This time period in my very life as a Christian human being called by God nearly 20 years ago to begin the process of discernment to the vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit--this temporal time period that transcends the temporal, is rich with the poverty of Christ!
The present moments flow, often without my recognizing much other than the graciousness of the flow. All good flows from God. My temporal tasks are yet to log roll to side of bed, sit to put on brace, stand to use the walker, to sometimes do minimal leg exercises, gradually attempt some simple tasks that require no bending, no twisting, very little lifting--8 lbs. the maximum now and just briefly to remove the weight off the lid of the ice pump that keeps a pad on bed constantly cool under my lumbar spine.
(I'm sure I could come up with an analogy of the ice pump apparatus, the hose through which icy water is pumped through tube and into pad where the tube weaves back and forth, with the iciness providing pain relieve and reduces inflammation for the point of surgical intervention, now 5 1/2 weeks ago. It is an allegory for the flow of the Holy Spirit, from the interactive mystical reality of God the Father and God the Son, through the love of the Holy Spirit pumping through and affecting healing, effecting change externally and interiorly, such as of the body, mind, heart, and spirit.)
Love does heal, and the Holy Spirit is simply explained at times as the love interactive of the Father and Son, in the Holy Trinity expressed as the Three Persons in, as, One.
I'm trusting in faith that the pain is the prayer these days and nights. Along with the pain prayer, the mind is being given much rest. When not in rest, the mind factors numerous thoughts combing past and projecting future before mercifully returning to present. There are aspects of the temporal that oddly provide peaceful relief from the intellect and memory. At other times, one sprig of past can bring about an avalanche of thoughts expressed in writing, sorting through observations of temporal situations spanning years, and seeking understandable solution, or identifying what God has provided for someone or other, as a result of prayer--faith, hope in God, and love of the person or persons.
Then all of a sudden, such as this morning, I was seized with an urgent thought that it would be as well to be rid of this dwelling, to just unload it "as is" and not deal with the responsibilities that I must contend with for the next many months. I had an desire that came unexpectedly, to not wait for the bone to heal, of which now I know can take not just a few months but several. Why deal with what some consecrated Catholic hermits who are truly living in the silence of solitude and who have remained more hidden from the eyes of men, must contend with at one or more junctures of their years as hermits?
And this juncture comes such as to St. Seraphim when he was beaten by robbers and had to return to the monastery from his hut in the woods, or by St. Godric of Finchale when he had to accept the help of a priest from a nearby monastery--the priest who would come weekly and then daily to his hut to assist the hermit in his ailing years. Finally, for St. Godric, he was asked and begrudgingly agreed to be taken to the monastery where he would spend his final months.
In our times, and with this consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed, I must make the decisions solus Deus, God alone! Thus I simply pray, such as I did consciously on Thursday, asking the Lord to provide some sort of "extern." The practicality of my situation does not allow for just up and selling and relocating in a hermitage that requires no exterior upkeep or very little, and of little interior maintenance.
The current situation also does not allow for leaning upon any one person, not even a family member, for the necessary assistance one needs such as after surgery or when the prognosis is going to require major life change of a physical nature. The current situation does not allow for leaning upon two young neighbor children, either. School has started, and they are of an age that it is most difficult for them to keep up the responsibility of which they've done amazingly well thus far--longer than most children would be mature enough to keep in follow through.
So on Friday, when the physical therapist was going over yet more movements that I must not attempt--as I'd opened five windows, and should not have before asking permission, as the upward lift movement can cause wrong type of compression on spine--the therapist realized the situation. She is in her mid-forties, had been in her career 20 years, and is well aware of life in the world as well as how it can be for people with chronic pain and disability. So she immediately understood when I explained how some might think family should be picking up the pieces and providing for the numerous little tasks that most of us do not even think about--movements that we make in minutes and hours.
People active in the world have responsibilities to their own families and lives, their careers, their homes. Only once had I mentioned to this physical therapist that I am a consecrated hermit, very religious, as I put it, and thus since recently located here and with back disability, have not a support network, not in the parish nor otherwise. It seemed necessary to mention this to the physical therapist because she was having difficulty with grasping how it is that the usual flow of people who are in lay persons' lives, was absent here. She was barking up the wrong tree--as is said--thinking that I would not do well just being in this room convalescing.
She had been checking out the back patio as a place to sit--no, can't sit much, never have since the 1987 surgery and prior, even. Or to get a special recliner with power lift for legs and to recline the back, as pulling on a side lever would not be good for my fused spine. But I personally have no need or desire, right now if ever, for that type of recliner. She said they are costly.
So for practical reasons and a type of charity, to keep her from seeking ways to help me that would be what most people would need or want--I briefly mentioned my vocation and thus the reasons why her suggestions are not necessary nor easy to make happen. Thus the idea of an extern came to me a few days later, and thus the prayer asking God to send some form or other of an extern.
The Carthusians (religious order of hermit-type monks/nuns although they live together in community but within community do not intermingle other than at daily Mass and on Monday afternoons for a couple or so hours of recreation) have what they call "externs"--people who are not in the religious life nor who are hermits, who interface with the world to run errands, arrange for rides to medical appointments, who bring meals to the doors of their individual cells.
Anchoresses and Anchorites of Middle Ages had a maid- or manservant who lived in room beside the walled off hermit, with a window facing the hermit's anchor hold/cell, and the cell itself with a window to see into the church and a window facing the outside world by which people could come and ask the anchorite/hermit for prayers or spiritual direction. The hermit's helper lived in the other room and through the window would provide for the temporal needs of the enclosed anchorite/hermit. We can presume that when an anchorite or anchoress became seriously ill, there would be some provision for someone to minister to the person, in person, or a means to remove the person for extreme medical treatment.
Anyway, a day ago when the physical therapist was here and recognizing that in her listing of various activities I must not attempt on my own, changing the bedding came up, opening windows, errands or transport to see surgeon, that I need additional help to fill in here when the family member cannot, which is increasingly problematic due to additional career obligations, and the children next door--even just ow, tonight, have not remembered to come change the ice machine. (Thankfully, I just started to do it in the mornings when they are at school, and the movement needed is permitted even if the process takes longer than it does for the children who can lift the ice pump, whereas I cannot. I use the walker and go back and forth to and from the freezer, removing the thawed and replacing with frozen ice.)
The physical therapist brought up having the social worker component of Home Health Care come and explore possibilities of what they might be able to provide. Medicare likely will pay for some or all, depending on what they can offer that I can use help with.
The other idea I have, although must wait until Tuesday when parish office is open, is to either leave message for the priest who is extremely busy and practically should not be bothered with my request, or to talk with the parish nurse and explain the consecrated hermit aspect of my situation, and put forth the idea of someone or a couple or more people who might be willing to act as "externs" for me until I am able to drive myself and fend more for myself.
The reality is that I have run into this problem in my remaining "hidden from the eyes of men" and protecting my hermit vocation as privately professed, not publicly. Especially being recently relocated, and with the pain issues having become debilitating prior to surgery, less and less could I go to Mass. And when at Mass, the mystical ecstasy and my being in the day chapel, more hidden, it was not as if a hermit was going to be getting involved in activities, developing friendships.
So an extern is needed! And the extern does not need to be one person. It can be several individuals, and none need to know they are externs or that I am a consecrated Catholic hermit. I have come to consider the two neighbor children as externs of sorts, and they will continue watering the plants outside and mowing, for it will be awhile before I can take on the task of lifting or pulling a hose, and I cannot bend to turn on a water faucet, nor to walk on uneven ground.
The social worker idea might produce more externs for other tasks. The busy family member will, of course, continue now and then running errands such as dropping of a few groceries now and then, and will pick me up from the surgeon appointment this coming week. (I will call and take a Lyft car to get there; pray for the pain level as usually a low-to ground, bumpy economy car.)
Perhaps once I explain, the parish nurse might think of someone willing to get groceries for me or to run some other errand, as they really cannot ask people to transport due to the liability issues churches face in our times. I don't need more meals brought, although they were needed for awhile and could be, still; but it is good for me to try to get up and with the walker, bring back to bed what I call "grange-eating" food fare. I'm heading out soon to get an apple, for example.
I don't need many externs nor for much. Best to be forced to get up increasingly to gain strength and to deal with the increased pain. My angel helps me; I am given various ideas as to how to function with incapacitation, as long as I do not try movements that I'm not cleared to attempt. Earlier today I stood by the walker long enough to quickly reach into the fridge to pull out a slice of bread, mayo, lettuce leaf, slice of cheese, and slice of meat to construct a sandwich. I can do that while "walkering" back and forth from counter to sink to rinse off knife, to rinse hands, than bringing half sandwich back to bed. Standing in one place even with the walker is difficult; pain spikes.
The neighbor boy did arrive, after all, apologizing for forgetting. I do not mind, as I am able now to change out the thawed water bottles for frozen ones, using the walker and the reacher-grabber tool and walker. I asked him to open a couple windows, though. Still trying to air out the hermitage at night. Closed up, musty smell no doubt from the old books in my spiritual library that I'd unboxed four months ago, before the spine became acute.
This post has ended up being a lot of tedious detail--tedious enough to hopefully demonstrate some realistic aspects of a current-day, consecrated Catholic hermit who is attempting to live the vocation as is set forth in the Catechism for privately and publicly professed hermits--except privately professed maintain the aspect of not being known as hermits more than is possible for publicly professed hermits who are known as such in their respective dioceses.
I was going to write about lines in 1 Thessalonians 4:9-11 that have import to me:
"Brothers and sisters:
On the subject of fraternal charity
you have no need for anyone to write you,
for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another....
Nevertheless we urge you, brothers and sisters, to progress even more,
and to aspire to live a tranquil life,
to mind your own affairs,
and to work with your own hands....
These Living Words have great meaning for all of us, and especially so for a hermit. The part of loving one another and to progress even more, and to aspire to live a tranquil life, to mind our own affairs, to work with our own hands--and with this, I must add, when one is able to do so! I will be asking and receiving the provision by God of bringing yet additional hands to do the work that I cannot do, for now. I have let go of many standards of daily existence, have let a lot of tasks fall by the wayside. It is necessary to detach when one must, from temporal responsibilities.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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