(I don't even remember such events any more, other than when I read what I wrote some time later and have some recall. Life continues on, and thoughts and suffering and situations so many that unusual occurrences spiritually come and go, as well, and blend with the entirety of being brought through this endless corridor, this passageway which is life, and through the mystic portal into God Himself. But the following is something that occurred on Pentecost a year ago, and one that I'll post in a day or two is more a discussion of "mystic annihilation.")
The Holy Spirit descends upon the Virgin Mary and the Apostles on Pentecost.
I wrote to Dr. McGinn again. I know temporally and out of respect I should not. He is busy and there is nothing others can really do for mystics when they get to a point of passing through the mystic portal, out of the temporal other than bodily remain very temporal. The pain lets one know, and the bodily effort and energy to manage pain plus also to be for others what is going to take energy to relate, mostly listen, and learn not to discuss one's own life for it is incomprehensible to others.
All the more this is true once passed through. One must be firm with oneself, and yet there is still need or so it seems, to try to make contact. I suppose this is how it is with those who pass over from this temporal life in their physical deaths; they still want to try to reach out to those in the temporal, those loved ones or those whom God has them, through the Holy Spirit--the Spirit of God Himself--to reach out to those on earth. It all takes energy.
So I reached out from this perspective upon waking, of the immensity of the annihilation involved when passed through the mystic portal. I'm in a phase that must be like those who have physically died but have not quite adapted fully to having crossed the think veil between temporal life and the mystical life that stretches on in various levels and degrees. But I have not physically crossed through the mystic portal, obviously.
I guess I figure Dr. McGinn is maybe the only one on earth who knows in broad scholarship, writing, and theology of Christian mysticism. Perhaps he would connect with what I am trying to share or express this Pentecost morning, when I know I've passed through the mystic portal but not fully aware nor adapted, and wanting someone to know the immense annihilation!
Annihilation this is! Annihilation it takes, is required, when one passes through the mystic portal while yet temporally in body, alive on earth but dead in all other respects as far as understanding or connectedness by others--real connectedness. It is going to be one-sided, of which I must not attempt to really answer what is going on in my life, but to be fully other-relating, which is of course loving and as God wills, for that is how God always is with us.
We cannot fathom God nor know him, not really, and yet He still gives himself to us, listening to our lives, being in relationship with us despite our not grasping His Life other than in external ways mostly, of what we externally know of God as Jesus. We still cannot grasp Jesus' feelings, God's feelings, His experience of annihilation and of total sacrifice for us human beings.
This is what I emailed. I must learn to not try to reach out to him; he probably already considers me with skepticism although I know he does try to refrain from judging others' "mystical graces" as he calls them. But I must learn to write my thoughts and experiences and feelings on this blog without emailing or trying to explain to others, no mater how much they have written and grasp of much of the lives of Christian mystics and the attributes. Theirs is from a scholarly dissection and summation of traits, types of mystical experiences and ways of mystics' lives as they are lived and share commonalities in certain categories. All this information direly helpful, of course!
I suppose in future I can pretend I'm writing to Dr. McGinn; but actually, who understands mystics better than God--or better, the Trinity all Three? So I need to write to the Godhead, the Trinity and not bother Dr. McGinn although I'm sure he uses the delete button judiciously so.
It is Pentecost, and the Holy Spirit is taking me through the Mystic Portal.
It is total annihilation of self, of all personhood and purpose in the temporal Church and otherwise in the temporal existence except what energy I may have for listening and mostly not commenting of what is others temporal view of life, God, daily trials, careers, etc.
There can be much written about mystics, but there is no way to capture the immolation of which some, such as myself, are called.
There may be what others call mystical "graces" or "gifts", but these graces/gifts require a responsibility, something that God wants and needs the mystic to do or react in some way
involving the temporal and/or spiritual realms. Even in bilocation, there are needs that God wants the mystic to react and do even if awareness of situations of strangers in other countries or even time periods, to pray if not to "do" something in mediation and intervention "actively"' yet in mystical ways.
So it is not "fun", per se. The life is one of immense suffering at all levels, depending upon the extent of the extreme aspect to which a mystic is created, asked, called by God of which it must be in full agreement, full offering, no matter the suffering involved of which when the mystic fully gives out of immense love of God and of being able to "see" or be "shown" the great need of humanity and God's desiring of the mystic to serve, to be an immolation of His will and love--the mystic does not even realize what the suffering will entail. That comes later and is pervasive including dying to relationships temporal, dying to utilization in the temporal church, dying to one's very self in all aspects to the point that physical death is far easier and joyfully glorious. (I know, I died and God sent me back to rear my children and fulfill my mission--His mission for me.)
For those such as Hildegarde (wonderful mentor of living as bride of Christ and the temporal aspects of her life not the dour and external austerity of other religious), she had a mission including being utilized by the temporal church, who wanted her insights and prophetic voice even in her lifetime.
I'm assuming there are others, more prevalent, whose lives included such sufferings of annihilation as to be as dead while yet alive.
This is like being buried alive, this annihilation, and there is no means in scholarship to capture the reality of the suffering involved. The more that is given (in mystical "graces") the more that is expected of the mystic. And God's purview is not at all as man's view.
Total annihilation comes with the passing through the mystic portal. No one knows what to expect or how it is to exist in this manner, for not even what one writes is deemed acceptable nor utilizable in the temporal. I suppose there are no words, and no connection can be, in any actuality, of a mystic passed through yet still bodily in the temporal for the tremendous physical and other pain lets the mystic know every moment that it is yet bodily temporal--no connection of understanding by others, and thus no real acceptability other than the energy it takes for a mystic to play the part of always being the one to relate with those temporal when and if they make contact and have needs and wants. The more the mystic is also a victim soul, the needs and wants others might have of the person they do not perceive at all as a mystic, are few due to the mystic's sufferings being such that cannot produce, even if the mystic at times pushes the body beyond human limits--which also then stands out as odd to others.
The longing for God is all the greater, thus. Solus Deus.
Pentecost. The Spirit of God present in our temporal existences. Thank God.
But total annihilation of self and all connection of any real, substantive or essence of knowing or understanding of the mystic is not. It is all one-way in which the mystic must
with energy needed to return to temporal relating when others want or need.
This is how it is for souls on the other side to have to use so much energy, need so much energy, to whirr down to temporal energy much lower than on the other side, in order to manifest such as in corporeal vision and speak as in locutions to humans. I literally could "hear" the whirring sound of a soul on the other side of whom I'd asked a question in the night, who in the morning then kindly or perhaps God asked of it to manifest to me and tell me a message I needed in response to my impudent question. That soul was John of the Cross, and he told me "You are self-righteous." I had been impudently asking my late spiritual da many questions, and he grew weary with me and said why don't you ask John of the Cross yourself? I was thrilled with what John of the Cross said.
But it is exhausting for them, so I asked them all to please no go to the trouble as I knew how much energy it physically, in physics, for these souls/beings to manifest from their high level of light and thought and beingness to whirr down to our gross level. I said I would try to be more sensitive and aware, to pick up their messages and lessons and whatever is asked of me for God, without their needing to manifest visually and aurally or in touch or other sensory ways.
So more annihilation. Annihilation at all levels. Only great love that comes from God to the soul and the soul then has that great love to desire to agree to anything at all the Beloved asks of it, to love back with God's love, to love back to His Real Presence. But this is all in human terms: annihilation.
[first name: nothing, henceforth]
No comments:
Post a Comment