This 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time began filled with expectation of goodness, of hope in God for perhaps being over the set-back physically, of increased, problematic spinal pain. I was looking forward, as well, to a visit from a family member--just brief, but thought might include a little conversation.
Rather, I awoke with a terrible headache and playing catch-up with pain after finally getting to sleep sometimes after 3:30 a.m. No, I did not take that dreaded little costly pill that perhaps would help the sleep stretch a couple or two hours longer. The spinal headache? Who knows but God and the inner workings of my spine as to why that flared more than usual.
I realized from yesterday's post of "writing my way through this pain" that my writing is actually additional conversation with and in His Real Presence, such as my thoughts are. He is my Company, my constant Visitor, my ever-present Spouse, my also-Wounded One. So I decided to write today about praying my way through--not just through the pain but through it all, all of whatever all this life is and whomever and whatever and wherever of the temporal past, present, and future of this life.
Took awhile--all morning and into afternoon to contend with the pain, other than to get up a couple times for coffee and then for oatmeal, and then finally to go for the teenie walk past the 7 or so houses and back. But I was motivated! I was uplifted by the Scriptures proclaimed all over the world in the celebration of today's Mass!
From St. Paul in his Second Letter to Timothy, first chapter, I was uplifted (and really, still am although hit a rough patch late afternoon) by these words:
"For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice
but rather of power and love and self-control.
So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord,
nor of me, a prisoner for his sake;
but bear your share of hardship for the gospel
with the strength that comes from God.
I need yet to mull these words, especially that of bearing my share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God. I must bear it--whatever hurts, whatever disappointments, whatever of the great unknowns that come not only for me but for those who I have born, know, and love.
Then came the Gospel reading from Luke 17. I recall in a major vision and locution that Dr. H. witnessed and tape recorded some 33 years ago June past, that it was emphasized to me to read in Luke 17 as it would explain to me about faith over fear. So here we have it. The apostles say to the Lord, "Increase our faith."
And the Lord answers them, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you.'"
Then Jesus continues to teach them by placing them into an example of what they would say to a servant of theirs, come in from work in the field. Jesus explains they would not tell their servant to come sit with them at table [as an equal to the servant's master], but rather wouldn't they tell their servant to first prepare something for them to eat, then wait on them at table, and then tell the servant to eat when they are finished?
Jesus then said, "So should it be with you. When you have done all you have been commanded, say, 'We are unprofitable servants; we have done what we were obliged to do."
I realize it is now evening here in Solus Deus Hermitage. My visitor and a young person with the visitor, have come and gone in a whoosh of a few minutes, the young one fussing about trying to get some outdoor folding chairs in a storage closet by the patio, the older one encouraging, helping, rushing the process along. An additional errand will be run to fill another medication script whenever the person has the time. I quickly handed over the prescription form and credit card, grateful.
I don't think the young person even turned the face or eyes upon me, not once. The older visitor did so, I think; all was so rushed it is hard to recall. They were busy about many things, scurrying out the door on their way to meet with friends for dinner out.
I realize yet again what an odd world I live in, here in the solitude of silence. It is a world thrust upon me all the more after this major back surgery came along, rather taking me by surprise by the high level of pain and the extensive nature of what it has caused in limitations and so-lengthy recovery, beyond what I could ever have fathomed.
I consider the situation with the visitors. I'm sure had it not been for the car accident, the painful divorce, the death experience in recovery between surgeries in 1987, I'd be far different than what I became, how I evolved rather rapidly, just from the accident and earthly spouse leaving in a series of three leavings over a few months, beginning about three weeks after the accident. It was a shock, all that.
All through, I did my best with what I was to do, with my tasks essentially as a servant would be asked by the Lord to do. In the death experience, I was sent back to a life of great suffering pain "to rear my children and fulfill my mission." In those early months and years after the surgeries and with my realizing the surgeries had left me permanently disabled with the ups and downs of pain sieges and constant back pain, including constant headache, I think I must have been more inspirational, more their loving example and trusted guide.
Now, I must say in all truthfulness to the Lord, looking back and the entire, painful existence even more so when the children graduated college and went out on their own all the more fully--now I must say to God: I am an unprofitable servant. I do not even know if I did what basics You wanted me to do, or even what I was obliged to do--let alone do anything more. I thought I had tried so hard. But surely not, Lord; I think I must not have proven worthy of the charge You gave me.
It takes great faith to overcome fear of not having done enough, not loved enough, not been enough, not overcoming enough in this life. It takes greater faith to trust in the love of God to continue on through various life phases and in the details of daily encounters and duties--the vocations we are given, the people we encounter, the thoughts we have, the love we try to offer, the prayers we pray.
It takes a greater faith to step from each present moment into the unknown of the next moment, to have the faith to overcome fear, to set aside what is painful in being as unprofitable servants to others, only doing what we are obliged to do, and also to set aside that we are experiencing likewise, ourselves.
Surely, I had set poor example in one regard of which I will not write; but I know what it is, and I am receiving what I, too, did, how I must have given bad example, and that now is dealt me to experience, to see how wrong, how it reels back upon oneself. This is one way to learn without being able to alter the course of our flaws. This is penance.
In that recognition as such, in faith, we try to remove the sting, ease the inner pain that comes from such recognition of our not having done better than average or less, and at that, even complained in the hearing of impressionable others. Unprofitable servants--how easy it is to forget, that had we more faith, we can stretch ourselves so much further in loving God and loving others as ourselves.
So I'm praying my way through various types of pain. I need to feel this other-than-physical pain as well as the physical, though, or the Lord would not have laid it on me today. And while I so want to escape, to be able to even physically leave, I cannot. My body cannot go and do for itself other than painful, teenie walks past 7 houses and back, and simmer some fresh turnips for supper.
I'm praying my through, asking for greater faith in whatever is asked of me in the next moment after this one. I pray to be a more profitable servant, to even think in terms of being a servant in all aspects. Yes, a servant would be treated in dismissive ways and even so would love, would desire to serve and to pray do far beyond obligations.
Perhaps the Lord asks of me to be yet more grateful for whatever crumbs tossed my way. Be grateful for the turnips; be grateful for those who are busy and rushed about many things. Being grateful no matter what--that is, being more than what is obliged, is it? Is that part of being a profitable servant--to recognize my past wrongs and feeling the sting of the same, later, being done to me, and then yet being grateful?
Once more, Scripture reminds of the strength that comes from God. I am to bear the hardships for the sake of the Gospel, and certainly not having the great faith that moves mountains is a hardship. But faith is the flip side of fear, and the Lord will increase my faith to courageously keep praying my way through and to simply keep going. And yet, love and be grateful.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
Rather, I awoke with a terrible headache and playing catch-up with pain after finally getting to sleep sometimes after 3:30 a.m. No, I did not take that dreaded little costly pill that perhaps would help the sleep stretch a couple or two hours longer. The spinal headache? Who knows but God and the inner workings of my spine as to why that flared more than usual.
I realized from yesterday's post of "writing my way through this pain" that my writing is actually additional conversation with and in His Real Presence, such as my thoughts are. He is my Company, my constant Visitor, my ever-present Spouse, my also-Wounded One. So I decided to write today about praying my way through--not just through the pain but through it all, all of whatever all this life is and whomever and whatever and wherever of the temporal past, present, and future of this life.
Took awhile--all morning and into afternoon to contend with the pain, other than to get up a couple times for coffee and then for oatmeal, and then finally to go for the teenie walk past the 7 or so houses and back. But I was motivated! I was uplifted by the Scriptures proclaimed all over the world in the celebration of today's Mass!
From St. Paul in his Second Letter to Timothy, first chapter, I was uplifted (and really, still am although hit a rough patch late afternoon) by these words:
"For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice
but rather of power and love and self-control.
So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord,
nor of me, a prisoner for his sake;
but bear your share of hardship for the gospel
with the strength that comes from God.
I need yet to mull these words, especially that of bearing my share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God. I must bear it--whatever hurts, whatever disappointments, whatever of the great unknowns that come not only for me but for those who I have born, know, and love.
Then came the Gospel reading from Luke 17. I recall in a major vision and locution that Dr. H. witnessed and tape recorded some 33 years ago June past, that it was emphasized to me to read in Luke 17 as it would explain to me about faith over fear. So here we have it. The apostles say to the Lord, "Increase our faith."
And the Lord answers them, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you.'"
Then Jesus continues to teach them by placing them into an example of what they would say to a servant of theirs, come in from work in the field. Jesus explains they would not tell their servant to come sit with them at table [as an equal to the servant's master], but rather wouldn't they tell their servant to first prepare something for them to eat, then wait on them at table, and then tell the servant to eat when they are finished?
Jesus then said, "So should it be with you. When you have done all you have been commanded, say, 'We are unprofitable servants; we have done what we were obliged to do."
I realize it is now evening here in Solus Deus Hermitage. My visitor and a young person with the visitor, have come and gone in a whoosh of a few minutes, the young one fussing about trying to get some outdoor folding chairs in a storage closet by the patio, the older one encouraging, helping, rushing the process along. An additional errand will be run to fill another medication script whenever the person has the time. I quickly handed over the prescription form and credit card, grateful.
I don't think the young person even turned the face or eyes upon me, not once. The older visitor did so, I think; all was so rushed it is hard to recall. They were busy about many things, scurrying out the door on their way to meet with friends for dinner out.
I realize yet again what an odd world I live in, here in the solitude of silence. It is a world thrust upon me all the more after this major back surgery came along, rather taking me by surprise by the high level of pain and the extensive nature of what it has caused in limitations and so-lengthy recovery, beyond what I could ever have fathomed.
I consider the situation with the visitors. I'm sure had it not been for the car accident, the painful divorce, the death experience in recovery between surgeries in 1987, I'd be far different than what I became, how I evolved rather rapidly, just from the accident and earthly spouse leaving in a series of three leavings over a few months, beginning about three weeks after the accident. It was a shock, all that.
All through, I did my best with what I was to do, with my tasks essentially as a servant would be asked by the Lord to do. In the death experience, I was sent back to a life of great suffering pain "to rear my children and fulfill my mission." In those early months and years after the surgeries and with my realizing the surgeries had left me permanently disabled with the ups and downs of pain sieges and constant back pain, including constant headache, I think I must have been more inspirational, more their loving example and trusted guide.
Now, I must say in all truthfulness to the Lord, looking back and the entire, painful existence even more so when the children graduated college and went out on their own all the more fully--now I must say to God: I am an unprofitable servant. I do not even know if I did what basics You wanted me to do, or even what I was obliged to do--let alone do anything more. I thought I had tried so hard. But surely not, Lord; I think I must not have proven worthy of the charge You gave me.
It takes great faith to overcome fear of not having done enough, not loved enough, not been enough, not overcoming enough in this life. It takes greater faith to trust in the love of God to continue on through various life phases and in the details of daily encounters and duties--the vocations we are given, the people we encounter, the thoughts we have, the love we try to offer, the prayers we pray.
It takes a greater faith to step from each present moment into the unknown of the next moment, to have the faith to overcome fear, to set aside what is painful in being as unprofitable servants to others, only doing what we are obliged to do, and also to set aside that we are experiencing likewise, ourselves.
Surely, I had set poor example in one regard of which I will not write; but I know what it is, and I am receiving what I, too, did, how I must have given bad example, and that now is dealt me to experience, to see how wrong, how it reels back upon oneself. This is one way to learn without being able to alter the course of our flaws. This is penance.
In that recognition as such, in faith, we try to remove the sting, ease the inner pain that comes from such recognition of our not having done better than average or less, and at that, even complained in the hearing of impressionable others. Unprofitable servants--how easy it is to forget, that had we more faith, we can stretch ourselves so much further in loving God and loving others as ourselves.
So I'm praying my way through various types of pain. I need to feel this other-than-physical pain as well as the physical, though, or the Lord would not have laid it on me today. And while I so want to escape, to be able to even physically leave, I cannot. My body cannot go and do for itself other than painful, teenie walks past 7 houses and back, and simmer some fresh turnips for supper.
I'm praying my through, asking for greater faith in whatever is asked of me in the next moment after this one. I pray to be a more profitable servant, to even think in terms of being a servant in all aspects. Yes, a servant would be treated in dismissive ways and even so would love, would desire to serve and to pray do far beyond obligations.
Perhaps the Lord asks of me to be yet more grateful for whatever crumbs tossed my way. Be grateful for the turnips; be grateful for those who are busy and rushed about many things. Being grateful no matter what--that is, being more than what is obliged, is it? Is that part of being a profitable servant--to recognize my past wrongs and feeling the sting of the same, later, being done to me, and then yet being grateful?
Once more, Scripture reminds of the strength that comes from God. I am to bear the hardships for the sake of the Gospel, and certainly not having the great faith that moves mountains is a hardship. But faith is the flip side of fear, and the Lord will increase my faith to courageously keep praying my way through and to simply keep going. And yet, love and be grateful.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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