I'm sure any of you readers who bother to check what I'm writing on any kind of regular basis, have recognized that my plight currently is more severe than in the past, in general. In the past, I'd have horrific pain sieges, but this is on-going suffering of a level at which I've never experienced before.
So you see that I am "writing my way through the pain," or attempting to.
We do what we must do to survive that which has us pushed to the limits. I'd better tonight make myself take the one, small, costly pill that I'd eliminated a week ago. Perhaps that one medication was masking this pain enough so that I could accomplish the tiny bit of walking, minimal leg exercise, and manage the pain, plus the small efforts of basic food and self-maintenance.
Today I've showered. That is an ordeal for I must go without the brace in combination of standing and sitting while showering, drying, dressing, then brace back on. I rarely do what I know in advance is going to cause increased pain--what is a "given." But I was past-due.
I'm taking my usual meds closer together--this is prescribed, actually, but I was pleased when I could stretch them farther apart and take less. However, I'm still taking higher dose than what I had to take before this surgery. Well, dear Lord, perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon?
My desire is if the Lord would give me the supernatural grace to cope with this amount of pain but on this level of medication or, of course, less, and that I'd still be able to be up and do the walking the 7 houses and back, even twice a day.
The family member called. Cannot come today, which is fine although the trees and plants in pots are drooping drastically. All is silent at the neighbor's; they may be out on a lovely Saturday afternoon.
Per the family member phone call, the family member also is concerned about this pain level and whatever it was, so minimal, that set me back--even if the discontinuing of the one pill at night. We never had any idea that this pain level and debilitation would be at this low plane, 2 1/2 months after surgery. Hard to believe that the surgeon in his nonchalant way, really meant it when he said how severe and extremely complex was this spinal surgery.
As to the appreciated distraction of news clips and hunting for elevating films--documentaries such as the one of the man born with cerebral palsy who achieved much good for so many--I'm wearied of all that. Even the marvelous ones, the encouraging, creative, uplifting distractions have me clamoring all the more for His Real Presence.
I desire to be also the uplift, to do the creative good, to be an instrument of encouragement and reminder of God to others! To pray for others--yes--so as I mentioned to the family member and as I have been admitting in my writing, my back situation has become a broken record.... Yet, also, I admit it can be helpful to vent some with the family member who knows the realities after all these years.
But I stopped, for there is no point in going over it once we'd discussed the disappointment and wonderment as to why I'm not improving pain-wise nor able to be up more than the very, very little. The pain spikes from simply being upright, brace on.
Yes, be thankful for that amount of mobility, I say to myself; and so I am, and I am also thankful for what pain medication available and helpful in toning down what otherwise would be unbearable pain. (It gets close to that as it is, thus my writing my way through the pain and seeking the Lord fervently to distract myself from the unbearable aspects of this suffering.)
Yes, I need to keep focusing outward, on the land of the living and their needs, their interests and lives, their prayer needs, their joys and concerns.
The Lord takes care of me. I re-read today's Mass Scriptures, this time focusing on Baruch, and lo and behold, these verses toward the end of today's selection as well as the first portion of today's Psalm, is once again, truth, beauty, and goodness! I'm relating with and connected to Baruch through the centuries of all us people who suffer whatever ailments to whatever extent of pain and struggle.
Now, this uplifts and excites me--to think on it, to live out right now these verses from the Living Word, the Daily Bread, my Eucharist in the Scriptures.
From Baruch 4:27-29:
"Fear not, my children; call out to God!
He who brought this upon you will remember you.
As your hearts have been disposed to stray from God,
turn now ten times the more to seek him;
For he who has brought disaster upon you
will, in saving you, bring you back enduring joy."
And from Psalm 69: 33-34:
"See, you lowly ones, and be glad;
you who seek God, may your hearts revive!
For the LORD hears the poor,
and his own who are in bonds he spurns not.
Let the heavens and the earth praise Him,
the seas and whatever moves in them!"
Whatever more do I need that the Lord has not already provided me? I'm minimally able to get up and do what essentials necessary; and when I cannot, He helps me understand that not much is actually essential. From His Living Word and the reassurance of his having experienced all and then some, He knows and feels deeply all that I feel and suffer, all that I think and all about which I wonder.
By and by, He provides, including to be His hermit's Beloved Spouse, and to always be true and present with me, for He is suffering itself; He is love in Himself and knows how to transcend the universe of whatever trials we are granted, to see them and live them as opportunities of grace and prayer, of love and praise of God, of salvific union with His Real Presence!
What more could this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit hope for, what more could I ask? This is an opportunity to live through, with, and in Christ in ways I'd never dreamt would be given me. This suffering today is a praise of God for the salvation of the world! I'm existing in Christ crucified, with Him on His cross.
God bless His Real Presence in me and in you!
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