One of the final words the new spiritual father, the hermit-priest, said to me as we parted Monday afternoon after meeting and discussing, and praying for God to bless the encounter and whatever next, were to "come to a peace" or something close to that. Was of seeking and encountering peace, and I found this so of the Holy Spirit, for peace is the very gift of the Holy Spirit and the bequeathing of Christ that so often I myself recognized is wanting, especially when the suffering becomes quite rough.
I did hear back in a text from Dr. H. last night, following my most lengthy texts written to him regarding the proposal to form our own group based upon the book The Power of Eight, and to try the formulaic procedure (what to me seems gimmicky in certain ways, and "new age," for those who are opposed to Christianity in their lives and personal relationship, faith in Christ Jesus). Dr. H. said he was working 12-hour days so could not read all I wrote, but hoped to on the weekend and to be in touch via phone then.
I texted back to not bother to read all I wrote, but that I knew for me, was not my path--not a power of eight group, nor power of seven, nor even of two--but that I know all my thoughts and texting, my research on the author and her writings and experiments, was good for me as the Lord needs me to more fully accept the power of pain, and to trust what I've been shown and told over the years mystically and spiritually, and in circumstances. Also, that I must stop complaining of my pain.
But that, yes, we can touch base on the weekend. Perhaps on the phone I can try to explain once more, why it is that I know the Lord is not choosing for me a great release from physical pain, and why I've come to learn that pain is not the enemy; suffering is not the enemy. Of course, we want for ourselves and others less suffering and all goodness of the temporal world; on this day of praying for the protection and legal rights of humans in the womb and those elderly at risk of euthanasia, we want a relief of suffering and pain, of murder of innocents.
Whether we pray or we focus "intent" for the good of mankind and of souls, there is a good in people banding together in goodness and concern for one another. But when we read in Scripture the words of Jesus, saying "Where two are three are gathered," Jesus very much includes "gathered in My Name," and in other wording, "in the Name of the Father" or "calling upon the Holy Spirit" regarding prayers of the faithful, of us human souls who know Jesus Christ personally, who have faith in God, who experience the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
But all my lengthy text messages, delving deeply into various facets of this situation that arose--ironically in juxtaposition of a most unexpected and spiritually rich encounter with my new spiritual director, the hermit-priest--came this proposal that is more for people who have no faith in Christ, or if they do, may not trust the power of a single prayer, or even have come to accept suffering if it be God's will, or in all of life, to desire only God's will, to be in the Divine Will, and to have surrendered ourselves fully to Divine Providence.
This situation regarding the Power of Eight experiments seems now more something the Lord wanted me to dissect, to consider, to write out from my inner mind and heart, to try yet again to explain to the kindly and caring Dr. H., but more so for myself, why it is that when offered an experiment of this type, I balk; and instead I choose to accept the pain of over 35 years.
Yet, also, why do I accept the pain medication which tones down the pain somewhat--not much but enough to help my body temporally cope--or that I am fine with the pain doctor beginning the process of an intrathecal pain pump which will require some suffering of its own in a 3-4 hour surgery, even if my body responds well to an external trial, and the reality of needing a replacement in 5-7 years should I yet be alive?
Why, years ago did I offer myself and all my sufferings to God to use as He wills? Why was my mind and heart and soul inflamed and inspired to write out a vow of consecration of suffering 20 years ago this February 13, of which various priests have witnessed in my verbal renewal of this vow, over the years?
Why is it that even though Dr. H. witnessed and also asked questions regarding my suffering and pain, of God Himself in a rare and unusual mystical occurrence in June, 1988, and received answers from God and other holy ones on the other side, from heaven, which Dr. H. tape recorded and suggested I transcribe, which I did--that Dr. H. was not affected by those answers, and doesn't even remember specifics? Why does it seem my added mystical experiences, the locutions and events of which I've shared with him over the phone, seem not to have impact in him, so that he continues to think in terms of finding some method or technique that would cause the pain my body suffers, to go away or be alleviated?
Why is it that we humans are looking for what we think is new, or a formulaic experiment or process that will bring about results from the use of our focused minds, or scientific hypotheses and modalities, despite supernal and mystical encounters with God and His saints, angels, and our own loved ones on the other side, in heaven or in progression toward heaven?
Why are so many people opposed to the word "prayer" or to Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit, or anything to do with what they call "organized religion"?
Again, why would I accept pain over trying a seemingly simple, formulaic experiment of 8 people focusing their minds in loving intent for my pain to go away while looking at a photo or image of myself, for ten minutes at the same time each day, for fourteen days--that a writer has devised and tried out in experiments regardless their adherence to strict norms of research but with some varied yet some positive results, and called The Power of Eight?
The Lord has helped me sort through the thoughts and questions. For one thing, I have deep faith and believe in Jesus Christ, and over the years I have come to trust in God's will regardless what I or others may think would have been a much more productive life, what would have been better at least on the external aspects for my now-adult children, and as some have said over the years--thinking of what all I could have done had I not been disabled by pain.
I also recognize yet again, that I can write of and verbally share with others the locutions, visions, mystical encounters, ecstasies during Mass, and various encounters with God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, angels and saints, holy souls passed on, and my death experience--but repeatedly and over 35 years and even before then, it is as if the persons reading or listening may seem as if understanding and taking it in, they really cannot absorb or fathom, nor even remember.
This reality helps me understand why so many people do not read the Scriptures with the same absorption or faith, or do not participate in Mass with grasping and experiencing the supernatural realities of the living God, Christ, and Holy Spirit. It is why so many Catholics and others in the various Christian denominations and worship groupings, do not have a real and internalized relationship with the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary.
It is as it is. But for those of us who have been touched deeply, who have been born mystics or who in life have experienced even one numinous, mystical event that alters our way of perceiving the temporal and the spiritual worlds, or for those with the gift of faith and to the degree of even blind faith in God, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit--we grasp, we fathom, we have capacity to understand some and even more that God may reveal to us. We pray with increasing love of God in Himself and God's love for others as well as ourselves.
We can read the lives of the Christian mystics and the words and experiences and teachings of prophets, saints, of Jesus Christ, Son of God, and of the Holy Spirit, the Third Person of the Trinity--and we have no difficulty trusting and understanding that of course, this is truth. We don't need to have science prove an existence of Noah's ark, or have metaphysical or mythological thinkers come up with alternative explanations of Jonah three days in the belly of a large fish or whale, or that Job not a real, historical person.
Yet, we are not bothered if such explanations and discussions are posited. Our inner sight, our inner grasp, our inner understanding and acceptance does not require logical explanations or proofs. We have been touched by not only the finger of God, but by the Living Word, the numinous of the Holy Spirit, the reality of Jesus Christ, Son of God and the God-Man. The virgin birth by the power of the Holy Spirit, the reason for Jesus' life among us, the sacrificial death on the cross for reparation of our sins and for the salvation of all mankind, the resurrection and ascension of Christ, the conversion of St. Paul, the visions and locutions of St. John on the island of Patmos, written in what now is the Book of Revelation--and so much more, reaching back into the Old Testament--does not phase us nor need scholarly proofs or debate.
The reality of the real presence of Christ's Body and Blood in the Eucharist, transformed from bread and wine in the Consecration of the Mass, the supernatural reality of the Mass itself, from beginning to end, of the Living Word of God proclaimed, of all the sacraments present and inherent in the Mass, the sending forth of our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls out into the world to witness to the power and love of God--all these realities need no shrouding of terms and words to be more palatable or believable to those who have not yet been touched spiritually, or who have not that blind faith of many who may live their entire lives without a numinous, mystical experience.
Essentially, to simplify, for these and lesser reasons, I can accept pain in this life. At this time in my later years, perhaps my last decade, I do not have a burning desire to participate in prayer intention focusing which is not called prayer, or has certain set rubrics in order to "work". I am more interested in conversions and deeper conversions, of being in the Divine Will, of seeking and participating in Divine Union, of awaiting the consummation of my mystical marriage with Christ--the glorious wedding and reception having mystically but oh-so-real, occurred one night in September, 2012.
I may attempt, if Dr. H. calls this weekend, to yet again explain the reality not only supernaturally but as it reaches into the temporal, of the years of mystical experiences, and why it is that somehow, I go more with them than I do with temporal attempts to remove pain that over time I have come to understand as having merit and of being productive, of being reparative, and of even as a title could be called The Power of Pain. (This title, written in this blog, constitutes a trademarked name! Ha ha! But it qualifies the four words as a temporal groundwork of trademark--oh, my. As if God cares of the banality of that, and as if people would desire a book of that title!)
A marvel, it is, that somehow I was inspired within to include in my vow of consecration of suffering (equally not a best-seller of idea or written vow that people would clamor to repeat to God for themselves), that if I have options presented to me, I would choose the path of greater suffering. Well, choosing to accept pain over participating in a power of eight group experiment, and to choose a surgically installed pain pump which will be another physical ordeal, does seem to be choosing a path of greater suffering.
And I don't even know from whence or why that offering came to me to be included in various other aspects of a vow of suffering--or why even a vow of consecration to suffer at all? Yet, I recall the intensity within, and the praying over it for quite awhile, and the discerning of the offering with my late spiritual father, who lived over 99 years and was a priest going on 73 years of that long life.
So be it. I accept this pain and the various other forms of pain and suffering of which humans experience in this temporal life. I accept them on behalf of Christ and His Church, and I offer them to Christ and His Church, for all the reasons and purposes temporal and spiritual which are written out in probably ad nauseam detail. It's all from my mind, heart, and soul, even if my body, thoughts, and emotions yet struggle with suffering, sometimes a lot, and complain--in this temporal life God has given me for however more earth time He wills.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
[An angel of God did tell me in an early morning approaching while I yet slept, reminding me of how hurtful it could be that I used the author's name and seemingly was rather harsh regarding the quasi-research and experimentation, the claims made, the developing of and marketing for monetary gain of what the writer calls the power of eight. So I did remove the name, and I hope in God that I did emphasize the good of what the person intends, the genuine zeal and passion of the person. But of course, my path is the narrow path, and is of Christ, prayer, praise of God, and love of God in Himself and love of all souls as God loves each of us. I reminded myself that I do love the writer whom I do not personally know, but that my path is not of that other.]
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