Been awake--not up--since a bit after 3 a.m. I thought of the Cistercians who awaken about at that hour, for Lauds (dawn prayer, Office of Readings). I prayed to hang on, physically with the severe pain and reviewed in my mind the vow of consecration of suffering. Then I read the Mass Scriptures for this sixth Sunday in Ordinary time. I focused on Jesus' living word: "Let your yes be yes, and your no be no."
Then my mind and heart settled in with St. Paul's first letter to the people of Corinth. St. Paul makes much sense, for he captures the ways of humanity. Some are able to perceive in ways beyond what some are able to perceive. Some who are in Christ tend to grasp the nuances and the hiddenness, the underlying messages of truth, the mysterium tremendum of the Holy Spirit.
Others tend to be more adept at navigating the temporal aspects of this present world and not so much of the spiritual or supernatural realities. Just as it is, and St. Paul acknowledges this of the variety of types, of human people and their differing ways of perceiving and comprehending the world and His Real Presence.
Amidst prayers and pondering, of taking Scripture into my mind, heart, and soul as a spiritual practice in the couple hours or so that my body suffered so very much, I read and researched what Jesus means regarding our yes meaning yes and our no meaning no (Mt. 5:37). He teaches, also, in light of vows and oaths, of not being frivolous but of being genuine and seriously purposeful, and that he did not come to abolish laws but to actually fulfill them. When we give our "yes," when we agree to something such as an offering or vow, we ought commit ourselves fully to God in what we intend and agree to.
Then, in the yet wee hours, I read about and did a bit of research of the rare condition called Treacher's Collins Syndrome, and of the children born with this condition in which facial bones and ears are either missing or configured in such a way as to create a deformity which can affect hearing, breathing, eating, and speaking. All else is intact--the brain functions and the rest of the body, the emotional capabilities, and of course, the soul. Much of the plight of such persons born with this syndrome, after various surgeries to help them survive and physically function, have to do with the emotional aspects of appearing to be very different than other people.
Thus I considered the reality of people who are deemed "different." And this difference can be external, of which the plight is of being stared at, bullied, and asked invasive questions, and of living their entire lives with always appearing different to others and the effects the outer appearances have on socialization and acceptance; but I also considered those people who are born "different" on the inside, in ways not so visible yet discernible all the same, once others get to know the person and expect the person to be "normal" interiorly.
This latter--being different on the inside, mentally or emotionally or even spiritually--can be painfully difficult to manage due to the delayed reaction or the trouble the person him- or herself has in recognizing being interiorly quite different, for they have no visual cues of which humans tend to rely upon, as grasping differences. There are no surgeries that will tend to help people who are interiorly different; and while there are some medications, treatments, and therapies for people who are mentally and emotionally different, there is nothing available to those who are spiritually different.
These latter must try to accept their not being "normal" in a deep, interior way, and try to navigate the world in a masked manner, or in a type of double life of what can be more superficial when in temporal interactions, yet able to be oneself fully within the interior, spiritual life that is acceptable to all that is of God, but not understood nor acceptable to most if not mostly all persons with whom the spiritually different interacts and knows.
The person born spiritually different--born "mystic"--can easily forget due to appearing to be normal even to him- or herself, must consistently learn how to relate outwardly with others, and that requires some guardedness or filtering of ones inner and true reality of all that is perceived and understood. This also requires charity to others, in accepting and recognizing within, that others are not grasping and tend not able to despite their sometimes nodding or seemingly giving cues that they are understanding if the mystic lessens the filters and allows the actual self to be revealed.
While both those who are exteriorly and interiorly different, and while the exteriorly different and the mentally and emotionally interiorly different do tend to have family, society, medical community, and even churches support, the spiritually interiorly different tend not to have familial, societal, medical community, or church support. In fact, there is yet misunderstanding and scrutiny of mystics in and by these sectors, and especially scrutiny within the spiritual, church community.
I thus came to yet again, considering my hermit profession and vows and rule of life, as well as my vow of consecration to suffering. While the Lord has accepted and has been quite pleased over the years with my offerings and my strivings in living my "yes" to Him, perhaps I have gotten the "yes" to Him confused as a "yes" in other aspects and to other foci. While Christ is the Head of His Church and we are the Body, Christ is God's Son and co-equal with God as is the Holy Spirit. When I professed and avowed and was consecrated to Christ, to God, to the Holy Spirit--is God superior or over and above, over all, to and of His Church?
It seems a distinction the Lord needs me to ponder and to recognize. Perhaps I ought update and modify my vow of consecration of suffering, and to reconsider to Whom my profession and vow and rule of life are intended and made, above all else. Then my focus might be more clear, and no matter what transpires of the more temporal aspects, or of His Church compared to God Himself. Thus, what is of higher order of precedence, of my purpose, of my fiat and deserving of all my love? What does God desire, as well as what does His Church desire and teach? It is allegiance, love, and obedience first and foremost to His Real Presence: Father, Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.
I think it time to consider myself as God considers me, in this temporal albeit holy vocation and being within His Church--the eremitic vocation: I am not actually an illegal or a legal hermit. I am not a CL603 diocese hermit. What is God's? I am God's. I am God's hermit. My profession and vow were made to God; my rule of life was given and lived (to my best means by His grace) to and for God. My vow of consecration to suffering was given and made to God. While my suffering may and hopefully in God helps in various ways God's Church and those in Christ's Body the Church, my suffering is offered to God as an immolation for His will and purposes.
My eremitic vow, while the purpose is praise of God and prayer for the salvation of the world, the benefits to the Church are secondary to God being primary--and the primary purpose of, for my hermit vocation. My life is dedicated to praising God, to praying to God for the world, in living as Christ albeit hidden in Christ, and of being a silent preaching of Christ to the world. Thus, I am God's hermit, Christ's hermit, the Holy Spirit's hermit. I am consecrated in suffering to God, to Christ, to the Holy Spirit.
In closing on this post of various considerations, St. Paul's sensible, didactic expression shines through like the sun, now late afternoon, after showers, overcast, wind and chill of night and morning hours.
"Brothers and sisters: We speak a wisdom to those who are mature, not a wisdom of this age, nor of the rulers of this age who are passing away. Rather, we speak God's wisdom, mysterious, hidden, which God predetermined before the ages for our glory, and which none of the rulers of this age knew; for if they had known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.
"But as it is written: 'What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him,' this God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit scrutinizes everything, even the depths of God." ~ I Cor. 2:6-10
God bless His Real Presence in us! Praise Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
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