Catholic Hermit: Better Enduring

A new morning greets me, a gift from God.  Went 5 1/2 hours of sleep after difficulty falling asleep around 1:30 a.m.  I still am resisting taking the 12-hour extended release medication due to how difficult it is to procure in generic form, these days of legitimate pain sufferers being punished, in a real way, due to the sins of others who have abused and do not need the medication.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, the pharmaceutical companies and especially the drugstore corporate deny special orders for the generic form of the medication--not even that strong of one in dose--because they will make $290 instead of $75 for 60 pills by not sending the local store the generic.  The drug insurance will not pay toward it at all, in generic or trade name of medication.

Thus I've been trying to cope with less sleep and more pain, despite my doctor prescribing and having insisted I fill the script.  Doing so caused great inconvenience to the helpful and loyal family member who had to drive quite a distance to the one store that had 60 of the generic form in stock; they told her, once there, the policy was for her to wait 90 minutes before they would fill the script.  

She explained her parent had serious and extensive spinal surgery; obviously they look in the records that all of us have accessible to the various spokes of the medical wheel and could see this is but the second prescription, the low dose, the length of time between prescriptions, no abuse, legitimate medical doctor.  She was not allowed to leave the store--as could have picked up groceries or run other errand; but after an hour they relented, evidently satisfied this was not going to a street addict as I guess they tend not to stick around?  That is all we could figure for what they said was store policy.

So I suffer more with less sleep and waking up with pain out of control.  I continue to desire very much to make more of my life to be worthwhile, to be pleasing to God, to be helpful to others.  Pain can so easily suck a person in on himself.  When the pain is so high, the thoughts can be so low.  

I battle the devil each morning; each morning the Lord rules my mind, heart, and soul.  Together He and I succeed in making it through, despite the severity of pain and the obvious setback this past week.  Could it be that I am feeling the pain that previously was masked by the 12-hour extended release "dear" pill at night?  

Frankly, I wanted to stop having to take that medication not only for the hassle with the pharmacy but also because I'd like to be rid of having to take it.  I'd like to be able to progress more, somehow have the body and mind be able to manage the pain without.  Is it a combination of resentment of persecution by government and pharmaceutical companies and a resentment that my post-surgery recovery and status is not where maybe it ought to be, or I want it to be?  

Is this resentment also a form of pride in that I think I should not yet be in this much pain, or that I do not want to admit to the reality that I might be incapable of handling this pain and the debilitating effects and progress at standstill and in fact, this setback?

Whatever, I've texted four people this morning.  I'm striving in this day the Lord is giving me, to put myself out of self and into offering positive love and peace, and prayers for others.  

My body is but a temporal thing even if the amount of pain in it and the inability to get up much and move about, let alone "do" but the essentials of basic survival, dictate the bodily aspect of this new day.  And the pain also very much affects the mind and the heart/emotions, and the pain thus can affect the spirit, the attitude, in which mind and heart live out and watercolor brush-wash this day in grays or colors.

I choose colors, as much as my choice might influence, for my soul contains the will God gave me and my intellect.  I recall the hermit in the documentary on Mt. Athos saying that a hermit must control his thoughts to avoid depression.  I need to control my thoughts to simply exist and to hope in God to better endure--to endure better than just enduring, to endure better than average (of course could be less than average) existing.

In my morning Scripture reading I also read selection 2845 in The Catechism of the Catholic Church. (When I first became Catholic in 1995, it seemed to me that if The Catechism were what all governments of the world and all people utilized in its practical and profound suggestions for our interpersonal relationships and explanations of the Scriptures, the world and our lives would be peaceably more functional and indeed, lovely.)

I've currently been focusing on forgiveness in excerpts from The Catechism.  I like this statement from 2845:  

"We are always debtors:  'Owe no one anything, except to love one another.'"  

This is the key truth I wish to remember today, despite other thoughts in the selection also are truth, beauty, and goodness.

"The communion of the Holy Trinity is the source and criterion of truth in every relationship.  It is lived out in prayer, above all in the Eucharist."  For this, although I'm not brought the consecrated Host in tangible form, the Lord is asking of me great faith in spiritual communion as well as in embracing the reality that, as Pope Benedict XVI explains in an apostolic letter, the Eucharist is also received in and through the Living Word of God, the Holy Scriptures.  His Word feeds and sustains, is also our daily bread, is communion of the Holy Trinity, binding us with God and others.

In a way, I can consider this pain as a "sower of disunion" if I allow it to be a point of focus and disruption in my mind and heart/emotions.  This additional citation from section 2845 in The Catechism helps me all the more cope in this new morning the Lord has gifted me to live.  I am reminded of the good of prayers that sow peace and love.

"God does not accept the sacrifice of a sower of disunion, but commands that he depart from the altar so that he may first be reconciled with his brother.  For God can be appeased only by prayers that make peace.  To God, the better offering is peace, brotherly concord, and a people made one in the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

I can in this new morning, reconcile myself with this severe physical pain, leaving me an invalid, essentially and substantially.  I also can reconcile with the pharmaceutical companies and the laws and pressures placed upon them and the medical community due to the illicit abuse of pain medications that cause even more suffering to those of us who rely upon such medications to help ease even a small portion of severe, intractable pain for which no other treatments or medications are effective.

I can pray to make peace with my pain and all the circumstances and people involved with how it is that my body came to be in such pain.  From the drunk teen years ago to the earthly spouse whose character was not at a level of being able to remain faithful to marriage vows prior to accident and who absolutely did not have the willingness to remain through better or worse, until death do us part.  The Lord had other plans for me, His beloved and espoused, victim soul of His Sacred Heart, wed now in mystical marriage, with Him, in Him, on His cross, awaiting someday, the consummation of our loving union.

I pray to make peace; to make for God the better offering of peace, my own asking forgiveness is crucial, for I am a debtor, myself.  I'm still being reminded of sins of which I've tucked away or folded into drawers of deception.  When they are revealed, no matter how seemingly insignificant, I ask God to forgive me, directly, with sincerity of heart and with remorse.  The greater effort, though, for me, seems to be to have the tried-and-true faith which assures that God has indeed forgiven me!

In this new morning the Lord has gifted, I pray for not only brotherly concord with others, but also that I be made one in the unity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I also pray very much for those without legitimate physical pain but with obviously a type of psychological pain, a social or emotional pain that causes them to seek medications to get some sort of "high"--a sensation that no one with legitimate pain feels from the medication.  For legitimate, physical pain, the medication goes into the bodily system and is utilized by the source of constant suffering, of the area of injury and permanently altered, damaged, physical body. 

I must make peace with these people who play around with medications at parties, or who have addictive personalities, or whose lack of faith or whatever other weaknesses cause them to use medication to alter their mental realities for the "fun" of it, until soon it is not fun at all but rather a ruinous habit of drug addiction.  I must make peace with those who somehow think after their surgeries, that they should not have any pain at all and do not realize that we will still have pain.  I must make peace with those who abuse medications because of ignorance or refusal to accept bearing some suffering for the love of God and in union with Christ, and to be linked with all of us who suffer with Him the chronic crosses of mankind's temporal trials.

I am reminded in Scripture and in this particular selection from The Catechism, that there is no limit to God's forgiveness.  Yes, He forgives me.  He also forgives those for whom I pray for His forgiveness, in that I ask Him to help me forgive those mostly unknown people out there who have caused in various ways, unwittingly I'm sure, more suffering for people like me.

And I recognize that I am one who has unwittingly caused suffering for others in various ways--ways of which I'm not even aware until the Holy Spirit, my angel, or some emissary of God on earth points out to me my harmful doings, the hurts I've perpetuated without conscious intention.

In this new morning, I've become aware in memory of shortcomings as well as knowing that in this new day, I desire to put into my mind and heart that which will improve my soul more than even the thoughtful films that have broadened my thoughts.  I weary of these even though they expose and remind me of what others struggle with in their lives.  I make peace with the good of such media forms that can expand awareness and empathy, lest I succumb to that sucking in on self that pain can so adroitly create in a suffering person's mind and heart.

But what will help most?  I consider all the good for my soul that comes from a short selection of Scripture and, such as from The Catechism, a line for this morning, this day, for my living out:  

Owe no one anything, except to love one another.

This truth is a good thought, a better start and re-start to this new morning.  All that is of God is for my better enduring.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: More Backlash

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has had more backlash through the various levels or rings of my soul.  The devil tries with increasing vigor to up-end the joy and peace of victories won by the Lord, in His graces.  I'm doing many God-pivots:  All glory and honor to God!

Two people have been in contact in the past few days, both females.  Much time and energy, both writing and verbally when I received calls, trying to help with the advice they requested.  Each had to do with communication issues with spouses, some enabling going on in one case, and some fear of speaking of one's inner needs, in another--giving mixed messages, in other words, and then being upset when the spouse did not do as hoped.

I had been praying about my mission, and it is definitely in the spiritual efforts.  So I even mentioned that providing counsel, especially several times, and then some more, of same or similar temporal, relational topics, would be once or twice.  If others do not want to try out the insights or counsel, fine.  But I must focus on spiritual matters, spiritual counsel.

Yes, partly when one counsels in temporal matters, of course the spiritual aspects are flowing, for the spiritual realm is the basis for the temporal.  And I do very much always bring the spiritual into whatever I write or mention, or think within myself.  And so I did this time, especially when the two women reported back that they had tried to make the small steps toward change, on their parts, that would bring improved communication and relationship with their spouses, for in essence, they were each stepping down on the devil by doing so.

Then, with their victories reported, one wrote of terrible backlashes she was facing.  Yes, the devil gets very angry and tries to create fear, confusion, anger, chaos, division, and all things ugly and upsetting. But she was forewarned as to how not to react; and she did not react with upset.  Yes, that shift in her usual reaction to her spouse who tends to control and belittling, caused him to react with yet more than the usual anger.  

Yet still, she knew in advance this might happen and to not react, no matter what.  If anything smile at the situation, knowing who it was behind the whole trick.  But, I did not emphasize to smile inwardly.  So the outward smile caused yet more anger from her spouse; he had expected the usual, to bring her to tears and begging with apologies for really, nothing.

I should have emphasized more clearly to rejoice within, not outwardly, at the success in taking a first step toward altering the cycle of behavior and communication that had worn quite a pathway in their marriage over the years.  And above all, however, to both women, I shared my recent lesson on the God-pivot, for I have had to do that several times since I even realized this good truth and wrote about it!

They are each turning over the victories of their first steps in improving their relationships with their spouses, which will help their spouses, also, to respect them more, honor their wives--they are turning the victories over to God!  Not dwelling on the tricks of the devil nor of the backlashes that can come, nor of the effort itself: they God-pivot, just as I must in what was a backlash to me, personally.

I figure it came from my agreeing to God that I would spend the time and energy in writing and talking with the two women who had contacted me within a day of each other, wanting help and insights on each of their issues.  I kind of felt that maybe I would be spinning my wheels, and that once more, the insights or advice would not necessarily be taken.  Perhaps as a good thing, my own higher pain levels these days (a couple more lung lining nodules appeared on a later scan and the liver pain flares without much provocation), I was more blunt than my usual blunt.  Yes, maybe it is a good thing, for somehow the bluntness got through to each.

Anyway, yesterday late afternoon after a day of mostly on the mattress but still struggling to caulk the window trim and put a few things away in the kitchen cabinets--those that are installed--I noticed something not quite right about the sink base cabinet.  This is the second one ordered, causing a two-month wait with no sink in the hermitage.  Sure enough--the employee at Lowe's had mucked up again!  She had ordered the farm-style sink base this time, but it was particle board, not plywood.  No one with a modicum of sense would ever have particle board cabinets in a kitchen, let alone as the sink base.  Mercy, Lord!

So I had to call and report to the manager, as the employee was not there.  At least he did not argue or comment but cooperatively took down the information, and the proper sink base will be ordered.  Third time is the charm, right?  But I admit that I started to react.  A foul word came to mind, which is, as Jesus points out in Scripture, as bad as verbalizing or doing.  Now it will be another two months for a sink in here.  I thought about my daughter who was going to come lend a hand this month, but said she'd wait until I had a sink....  So she was going to come in August.  Now, what, when?

Of course I immediately, when I saw that particle board edge that showed, that I was being given backlash.  Just that morning I'd sent the priest a short note, thanking him and assuring him of my prayers for his mission with the parish.  (I have more to write about my positive encounter with the priest prior to Mass this Saturday evening last.  Yes, it all went well, and the Mass was glorious!)

I had prayed during the day for various persons and situations, including in the world. I had tried hard to remain positive despite the increased liver pain and the right thumb flaring up again from an old drill whip-lash from December.  I had to accept that the window trim I'd installed was so-so, for I strive to do all for God (omnia pro Deo!), and with uneven studs, not plumb walls, drywall variance, and a slightly bowed trim board on the longest window and most noticeable, the finished look is not as beautiful as I'd like to be gifting to His Real Presence!  But He knows I certainly did my very best under all circumstances, including the heat that causes my bodily tissues to swell and press all the more on damaged nerves.  PAIN!

So, we get backlash, and we must continue to train ourselves to assess it, not react or give our best try at not reacting (I said aloud a couple times in the conversation with the Lowe's manager:  Lord, give me patience to cope another two months without a sink in the place!), and then God-pivot.

Had a night of so much pain that was awakened at 2:30 a.m., had to take a med, knowing I'd run out sooner.  Could not get back to sleep but rested, and with every thought of whatever that had presented as obstacles, including temptation to discouragement, I gave all glory of the victories to God.  Repeatedly, I gave glory to God!

What good am I if I do not practice and learn the lessons given to me that I pass on to others and expect of them to at least try?  

This morning, when I called the daughter to see if they still planned on coming in August, I had to tell her about not having a sink.  Could they cope with that?  She said they can come for two days.  Of course, I was disappointed. It is not just that I can use all the help I can get, but it is that I would love to have them visit a bit longer and worry about the long drive for them, for but two days.  She also said they would sleep in a tent; she did not want to stay in a "haunted house" where some lady is screaming from upstairs....  Well, that is another story for another post.  

I did my best to comment that we must never fear such things; that I had immediately prayed for that soul who had been calling out, and that I most likely would have the hermitage blessed before they get here, regardless.  But still, they want to sleep in a tent.  I can tell that coming here is not the most fun thing on their summer to-do list!  I kind of wish they would not do it, for I never want others to risk being tired and then traveling, or with my daughter, for her arm to get more injured.  Somehow with the pain in my body for all these years, I dread for others to suffer!

Well, enough of this stream of consciousness sharing.  Suffice it to repeat that when we start putting our foot down on the devil, turn to God more and more, try to fulfill our missions as best we can--there will be increasing backlash.  We must NOT shrink back, as St. Paul wrote in Hebrews.  We are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and endure!  We must step down all the more regardless of backlash, and all the more pivot all toward God, keeping our thoughts and sights on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and love one another as Jesus loves us!  Love and Mercy!  Humbly persevere!