This phase of reparation continues. Psalm 51--a line repeats in my thoughts over the past several days: My sins are ever before me. This is not in a morbid way, but there is a deep penetration of the knowledge and understanding of my imperfections. At times, a specific venial sin of the past will come to the conscious; the mortal sins, as far as I am aware, I've confessed and received forgiveness from God, absolution in the Sacrament, also.
This is a solemn period, an intentional process wrought by the Holy Spirit. I am grateful! I do wonder that I can love so deeply and yet do such wrongs. Perhaps it is the deep love that stirs what is unresolved, and prods my weaknesses in reactions. I am not even sure in the recent incident of hurtfulness, of which I can identify the wrong aspects and had done so--but not sure of the kernel, if just and right reaction to actions, or not. Perhaps I will not know for sure, until my passing over from this temporal life and world.
Yet my love for others continues very much so, and I admire the acquired virtues in the persons as well as what may be infused virtues--seemingly far greater and stronger in others than in myself. Part of this somber period of reparation includes my recognizing my weakness of will, weaknesses over the years in various virtues, of which prudence is a dominant starting point of my weaknesses in actions into wrong doings, into sins.
I have made full-life confessions in the Sacrament of Reconciliation; many of these wrongs that are resurfacing in this solemn time are from the past, a distant past, as if placing missing puzzle pieces into the vast schema of my life. For whatever reason, the Holy Spirit is bringing them forth to gaze upon and place appropriately in this or that time period, situation, vividly recalled in image and fact.
Even if absolved, now and then one will replay; I don't know if I "saw" them when making full confession of sins of my life, or were ones I had not consciously recalled in my examination of conscience. Regardless, they are being put in place; all is transparent in full forgiveness.
When our sins are washed away, perhaps it is that residue, molecules, are still somewhere for they did occur in actuality. What is the washing away, the effect of God's forgiving us our venial and mortal sins? We are to go forth, cleansed, renewed, reassured of His love for us. Perhaps it is that there is a satisfaction in the filling in of our lives, the puzzle pieces fitting properly in their places, given a new perspective and position of making us whole, the good and not so good forming a completion in Christ's loving acceptance of us as His own.
There will be more sins, even of the type of thoughts that flash so rapidly it is as if we cannot stop them before they have rapid fired, even if we arrest them immediately. If we can keep them at the level of arrested thoughts and not from taking form in action, that is at least something of better than worse.
I'm realizing how over the past many years, suffering and pain has formed me into the person I was not. The thought, the wishful thought, has come to me that when I pass from this life and am in (hope in God!) process of additional purification that (hope in God!) will lead me to eventual beatitude in God, to see Him face to face, to be purified so as to be unified in Him fully--that then those who knew me on earth will see me in a different light. That they will see me not as this person formed by pain and suffering in the negative aspects of the externals of pain.
Pain and suffering can form a soul into holiness. But pain and suffering can also bring to the fore in noxious ways, the vices, the tendencies of human nature that oppose the virtues. I know what these are in me; I had some of them prior to the years of pain and suffering, of which now comprise well over half my years on earth. But then I had better custody over the flawed tendencies. My now adult children do not remember me from before the trials of the great pain and sufferings in which the negative aspects of pain altered me as a person, and my flaws were closer at hand and more readily not kept in rein, not kept in custody.
I think these negative aspects are yet, and thus why the Lord has had to all the more instilled the call to hibernation, showed me how necessary to remain in His protective custody, lovingly chained now, however. And I fully see it and see why. I've had to admit that the pain and suffering while doing much good within my soul in the matter of infused virtues both theological and moral--well, that the acquired aspect of the moral virtues which also are attached to charity, are yet most difficult for me to maintain with the physical pain, ongoing and worsening.
Thus while strong souls would continue on, learning and growing and moving through their weaknesses amidst that which causes them occasional downfalls, I must admit my incapacities, my weakness of will, of soul. Time is of essence now, in the temporal; I must stay in hibernation mode in order to address the weaknesses, to keep myself from yet more sinning, to guard against the temptations that can come regardless, but at least are more manageable when I am in hibernation, under the watchful custody of God.
I just had a phone call. The dermatologist's receptionist reminded me of the appointment in two days. I was able, despite being still in bed with pain, to modulate my voice in a type of pleasantness, and graciously said I will be there. This, despite the very thought of having to get another Lyft ride, to sit and suffer the added pain, to probably converse quite a bit and be faced with the effort in that aspect of distracting from pain--I will need supernatural grace, help in custody over mind and spoken word. I must graciously accept the pain that will follow from the physical effort of that appointment, already put off, but now necessary due to the check up on the skin cancer excision last summer.
The Holy Spirit has brought to mind the many great qualities of a long time friend, of that person's incredibly strong, acquired moral virtues and no doubt infused moral virtues, as well. Marvelous! The person's ability to keep true custody of self is far more than ever the ability I've had from childhood on. Thoughts of other friends and family members, also, show me what strength of acquired moral virtues and the discipline and self-control included in what only God knows for sure, but what I can assume are their infused moral virtues--I am in awe of them!
Yet, I am among the others of us who are not at that level of perfection, not that we could not be, I realize. But for whatever reasons, such as various vices that are pernicious, we are yet learning and must continue placing the puzzle pieces as we discover them or are given them, to help fill in and to keep going, to simply keep going.
My reading efforts are slow. I admit my mind is not easily grasping the depth of Garrigou-Lagrange's thoughts albeit he is making it as clear and simplified as possible. It is that my mind has not been challenged in good reading for some time--over the past several years of manual labor and learning the temporal aspects of construction--carpentry, plumbing, electrical, drywall and finishing work. Yes, Jesus was a carpenter and historians add stone mason. (Yes, I had to work with stones, as well, in the past few years.)
I will persevere in the reading, though. I'm still in the beginning pages considering the length of this first of two volumes. In faith God will supply what is beneficial to my soul through the reading, despite the brain-injured head--oddly, how that portion of my skull is still sensorily painful when touched or rubbed. The supernatural end is the goal: to come to God, to see Him face to face, to be united in Him in beatitude, to have purification of our minds, hearts, and souls in order to be one with God. God in Himself--the Holy Trinity--will provide all that is needed for He desires union with us, to draw us unto and into Himself, in love.
Being formed in suffering has its positive aspects. Humility is one. Clutching onto Christ on the cross, and seeking and finding Him in the pain are others. Someone mentioned recently that Christ is clinging to that person, not that person clinging to Christ. I am sure it is both, but I'd not considered when I always see myself clinging to Christ, that He is as much clutching me to Himself, just as now He is keeping me in His protective custody, for my own good, for much other in human, temporal interaction is too much for me.
This, too, the humbling acceptance of utter weakness in the midst of desiring so much the infused virtues that lead to supernatural life in Christ, of loving God in Himself and loving others, is part of what is the reality: to be formed in suffering.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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