Not. Am not suffering heroically. I think at one point, years ago, perhaps I broached the point of good suffering, of prayerful suffering, of maybe even valiant suffering. But never have I heroically suffered. Certainly do not think so, and I am not currently.
This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit finds the vow of suffering I made years ago, as well as the prayers offering myself to suffer for souls and for the Holy Catholic Church--went on and on in words. I meant every one. I would repeat it to a priest--various priests--over the years. I'd repeat the vow of suffering, typed and with additions of various witnesses--on the Feast Day of St. Padre Pio, Sept. 23.
But now I know I suffer not well. I lack the patience, the gentleness, the strength to suffer to a point of prayerfulness nor holiness. I'm worn out! I admit all these aspects to the Lord. I admit it to others, and now to you, readers. I admit I am a weak and poor sufferer.
I admitted it in confession. Not suffering well. The priest said the Lord knows I am doing my best. No, I am not doing my best. Yet I seem not to have the discipline or impetus to try harder. I have no idea. When pain goes to a certain level, the head feels "spacey". I managed to get the two miles (drove, simple roadway) to the medical facility to have the lab work done for upcoming surgery.
I snapped when one of the clinicians asked if I was doing the blood draw to be sent to "Dr. S-------." "He's NOT a DOCTOR," I pointed out sharply, firmly. They corrected their error. I mentioned probably in vain: "It is a medical misrepresentation, and people are unaware because medical facilities are referring to physician assistants fresh out of college with master's degrees, as 'doctor.'"
Yes, the blood draw can go to the young man they referred to as doctor. I will receive the report, and thankfully I read the Mayo Clinic site last night to know I needed to fast or the blood draw results would be invalid--a factual reality of which the young physician assistant was unaware. I'm old, but I am concerned yet of aspects of the temporal world in which people coming after me or currently, are not receiving honest or proper medical care due to their not realizing they are not dealing with a medical doctor with far more years of education, training, and experience than a PA.
I won't be going back to the PA; the test result will be accurate due to my having read I must fast prior. The result would not be accurate had I left myself under the control of the PA, and would mean, per his defensive phone call to me yesterday, thyroid surgery. And that is not at all necessary now, when it is my back surgery that is crucial.
The accurate test result is going to go to the medical doctors' group to which I'm being referred by a doctor in a different group, a different hospital system. If I have the ailment the PA was jumping to assumptions ahead of any accurate testing, then I'll be thankful to have the thyroid surgery--after the spine surgery. And that surgery is finally, thankfully, scheduled a week from today, provided the new lab work shows nothing to delay it further. I'm past ready.
So here I was, getting caught up in the craziness of pain. I was snapping at what is a lie, yes, a deception, yes; but these medical clerks and clinicians don't even realize the ruse that is sweeping the country, of many hospital groups and various medical clinic groups that are misleading patients by granting a title of "doctor" to the equivalent of a master's degree. Yes, that is impressive, but still they are not medical doctors.
How many patients research the persons they are being set up with for appointments, who are not doctors but called that? How many patients see a PA's certificate framed on a wall which lists the actual degree bestowed and from what college or university? Colleges are not created equal--another reality of this temporal world.
Even fussing around about this proves how temporal I've become. Sunk! Sunk far from thinking of that which is above, although perhaps there are a handful of people now who will at least seek the truth of the background of the person who is handling their painful or serious symptoms.
Yet this is not my vocational call, or so I don't think. I'm simply over wrought with way too much pain. And a very good PA who admits is a PA, has mentioned that the pain is at the point that pain meds have not much effect. Truth! How blessed is Truth be it spiritual or temporal! Both, is best!
I'm trying to pray for others. There is a young father and husband a couple thousand miles away who is in a hospital with an arm that was torn in two pieces, a crushed ankle, a head wound--from riding an ATV. He crashed. I'm praying for him. Deeper conversion! Even temporally so: Don't ride dangerous vehicles.
But see how horrible I--this Catholic hermit--have become? With my awful spine of the past 35 years, done in by a drunk teen and suffering the results ever since, I point out in my mind--ask the questions: Why would anyone ride an ATV who has responsibilities to children and spouse? Why play with fire when one has a family dependent upon him or her? ATV's are notorious for a preponderance of risk and are high-accident prone.
It is why, when I see a motorcyclist without a helmet (and sometimes with), I consider how much good that person can do someone if they've signed off as an organ donor or if their family does when they learn their loved one, usually young with healthy organs, signs off after their brain dead. It is fact that the highest number of organs for people in need come from motorcyclists.
I get blatantly grumpy. I have dark thoughts at times, and I know I should not have them. It is not so much of doing myself in, although I easily have those thoughts when the pain is severe and protracted for longer than it seems I can rightly handle it. It is that I am not suffering in a way to make God proud of me, nor to impress others as to meritorious suffering, not at all! I don't seem to have the strength of will to do so. I wonder: Have I even lost the desire to "try"?
Or maybe I just need to accept this humiliation of being a terrible sufferer, even now that I have at least the goal of trying to make it to surgery. Then how on earth will I suffer the aftermath of surgery? I've already been told that due to my bone situation, and the reality that all the old pain will not change but at least this newer, added pain has a chance of being relieved, that my recovery is going to be long and restricted.
I must stay in the present moment yet not in this presence of such pain. Stay in the hope of desiring to suffer even without quite as much pain-craziness.
Lord, I'm trying to want to suffer well or even any bit better. I have been watching movies of saints, and I admit I just don't have it in me. My one hope has been that my late spiritual father, the Spiritual Da, has put in a good word for me with Jesus to let me join him and various others whom I love and love me, whom I've not been with since they've passed.
With that hopeful thought, I might be able to get some oomph to suffer better in hopes that if I suffer well, with nicer thoughts and more tolerance of those who don't realize they are practicing medicine out of their depths, out of their league, or whatever my gripe and grumpiness, then maybe I'll stand a better chance of getting to the other side, even if a long time in purgatory having my vast impurities expunged.
Then I reconsider, for it is said that if we do better while in this life, it is best. On the other side while getting our act put together in order to be pure enough to share the light of Christ, it can seem more the challenge because we will desire all the more for heaven, for purity. It is all more clear when we are out of this temporal realm because we do not have the temporal distractions. That is the suffering--of seeing what we long for yet learning what we did not learn here. Perhaps that can seem longer than suffering this now, hour by hour, day by day.
I am ungrateful for the blessings! I have been able to at least be mobile even if in constant pain, all these 35 years, other than in the pain sieges. I could get up and garden, or paint a wall, or use other means to distract myself. I could clear my mind from pain enough to read a marvelous book which takes my mind to Christ and to all goodness. But now I'm immobilized at this point other than a painful half hour or so upright, and then spaced out from pain of nerve issues going up the spine, as well as into the legs and feet. The head is disoriented from odd nerve sensations. Usual pain meds aren't touching it!
And this is the plight of every single person who suffers. So many suffer! And we all will suffer at some point or many points in our lives, other than those blessed ones who die in their sleep, or who have a sudden, massive affliction that separates their bodies from life on this earth, and they find themselves leaving their bodies and entering into the joy and bliss of eternity with God, to one degree or other.
But, now I recall the sharing by the dermatologist a week ago. One of his patients told him of a death experience she had. She'd not been living a good life; she'd been doing wrong, or not her best. So in her death experience, demons chased her with pitchforks prior to God sending her back to live. The dermatologist asked his patient, "That really must have changed your life totally, surely?" The woman responded, "No. Not really."
Wow! My death experience had me changed all the more--all the more religious, all the more desiring to please God, to glorify God! I have been praying for this woman, wherever she is now, here or on the other side, somewhere, hopefully not with the demons having pitched their forks into her forever, cast in hell. Perhaps if she passed and did not come back, she converted just in time at her judgment. But I can wonder what is someone's chance when flaunting themselves after God had given them such grace of a second chance?
Well, he forgives and forgives and forgives. God is mercy and love. Yet I must be very careful. I must shape it up! I'd best not be so snappy and so grumpy. Of all the graces God has given me probably due to all the suffering, I'm not pleasing by my seemingly not lending myself to His loving grace and rather fussing in agony.
i don't know. Just my thoughts. I really need to, though, have the grace to be gracious. I need help suffering better. So here I am, always asking God for more. He's given me at least a time for a surgery of unknown outcomes, but will be more suffering before less, of that I do know. So I'd better beg and beg for the grace to suffer better, as more is to come.
Heroic suffering is possible. I must have that kind of faith. Yet, if better that I be humbled knowing I am not suffering any where approaching heroic suffering, then thank the Lord that I be humbled. But as far as kindness and gentleness to others, or some means to warn people--it could be as simple as the intake person this morning said to me: We have to do our own homework these days (as to medical considerations of which we are being treated).
I will try to renew my vow of suffering. Every single word I should probably read and ponder, and to recall that time in my life in which I was inflamed with (too much, I think, looking back now) zeal. Yet in that time period of my life, the Lord would have understood my being quite zealous in, yes, like the young PA: a well-intentioned zealousness. I was filled with zeal of a new convert, of one recently entering into deeper conversion of major phase, much like the PA having graduated college and excited about research and hoping perhaps of having found an "unusual case" to discuss with endocrinologists.
I've been there. I've been like that. I recall after my Master's Degree, I was filled with lots of ideas and statistics and recent studies and ways of doing things in my temporal profession.
Now, I simply need to submit myself to Christ, to surrender myself fully to His Real Presence, and try to be still, to not squirm in this suffering body. Keep my mind, heart, and soul more stilled.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Remember, He is in us! We are in Him even if we think or feel we are not!
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