another.  

I can see that when my thoughts begin to be replaced with God's Thoughts, and I am increasingly freed of my old thoughts, that it will take awhile for others to become comfortable with and used to the God-pivot effects.   They might need to shift, themselves, for their way of relating with me will change.  Those who can, will.   It is a form of letting go of ourselves as "possessions."  For what we possess can often possess us, and that includes ways of being and perceiving.

God bless His Real Presence in us! Little children, we are; and little children progress and grow, from one phase to another, cyclically, in love of one another and of God above all things.

Catholic Hermit: A Smiley Face

The grandson did FaceTime this morning.  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit had been up for a couple hours, hooking up sprinkler and soaker hose, drinking the morning glass of Green Glory (greens and fruit, blended), and waiting for meds to tame the outrageous physical pain.  Today a spinal headache was brewing.

The grandson has had his ups and downs with attitude for awhile--most days wonderful but for whatever reasons on other days can wake up with quite a nasty mood in motion.  He's a highly gifted child which is not all that others may think.  Gifted children can pose challenges for the best of parents.  He's an adult mind and intellect stuffed into a nine-year-old boy's body, replete with that age's emotions and energy.

Anyway, he was showing me all the latest around their home, recently moved into and enjoying.  He demonstrated how he has taught the darling Bull Terrier (Target advertising mascot type) to ride on the longboard (which belongs to the boy's mother, in fact).  He went through some new magic tricks.  My, he's fast-fingered and good at sleight-of-hand  We had a little ukulele recital.  Then he showed something he'd made the other day.

It was a large, round, head-size smiley face, bright yellow, taped and stapled onto a wooden ruler.

What a great idea!  He said he saw it on Pinterest (online site people can join that has more creative ideas than a person could attempt in several lifetimes).  The grandson then made a new version, in front of the camera so I could watch.   This smiley face was so gleeful that there were tears of laughter and joy taped onto the huge, yellow, paper circle.

I commented that I could use one of those, for sure!

Yes, the liver area of the lower right back has been giving me the dickens.  My thoughts have not at all been God's Thoughts nor His Mind, other than with some counsel given to a young woman who called last evening with some concerns. (This morning I realized how thankful to have the over half a doctorate in clinical psychology, including courses in sexual counseling and root issues).  That along with God's Mind helping to clarify for the young woman that what she was somewhat hesitant at first to discuss, of a sexual issue, is not a sin.  No, she does not have to be concerned in that regard.

So at least I know due to the essence of the words spoken, the counsel given, that God's Mind had come to the rescue in that conversation.  I later discerned his continuing some thoughts in re-emphasizing and also reassuring me that I'd delivered the thoughts accordingly.

But the other thoughts that are mine, all mine, need to be replaced with His Thoughts, His Mind.

I am struggling with being here, with all in the temporal aspects of any progress in finishing the hermitage, to make it more livable, to even get the kitchen re-installed, or any help at all with anything--not happening.  The hopes of selling and departing to are rather dashed.  The Lord seems to be focusing in on this Nine S:  Stability.

So this hermit must settle in and accept the status quo.  Mostly the manual labor is going toward weeding and watering.  At this stage of my thoughts struggling some against His Will, I admit to not being at all enthusiastic.  My praises are enforced efforts.  

The other night, from a distance, I could hear some people laughing--dining outside, I think.  Their laughter was in stark contrast to my pulled down visage, all the more hanging from my leaning over, weeding.  So I did a few forced laughs--what I call "Laugh Therapy."  I did not even bother to count out ten laughs; maybe there were five or six stiff guffaws.  At least that bit of silliness got me smiling at the weeds!  Kinda fun, even.

I'm considering giving a hermit monk nearby, a call.  While from a different sphere of Catholicism, perhaps a jump-start and meeting of minds, hermit-to-hermit, could do some good.  He had kindly retrieved me when needing a lift back from the ER a couple weeks ago, as there were no others to call upon with any positive results.  

We'd talked some about the news I'd had then.  Now the news seems to be altered, and oddly (but mystics would understand in a flash) has made me kind of frowny-faced. More so, it seems the Lord is hindering all manner of help which is needed if I am to get many tasks done here, requiring a second set of hands and some added lifting strength.

I wrote to my spiritual father (director) yesterday, that without anyone to assist in some of the critical tasks remaining, and with indeterminate glitches and delays on the kitchen,  I won't be able to "get the damn house done" and am struggling to get to the spiritual writing.  Perhaps this little glimpse into how much is needed of His Mind replacing my mind, counts as a consecrated Catholic hermit's spiritual writing?

Back to the hermit monk, perhaps if Fr. P. could bolster in praying for the specific requests this hermit has, of which the main one is the crucial plea that God replace my mind and thoughts and ideas, with His Mind--full time, totally.  And maybe even my fellow hermit would at least be one to understand the oddity of thinking the Lord was readying to pluck me out of the temporal--other than He certainly blocked all means of wrapping up my temporal affairs, as is said.

In the meantime, while all my paper supplies (and nearly all other household and clothing, pans, dry goods) are packed away and have been for over three years, and I don't have any yellow paper available, I am going to mentally consider that I have a bright smiley face stapled onto a wood ruler, and I am wearing it today.

Maybe that creative craft project that the grandson introduced this morning from miles away, over the internet's FaceTime visual capacity, is God's idea, indeed.

God Bless His Real Presence in us.  Little children, let us love one another as Jesus loves us.  

Catholic Hermit Hit with Challenges!

Just when I thought energy was returning and thumb looking good, and getting back into work mode here at the hermitage...obstacles presented themselves.

Late last night, in the dark here, when trying to fall to sleep on this mattress, the mind had a startling thought.  Are the wall outlets in the bathroom, nearly finished, going to be in right positions when I install the cabinets?  I had been so concerned with the plumbing drain pipe locations that I'd forgotten to check the wall outlets.

Months ago I had called the electrician as I was concerned the outlet on the right of what would be one of the two sinks, was not far enough from sink and would interfere with the mirror placement.  He convinced me it would be all right.  But since the issues with Lowe's over the bad cabinets and having them replaced, it was discovered the initial employee had also sold kitchen height bathroom cabinets, not bathroom height.  With vessel sinks it is more critical to have the lower bathroom height, anyway.

But the bathroom height cabinets did not offer the 30" wide drawer base unit.  So I had to get a 24" wide drawer base.  And, suddenly, last night in the dark, I realized that while it worked out all right for the existing plumbing coming from wall, it might not work for the outlets above where the counter will be.

I got the flashlight and went into the bathroom, and sure enough the outlet box is not in proper position.  I was awake in the night trying to figure out various options without having to take out the drywall!  I had spent a couple weeks working on finishing the walls to professional standards.  An idea came that I could go through the kitchen wall which adjoins that bathroom wall. But is there enough electrical wiring "give" so that I could move the outlets?  Were there any other options with the cabinets?

But this morning I checked the other outlet, and it needs to be moved, also, for the left vanity sink.  The electrician cut it too close with the positioning of these, for sure.  Each needs to be moved six inches--one to right and one to left.

I talked with him this morning.  He is booked up for a long time, he says.  I asked if he'd consider giving up a day of his weekend to do this favor and help me--after he said for me not to cut the drywall as he has a special tool that will cause less damage than a manual, drywall cutter knife.  Plus there is the risk of damaging wires--and, the wires as installed may not allow for the movement necessary.  They are tight in, stapled to studs.

I had been writing in the night to a long-time friend, using some computer messaging thing.  I'm not tech savvy.  This morning I mistakenly sent a long message to the adult daughter who recently renewed contact.  I don't even know if in the long message there was any reference that was complaining, as I also was trying to decide if this was enough to just let me decide God wants me to bail out of this whole situation.  Perhaps I wrote of the obstacle of even trying to get furniture and boxes out of pole barn where the daughter and son-in-law had stacked things a year ago this winter--injuring her elbow with what is going to be life problem, in the process.

So I sent messages that I would no longer be using the message capability and to please email me.  She had read my outlet and drywall woes and obviously my thoughts of bailing out or staying, and of where I'd go, anyway?  The Lord has not made anything clear whatsoever.

Amazingly, the emotions with the outlet troubles (that was the only room even near finished and with drywall completed, walls primed and painted, light fixtures in!) did not register with reaction as they would have prior to the death of my will.  I know I was frustrated with my intellect--thoughts trying to figure out options to solve the problem and also to discern if God was saying enough of struggling with all this work load here!

But I had realized this morning that I must remain in the present moment, and do what needed to be done today, which is to continue watering and also to gather up pruning clippings to be burned either today or some day in the burn pile.  Thus, I started the watering routine, hooking up soaker hoses and setting the sprinkler and moving it from time to time.  I then soaked the thumb as I'm to do twice a day and change the dressing.

This day the wound looked worse again!  I had been wondering if all the splinter had come out, or if the joint itself was going to be affected longer.  At this, admittedly the thoughts became discouraged.  I knew they were my thoughts, not God's thoughts.  Yet, the present moment was immediately shifted to wondering if I needed to return to the emergency room.  

And the thoughts tried to take hold that all this is not what I need to be doing, all this work--right after what I think are God's thoughts came to me in a peace-bearing fashion, to simply keep going, to keep at it, that what matters in my life is the praying for my soul and prayers for other souls, with whatever work just a means to pass time while praying.

Another thought came, this time probably my angel's thought flashings.  Remember yesterday when you were inspired by Hildegard of Bingen's vision of the angels, and how she reminded that we get so distracted that we miss out on reality of angels about us, helping us?  And remember how the angels teach us by their example that we are to praise God--and strive to praise Him continuously?  And remember how you [me] had resolved to start practicing praising God, striving to do so always, in all matters?

Well, yes, I did immediately remember.  And with that remembrance of just 24 hours earlier, came the thought which is from God's Mind, not my intellect that bungles and assumes wrongly, that of course I would be tested in my resolve to praise God.  The devil also could be allowed to creep into the scene, bringing chaos and confusions, dilemmas and obstacles to peace and to present moments.

It is rather stupendous realizing that within hours of my attitude being that of more inclined to God's Mind rather than my intellect in me, that all of a sudden I'd think about the outlets after all this time of the new cabinets being in that bathroom, even if not installed yet.  (And it is a good thing that I have not felt up to installing them, as it turns out.)  It is awe-inspiring that a series of events including this little left thumb, could march into line, each taking a turn at trying to get a reaction counter to peace, to equanimity of spirit and resolve. 

And of course, had I been praising God in each of many little events in the night and morning?  While I did not have the old-my-will reactions, I still very much have way too much of my own intellect.  Having one's intellect be replaced by God's is just as much a real process involving some suffering and earth time, as does the death of one's will.

But I do know that I have struck upon a symphonic chord of holy proportions with the resolve to praise God as do the angels, attaining to the continuous praise of Him in all matters.  Yes, I emphasize "attaining to", for it will come through awareness, practice and grace.  

The thumb has simmered down again.  It is looking better since soaking it.  I will praise God for all that is and for nothing that also is--which means praising Him for anything, everything--including the remains of my own intellect that gets me into bungles for now.  Eventually my intellect will be totally replaced with God's Mind.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children let us love praising God and love praising Him above all things, and love praising Him that we can love others as ourselves!