One of my recent decisions went very well. It is something I can do for another, so am doing it. Nothing required of me physically in that decision--opportunity to love and give without expectation of anything in return. Of course, the situation is one in which there is a major sacrifice involved, but it is nothing to me, quite easy and an honor and joy; the other insists on a return in time.
But the second decision I was praying about and made, ended up not simply nor well. But obviously God's will in the outcome.
I've had a terrible time for quite some time, in being able to overcome the pain enough to want to get up and remain up, to try to walk, do, be more physically mobile. This is not at all like me; I've always been able to push myself. But I'm realizing that the circumstances generally have been that I was forced to push myself.
When I had Agnus Dei Hermitage about 14 years ago and then for six years, I was forced to settle in; I chose to save money and "bond" with the place by painting all the rooms, primer, walls two coats, ceilings, caulk the trim, and paint trim. Took me seven weeks of working at it, while the dwelling still under construction but at the point of needing interior painting done. Would drive there after Mass and paint and pray away the hours!
Obviously, it was a push for my body and pain, but the pain less than now of course. However, it seemed good for me to invest myself in the silence of solitude, within that dwelling, work and pray, and save a little money by not having the contractor sub-out the painting job.
The next venture was nearly seven years ago, in which I had to move (suggested by sheriff deputies) as I had a mentally ill neighbor situation, in which the person had become obsessed to the point that the sheriff deputies insisted I get a protective order; it was running out. Thus they suggested would be best if I could move, for in the two years of the order, the neighbor had not improved--obsession worse, and obviously not on meds for it. I was alone, of course, and the neighbor had a spouse and adult son living there, complicating the threats.
So I ended up moving, but got into a situation in which I was duped by realtor, inspector, and first contractor--recommended by the realtor.... These things can happen! Took 5 1/2 years of gutting the dwelling and re-doing from the studs up. Had to learn to do the bulk of it myself, as it was the only way to be able to sell it finished, or be in quite the dubious financial plight for the rest of my life. I laughingly could say I was needing to get back my "nursing home money." (In these times, hermits likely will end up in nursing facilities when age and health totally fails; and hermits are responsible for their own livelihoods and finances.)
Thus, Te Deum Hermitage was a veritable construction zone for the 5 1/2 years. It took so long for the renovation due to my pain situation. Even so, my late spiritual father was convinced (and I, also) that angels were helping me. It was all rather miraculous as it turned out beautifully. However, it was the horror that I'd allowed myself to be duped, and thoughts of how hard my late parents had worked all their lives, and left some money for their three adult children; it was their hard-earned money involved, and I prayed I could make reparation, of sorts. It was that massive construction project and learning skills I'd never had to learn previously, that forced me up after the pain sieges, or after the injuries or illnesses. Just kept at it, praying and with much encouragement from others! And of course, I did have to hire some things done, but the Lord brought a couple very good and honest workers, plus some teen lads along the way as carpenter and plumber helpers!
So here I am now, somehow trying to decide if a dog would be good to help me be forced to be active, to get up, to be forced to take it for walks two times a day (which is the safest exercise for my spine now and might help the intestines). And I did get a dog a few days ago--a small breed of two types--King Charles Cavalier Spaniel and Bichon Frise. Named him Bruno (after the saintly Carthusian). The woman who breeds the pups said she'd given him a treatment for giardia--of which I'd not heard of--but that if he had any diarrhea, it was due to nerves of leaving his mother and the bath she'd given him that morning.
Well, Bruno was loving, happy, quick to learn--but the diarrhea continued...and also worsened. I had him well on his way to know to go to the door, even learning to ring a bell I'd hung from handle. He knew to get in his little bed, and the two nights he was here in Solus Deus Hermitage, he did cry, but the second night would have been much better had his diarrhea not gotten to a point that he had cramps and urges often. We spent two nights pretty much without sleep, and the second night with my taking him outside but with Bruno not making it in time.
With a small breed--would get to be 15 pounds at most--I realized that the added bending (although I had good exercise with legs doing the squatting and spine as straight as I could when bending down) was not good. It would have been entirely different had I not been sold a very sick puppy that required added bending, lifting, cleaning up unavoidable accidents due to his being ill.
I texted the woman; she wondered if he would get dehydrated. Well, he could, and thus I was concerned about that in the night when finally he did quiet down, and we got two hours of sleep. But I started to research giardia, and an adult daughter knew some about it, also. Not good; and the more I texted the seller, I realized she was doing her own doctoring of her animals at her home "kennel." For one thing, was it even giardia--as it could be Parvo virus or distemper, or any number of parasites or bacteria. But if giardia, that is contagious to the other dogs there, and can be transmitted to humans. The conditions have to be such, but this was becoming a very "wrong" situation.
I knew it could take a week to ten days of treatment--not guesswork medication, but knowing what was the ailment for sure. And if giardia, Bruno would have symptoms for a month or two, and could take a long time for his injured intestines to heal. The woman offered to come get him, as I said I was myself becoming exhausted due to his being a sick little pup, needing help. She planned to pick him and and bring him back maybe in a week.... The more I researched, I knew that since his siblings had it, also, whatever it is, that he can just be reinfected, if giardia, even after a treatment. Her facilities needed to be disinfected, and the other pups and possibly parent dogs, were ill as well.
Decided this was not going to be my pet "enforcer." Thinking about a larger breed and one that is healthy from the get-go! Veterinarian involved with the process, the seller not doing own--of which some breeders are able to do, but are experienced and if a problem would not be foolhardy with sick dogs. Not try to deceive or downplay initially or even later.
However, I can so honestly express that the decision to have a pet, or even to consider it, has been most difficult for me. I feel as if I'm side-stepping or back-stepping in my hermit life. While a pet does not talk, is mainly silent other than perhaps a bark now and then, it is another "presence" in the hermitage, more than a plant, for example, as is active and requiring interaction.
And that is the point of why I am considering a pet--to force me to have to get up, walk, let it out, plug myself into more physical mobility, something other than "self" to have responsibility, that I could not avoid "doing," making myself do for a creature. Yet, the creature would be "doing" for me, in that "enforcer" aspect. This is the first time in my life that I've not been able to self-motivate, but that is due to the pain level being such, that my mind is not able force my body up and pushing itself. Pathetic, yes, I am!
I have viewed this situation with self-chastising candor. My eyes are open, my mind and emotions honest and then some, critical to the tiniest of fault and or even the shame, of sorts, that somehow I have not been able to overcome pain enough and whatever else included (of which I have thoughts of the various aspects of my situation). I've even asked myself and a couple others: Is it even right and moral for me to "use an innocent creature of God" to help me be forced to get up, to have to take it for walks that I myself very much need to be forced to do myself. Or to have a pet so I'd be forced to get up, be disciplined in training a pet, to tend to its needs, to give it attention, be firm when necessary, and of course crate train, as I need time to read and write and pray, go to Mass (as I did this morning).
The couple or so others with whom I've discussed this decision, respond that a pet can be very good in various ways, and that there are people who specifically need service animals to do the very thing that I'm not seemingly at this point, able to do with this level of pain over mind, pain over body. And, there is the aspect of which I ask myself, and have been candid with the couple or so others: Have I come to a point in which somehow I am so detached that I'd not have much to give of self to even a creature?
Admittedly, I don't think my writing has been that beneficial to others. My spiritual reading has been difficult to persevere with the pain as it is. Nothing other really requires my attention enough to get up and force self through pain in ways that are good in other ways in dealing with the pain. Then there are the statistics of how a pet can reduce the "perception" of pain by 16% or more; and that the interaction can do for a chronic pain patient, the types of aspects I have come to see that would be beneficial. But the statistics aren't factoring in a consecrated Catholic hermit of 20 years, yet one with chronic pain, at a point post operative in which mobility is important.
But honestly, it is startling to me, that never before have I ever not been able to self-motivate an mobilize the body to the extent that has been on-going for awhile now.
As for a hermit with pet or pets, yes, of course there are hermits with pets. I know of publicly professed (CL603) diocese hermits with pets, of privately professed hermits with pets, and hermits of history who had pets--usually ones which gravitated to them or somehow involved in their lives and became rather amazing if the hermit happened to be quite evolved in holiness. So it is not that hermits are not to have pets; but there are many who do not have them. To me, not having a pet has seemed more the ideal of hermit solitary life.
I consider the very name of this hermitage: Solus Deus. God alone! Seems simple enough, straight-forward enough. Alone! Alone with God! However, I'm in a dilemma, in a situation, in which a pet might be what the Lord is offering me as a possible help via one of His humble, living creatures. Perhaps this is one such situation that my desired level of living a higher ideal, I myself must humbly accept I will not attain at least not for awhile.
Have I become too complacent in the utter solitude? Have I become selfish rather than selfless? And then consider, yes, I must, that I must relearn some aspect of giving, of sacrificing, of tending, of being responsible to even a creature, have something dependent upon me. And yet that creature silent, not like spending time with people as some hermits do more than I--of which I am not at all critical. It is just a reality that some do socialize and participate in activities in parishes and communities. We are all living our hermit vocations as we are able, in whatever phases and levels and degrees, and in recognition that we are in process, and that there can be progression, movement, motility to more austere to less, to more silence of solitude to adjusting that when or if necessary.
At some point, unless we are taken by God in our sleep or run over by a truck, or keel over with a heart attack, we consecrated Catholic hermits will have to spend whatever time before we die, in a nursing facility of some sort with aides and nurses in and out, people all about day and night! Or we will be taken in by friends or family to be tended, and have to go with the flow of other persons needs and schedules, until we take our last breaths. This is the reality of contemporary Catholic hermits.
Another question regarding hermits and pets, is if the hermit can afford to care-take a creature responsibly. Is there enough income for occasional veterinarian needs and care? Is there a safe living area--such as fenced area so that the creature will not be injured or killed in accident, or not be a problem for the likely neighbors around, or if the hermit is in an apartment, is the breed such that is a good apartment-type pet?
Is the hermit able to tend the pet, such as when the hermit is ill to an extent such as severe enough--pneumonia, perhaps, or some type of surgery in which boarding or hiring someone (an extern!) to come in and tend the pet, let it out, feed it if the hermit too ill to get out of bed? These are considerations. Also, is it right for a hermit to spend money on pet food and the like, instead of giving that money to some charity that helps humans?
Or, is there a good in taking care of the non-human creatures, the domesticated animals around us? What if the hermit (which might be my case or situation) would benefit such as from a type of "therapy" or "service" animal, such as those who might have PTSD (can't think of this as a hermit-ailment, but then again, we cannot judge what types of ailments may come up in a hermit's life later on, or along the hermit vocation way)? Or, there can be the case of hermits--which might be the bulk of those with pets--a pet for some purpose including health benefit or physical aid, but more so as rodent hunters or the like.
What for me, seems an unnecessary or perhaps wrongful reason for a hermit in having a pet, is that of wanting a pet to fill in for some emotional "need" or psychological "deprivation" in which a hermit might transfer onto a pet, an attachment or want some type of unhealthy dependency. (I'm simply examining all the aspects that come to me; and in this one, I suppose it could be pointed out that even in an unnecessary or wrongful reason, that the hermit will learn through these experiences, and learning is always a good process in progressing our souls within our temporal-spiritual, consecrated eremitic vocation.)
I have found a pup that is healthy, not ready until the Presentation of Our Lord (Candlemas), and will be a larger dog when full grown. I have allergies, so it is hypoallergenic, non-shedding, parents mellow, but will be more active and require more walking than the sick little Bruno. However, being larger, I will not have to bend down to pick it up to put on a leash, or to have it as dependent upon its owner as a small breed, more the lapdog type. One additional aspect, though, would be need of underground fence in back, as my hermitage is in a neighborhood with association requirements; regardless, I would never want to have a pet wandering in other person's yards.
I still am uncertain, for a big part of me is so used to total solitude and not having any responsibilities other than in prayer and the occasional text or emailed message, and obviously I am even too content in the quiet, in being in bed where my body is truly most "comfortable" pain wise (although I've explained this is not best for my body nor for ultimate pain management to be so immobilized). I also consider that I might not have it in me physically to keep up with the couple of weeks of potential all-nighters now and then, although I am able to sustain for awhile, and am often up in the night, anyway, as bodily pain is not always so easy to sleep through.
I consider that my daily horarium would have to be adjusted to include more walking, and the dog would need to be crate trained as I hope in God to be able to go to some weekday Mass or two--the weekend Masses are too long for me to sit through. I'd need the dog to be in its crate or on its "spot" or "bed" to nap or stay, and at those time periods would be my prayer and spiritual reading times. This means that my schedule at least for a good while, would need to revolve around the pet's schedule and needs. If I'd be in prayer or spiritual reading, I'd need to stop to take the dog outside for bathroom needs. I would need to establish morning and late afternoon walks, or a long walk once a day. If I am physically laid up, I'd need to hire a child to walk the dog, or, if the yard gets fenced, of course, the pet could be outside on its own.
There may be other aspects to consider regarding hermits and pets. My writing tends to be more stream-of-consciousness than structured and organized! As it is.
I suppose my main consideration at this point is if my body can truly manage with a pet around, and if I can die to myself enough to want a creature in the hermitage with me. Can I sacrifice myself in that regard? It is so easy currently! And indeed, it might be too easy--yes, quite easy for me to remain mostly in bed; my mind uncannily unable to make myself direct and overcome the body's wanting to do nothing but give in to pain's desire to be comfortable and lax. Do nothing, lose ability to physically function much, let the pain affect bodily organs, rest as if in the arms of God--yet somehow sensing it is not time yet for me to be at this point....
I also wish that I was evolved enough, perhaps is the way to put it, to have such strength of mind and heart and soul over the physical, the senses, to be disciplined and structured enough to manage this high level of pain by supernatural grace and miraculous faith! Yes, perhaps my weakness is in faith. I was recalling Randall, the man who through more new age and "shamanism" breathing and focus, had the incredible experience of a miraculous healing--that he could transcend pain and work full time as an acupuncturist and new age/Eastern techniques healer, live fully physically active, tends 10 acres with something like close to 200 animals (livestock, chickens?), and has wife and two children.'
I do not do breathing technique meditation, nor move through the third, fourth, and fifth dimensions at will. I simply am here, a consecrated Catholic hermit, praying and praising God, and trying to live my vocation as best possible in the present moment, including my bodily pain and a strength of will that is for whatever reasons, in this phase unable to make the body do as it needs to do to gain strength and have a better chance of perhaps improving. Is a pet then, something to at least try again--a healthy one, not sick one, a larger one that won't require bending as much, and one that would be more independent?
The practical aspects would point to not attempting such a venture; what I am thinking of myself as a selfishness and maybe a developing complacency would say not to try it. I don't really "want" a pet for emotional reasons whatsoever. I don't want a pet for the added work or structure and discipline, for the sacrifice and selflessness required. For those reasons, though, breaking through these latter points, might be why a hermit such as myself, ought shake up the status quo. Perhaps I do need a "service" animal and simply accept I'm not going to be a hermit of the types that I so admire in the saints hermits!
Or, although I do not want to enter into any venture involving other humans or creatures, I realize that if such an undertaking of a hermit having a pet proves to be too difficult physically, the breed I have in mind is highly desirable, and I would know soon enough. Others would love a free puppy already housebroken and crate trained. A lay person could have a pet and become terminally ill, have an accident, lose a job, die suddenly, be unable to keep a pet and need to re-home it. That's life in the real world, but not what I'd ever want to be the case for hermit or others. Not fair to the creature!
So I pray for God to guide me in this decision that is now into another level of having found a pet, and stand to lose a deposit should the Lord show me realities that I may not be facing, or let me know that somehow He will infuse me with supernal ability to overcome the pain, push through, God alone! I would love that! Rescue me from myself and my mind-over-matter, pathetic plight!
In a separate, next post, I will share a selection by St. Anthony of Padua--a Sermon the saint gave for the Feast of St. John the Evangelist. It pertains a bit to some of my thoughts and the dilemma I face, of which it is good to ponder through such decisions, or so I believe it is a good process for a hermit to examine as thoroughly as possible, and then wait upon the Lord with a listening mind and heart.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Lord, have mercy on our souls.
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