Catholic Hermit: Helpful, on Humility

I read this a few days ago and ever find helpful on humility.  Written by a monk and priest, Theognostios, and included, as from the Philokalia, may these word-thoughts uplift and restore us on this Thanksgiving Day (celebrated today in the USA).

"When you are completely detached from all earthly things and when, your conscience clear, you are at any moment ready in heart to leave this present life and to dwell with the Lord, then you may recognize that you have acquired true virtue.  If you want to be known to God, do all that you can to remain unknown to men....

"Consciously look on yourself as an ant or a worm, so that you can become a man formed by God.  If you fail to do the first, the second cannot happen.  The lower you descend, the higher you ascend; and when you begin to realize that you have nothing and know nothing, then you will become rich in the Lord through practice of the virtues and spiritual knowledge.

"Since salvation comes to you as a free gift, give thanks to God your savior.  If you wish to present Him with gifts, gratefully offer from your widowed soul two tiny coins, humility and love, and God will accept these in the treasury of His salvation more gladly than the host of virtues deposited there by others....

"For even if the treasure of those who are dispassionate consists of every virtue, the precious stone of humility is more valuable than them all; it brings about not only propitiation with the Creator, but also entry with the elect into the bridal chamber of His Kingdom."

The description of the soul as being widowed is apt.  In various ways, our souls are as such.  In my recent consideration of the hermit vocation as set forth in The Catechism's sections 920-921, I realize that God provided this vocation for me as a place of refuge, out of His foreknowing what would unfold in my life, from as early as 1984 and with more obvious vision and locution in early 1986.  The word "hermit" was not used then, but rather that I would "need to learn to hibernate like a bear, for protection from the world."

Of all my many faults and weaknesses,  I most react pathetically to rejection.  Rejection is my most challenging life aspect.  Being or feeling--either one--rejected can cast me down to the devil's doorway more than I think anything other of life's occurrences.  And it does not take much to experience rejection, to feel it, to recognize being rejected.

Often enough I'm sure some fault of mine, or even a sense of my not liking rejection, or the hurt reaction to rejection even if masked, all the more invites rejection to occur.  It is a quite easy way for those who dislike or feel burdened by another, to do or say even the smallest of actions or words or in fact, non-response, to create the rejection that will wound.

All the more, then, rejection of others, whether one's personhood or way of being could somehow justify the rejection in whatever form of many forms rejection takes, can cause us to turn all the more to God Who never rejects.  The turning away from those who knowingly or unwittingly reject, can then in some ways, seem as if the one rejected is rejecting by turning to God and away from others and the world.

Fascinating business, all this; and yet there is cause and effect in rejection.  We all have rejected others for one reason or another.  Either we cannot handle or cope with some person or situation, or they have rejected for whatever reasons, and the one rejected turns away to avoid more pain of rejection, thus in turn, essentially rejecting those who reject.  It becomes on-going, or can.

I suppose the cessation of a rejection can be secured in turning all the more to God.  There is security in God, for others who turn to God will also be there, and in God's love and His forgiveness, there is not rejection.  We are never a burden to God; we never "trigger" in God some rejective reaction or response.  When we speak to or call upon God, we are always answered in one way or another.  Never spurned, are we, by God.

In my hermit life, I admit that it is not a vocation that I sought out.  In fact, I would have chosen for myself to be a normal parent, not with incessant back pain, married to the temporal spouse through thick or thin, sickness or health, and having a normal type Thanksgiving Day with spouse, perhaps hosting Thanksgiving Dinner or visiting one or more of the adult children and their families.  We'd likely be of one faith, perhaps all celebrating Mass this morning in our respective places or even together.  There would be the normal relationships socially, with others.  

There would not be the rejection or resentment.  I would not be remembered as a burden-bundle of pain, or for the negatives of flaws, words or things done of my imperfect self, the vices seemingly enhanced and embellished over the pain-riddled years.  I still tend to not do what I resolve:  to not reach in, to not contact unless contacted, to not expect normalcy in responses any more than I can provide normalcy in offering of self.

So the Lord provided the eremitic life in His foreknowledge, in His omniscience of all matters past, present, and future.  And I, over time, evolved as others went on to live their ordained lives; and while I never anticipated the effect my personhood and flawed self would create in results later on, I am thankful for God's calling me to eremitic life.  He provides a place for me, and I accepted His call even before I had much inkling of how best and providential as temporal time passed and continues to pass.  

I accept always His will and His call!

For me, and perhaps for other hermits, the vocation is God's will and call, not our choosing if we actually thought in terms of life as our choice, not God's will.  Hermit life, as in other vocations such as single and married life, holy orders, or even in career/job vocations--life is essentially sacrificial of our wills dying in loving humility, to do as God asks of us no matter the circumstances in which we are called by God's providence and will.  Humble acceptance and thanksgiving are our loving responses to our loving God.

I can now pray in ways not previously as effective, such as the increasing physical pain praying and the interior, soul-pain praying.  Love-praying, it all is.  God's love praying through, with, and in me, for His glory and for His loving good of others known and unknown to me.  Praise of God, is love-pain-praying.  And consideration of rejection as not that, but rather as what is positive in freeing others to be of and for God in whatever ways He wills, or if they choose not God for now, He gives them that freedom of will, as well.  

Love-pain pray for those I love and for those I hurt and for those who hurt.  We are humans who hurt and are hurting in our widowed souls, no matter if yet or ever earthly wed...or not.

Humility is necessary, always.  Humility allows us to forgive, to suffer, to love.

Blessed Thanksgiving, one and all!  Thank God for all our lives, lived, we pray, with love, in the various ways God has ordained, allowed, unfolded for us.  God bless His Real Presence in us!  He has a place for each of us in His Kingdom, on earth as it is in Heaven!

Catholic Hermit: Writing My Way Through

I'm sure any of you readers who bother to check what I'm writing on any kind of regular basis, have recognized that my plight currently is more severe than in the past, in general.  In the past, I'd have horrific pain sieges, but this is on-going suffering of a level at which I've never experienced before.

So you see that I am "writing my way through the pain," or attempting to.

We do what we must do to survive that which has us pushed to the limits.  I'd better tonight make myself take the one, small, costly pill that I'd eliminated a week ago.  Perhaps that one medication was masking this pain enough so that I could accomplish the tiny bit of walking, minimal leg exercise, and manage the pain, plus the small efforts of basic food and self-maintenance.

Today I've showered.  That is an ordeal for I must go without the brace in combination of standing and sitting while showering, drying, dressing, then brace back on.  I rarely do what I know in advance is going to cause increased pain--what is a "given."  But I was past-due.  

I'm taking my usual meds closer together--this is prescribed, actually, but I was pleased when I could stretch them farther apart and take less.  However, I'm still taking higher dose than what I had to take before this surgery.  Well, dear Lord, perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon?

My desire is if the Lord would give me the supernatural grace to cope with this amount of pain but on this level of medication or, of course, less, and that I'd still be able to be up and do the walking the 7 houses and back, even twice a day.

The family member called.  Cannot come today, which is fine although the trees and plants in pots are drooping drastically.  All is silent at the neighbor's; they may be out on a lovely Saturday afternoon.

Per the family member phone call, the family member also is concerned about this pain level and whatever it was, so minimal, that set me back--even if the discontinuing of the one pill at night.  We never had any idea that this pain level and debilitation would be at this low plane, 2 1/2 months after surgery.  Hard to believe that the surgeon in his nonchalant way, really meant it when he said how severe and extremely complex was this spinal surgery.

As to the appreciated distraction of news clips and hunting for elevating films--documentaries such as the one of the man born with cerebral palsy who achieved much good for so many--I'm wearied of all that.  Even the marvelous ones, the encouraging, creative, uplifting distractions have me clamoring all the more for His Real Presence.  

I desire to be also the uplift, to do the creative good, to be an instrument of encouragement and reminder of God to others!  To pray for others--yes--so as I mentioned to the family member and as I have been admitting in my writing,  my back situation has become a broken record....  Yet, also, I admit it can be helpful to vent some with the family member who knows the realities after all these years.  

But I stopped, for there is no point in going over it once we'd discussed the disappointment and wonderment as to why I'm not improving pain-wise nor able to be up more than the very, very little.  The pain spikes from simply being upright, brace on.  

Yes, be thankful for that amount of mobility, I say to myself; and so I am, and I am also thankful for what pain medication available and helpful in toning down what otherwise would be unbearable pain.  (It gets close to that as it is, thus my writing my way through the pain and seeking the Lord fervently to distract myself from the unbearable aspects of this suffering.) 

Yes, I need to keep focusing outward, on the land of the living and their needs, their interests and lives, their prayer needs, their joys and concerns.

The Lord takes care of me.  I re-read today's Mass Scriptures, this time focusing on Baruch, and lo and behold, these verses toward the end of today's selection as well as the first portion of today's Psalm, is once again, truth, beauty, and goodness!  I'm relating with and connected to Baruch through the centuries of all us people who suffer whatever ailments to whatever extent of pain and struggle.

Now, this uplifts and excites me--to think on it, to live out right now these verses from the Living Word, the Daily Bread, my Eucharist in the Scriptures.

From Baruch 4:27-29:

"Fear not, my children; call out to God!
He who brought this upon you will remember you.
As your hearts have been disposed to stray from God,
turn now ten times the more to seek him;
For he who has brought disaster upon you
will, in saving you, bring you back enduring joy."

And from Psalm 69: 33-34:

"See, you lowly ones, and be glad;
you who seek God, may your hearts revive!
For the LORD hears the poor,
and his own who are in bonds he spurns not.
Let the heavens and the earth praise Him,
the seas and whatever moves in them!"

Whatever more do I need that the Lord has not already provided me?  I'm minimally able to get up and do what essentials necessary; and when I cannot, He helps me understand that not much is actually essential. From His Living Word and the reassurance of his having experienced all and then some, He knows and feels deeply all that I feel and suffer, all that I think and all about which I wonder.

By and by, He provides, including to be His hermit's Beloved Spouse, and to always be true and present with me, for He is suffering itself; He is love in Himself and knows how to transcend the universe of whatever trials we are granted, to see them and live them as opportunities of grace and prayer, of love and praise of God, of salvific union with His Real Presence!

What more could this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit hope for, what more could I ask?  This is an opportunity to live through, with, and in Christ in ways I'd never dreamt would be given me.  This suffering today is a praise of God for the salvation of the world!  I'm existing in Christ crucified, with Him on His cross.

God bless His Real Presence in me and in you!