Been rough, some aspects of this consecrated Catholic hermit's present moment phase. Yet the Lord tests me and then blesses me, even though I truly do not deserve such blessing and love. Even the testing is proof of His love for my most imperfect, floundering soul.
Yesterday the Occupational Therapist went over the reality of future physical and movement limitations. I had been excited thinking I'd be able to even paint a ceiling. That would not require bending or twisting! But the OT pointed out that the reaching overhead with a roller on a roller-extension bar, would all the same cause compression on the upper spine. Thus, the disc and vertebrae above the sacrum and lumbar fusion would be compromised. She said again, "You will end up needing more surgery if there is any wear and tear or abuse of the body."
I replied that it will take some thinking to figure out what, then, I will be able to "do" physically, or what tasks in typical life skills and home maintenance won't cause compression of the spine. She encouraged, "You can do things sitting down!"
"No, I cannot sit! I have not been able to sit for any length of time or much at all, for over three decades. When I sit, it brings on a pain siege sooner, and it increases pain when I sit. So I have had to avoid sitting for all these years." This was my response, with my mind all the more searching for some idea of what will be my plight even after the year I was told needed for this surgery recovery.
So she said, "Well, you could do things standing, then." But I had to explain to her that standing in one place has always been very painful, and was, along with sitting, what the surgeon years ago stated I should not do for any length of time because it increases pain and brings on the pain sieges. Of course, I've had to sit at times such as the miraculous long drives I've had to do--three of them, in fact. But I paid dearly with extra-awful and lengthy pain sieges.
So, walking around is it for me? But I have permanent damage from that bizarre fall in the garden area of hardware store a year ago June 2. I further explained to her that when I walk, or have walked prior to getting so disabled from the increasing back problems prior to surgery, I'd get terrible pain in the numb yet nerve-damaged left leg by the knee, with the bone by that knee highly inflamed, per MRI. I have yet to get an appointment with a specialist to see if there is anything that can improve that situation.
The OT started repeating to ask the surgeon what he thinks when I see him. She said explain to him the type of "projects" I have in mind, and see what he says. In the meantime, she mentioned I could garden such as prune roses--if I have a container to drop the clippings in, and use the grabber-reacher tool for anything that falls to the ground, and have a helper carry the container to the trash bin. She felt I could mow, eventually, as that is pushing and using the legs--but be careful to empty the grass bag before it gets heavy, and learn to squat enough with spine straight "as a log", when removing and replacing the grass catcher bag.
Here I was, once more reeling from this situation of which I'd not realistically thought through the long term ramifications. Still, I summoned hope in God that with a super amount of leg and body core exercises, perhaps my situation would not be so limited. Definitely, though, the realities spoken to me had me realizing living in this hermitage with upkeep and a yard, was going to likely mean major life changes in that regard. I can do it! I know I can, but it is just going to take some figuring and help and acceptance to do so. God's graces in abundance are needed--in fact, needed also to stay in the Order of the Present Moment for now!
It was the eldest grandchild's 13th birthday. I decided to call and hope in God the call would be answered. Yes! Had a lovely conversation catching up with the eldest daughter, and then the granddaughter got home from a friend's, and we had a lovely conversation, as well! God reached in with a major uplift! He is pointing the way out of the gloomy aspects of physical reality.
The granddaughter gave me her email and even has a phone now, so I have the number! This is major, for even a hermit such as myself and others, who are now single but have been married long ago for a brief time, can have children now grown, and grandchildren.
A Catholic hermit, secure for over 20 years of eremetic postulancy, novitiate, profession and avowal, living the hermit vocation in the Consecrated life of the Church, includes all people within the life of prayer and praise, extends hospitality and charity to all people who are in the hermit's life--the known and strangers, the beloved and those who choose for whatever their reasons to be enemies.
(The consecrated Catholic hermit's life includes praying and praising for all peoples and situations, and to love all no matter what. Charity rules; and hospitality extends to all even if but in silent prayer, even if not in verbal or written contact. Each hermit has to heed what contacts and the amount of them the hermit's situation can accommodate. For me, the number are few, and I must keep priorities as to amount; pain does restrict, as well as to the degree of silence of solitude in whatever way the Lord wills and prescribes.)
Last night I forgot until late to take one of the pain meds. I had cut back on this one, to one at night and skipped successfully the day dose. So I thought time to see if I could manage without the night dose, as well. I awoke with too much pain at 3 a.m. So I had to increase the amount of the another pain med and finally sleep again after much time had passed. In that time of waiting for sleep, I heard noise at the front door, then it seemed as if the ice pump's motor was making a louder hum than normal. Would it stop working? And was someone at the front door?
It was then that I realized just how vulnerable I am in here, barely able to do for myself although certainly more than four weeks ago! I slept again, and awoke with pain threatening with added spinal headache. Time for meds plus an added for the headache. Then when I got the body up, the toilet had jammed! I had to lift the added seat riser onto the walker and get it to the other toilet--that by the grace of God, truly, the grandson who happened to visit yesterday morning had unplugged with a plunger the daughter had brought a few days ago.
It all worked out, although I strained the back more than it was quite ready. No harm done other than some added pain. It will simmer down in time. But then I realized just how very helpless I am! I texted the neighbor--the only one I know, really, and that also by the grace of God. The two children came over, and the boy was able to unplug the toilet by the bedroom, and he carried back the toilet seat riser. God provided, once again! And they put fresh ice in the ice pump, and assured me it seems to be working all right.
I do realize, also, how ridiculous these details can be. Yet in my present world, I know the Lord is not only testing me but is helping me vastly with facing realities that I do need to face. And all the more, He reminds me that HE PROVIDES. He reminds me to turn to Him in all matters, all things. I returned to praising Him for the many blessings, and for how well I'm doing four weeks after surgery. It all could be so much worse! I'm fortunate indeed!
[Today, August 22, day after I wrote this post: I realize that I have twisted the actual commentary analysis of this selection from Judges, as the allegory or fable is not really about God being king, bur rather is trying to explain to us of how a thorn tree cannot actually produce good or even cast much of a shadow. But I will leave this post in here, for to me, yesterday, I needed very much to consider Christ as King over me, and in faith for me to take refuge in His shadow. Even if I have taken liberties with the explanation of the rest of the verses in this selection, may God be pleased with my yearning for Him to rule over me and for me to take refuge in His shadow.]
This portion of today's Mass first reading from Judges, says it all to me, personally, in what I need today and always--as to what the Lord wants of me and of you, of all of us!
If you wish to anoint Me king over you in good faith,
come and take refuge in My shadow.
Lord Jesus Christ, I wish to anoint You king over me in good faith and in love, as well. I come and take refuge in Your shadow now and forever.
Humility! Obeisance! Consider the humility and obedience yet great the graces imbued by the Lord when a desirous but imperfect human takes refuge in the shadow of God!
Thank you, dear Holy Trinity--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--for Your Real Presence within me, and for allowing me to abide in You, take refuge in You, humbly to remain in Your shadow.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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