Has been a busy day in some ways, here at Solus Deus Hermitage!
After morning prayer and Scripture reading, pondering, I drove the distance to see a doctor I rarely have had to meet with, but it is time to get a referral to a gastrointestinal specialist for some suggestions, if nothing else, possibly more tests. The doctor this morning did call in a couple more prescriptions that are newer meds, basically attempting to do what the medication the pain doctor called in, for there is the chance that my body somehow two months ago decided to rebel against a pain med side effect; although the doctor today also said that this is a "motility problem." Yes, it is.
The two meds are as costly and one even more, than the two others that have been prescribed. Consulting with the pharmacist, I came back to the hermitage with under $8 worth of over-counter-aids that will do the same but not quite in the same aspects. I'd have loved to try the other meds had they been reasonably priced, but as a gamble and their side effects--not worth the cost.
I know from within this body, that the high level of pain from the back that is radiating through to the abdomen, is the crux of the intestinal problem. But it is necessary to have a specialist weigh in. I praise God I am blessed now with health insurance and ability to also pay for a supplement--crucial or I'd have been destitute with the surgery cost, three times over. So thankful to God for how He provides.
Of course, had I not been able to finally have health insurance even though I must pay for it, but yes, thankful I could qualify for medicare due to the ten years of marriage, decades ago. Only through the spouse's Medicare, was I able to qualify as I did not have enough Social Security quarters all these years of career loss and disability. And, thanks be to God there is after all these years, a reason, a diagnosis as to why the pain sieges and all else that goes with Adhesive Arachnoiditis.
Yes, God certainly has provided wondrously for me in all phases of life, as He is in this physical phase, as well as most generously in my spiritual progression! In a week, God willing and body able, I will meet with the confessor and find out who he has in mind as my spiritual director.
While I wanted to write about the ways and means we humans tend to go into denial and also the tendencies utilized to deceive ourselves and attempt to deceive others, involving others to augment and ignoring those or arguing against those who try to bring conscious and conscience to awareness, I have been dealing with a couple of items requiring decisions to be made.
One is in regard to something more personal, and temporal; I ask for prayers if any of you are willing, as I must make the final decision before tomorrow late morning. I myself see the positive points as well as the not positive points in the decision to be made. As a hermit, I would ordinarily tend to think to say no to the idea, the action required and responsibilities involved; but I also know there is nothing per se wrong with the idea, for there are many positives, statistically so when it comes to relationship to benefits to chronic pain sufferers.
I've asked the Lord and even three clerks whom I've encountered (temporal strangers to me, other than recognizing their lovely souls!) to please pray for the Lord to let me know if I should proceed, or if I should not, in this choice, this decision. It is temporal in the general and obvious aspect, but the spiritual aspects are, of course, real, valid, and of importance--thus needing God's guidance--a dream, some temporal event that would preclude or let me know definitively yes or no.
Of course, in these situations of our being quite willing to do or not do, to follow through or not in a decision and choice, even if the Lord does not make clear to me His will, if I were to follow through, there is always the opportunity to live and learn, and get out of the situation. Nothing is permanent when it comes to temporal decisions and choices; only God is truly forever....
(Someone once debated that truth with me--that only God is forever. The person argued that we, also are forever. Our souls are eternal. Well, yes, if we are viewing it from our human-self perspective. If we view from the spiritual perspective, from the theological reality, we could only be forever, eternal, by our being in union with God. Thus God is forever, and in Him, we are able to be in eternity through, with, and in Him Who Is Forever. I did not get into it with the person; sometimes I have a bit of prudent sense, thanks be to God.)
I've made another decision that is also, or could be viewed as "temporal," but again, all is spiritual, with the temporal being overlays onto or under the spiritual. The spiritual is the real, the transcendent, the holy, that of the Trinity. The decision I made that is of far greater import than the one I must make over night (although this decision or choice is important; all of our decisions are important for they include the temporal and the spiritual and impact our lives and the lives of all God's creatures and creation).
The decision I've made that is more impactful in various ways, is my first major practice from the Lord as to putting into effect the insight on loving as God loves, in the way He loves, which includes loving because He loves us, and making major sacrifice without expecting anything in return.
Well, now that I think of it, the decision I'm praying about for an answer during the night or in morning--green light or red light from God--also in lesser "stakes" at least from our more temporal view of what is lesser or greater in a more worldly sense, could be in God's Mind and Sight, as needful of me to practice loving selflessly, learning to love while dying more to self and giving over to something other that will have its challenges and sacrifices in more tedious, earthly ways.
I hope in God to write about the ways we hold onto denial, the ways we deceive ourselves and try to deceive others. But that might have to be tomorrow or the next day--always, body able and God willing.
(I've extended the marvelous 3-days of praying for those I've hurt or upset or whom I've had to free for whatever reasons, mostly of which our purposes have been met or is needful to pass on. I have proceeded to pray for all my loves--that means, all souls known or unknown. To then love all the loves as God loves, and to sacrifice, to unite my sufferings and dying to self in union with Christ Whom God sent--His only Son--to expiate for our sins, to redeem us!
This portion of today's Mass first reading, indeed helps me at least to have courage and faith--faith being the flip side of fear--to trust in choices and decisions when God is foremost, and love of others and all God's creation, and striving to love as God loves by being in God Himself--to love through, with, and in Him.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love." ~ I John 4:18
God bless His Real Presence in us!
