Some might think a consecrated Catholic hermit of over 17 years would "have it all together." The perception might be that such a hermit after all those years would be wise, filled with peace that passeth all understanding, and possess an other-worldly air and pithy phrases uttered with slow, soft cadence.
Yet today here is this consecrated Catholic hermit of over 17 years since profession of vows, and I have been beseeching Jesus to help me endure, to be able to manage physical pain and more so, to manage my thoughts of which while I know the devil desires to discourage me, I do feel the temptation to throw in the towel, to continue resting on this sleeping bag on the floor rather than to unload some of the half-cubic yard of potting soil and get it mixed into the raised beds awaiting vegetable seeds.
Then there is the perception of a consecrated Catholic hermit being sought after by family, friends, and strangers--desired and admired for any tidbits of spiritual insights or other forms of sage advice to help pilgrims along their temporal and spiritual journeys. (The two go hand in hand, after all--the temporal and the spiritual, even if the spiritual is the reality extending throughout eternity.)
Rather, recently someone commented on prayer updates this hermit provided, and with some frustration as to the focus on the prayer needs as well as the praises, the person suddenly ceased the entrance to criticizing and instead threw up the hands and said, "Well, that is just you--just how you are."
Yes, that is how I am--very spiritual, very inclined to religious focus, unabashed in praying and in delight in all things of Christ and also all things Catholic which is my pathway and the vehicle of my vocation. So yes, that is just me, just how I am. Religious through and through in one sense, yet very human in another.
I laugh, I complain, I talk sometimes without thinking--maybe more often than I realize, and while I know the devil is lurking always, and I know Christ is with me for I am in Him, I also am a weak human being who is tired, pained, and weary. And while the Lord has increased the individualized training of just what I need in particular, living in abject faith and increasing stakes in life in His Real Presence in the Order of the Present Moment, it is not easy.
Jesus endured with such mercy and grace--yes, with perfection as He Is God and God Is Love--the people with whom He found Himself while in His earthly form and life. I console my imperfections by reminding myself He endures me, as well. He accepts me as His hermit who is not profound, not lofty in the virtues, not exuding any noticeable spiritual essence. He endures my weaknesses, my on-going battle with the devil who never ceases to try to get a foothold with the constant and intractable physical pain--in addition to whatever other sufferings that come with any of us who are navigating this current, temporal existence.
I was at the dermatologist bright and early--7 a.m. Had to get into civilization, leaving the hermitage in the duskiness of pre-dawn. The dermatologist (older than this old hermit) was filled with what I recalled a year or more ago as extremely high energy. Lots of zip and zoom, and he is ever so positive and proficient. Yet his high energy was not annoying as what hyperactivity might be. While I do not envy nor covet, I did find myself asking the Lord to please give me even 10% of that energy.
That prayer has not been answered in the affirmative. As the day has gone forth, for the past couple of hours and in this present moment, I have been back on the floor, resting, distracting some with correspondence, and with pondering aspects such as if I did have a bit more energy, what task might I attempt while daylight is still blessing this locale?
I return to begging Jesus to help me just be, to rest and relax if that is what must be, and to not be frustrated that I am not shoveling off some of that potting soil, nor setting up the tile saw out near the front porch that would be in better proximity to the upstairs' bathroom. Yes, a shower remains to be tiled, and it is not going to be a typical tile job for part of the shower "wall" is a 45-degree angled wall-ceiling.
I also beg Jesus to help me have strength to keep my attitude positive, to be of good cheer, to pray more and better for so many needs of so many souls in this world and beyond. I beg Him to help me be all that He desires me to be, and that includes not being much at all.
The perceptions I even hold of how a hermit ought be, I admit are not always that realistic. Truth be told, consecrated Catholic hermits are human beings--yes, avowed and professed and part of the Consecrated Life of the Catholic Church--but we'd be mistaken if we thought we'd arrived at some elevated status of great holiness, wisdom, or have fulfilled even a portion of perceptions of how or what a Catholic hermit would or should be.
While my vocational path has certain unique aspects that differ from other vocations in the Church, and of which are individualized compared to other vocations in the Consecrated Religious Life, I am simply a soul striving to love the Lord with all my body, heart, mind and spirit. I desire to be in Christ, to remain in His Love, to be His fully in whatever fullness possible at any present moment, given the fact that I am very human.
My spiritual father wrote not too long ago, reminding me that we will not be perfect until we are no longer alive in this temporal realm. "Perfection occurs in heaven," he stated. Yet we are in process here; we desire to be perfected. So true, so true! And yet our perceptions can become skewed from the reality of our human existences despite our vows, our vocations, our desire to fulfill even our own often-unrealistic perceptions of how and what we should be, or how and what hermits (or others in a religious vocation ought be.
We really cannot try to live up to our or others' perceptions of a holy hermit. We muddy the waters if we do. Better to remain gazing into the clear waters of reality in which we know--any of us--what we are now, who we are, how we are, and as we are in this present moment. Then in Christ, we unfold in His love and will. He knows our imperfections; He knows our humanness, our hopes and dreams and also our weakness and weariness as we pull our bodies along in this life, awaiting the day He takes us to Himself in spirit and life!
God bless His Real Presence in us! Love in His Love!
No comments:
Post a Comment