Merciful heavens. In effort to improve bone density, thought worth the risk to have an injection of a more recent medication (Prolia) said to have less dangerous side effects than an infusion medication.
Dealing with loads of suffering now. Lumbar pain worse than ever; sick headache. Am not supposed to take Excedrin due to pain doctor wanting to inject steroids in between the L-2 and L-3 on Wednesday. I have the pain meds plus took Tylenol (of which am not to take too much as it is in pain med). Tylenol has never helped spinal headache, so I may just have to take Excedrin or arrange a trip to an ER.
Second opinion neurosurgeon suggested as option, living with the stenosis and taking what comes--as the type of surgery I'd need could leave me with more pain. Not that it would but could (and Mayo Clinic site's information re. this type of surgery warns of this, also). I know how nebulous outcomes of more involved spine surgery can be, from experience. However, if to be no surgery forthcoming, then I think as well not to have another injection of this osteo medication in 6 months.
I also have not felt positive in past nor now about trying to inject steroids between my L-2 and L-3 when I've already been told by second opinion surgeon that the vertebrae above my L-4 is totally disintegrated due to the on-going impact against the fusion and rods done years ago. And, steroids can further disintegrate vertebrae.
Truly, doctors mean well, and we need them. Medications have side effects and risks. But all this seems to be causing more suffering, and I'm not sure it is actually a suffering God is allowing or is suffering such as I've written in past--a sideways cross type suffering. These are sufferings that we bring on or comes from human endeavors or accidents--even if not intentional.
I wanted to write something of spiritual uplift, or even to share how the ecstasy during Mass was getting me excited that maybe the phenomenon is starting to go away. But it could be just a fluke thing; but I'm hopeful it might be departing, for that will mean I am progressing out of long phase of this temporal aspect of mystical--still temporal, still rather binding, if you grasp what I mean. Mystical phenomenon are gifts which have marvelous effects and lessons; but they also carry with them much persecution, are crosses to bear, and also have those temporal aspects, so indicate "not there yet" to the person afflicted. If the state is not in process of departing, I am not sure I'll be able to sit through another Mass unless this severe lumbar pain is temporary--perhaps not totally osteo med side effect, maybe a worse than usual pain siege.
Sometimes just living with our physical ailments even if, yes, osteopenia and osteoporosis can increase risk of bone fracture, might be as well--at least for this old consecrated Catholic hermit! The doctoring, lately, involved for an aging and years-long injured body have brought unwelcome distractions!
I will say, that part of my confession yesterday had to do with how I felt I'd been rude, grumpy, and sharp, and unusually so in frustration and pain toward first surgeon's staff. I am most sorry about that; apologized as the conversations occurred or after. But, I've been at suffering for years and years, and I still harbor the hope that I can do better. So I will try, and today is certainly a major test with the different type of pain, on top of the other pain, and at a level in which I really am having trouble managing even with the meds I have.
But I must remember to trust in Jesus, and to moderate if I do speak to anyone, which is doubtful for today (and rare most days due to vocation's silence of solitude!) since I am relegated to the floor (and rare most days due to vocation's silence of solitude). Tried sleeping on a board on mattress, but that did not work out. Back to the floor!
I consider the hermits of yore, and how they had to deal with bodily ailments, solus Deus. Now, we go to doctors; and hermits in not distant past the past no doubt did, also, or if a hermit who also a religious brother or sister, would be called in to the mother house for medical care when it got to that point. I'm thinking simplicity is best in doctoring, in my situation. Yes, I need medicinal help with pain management; that transition came 11 years ago when the body simply could not cope with the increasing pain over the years. I was told it would get worse, and it certainly has.
This side effect of the osteo medication injection hopefully will be temporary. If not--as others have had unfortunately side effects--I join those for whom the medication did not work out so well in the ill-effects. Some people do not have lasting side effects. But those who do, rue the day they had the injection. I'm not at all at that point. It is best that we enter into situations always with positive attitude. We hope and assume we will not be one of the negative statistics.
I'll ponder how all this relates with Trinity Sunday and faith. It does relate quite well and in many facet--even in the entering into faith and the spiritual life, and into cooperating with the Holy Spirit of Love within us--with positive spirit, assuming all the best and not focusing nor looking for the ill side-effects of the devil doing what he can to derail the soul's relationship with the Holy Spirit.
God always wins for the soul who believes in Christ, who accepts the love the Holy Spirit imparts, and who loves His Real Presence and others with that very love infused into our souls. Now, this is an aspect in which to rejoice on this Sunday--the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
[Note: I did end up making an executive pain management decision. Better to crush and take an Excedrin, drink half an ale (which in past has helped some in neck muscles), than to let spinal headache get further out of control, than to figure a ride to ER, added sitting or gurney, maybe a strong med in IV or injection. Go the simpler, conservative route first. Thank God, it is helping a little. Might need another, but will just have to call pain doctor's office tomorrow and say what transpired, and they can delay injection if they think that amount of nsaid must cancel procedure. Such is this pained, Catholic hermit's day.
When considering hermits of which I've read autobiographies or biographies, it is not the days like this--the very human days of dealing with temporal aspects--which are highlighted, if mentioned at all. But it is good to realize that not all their days were spent in non-stop infused contemplation, or in otherwise flights of spirit or deep mental prayer, contemplation, or lectio divina. The temporal body can bring the hermit to his or her sick bed, mat, floor, whatever. Hanging on despite suffering then becomes the prayer, the work, the day, the night.]
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