I've been trying to keep going, to simply keep going. I have tried to endure the sickening nausea from pain radiating through, or if I try to eat something of which most then makes me nauseated but I never quite know what or when or how much; it varies depending on whatever the pain and stomach allows. The on-going high heat has made me very ill with pain, but praise be to God I found out that there is pressure associated with heat, so that is what is causing the nerve pain to be exacerbated. I now have hope in God that when cooler weather eventually arrives, I might be able to be out of bed more.
I admit that such suffering, on going, has caused a depletion in the spirits, with desolation near at hand and heart. I wonder if Jesus will have broad acceptance of my lack luster suffering, my wasting time distracting via stupid stuff online that takes my mind far away from the pain--as much as it can be taken from it? And I pray He accepts my chagrin and apologies for no longer having the zeal to suffer well and heroically as I did years ago when the suffering was more fresh, and the death experience recent, and I was sure that God would have me do great things for Him in the world, via suffering, and I would help many people cope with their suffering as well.
How naive and gauche I was--how impudent and I suppose even prideful thinking such lofty thoughts when I did not have any idea how much suffering was to come and for how long, and what it meant when I was told that the pain would worsen with age. I had no clue as to what that would entail and simply thought with the energy and zeal of deeper conversion and incredible numinous experiences freshly given me--that I could keep up that level of joy in suffering and glorifying God with good attitude and be an inspiration to my then young children, and achieve for God and others much good!
Now I drag through this existence, adding on whatever temporal such as one pup who was so lonely and sad when I'd be ill in bed and unable to exercise her, so added on another to keep one another entertained and happy, but who would force me to get up out of bed during the day to take them out for their bathroom duties, to feed them, to when cool enough and I'm well enough take them on short walks for as long as my legs and feet will remain functioning. Rather than giving up all for the sake of Christ, I've added on two sweet creatures to help keep me going physically and emotionally and mentally, I've a new laptop when the other died out which as I mentioned, I waste time on dumb stuff, mindless practically, of bits of news and whatever else--films now and then--that take the mind from this sickening pained body, out and away, and yet I recall little to nothing of what content distracted me. Just whatever works to help take me from the worst of the suffering so that I can keep going, and then I use it as prayer and praise that another night has come and sleep arrives, and then whatever in the morning whether able to be out of bed and doing some manual labor of minor extent, or remain in bed other than taking the pups outside for their bathroom needs now and then,
I will say that my now adult children and other family members and friends have burned out from the helpless and hopeless constancy of this pain, and nothing to be done with it--so Christ's Words from Scripture have proven so true--no where to resit my head--not really rest--and my family has moved on, so as Jesus said--daughter against mother, son against mother, lives have moved on but the one who has died to this body and much to the world remains in a bed in a room in a house none of which matters, and all is done in effort to keep going, to simply keep going until Jesus comes back to take me with Him.
I pray when I pray--consciously I hope I pray--and subconsciously I pray I pray, and deep within His Real Presence despite my mind and emotions and body not praying in any formal or informal sense--I pray I am praying. Even in the dumb stuff I think about--memories and people past and present and those who are to come--I pray whatever it is that I'm thinking or watching or hearing or doing be it doing nothing or taking the dogs outside for a few minutes--I pray God accepts it all as my heart-effort even if I'm not feeling very loving or pleasing or focused on effort in prayer. May my breathing and nausea and depression and tears and missing not hearing from family and what they are doing--all be prayer and even praise to and of God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit: the Trinity!
I'm worn out, and the sweet supernatural experiences are of the past it seems, other than now and then a surprise touch of visit and/or grace from His Real Presence, or a bilocation visit to someone in which God acts through me with love and comfort for that person--none of it is me. None of any good or holy is me at all, and this is part of the detachment and dying to self that comes and is good to grasp--I am nothing and God is ALL.
And it is not just words such as what I read God spoke to Catherine of Siena or words God has spoken to me in different terms in the past. It is TRUTH--I am nothing. I am already dead, as if dead, with my nauseated body of pain yet here, and my mouth talking if someone is on the phone or I have a new high school boy stop by to do a little work, or I have a rare request to take a grandchild to the airport or out to dinner if parents are away.
I speak and smile and ask and listen, and love every minute of what could be normalcy if not for all the pain I'm masking, even with the pain pump helping and oral meds helping. Then I yap and distract and explain why I am yapping to distract when I begin to tire and cannot mask the pain as well, and know that for the next day or two or three I'll be laid up more; but it's worth all the suffering added on for the brief interchange and time with a loved one or even a kid hired to help for a few hours now and then. I push the body to keep going knowing I can collapse afterward without thinking about how awful and demoralizing is that suffering to come.
So I cannot say that I have given up and away all things, for I have more recently had to accumulate such as the dogs and remodeling materials--whatever it takes to force myself to try to keep going. I signed the pups each up for a once-a-week puppy class, one one day and the other the other day, for an hour. I'm to practice with them on the training lessons, but the last two days I've been way too ill to begin to practice anything. Ill with pain, that's all.
I ought to tell the dog class instructor that my reason for signing Love and Mercy up for their respective classes for six weeks, is to make myself try to get out, to go to the Petsmart as the pups love going and intermingling with the other pups, and I can see the other pups and their people, and even if I do not absorb what the instructor is teaching, we have little booklets I can refer to later on. Maybe I will need to sign up again and repeat--but that does not matter as the point is to just force this body of mine to keep going, to try to keep moving and get out once a week to be around positive persons and God's innocent and sweet creatures of all shapes, sizes, and breeds.
So at this point in my life existence, I'm simply trying to set up whatever will force me to keep going. I'm striving to make it to a natural death of which Jesus comes back to take me with Him and will likely be some autoimmune disease since Arachnoiditis itself does not kill the person who has it. Being a neurological and severe pain disorder, the autoimmune system is depleted over time, and this is why the sinus infections I get about annually and sonetimes twice last a long time, and antibiotics seem to have little effect, and why I get extremely ill, more than what is normal.
Suicide is the main cause if death for people with arachnoiditis, and without a support network, it makes it all the more challenging to keep going, to simply keep going. And I'm not even paralyzed yet! All this up and down to take the pups outside and feed them twice a day, and walk to kitchen to get them treats once or twice a day--which they so love and get so excited--that is to help prolong the paralysis from taking over the legs, the feet and the bladder and intestines. I don't want to die other than by God's choosing and Jesus' coming to get me to take me with Him.
However, one never knows and can but trust in God to give the strength needed to endure sickening pain and nausea from pain, and the mental and emotional strain and drain that high levels of constant pain place upon the human body, mind, and heart. So am I suffering well for souls and for the ills of Holy Mother Church? Am I suffering prayerfully and utilizing time in bed by doing good, holy reading?
Have I been doing holy writing or even writing of substantive spiritual experiences in which I share how REAL is GOD? No, I have not been doing great things for God and others--but I keep trying. I keep trying to use all God gives me still to do better. I desire to write what will be helpful to others spiritually and in life. I desire to be in union with God. I desire to inspire and uplift others--but I tend to mess up on that desire, and I do not follow through on retaining what I read of Scripture; the pain of Arachnoiditis creates interference in focus for reading and much else.
I let the mind drift on dumb stuff at times, to escape the intensity of pain or doze off in pain fatigue which happens often. Then I get very down on myself for not having done much of anything for God or others in my life. And then I pray that His Real Presence understands and forgives me! And I remind myself that maybe suffering is enough, that suffering--my suffering being made one with the sufferings of Holy Mother Church--is all I'm to be "doing", and in that, I really do nothing but allow my body to be utilized by God however He wills.
I am so thankful for the intrathecal pain pump releasing Hydromorphone constantly and the oral pain meds I can take as needed off and on in the days and nights depending on how much the neck and upper back are hurting, or the lumbar worse than usual. I take anti-nausea med which sometimes helps, but not always nor much.
So I feel not at all as detached as such as Peter Damian and other hermits write and lived. I'm praying to be able to have help enough and my body able to push through more and better when the weather cools, if that's the problem--the heat--and finish this house so I can sell it to have and maybe make a little bit on it which was the hope and plan so I could better pay for nursing help when that time comes sooner than later.
I realize now had I gotten a nearly new home, it would have escalated in value without the cost of materials and hiring helpers who more often than not took advantage plus did terrible work that had to be re-done. But then, I'd not have been forced also to get up and do manual labor with a newer home in which no work was needed. Perhaps I'd already be paralyzed, and I'd not have met workers--even the reprobates for whom I'm to pray into perpetuity.
Yet I surely do agree with what Peter Damian writes (and he did later become a bishop--appointed--and the committee of men who decides such matters in more recent times decided he'd be also named a "Doctor of the Church." (I've expressed how unnecessary are so many made up additions of titles and classifications in Christ's Church which has become increasingly that of humankind and not as Christ desired and was His Ideal of His Church of Himself as Head and all of His followers as His Body. Yes, that was to be His Church.
But we will have that in Heaven; we will--and I hope me, too, if I persevere and pray to detach more from temporal stuff and focus more on His Real Presence and suffering well and with loving, purposeful offering and not the despairing struggles of which I battle daily now. Yet each day we get through which is a difficult battle, perhaps the effort and faith given for such endurance is pleasing to God and meritorious for His will and purpose of our suffering and pain. I can only hope this is the case and in the meantime continue praying in whatever way this praying is and to beg Jesus to help me get through to the end of natural life to a natural death.
Each day and night express my love for Him and my love for all others, and be thankful for the little gifts that to me seem huge--like some time spent with a grandson, or seeing a pearl necklace my late aunt had given me when I was a child--saw that my granddaughter wore it for her 8th-grade school photo! And I managed to get a sapphire ring packaged, that my late dad had purchased for my mother (now deceased 18 years) in 1986 to cheer her as she had been depressed over what had happened to my marriage and body; was even before the first back surgery which gave me the Arachnoiditis. I got the ring within that package to the post office and mailed for the elder granddaughter's 16th birthday! Who ever knew the granddaughter would be born in August with sapphire birthstone? Or, here's a delightful gift from God--a cabinet is being delivered to the house, part of the master bath remodeling, on-going. Home Depot is not charging me for these cabinet deliveries! What a blessing and gift from God through people!
All these are prayers and praises, blessings and interactions directly from and by and with His Real Presence! As is the increasing suffering a prayer, praise, blessing, and interaction directly from, by, with--and in His Real Presence! The high school boy who came for a few hours and wants to come again--who does lifting for me and likes to learn new skills such as installing windows, doors and door handles, who is 16 years old and his mother died when he was 11, and he's never known his dad--gift and interaction spiritually from God, and opportunity for me to pray for him and praise his efforts and pay him money that he'll need to buy a used car next year. All these aspects go on and on and the list becomes lengthy!
Perhaps the utter detachment comes when I accept the pain and suffering as it rules my life to be nothing to God's All. That might be more detaching than giving up temporal objects like the tools I still use to try to finish the house renovations, or are in many ways more detachment than getting pups to force me to get the body up and mobilized physically to try to prolong paralysis. I do desire--pray-- to detach from my upset and sorrows thinking about letting go of my family, and understanding that they need space and freedom to live their lives with their families, with all the responsibilities involved, and to not be a reminder to them of the ongoing pain with it's hopeless helplessness others feel when around me or thinking of me.
Well, a long update not that it is necessary or even desired by anyone who reads this blog. But it's part of my spiritual journey, step by step, and the honesty of my pain ennui and miserable not-suffering with nobility or zeal. It's down to the grind, more--and to pray and praise in the grind, that's this phase.
“ Receive a hundred times more now in this present age ” (Mk 10:30)
We should live detached from our possessions and our own will if we would be followers of him who had “nowhere to rest his head” (Lk 9:58) and who came “not to do his own will but he will of the one who sent him” (Jn 6:38) (...) We already know by experience what the Truth promised to whoever forsakes everything and follows him: “he will receive a hundred times more now (...) and eternal life in the age to come” (Mk 10:30). Indeed, the gift of a hundred times more sustains us on the journey and possession of eternal life will be our joy for ever in our heavenly homeland. But what does this hundred times more mean? Briefly, the consolations of the Spirit, sweet as honey, his visits and his first fruits. It is the witness of our conscience, the happy and joyful expectation of the righteous; it is the remembrance of God's overwhelming goodness and, in truth, the greatness of his sweetness. Those who have had experience of these gifts have no need for anyone to tell them about them. And as for those who do not have it, who could describe it in plain words?
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