Very much pain today, especially upon waking. For second night, I have awakened in the wee hours, the pain needing help and time to pass before sleep came again. I made myself walk yesterday; I also tested standing a bit, without the brace, while putting together cranberries, apple, orange--sliced with manual chopper. Perhaps it was the standing without brace that caused the pain-sickness all day and even this evening.
Without testing out the potential, we do not learn what are the limits or boundaries which are able to expand and extend in the temporal world, to some degree or other, at least until a point, no more. In the supernatural, in the realm of spiritual graces, there are not limits to progression and growth other than the hindrances of attachment and sin.
So I'm learning from Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, more about the acquired moral virtues, the infused moral virtues, the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity, and of the various virtues' relationship and inter-relationship with the corresponding spiritual gifts of the Holy Spirit.
And now I am learning (more, being reminded for I have read in the past but not learned it as in fully, without needing more teaching and reminding, so am progressively "learn-ing") that docility of soul is necessary to free us from our moral defects.
Only by being docile to the inspirations of the spiritual gifts of the Holy Spirit can our souls free ourselves from certain moral defects (Three Ages of Interior Life, p.85). "The gifts of the Holy Ghost are given to all the just precisely to enable them to receive with docility these special inspirations, whose superhuman mode, that is at first latent, grows progressively more manifest if the soul is docile" (ibid., p. 85).
As to the will, St. John of the Cross holds firm that the purity of the will relies upon passive purifications, that is, the senses and the soul being purified of such moral and psychological impurities including outward vices as well as unconscious ones such as secret pride and egoism involving such as lack of detachment of spiritual goods. The good news is, there is a normal process in progress in the virtues through prayer and great humility (as St. Teresa of Avila points out).
Also, we are encouraged because St. John of the Cross also notes that passive purifications are part of the normal way of sanctity; the soul progresses further not only in purification of senses but also as God teaches and refreshes the soul in the way of the spirit, of infused contemplation. "St. John most certainly wished to note here not something accidental, but something that is produced normally in the way of sanctity when a soul that is truly docile to the Holy Ghost does not recoil in the face of trial" (ibid., p.88).
Where does this leave us? I am taking from this (and the section read in The Three Ages of the Interior Life) that I must focus on humility as a base, and desire for my soul to unite in God as summit. In between, since I've been given the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, I want to be more open to the needed benefits of wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, and piety, fortitude, and fear as well as their corresponding virtues of charity, faith, hope, prudence, and religion, religion, and temperance.
I want to more appreciate these gifts of the Holy Spirit by meditating on them in prayerful manner, and hopefully in God be raised to a point of contemplation of their grandeur as gifts from a most docile attitude and spiritual prostration, as possible, on my part. Since I've prayed sincerely for better grasp and utilization of wisdom, I am going to begin with that gift of the Holy Spirit, and will consider its corresponding virtue of charity.
Really, all this enters into a mystical order in which I ask to be shown hindrances remaining in my body, mind, heart, and soul, and ask for purification from the attachments and sins against charity. This is not usually a one-time-and-done proposition or situation. What I've been learning from reading is that even souls that have reached the unitive way or life, who are considered no longer to be proficients but of the perfected, can still progress further in charity through continued infused contemplation and ongoing docility to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit.
I realize I'm not explaining all or most aspects of this clearly or well. What I do know is that of humility and docility being requisite, and of being open to and cooperative with detachments as part of the purifying process--of senses (physical, temporal, matter) and of aspects (spiritual attachments) of my soul and sprit. I am going forth in trust, prayerfully asking for more guidance and understanding of wisdom and charity, and otherwise letting the Holy Spirit lead me forth in whatever ways necessary.
Practically, I will avail myself to His Real Presence without distractions of reading or speaking or noises in background, or activity, and just be for God, whatever He wants in the silence of my essential nothingness. This for me will be challenging due to physical pain; it is not easy for me to be still in His Real Presence due to noticing the pain more. But this is how I must avail myself--try not to recoil in the face of a trial, in my case: pain. That is the docility to the Holy Spirit I must offer, and whatever more of which I do not yet know.
For most, contemplation and infused contemplation moves from providing some effort (acquired) to God's taking over, gifting, or infusing contemplative state. It is in the infused contemplative state that some few might experience some type of "sign" or extraordinary spiritual experience. Again, most do not. The signal or sign is just that, and extraordinary--not the ordinary state of infused contemplation. The sign or extraordinary is that which is yet another temptation in attachment to that spiritual experience even if not consciously so; detach from it by remaining docile to the Holy Spirit and allow God to be all to our nothingness.
I'm going to begin, as I mention above, with the gift of wisdom and the virtue of charity. There may be various processes and aspects of vices and attachments I must be shown and detach from, but I want to love God more and more, and here are excellent teachers in St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, and Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange, and over all and beyond, the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete, the Third Person of the Holy Trinity. It's bound to be a win-win without needing to leave the icy pad on my bed, or if tomorrow brings less pain, I can offer myself while taking physical steps on a walk.
On a more temporal note, I was feeling out of hermit balance today, so I decided best to speak to a couple human beings about whatever they were interested in, via one who called me and the other whom I called. In the one whom I called, I asked prayers that I accept and be fully satisfied with spiritual communion and spiritual reconciliation since I'd not heard from the woman who used to bring Communion once a week, and I could not physically go to confession. Not an hour later, after about three months silence, I received a text from the woman who used to bring me Communion. She wanted to know if I'd be here on Tuesday afternoon, as she'd like to begin again. Yes, where else?
I do think the Holy Spirit wants me to learn to let go of what I want, or all types of attachments--even those I think or anyone would think are reasonable, good, proper, and holy. This includes possessions, people who can be in essence beloved or desired possessions, and even the possessing of the tangible form rather than mystical form of the Sacraments. I must let go of whatever is not happening or seeming to happen or be. Let the Holy Spirit decide what, when, where, how, who, and even if He wills, the why of any and all.
Just let go. This is a form of purification of the senses and spirit, with the purification of the spirit being more hidden from our conscious awareness that we are even attached or hanging on to that which we must be detached in order for God to will and determine for us that we are nothing and need nothing but God.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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