Early this morning came a text from the (new) spiritual father, the hermit-priest. It was a quote from St. Francis of Paoli. Memories of being in Austria visiting a priest whom my son and I had sacrificed soda pop and what was for us rare times eating at Burger King on two-for-one coupons--saved whatever we could from my low income, in order to send money to help him get through seminary in India. After my parents passed and left my elder sisters and myself their hard-earned money and savings, the then priest, Fr., stationed in Europe, invited me to visit. That was a massive undertaking but the pain not as it is now in comparison. Much about that experience I could write about. It was truncated after a bizarre ordeal with a demoniac woman and a lung ailment; but prior to that bizarre incident, Fr. took me to various monasteries in Wein area, and one happened to have a statue of St. Francis of Paola--and it happened to be on April 2--the saint's date of death and Feast Day! God is so good to us!
And while I realized that Fr. was not fully "plugged in" to his priestly life and duties in his small parish, he evidently did not realize the joy of giving one's all, for many of the priests in the area lived similarly, not offering confession time other than appointment. But what I suppose grieved me most was his leaving out part of the Mass readings at Mass, shortening it, and of not interested in added reading but more interested in computers. So be it. We lost contact over the years.
(And I do recognize that often I am not fully "plugged in" to my life in Christ, or so it seems to me in my own self-examination of which I pray to be my own worst critic. May the Lord help me to have all prongs in the "spiritual socket" and to keep them there!)
But I will not forget his kindness in showing me the area, and I would go into the inner city of Wien, where I found St. Peter's Church not far from St. Stephen's Cathedral, and at St. Peter's Church I happened to meet a priest. Fr. M., who was from Austria but reared and through seminary in the United States. He was among the Opus Dei, and the Opus Dei priests staffed St. Peter's, and it was a thriving, alive parish, with the sacraments offered daily, such as confession, and several daily masses, with people there in great numbers, hungry for the Faith!
I have quite an amazing situation of which I ought to write at some point, that occurred during the couple of weeks there, which included another prong of that trip, of being in Giens, France, where I had the demoniac encounter most horrific, but the prayers of the priest I happened to meet on a train, who happened to be the priest in St. Peters, Vienna, saved my life. But for another time, when my mind, heart, and soul feel capable of going back into that horrific ordeal, but to share the miraculous ways God lines up persons and situations in our lives, to redound in His glory and power and love of us in every detail of our daily lives.
This morning's text from the spiritual father, now, here, brings the memories of Fr. hosting me, and despite his not being very excited about spending time in the monasteries--he nonetheless gave much of himself in being the very best host, and I was so grateful. I'd taken him what I thought he'd love--a rare, old volume from my spiritual library; but his disappointment or perhaps better word, "ennui" with it, gave me a better idea, for he was most fascinated by my small, 9" Apple laptop.
I ended up telling him that I could tell the book was not his "thing," and gave him the laptop as a thank you gift for his hosting me. He leapt to get the book and handed it back to me. He was elated over my gifting him my laptop, came alive with eagerness, and made no waste of time driving us to an Apple store where I paid to have the laptop cleared of all my personal effects, and adapted to his needs.
It was for me a rather significant detachment and major gift expenditure, but the Lord loves a cheerful giver, and I realized I ought accept and love Fr. where he "is" in his spiritual life, although on the way to the airport, when I was quite ill from what I caught when in the terrible ordeal with the demoniac in south of France, I did suggest to the young priest, the good of pouring ourselves out for Christ and His Church.
So I tried, and that is all we can do. We keep praying, and we also can re-check and examine our own spiritual lives. We have phases of lesser than greater focus in our spiritual effort and grace; even now, I pray for more focus on the spiritual, to have my identity in God alone, solus Deus, and to be "fully charged" with all prongs in the socket of His Real Presence, so to speak.
From St. Francis of Paoli:
"Fix your minds on the passion of our Lord Jesus Christ. Inflamed with love for us, He came down from Heaven to redeem us. For our sake He endured all torment of body and soul and shrank from no bodily pain. He Himself gave us our example of perfect patience and love. We, then, are to be patient in adversity."
I'm grateful to my spiritual father for his always focusing me on Christ Jesus. I texted back some thoughts to which he responded: Yes! Amen!
"I find Him in my pain. Who chooses, who accepts, who decides, other than Jesus? Who's law but God's law of Love?"
This is the truth and of Whom I am beholden above all others and all else. It will be fascinating to discover if the temporal laws even if of the Church, will align with God's law, of God's having chosen me as His hermit. I think the worst effect for me is of having so many flashbacks of times in the past, when I was not hidden and in God's protective custody, His solitary confinement, and when my mystic little self could not pass unnoticed during Mass in the other place, or when the Lord showed me things that I finally had to point out in order to avoid serious wrong that was going to occur.
But my mystic self, of which it is rather an affliction--is being born a mystic--in the temporal world of our times, was "outed" though not by my preference; my "cover" blown, and word spread among priests who reacted defensively, of which who could blame them? We are yet quite human, and along with parishioners, what is not understood or who or what seems outside the norm, is by human nature suspect and threatening.
We thus become conformed more to Jesus Christ who shows us the way, the truth, and the life. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." This is for all of us. We truly do not know what we are doing, but only in the Lord do we have forgiveness and grace.
Being an Illegal Catholic hermit seems comfortable and good. I think of St. Peter and St. Paul in chains; they are best of company in the prison population. What approval is better than the Lord's? Yet still, will be good to find out if the temporal good of Church law intends aligns with what God chose in me as His hermit, and who also chose me to become a Catholic so many years ago. I think my greatest concern is that of losing the delight of nothingness, as I am His nothing, His poor, gray dove. What the Lord Himself tells us over the years, with the content of the messages not altering in intent and purpose, even if the words, the adjectives vary, stays with us as if branded within our minds, hearts, and souls.
Thus I prefer hiddenness; I am comforted and secure in God's protective custody, in His solitary confinement. I suppose that element of concern that CL603 could disrupt that if a bishop prefers added ceremony or a Mass, or would want to publicize or announce, or have more exposure than nothingness and obscurity. I also have observed in CL603 hermits--not just the one--that there is an element of pride that can creep in, or even overtly jump in, and the externals and promotion, even self-promotion, becomes a part of what I always need reminding, myself--that it is but a temporal vocation, an earthly vehicle intended to aid the soul's progression. Our reality, our identity, is always to be Jesus Christ and Him Crucified.
Being an Illegal Catholic Hermit thus has more appeal, more goodness in various considerations. It is that of being a prisoner of the Lord, and an outcast of sorts as to any hint of prideful "who-ness" of being a somebody as opposed to being a nobody, a nothing. The Lord used to call me His nothing, and even when I'd refer to myself as nothing, I would be criticized. I realize now of course the devil would not like that appellation from the Lord, for the devil prefers narcissism and pride.
I review now and then the DSM (diagnostic manual that clinical psychologist and psychiatrists use in treating patients with mental and psyche disorders and illness) in order to remind myself of how personality disorders can take root and expand in the course of lifetimes. The review is a type of self-examen, of reminding myself of traits to guard against and avoid their creeping in.
For the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I noticed the tendency of persons having low self-esteem, and of a need to feel superior over others, to have control over others, and of bullying behavior and obsessive criticism of others, of picking apart other persons over a period of time. They put down others, even manipulatively so (but probably not consciously for narcissists truly believe themselves superior) in order to keep themselves, in their own view with hope they are impressing others, as being important.
All the more, reviewing such disorders is reminder to me to remove myself from such types, and even more so, to guard against my being tempted to enter into anything even remotely approaching such behavior, to not react nor respond, and to pray for and embrace humility, and to only hold loving thoughts and prayers for others. I must keep my focus on Jesus Christ and Him Crucified, and to only have Christ be my identity, no matter what other identities even His Church has developed in the form of vocations, or in canon laws, or in new institutes or other categories.
While positive, lovely, and canonically legal to have defined and temporal vehicles of consecration in the Church, the overriding and eternal consecration remains in Christ, in Christ's life and in His Real Presence. All others must be kept in their lesser positions, as a means to greater good, yes, but not ultimate, not the eternal best of our identities being in God, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit. When the temporal good aligns with the spiritual and God's best, that is glorious! But if for any reason not aligning, one must trust in the Lord above all else, even princes, as God's will is beyond man's understanding and ways.
I realize the Lord is asking of me to commit myself to His will no matter what occurs or unfolds in the temporal, even in the temporal of His glorious Church on earth, of which He is the Head. He wants my allegiance, if I need to chose, to be Himself always: God eternally my one-and-only even if His Church His Head and the Church the Body. Not that it would ever be necessary, such as Joan of Arc had to choose God's voice and mystical reality over what the temporal Church and men of God thought and wanted of her in a recantation. She remained true and suffered unto blood, suffered unto death by burning at the stake--her cross, with Christ.
God bless His Real Presence in us! St. Francis of Paoli, St. Joan of Arc, pray for us!
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