Catholic Hermit: Better Enduring

A new morning greets me, a gift from God.  Went 5 1/2 hours of sleep after difficulty falling asleep around 1:30 a.m.  I still am resisting taking the 12-hour extended release medication due to how difficult it is to procure in generic form, these days of legitimate pain sufferers being punished, in a real way, due to the sins of others who have abused and do not need the medication.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, the pharmaceutical companies and especially the drugstore corporate deny special orders for the generic form of the medication--not even that strong of one in dose--because they will make $290 instead of $75 for 60 pills by not sending the local store the generic.  The drug insurance will not pay toward it at all, in generic or trade name of medication.

Thus I've been trying to cope with less sleep and more pain, despite my doctor prescribing and having insisted I fill the script.  Doing so caused great inconvenience to the helpful and loyal family member who had to drive quite a distance to the one store that had 60 of the generic form in stock; they told her, once there, the policy was for her to wait 90 minutes before they would fill the script.  

She explained her parent had serious and extensive spinal surgery; obviously they look in the records that all of us have accessible to the various spokes of the medical wheel and could see this is but the second prescription, the low dose, the length of time between prescriptions, no abuse, legitimate medical doctor.  She was not allowed to leave the store--as could have picked up groceries or run other errand; but after an hour they relented, evidently satisfied this was not going to a street addict as I guess they tend not to stick around?  That is all we could figure for what they said was store policy.

So I suffer more with less sleep and waking up with pain out of control.  I continue to desire very much to make more of my life to be worthwhile, to be pleasing to God, to be helpful to others.  Pain can so easily suck a person in on himself.  When the pain is so high, the thoughts can be so low.  

I battle the devil each morning; each morning the Lord rules my mind, heart, and soul.  Together He and I succeed in making it through, despite the severity of pain and the obvious setback this past week.  Could it be that I am feeling the pain that previously was masked by the 12-hour extended release "dear" pill at night?  

Frankly, I wanted to stop having to take that medication not only for the hassle with the pharmacy but also because I'd like to be rid of having to take it.  I'd like to be able to progress more, somehow have the body and mind be able to manage the pain without.  Is it a combination of resentment of persecution by government and pharmaceutical companies and a resentment that my post-surgery recovery and status is not where maybe it ought to be, or I want it to be?  

Is this resentment also a form of pride in that I think I should not yet be in this much pain, or that I do not want to admit to the reality that I might be incapable of handling this pain and the debilitating effects and progress at standstill and in fact, this setback?

Whatever, I've texted four people this morning.  I'm striving in this day the Lord is giving me, to put myself out of self and into offering positive love and peace, and prayers for others.  

My body is but a temporal thing even if the amount of pain in it and the inability to get up much and move about, let alone "do" but the essentials of basic survival, dictate the bodily aspect of this new day.  And the pain also very much affects the mind and the heart/emotions, and the pain thus can affect the spirit, the attitude, in which mind and heart live out and watercolor brush-wash this day in grays or colors.

I choose colors, as much as my choice might influence, for my soul contains the will God gave me and my intellect.  I recall the hermit in the documentary on Mt. Athos saying that a hermit must control his thoughts to avoid depression.  I need to control my thoughts to simply exist and to hope in God to better endure--to endure better than just enduring, to endure better than average (of course could be less than average) existing.

In my morning Scripture reading I also read selection 2845 in The Catechism of the Catholic Church. (When I first became Catholic in 1995, it seemed to me that if The Catechism were what all governments of the world and all people utilized in its practical and profound suggestions for our interpersonal relationships and explanations of the Scriptures, the world and our lives would be peaceably more functional and indeed, lovely.)

I've currently been focusing on forgiveness in excerpts from The Catechism.  I like this statement from 2845:  

"We are always debtors:  'Owe no one anything, except to love one another.'"  

This is the key truth I wish to remember today, despite other thoughts in the selection also are truth, beauty, and goodness.

"The communion of the Holy Trinity is the source and criterion of truth in every relationship.  It is lived out in prayer, above all in the Eucharist."  For this, although I'm not brought the consecrated Host in tangible form, the Lord is asking of me great faith in spiritual communion as well as in embracing the reality that, as Pope Benedict XVI explains in an apostolic letter, the Eucharist is also received in and through the Living Word of God, the Holy Scriptures.  His Word feeds and sustains, is also our daily bread, is communion of the Holy Trinity, binding us with God and others.

In a way, I can consider this pain as a "sower of disunion" if I allow it to be a point of focus and disruption in my mind and heart/emotions.  This additional citation from section 2845 in The Catechism helps me all the more cope in this new morning the Lord has gifted me to live.  I am reminded of the good of prayers that sow peace and love.

"God does not accept the sacrifice of a sower of disunion, but commands that he depart from the altar so that he may first be reconciled with his brother.  For God can be appeased only by prayers that make peace.  To God, the better offering is peace, brotherly concord, and a people made one in the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

I can in this new morning, reconcile myself with this severe physical pain, leaving me an invalid, essentially and substantially.  I also can reconcile with the pharmaceutical companies and the laws and pressures placed upon them and the medical community due to the illicit abuse of pain medications that cause even more suffering to those of us who rely upon such medications to help ease even a small portion of severe, intractable pain for which no other treatments or medications are effective.

I can pray to make peace with my pain and all the circumstances and people involved with how it is that my body came to be in such pain.  From the drunk teen years ago to the earthly spouse whose character was not at a level of being able to remain faithful to marriage vows prior to accident and who absolutely did not have the willingness to remain through better or worse, until death do us part.  The Lord had other plans for me, His beloved and espoused, victim soul of His Sacred Heart, wed now in mystical marriage, with Him, in Him, on His cross, awaiting someday, the consummation of our loving union.

I pray to make peace; to make for God the better offering of peace, my own asking forgiveness is crucial, for I am a debtor, myself.  I'm still being reminded of sins of which I've tucked away or folded into drawers of deception.  When they are revealed, no matter how seemingly insignificant, I ask God to forgive me, directly, with sincerity of heart and with remorse.  The greater effort, though, for me, seems to be to have the tried-and-true faith which assures that God has indeed forgiven me!

In this new morning the Lord has gifted, I pray for not only brotherly concord with others, but also that I be made one in the unity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I also pray very much for those without legitimate physical pain but with obviously a type of psychological pain, a social or emotional pain that causes them to seek medications to get some sort of "high"--a sensation that no one with legitimate pain feels from the medication.  For legitimate, physical pain, the medication goes into the bodily system and is utilized by the source of constant suffering, of the area of injury and permanently altered, damaged, physical body. 

I must make peace with these people who play around with medications at parties, or who have addictive personalities, or whose lack of faith or whatever other weaknesses cause them to use medication to alter their mental realities for the "fun" of it, until soon it is not fun at all but rather a ruinous habit of drug addiction.  I must make peace with those who somehow think after their surgeries, that they should not have any pain at all and do not realize that we will still have pain.  I must make peace with those who abuse medications because of ignorance or refusal to accept bearing some suffering for the love of God and in union with Christ, and to be linked with all of us who suffer with Him the chronic crosses of mankind's temporal trials.

I am reminded in Scripture and in this particular selection from The Catechism, that there is no limit to God's forgiveness.  Yes, He forgives me.  He also forgives those for whom I pray for His forgiveness, in that I ask Him to help me forgive those mostly unknown people out there who have caused in various ways, unwittingly I'm sure, more suffering for people like me.

And I recognize that I am one who has unwittingly caused suffering for others in various ways--ways of which I'm not even aware until the Holy Spirit, my angel, or some emissary of God on earth points out to me my harmful doings, the hurts I've perpetuated without conscious intention.

In this new morning, I've become aware in memory of shortcomings as well as knowing that in this new day, I desire to put into my mind and heart that which will improve my soul more than even the thoughtful films that have broadened my thoughts.  I weary of these even though they expose and remind me of what others struggle with in their lives.  I make peace with the good of such media forms that can expand awareness and empathy, lest I succumb to that sucking in on self that pain can so adroitly create in a suffering person's mind and heart.

But what will help most?  I consider all the good for my soul that comes from a short selection of Scripture and, such as from The Catechism, a line for this morning, this day, for my living out:  

Owe no one anything, except to love one another.

This truth is a good thought, a better start and re-start to this new morning.  All that is of God is for my better enduring.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Another Adventure

Woke up yesterday with vertigo.  Ended up getting a ride to the major hospital to get brain scan, as needed to rule out not my brain bleeds leaking.  I never thought that was the case; but a produce table patron called her RN husband to come and advise, as she and another who saw me noticed I was not doing so well--vertigo and spacey feeling in head.

I attributed it all to my spinal column, especially the neck.  The shift in weather has thrown a major hindrance into my back and also head injury area.  As I consider "leaving pain", all the more there it was and needing to be addressed in a temporal manner.

The EMS guys were wonderful, as they insisted it best to return to the hospital that took the brain scans following the head injury.  I had been unable to return due to no means to get there for my follow up brain scan and neurosurgical consult.  The EMS guys pointed out if I went to an easier-access hospital for the scan it would need to be compared to the original brain scan. 

(I did need, of course, to know the status of the brain bleeds at some point and to be released to take the nsaid prescription medication that has helped my spine for years with inflammation amid the increasing arthritis build-up).

So off we went, and what a day it was in the ER of this huge medical center complex.  I'm too fatigued at the moment to write about what I heard and observed all about me, but I knew the Lord had a purpose in this dousing into fact and reality of the big world out there--beyond what I see, filtered, through this little window to the world, my laptop.

Ended up a type of vertigo and was taught via demonstrating with me as the object, means of balancing inner ear, by a doctor and the resident or intern doctors he was instructing in situ.  That seems, to me, the minor benefit of spending a long day there, surrounded by drug addicts (one cuffed on two limbs to her ER gurney and a policeman with her at all times) and homeless street persons, also drug addicts.  

Only toward evening did my "ER neighbors" switch out to a child with burns and an elderly man with wife accompanying.  He had hit his head a couple weeks prior but two days ago lost the ability to formulate words in any logical fashion.

Then while waiting for a taxi to get me as far as possible so a neighbor could pick me up without having to drive into the traffic-laden streets of mind-boggling metropolis, a street man who was hanging around the ER waiting area, was readying to expose himself and do an indecent sex act.  I went to the employee at the intake desk, and she said he'd done that the day before and she'd kicked him out....  But she gave him another chance today.

Lord, have mercy.  I pointed out there could be children and teen girls in the waiting area (and later, indeed, there were), and shouldn't a sexual predator be arrested and removed?  He was stalking me, for pity's sake, following me around, after he had approached with stating his desires and had I not stood up and walked away, was readying himself for indecent exposure.

Obviously, a very disturbed man, maybe or probably mentally ill, but...still...not right or good to be thus in public, among people with their physical ailments coming for help.  The employee said the police have worse things to deal with, and she'd call security.  I don't know if she did; a couple wandered through an hour or so later (cab was not aware of the FAX sent them by hospital to pick me up until another person waiting called the cab company and let me talk with them, as well).  

But the man then was deep into his cell phone.  Yes, a cell phone, although a shelter person; and I wondered why they did not check what he had on that phone that was of such interest, since he was known to the employee as having exposed himself and performed sexual act in public just the day prior.

Yet, the reality of so many homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted humanity would be a rather overwhelming task, especially when one officer was for his entire shift, sitting by an addict brought from jail for anxiety issues as she was "drying out" after being arrested.  At the end of his shift, a police woman arrived to take over the inmate watch.  She had been given various medications to try to calm her, yet all the while she wanted more of what not best to give her.  

But they did give enough of various levels of drugs to get the addicts somewhat calmed; one was admitted for hoped for help, and the other was going to be returned to jail upon release.  A third was still being treated for gashes and open wounds--some altercation on the streets.  He was asked what drugs he was on, and the young man had no qualms in stating, and the doctors took it in as daily matter-of-fact.

Well, it is daily, nightly, and matter-of-fact to the employees and the addicts.  A nurse told me this is typical and most of ER dealing with those who come in off the streets with drug needs or drug-related injuries and ailments.  Yet there were the few, such as my vertigo and brain bleed concern to be checked, the man with the head injury that evidently did not fare well even though he'd been to a couple other hospitals in the two weeks between his hitting and two days ago losing ability to verbalize in any logical word order.  The little girl also, was there with the burns from hot "play dough soup" she was somehow making with the use of a stove or some means powerful enough to pose a burn risk.  

In the ER waiting room were a few street people coming in wanting and needing (for addicts go through terrible bodily problems when they do not have their next "fix) drugs but many more were there with other injuries.  I was in but one small area of a vast ER, after all.  I heard some employee speak of gunshot victim coming in, and there would be the heart attacks, strokes, and car accident patients, the broken legs and arms, the high fevers, the seizures and whatever all else from all manner of the various ailments our human bodies can have.

Even the cab driver was a fascinating man from perhaps Lebanon or Egypt, and we had a marvelous conversation, as did the neighbor woman and I have when she picked me up in another world--quieter area in which to drive.

At least I got the follow up brain scan, needed, and the brain bleeds have gotten "a little bit smaller", the doctor said. I had no idea--thought they'd be gone by now.  But no, brain bleeds take quite a long time to heal, to be reabsorbed by the body.  Mine was described as going from front to back more along the mid-part of my head, the top but down in more, and not two distinct bleeds but rather more joined along the center between the two larger areas.  But I am able to take my anti-inflammatory prescription medicine again, praise God!

Of course, my issue is now all the more minor compared to what I was immersed in and with whom.  A couple nurses asked me how I was able to so well manage my pain, as they said these others are in pain of their own, as there are various types of pain for which people medicate with whatever means, or addicted as a form of pain in itself of wrong choices and stuck in a horrific mire.  But the nurses speaking to me about it, briefly, mused that I was able to manage my injury pain which worsens with age for physiological reasons,  and these others do not.  

I am blessed with education and have become rather an individual pain clinic, researching and reading and learning all manner of pain management techniques.  I take supplements and vitamins and use diet as means to help in any small way, am certified in clinical hypnotherapy, took doctoral coursework in psychology and most helped by the pharmacology courses, and keep up with what is new but also what is time-tried-and-true in medications.

But I also said, I am a contemplative, and I do my best to unite my sufferings with Christ on His cross.  Yet, I admitted that managing my pain is a major effort and life-work.  And I do not do that well, actually, and know it is only going to get worse, the pain, and I never know if I will be able to manage it or at some point, not.

I have been considering the thought I wrote previously, of "leaving pain" as an aspect of "leaving everything" to follow Jesus Christ.  Yesterday I did not leave pain but rather was immersed in it all the more not only with the added pain of my neck and back and the vertigo, but in being surrounded by magnitudes of human suffering in the ER which was as large in size and scope as are some total hospitals elsewhere.

Today is the day we Catholic Christians celebrate as the birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  I'm turning my thoughts to her as best I can, although the unexpected adventure of yesterday and all the nuances of the various persons I encountered, are with me as if floating in and out of the silence of my now lovely and peaceful hermitage.

Need to start unloading mulch from truck and then get to bank.  Finances have reached a snafu with a check not arriving in the mail; and the Visa bill is due now.  I consider that with the vertigo still not gone fully for now, working in the gardens is close to the earth, and the earth is not going to be a hard-fall but rather soft, giving, and cushioned. God provides!  

And the exercise will surely help my body to loosen itself which can only be helpful to the inner ear balancing those little tiny things in it that the doctor described as like grains of sand, that can get out of balance and thus need body-head positioning strategies to get them back in balance.

All is rather amazing, in life, truly.