I yet am in some ways shaking off the 3-way phone call of the other morning. In its stead floods in the thrill of the Gospel, the glory of God's Living Word, my full and total love and obeisance, my yearning for Jesus Christ.
Oddly, once again a leading expert on St. John of the Cross has sent another email. This past summer, this professor sent me a message, a personal one, asking about me, saying she remembered me from a time nearly 15 years ago in which I was in Avila, Spain, taking a course each in St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila.
At first I did not recognize the name of the person sending the email; but then it all came back, and I was astounded that this marvelous professor would remember me at all. It was a few days before my recent major spine surgery--what I'm understanding as a second crucifixion, of sorts--but should I even count? No, but I must recognize the reality of major life transitions which include being crucified with Christ, being brought into His love all the more through suffering.
I am on the professor's email chain, and among the contacts have been an article based on her extensive research which includes that of St. John Paul II's doctoral thesis of the faith of St. John of the Cross, and then a loving reminder and well-wishing to those of us on her contact list, for the Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Of the personal message back in July, she asked me to pray and offer my surgery for her and her earthly spouse's many intentions. I'm honored to do so, poor and distracted pray-er that I am. And yesterday I received another sharing--a film of the Cristado, commemorating the courageous life of Bl. Miguel Pro, priest and martyr of 20th c. Mexico.
This reconnection is no accident. The Lord is answering my prayers for help in recognizing how weak I am in how I'm utilizing the time He gifts me here on earth. Perhaps I am hard on myself; but I think not, other than I do think, I do feel, I do love and desire Christ all the more.
And what to me seems like oppositional forces, of some sort, are always met with the odd coincidences of remembrances such as this professor who I admire, trust, and know as incredibly gifted in her life's work on writing and teaching and sharing her research on this mystic saint, Doctor of the Church, John of the Cross. And the professor is also a devout and focused Catholic and Christian, with Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI among her email contacts. I've always had a fondness for Pope Benedict XVI, a reverence, admiration, and respect for his soul, his thoughts, his humility, his writings.
Back to the 3-way phone conversation the other morning in which the man shared his amazing story of being able to totally transcend physical pain by means of meditating for hours on end, upon the inhale and exhale of his breath, and the outcomes of what has unfolded of his ability to intentionally move from temporal dimension to other dimensions in which he experiences bliss and fullness of love, to read minds and to be a healer, to help others who come to his acupuncture and alternative medicine practice.
Yes, this morning I awoke with the usual pain, struggling some with the mind and heart for thoughts and emotions are connected with the physical body, and pain is part of body, mind, and heart at the temporal level. Yet, from the gleanings of my temporal and spiritual journey thus far, pain is also part of the body, mind, and heart--and maybe in the aspects of love and suffering--the soul as well, I found myself considering the man and his meditating on the flow of breath as his means of attaining this transcendence and release from the effects of physical pain.
I asked myself again if I would be in such a position of the amount of pain and debilitation that the man described he was in this past summer, to then focus on my breath for hours on end as my meditation practice, for the man said this is how he meditates and has for a long time, ever since years ago boarding with a shaman. No, I would not, is again my answer. I'm not opposed to whatever medication or traditional surgical procedures that have to do with the human body .
Would I like to be able to transcend the temporal effects of physical pain, to be able to go beyond it all the time, by my own intentional will and focus? Well, I'd love to be able to transcend pain and not feel it, not take medication, not be physically limited--perhaps would have loved if this were the case in years past, for of course I've asked the Lord to heal me, especially early on after accident and resultant first back surgeries. But it has always been "if it be Thy will" and "use me however You want" in my prayers.
I suspect the man who can intentionally control his mind to transcend pain would say that by my including the prospect of keeping the temporal pain if God's will, is my way of clinging to it, or of still needing pain as a type of crutch or as teacher, for pain does teach us much; he is correct in this of which he spoke.
My question of self, still, this morning is am I wrong in accepting that I'm not willing to do what others might immediately want to try that this man did and does in meditating upon his breathing and the flow of breath, in and out, to the point of an out of body type experience, in order to see or find out if it works as a technique to transcend temporal, bodily pain? Why was I, am I, willing to accept what just a couple or so weeks ago I had figured was a life as a full invalid, when the post-operative, bodily progress seemed stopped?
Is this a lack of faith on my part, or an unwillingness to do anything to gain what we could say is miraculous ability on the part of the man, a gift given him, to view all with purity of love, to be able to intentionally pass through dimensions, to not judge others, to read minds and go into people to try to guide them into altering their perceptions?
I'm not even sure of the answers other than I have absolutely no desire to follow anything the man does intentionally nor to meditate through breathing techniques. Perhaps to others it would seem ridiculous that I'd not be willing to try whatever techniques; but I trust in all that the Lord has shown me told me, taught me, called me to do and be, which is the Christian path of which the Christian mystics exemplify, which is to follow Jesus Christ.
My entire life has been a progression in Christianity. Years ago in study and exploration, always God would guide me and sometimes warn me against what He wanted of me and what He did not want. Perhaps I would progress "faster" if I'd die more to my own will and be able to drop off my "self" more rapidly, but that requires perhaps far greater faith and far more love than what I have? I don't know, other than God is patient and merciful with me, even now, when I seem to be simply waiting, just waiting in whatever is for now.
I'm reminded this morning of the last time of spiritual experience involving the progression in the spiritual wedding, the wedding of Jesus and myself, but not yet the consummation of our marriage. He told me to wait, that He had to go elsewhere for others souls but would be back. I am to wait. But also He showed me other people--parishioners and priests off to the sidelines, a symbolic group watching and criticizing me. He said to pay no attention to them. That is something that I have yet to stop doing; and I'm not sure why other than God does not rush us in how fast we learn or act upon what He's taught us. It is all a process.
I'd like to pray and focus on paying no attention to those who judge or misunderstand out of ignorance or out of pride or whatever other reason we humans tend toward when we criticize others. I've even wondered if I am criticizing the man who had a spiritual experience, for it certainly caused a major change in his temporal life but also his spiritual life. But no, I must not criticize or judge which is not easy, for it is difficult to keep the pondering what someone has shared to a level of discernment of spirits and discernment of facts which we can only do based upon what we know and what has been our experience thus far. In that, I know I'm not wanting what the man describes and shares and has. I prefer to continue letting Jesus choose for me, what He tells me and shows me, what I am given in His Living Word, and to wait for Jesus to return for me.
Now, what I do and how I live while I wait--I know I could use God's time given in better ways, or so I think when I consider even the passing on of article and now film from the professor whom God had contact me--out of the blue, as is said. And the Lord also allowed the 3-way phone conversation, for I know Dr. H. is seeking, and the usual way of us humans is to think people ought try anything at all in the pursuit. Seems to me Jesus would have been otherwise teaching us breathing exercises.
The man reminds me of the Gnostics; that has come to my mind, but is this then my judging him? I suppose so, in a way, or else it is the Holy Spirit pointing out realities in discernment of spirits. I feel a bit guilty with the thought I've had so strongly, that God brought the man into my realm of brief knowing but of his sharing such a profound experience, for me to pray for him. Just pray and, of course, praise God for giving the man the ability to transcend physical pain and to live an active life, miraculously so. I pray for the man and for all of us, whatever and however God wills.
I am so totally in love with Jesus Christ, and I'm not interested in other than what might seem to be a ponderous, slow, plodding along, living with and accepting the physical suffering while also complaining at times. My heart is yearning to be united with Jesus and not seeking to return to the world other than the bits that help remind me of people and situations for which to pray, even if they are distractions from pain, also. I'm densely sluggish--but devoted to Jesus, to His Real Presence, and am at peace with what He calls the narrow path.
What I know, also, for sure this morning, is just how thrilling to the core do I find yet again, the Scriptures. I love this morning's first reading of Mass, from Romans 8:26-30. The Gospel reading, of course also thrills me--body, mind, heart and soul--but will write out this from Romans. I also delight in the Psalm reading. Absolutely love His Living Word! Excited and thrills me!
"Brothers and sisters:
The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness;
for we do not know how to pray as we ought,
but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.
And the one who searches hearts
knows what is the intention of the Spirit,
because he intercedes for the holy ones
according to God's will.
"We know that all things work for good for those who love God,
who are called according to his purpose.
For those he foreknew he also predestined
to be conformed to the image of his Son,
so that he might be the firstborn
among many brothers.
And those he predestined he also called;
and those he called he also justified;
and those he justified he also glorified."
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