Been awhile since writing, but life rolls on, unfolding moment-by-present-moment.
Various themes and topics have flowed in and out in this time period, including one today in which I am pondering the order in which the Old Testament and the Words of Jesus in today's Gospel reading state the content of the greatest commandment/s. Love the Lord thy God with all one's heart, soul, strength; and love the Lord thy God with all one's heart, soul, mind, strength.
Strength is the last mentioned in both OT and Gospel listings of the otherwise the seemingly spatial or locational type words of heart, soul, mind. Of course, the heart, soul, and mind are vast--beyond spatial or locational renderings. Strength, though, evokes that of action, of elemental power to do or be regarding degree of use of heart, soul, and mind.
The one listening to Jesus' Words responded using the word "understanding"--to love God with all one's heart, understanding, and strength. I can also ponder that heart and strength are in all three citations or repetitions, including lingual interpretations of the texts.
Thus, my thoughts today, during a few days of my hosts being off on their own travels, while this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit pet-sits in the abode in which am allowed to live and be, until my hermitage is fully attained, and until I am able to move in.
The topic I had proposed a week or so ago, to continue sharing my thoughts, I will take up now: Hermit Dwellings. I can only share from my own situation which includes 34 years of varying degrees--unpredictable daily and hourly--of physical pain. This pain also leaves me in varying degrees of disability physically, and in high pain times also affects my ability to think clearly or to control emotions such as weeping from severity of pain.
Those of you, my dear readers, who have followed along my saga involving the past 5 1/2 years of being in a hermitage, know I was rather duped during the purchase by a Catholic real estate agent, the inspector she brought, and the first contractor I had of which she had highly recommended. You also probably have followed enough along to know the processes involved in working my way out of that hermitage. I am shamefully human, yes! So much I wished I'd handled in far better manner. Yet I embrace the humility it all brought. Easier to embrace, after the fact, I admit.
Yes, I was rather stuck in a temporal way, as the place was rat (and bird) infested, with unhealthy rat and bird droppings and urine-soaked sheet rock and wood beneath that. I would have put myself in even worse financial situation had I tried to sell it after some of the flaws were exposed to view, and also the extent of the problems in the old farmhouse did not come to view, until more into the project.
As is often said in various aspects both negative and positive in life, "one thing leads to another."
Some of you have followed along with the ups and downs of which I always tend to endure by the grace of God alone. I am blessed that He and the angels and saints and good people in life encourage and remind met to always seek the spiritual view and lessons in the minutest of daily details. You will have figured out that the lengthy stripping down and rebuilding--both of the hermitage and also somewhat myself--met with successful completion. Praise be to God from Whom all blessings flow!
Te Deum Hermitage (aka "Hovel House" in its more temporal term) provided much good despite the suffering this Catholic hermit endured there--and the stripping down of myself all the more, thanks be to God. I cannot emphasize how much the Lord gave me in that awful stripping, bit by bit, of not only a dwelling place on earth and also my earthly body, but of my heart, mind, and soul. He also took me down to the last $600 of lent money. That, too, would have been long gone had it not been for the generosity of my spiritual father four years prior, and a couple friends and an elderly aunt who would now and then send $25 or $100--always when some need would arise of which they had no knowledge afore-hand.
And then there was a family member who over a year ago did not want to see me not finish, as selling "as is" would have been rather disastrous in his way of thinking; and true it would have been, from the point of temporal financial matters. However, my view had become increasingly the spiritual view, of which I had hoped to finish the dwelling as a means of spiritual journey and vision, of making all things new as a metaphor of God's love and efforts in perfecting our souls. I wanted to succeed if God would allow, in creating a beautiful place, filled with my prayers and sufferings, to be a dwelling for whomever God chose next to live there.
Regardless, the Lord allowed. The family member lent what we thought more than enough to finish up; and the Lord surprised us with yet more stripping and physical calamities so good for my body, heart, soul, and mind. In fact, no better could I have thought or imagined did God hone me all the more to be His own, and to fine-tune my hermit vocation in the process.
Yes, I was down to the last $600 of lent money with a tax bill on extension, due in a month or face further penalties. (Even my pride in having never made a late payment on credit card or taxes, was facing the reality of how so many of the poor must make late payments and accrue high interest penalties and bad "credit" in the temporal world when their circumstances leave them bereft of funds for one reason or another.) The Lord humbled me in this regard, and got me to the point of joyful acceptance of the good in prospects of experiencing what the poor around us face often enough. Praise God repeatedly for His ways of dealing with us when we pray for His will be done in however He knows best for the good of our souls!
God provides!
So all that is past now; yes, the Lord delivered me. He allowed this Catholic hermit's dwelling to be completed not only to passable, but it turned out amazingly beautiful and transformed beyond what I ever imagined or envisioned! All debts are repaid with bonuses included, and I'm still in the process of paying-it-forward to any and all who in their kindness gave me any assistance be it in $25 for birthday or the lads who drove from civilization to help, even if they were paid hourly. Those who steadfastly came are being rewarded with bonuses they did not expect. Ah, it is so delightful for everyone!
Yet, now I must locate and secure a new hermitage--and prayerful consideration is involved. The other location proved not positive for my spinal issues and chronic pain: weather was not at all helpful for a good chunk of the year! With the rapidity in which the Lord brought a new person to the "new wineskin" of a dwelling, I got myself and vehicle to the most reasonable location within a driving distance my body could barely handle. (Sitting is ever so difficult, pain wise.) And as I've shared in previous post/s, a family member gave me a room in which to stay until I could know the next step the Lord might reveal.
Hermit dwellings must be considered individually by each and every hermit, depending upon the Lord's will and allowance. His will and allowance always dictates if one is in tune with what one's circumstances truly are. For me, it comes down to mostly these parameters: physical pain issues, age, finances, charity toward all, and all within God's will in my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit. Since my hermit profession of vows is of the private and traditional path, I do not have to obtain the permission of a diocese bishop to depart nor enter a diocese. However, I tend to let a diocese know, via a parish priest to his bishop, of my presence.
So it is that one must know oneself well, when discerning one's hermit dwelling. Certainly, there are always unknowns, of course! I had no idea I'd end up next to a paranoid schizophrenic who would become obsessed with me, in my Agnus Dei hermitage location 11 years ago. Yet indeed did I learn much there, also; and the Lord allowed some doors to close as well as saw far more stripping down and guiding my hermit vocation needed in various temporal ways. God does guide His hermits truly and surely!
Even in this temporary guest room, the Lord has taught me much. It has not been easy--blending in and being of service to the family with whom I am staying even if briefly. They also are not used to another person in their dwelling space. Now, with a few days of their being on travels, and I once more in the silence of solitude--my heart, soul, and mind are sorting themselves a bit with the quiet so helpful to a hermit especially. Silence of solitude is a definite aspect of what the Church sets forth as one of the bases for eremitic life.
And mercy--the hassles of having to be quite temporal in thought and action while navigating the temporal responsibilities and legal aspects in finding and securing a dwelling seems all the more painful and exhausting to this Catholic hermit who far prefers meditating upon the law of God day and night! And the brief time away from the extent of manual labor has helped me know the type of hermit dwelling I should seek and let the Lord find. For the Lord has shown me how good is enforced manual labor within and right outside my earthly dwelling, for distracting from physical pain is also a gift in meditative and even contemplative prayer when in concert. Prayer and work--ora et labora--has helped me know what is beneficial to my personal situation and vocation, both, for now. (All is in the present moment; and all may change in any moment.)
So it is, that it was a sensation of sorts, that led me to pull over at side of a street after having looked at yet another dwelling with an agent whom I had entrusted the Lord, researched online, to find a good real estate agent with high ratings. I pulled over and called him to say I think we need to make an offer. I then and there turned around and met him at office where went through all the tedious legal aspects of the process to set forth in writing, an offer on a dwelling that for various temporal reasons, seems to be best-suited for the temporal parameters for this particular consecrated Catholic hermit.
One really cannot do much as far as the spiritual aspects in such temporal business matters other than to pray for God's will and to trust in Him; for all that other of which is beyond our temporal doing, must unfold. All a hermit (or anyone) can do is to strive to do best in temporal aspects, knowing that the vocational aspects (whatever one's vocation) of the externals are met as well as possible, given all the conditions of body, heart, soul, and mind-and strength.
My, how these past couple or so weeks I've chaffed at the bit in all the paperwork, research, document locating and providing, continuing to examine other dwellings, go over finances and costs. I have been enacting as best I humanly know in the due diligence in these matters, including inspection findings, go about learning the cost of repairs as well as replacements of rather major items when they fail: furnace, water heater, air conditioner, roof, and so forth.
Contemporary hermit life in our culture is not so simple as we may want, especially when we are responsible for handling not only finances but what our bodies need in order to avoid obvious and avoidable, physical pitfalls. Deciding in our current time period to live simply in a hut in the woods is not necessarily a responsible choice depending upon a hermit's personal circumstances. Creating concerns for others or hardships for ourselves that will lead to others being inconvenienced, is not thoughtful nor selfless charity to all.
For me, despite other people wondering why not rent, or why not get a dwelling more in the suburbs in which price might be less and upgrades done--I had to be solid and honest in my reasoning. And that firmness had to come from within, in my talking all over with the Lord--knowing that His ways, still, might take me into unknown trials and hardships in order to teach me lessons.
But since I know physical mobility and exercise is essential to distract me from the constant and high level of pain, it must be enforced. I know that my body pain is strong enough to prefer me to remain prone. In other words, I need temporal duties that force me to get up and do the manual labor. I must take on such tasks as much as I can for the glory of God, and do so by myself with my dear angel, Beth--for as long as possible, for whatever time and circumstance the Lord allots me. If I can remain mobile and in prayerful manual labor for one hour or three, if it takes a month or a year to finish a room or project, resting or enduring pain sieges between work efforts, then so be it.
Thus this particular next hermitage, while not a super deal in monetary ways, checks off various other considerations. It seems to me located in a bit of nature oasis yet it is close to where I could walk to purchase groceries, medication, and get easily to a hospital--for when I fall off a roof or whatever! (A family member quipped about that; I do not intend to be foolhardy, but at least it is a one-story roof!)
Neighbors are quite close in but seem caring about one another. In a way, this was rather a drawback to me in that I have come to prize the silence of solitude, of remaining hidden; yet realistically, a hermit who is growing older must be practical in that help will most likely be needed at some point. A kind person to pick up some groceries when in lengthy pain siege or after having needed surgery or such, is a jewel provided by God in such circumstances. Likewise, a hermit is to offer hospitality and charity when called upon. Only God knows what lays ahead, or whom He might ask me to help or whom he asks to help me in times of need.
(On the other hand, a consecrated Catholic hermit in being true to living in the silence of solitude, can utilize prudent discipline in not revealing much that is unnecessary for others to know. Yet all the while if need be and engaged by others, a hermit can quietly and purposefully witness to God in so many ways, especially non-verbally. I was amazed at how many people came to open houses when selling the previous hermitage, who told the selling agent how they observed me working quietly, turning what was sorrowfully neglected into something they admired and appreciated. They were watching me more than I would have ever guessed! Actions speak louder than words, as is said.)
As to a main reason for not renting a dwelling, I have the Lord's providence to thank. Although quite low income, I can afford to purchase a dwelling, having the financial advantage of the yet-low interest rates for a mortgage. God's providence also allows my marvelous Catholic financial advisor from the thick and thin times, to guide wisely and prudently in other investing. As I admitted to him while he was going over technical aspects of investing and matters financial, I trust him to do with what God has gifted me, as if his own, for that is his passion and gift--financial planning and investing. That is his job, his work.
I also reminded him that my job as a Catholic hermit is to pray and praise God, and I will do so for him and his family, as that is my passion and gift and vocation. So I am going forth with God's generous flow, which also His gift in this present moment. God knows me through and through. Evidently, I will be blessed for a bit longer to be able to live in solitude in a hermitage with its own little bit of soil around it, and to do the painful pain-siege suffering without concerning or intruding upon those around me. I will be grateful despite suffering and the responsibilities of work involved, to be in the solitude of my own hermitage for as long as God allows.
An apartment for someone with severe chronic pain, would be taking on extra suffering due to the extraneous noise from the dwellers beyond the thin walls, floors, and ceilings. Also, to rent an apartment or a small house, I would not be able to do the type of physical manual labor that the last ordeal taught me very much is a positive for my life of prayer and penance as well as for work that has me moving about bodily.
(Standing in one place or sitting for any bit of time especially on padded or cushioned seats, both increase the pain that I bear and are my own fault if I get myself into a pain siege as a result of either The pain sieges come on their own; no point in escalating them more often or longer. Let God choose the pain sieges, their pain level and duration, not through my carelessness in known factors.)
Had the Lord chosen other present circumstances, though, I would have rented in whatever situation He allows. Had I been a hermit without funds or means, or close to in an inner city projects locale, I would have lived there and done all I could to uphold my vows and hermit vocation despite the lack of external solitude and silence.
As it is, a hermit dwelling or a hermit for any human, for that matter--it is all temporary. This upcoming hermitage might be my dwelling for a half-year, or two years, or five years, or the rest of my life--a day, several years--or even not at all. I could withdraw from the purchase agreement, lose the earnest money, and would do so if some circumstance arises of which the Lord allows that changes course.
Of this next hermitage in process of now awaiting lender appraisal, I found myself to have what is called buyer's remorse. I have battled the desire to escape or not follow through. With a little prayer and listening, I was shown that it has nothing to do with other than the constancy of painful suffering. Indeed, I had to see that part of me that wishes I did not have to live anywhere at all! I can say as with St. Paul: To me, Christ is gain. Life is a journey of which one after years of suffering can find the temporal machinations of living to be wearisome, if one is honest; and the delight of full union with Christ and freedom from earthly pain and trials is a joy to contemplate and to yearn!
I have all documents now provided to the bank lender; the negotiations with seller through her agent are finished other than I would appreciate a week delay in closing. The seller's agent has been caught in three unpleasant deceptions (or lies, depending on how wants to view the deceptions). There is no other way to get a better "deal" unless the appraisal comes back lower than price, of which I doubt it will. I did not get a super deal, yet I have a location that will be easy to rent or sell, providing financial coverage for my power of attorney and health care representative and executor of will. Hermits must arrange for the temporal unknowns we all face in our society, state, county in which we reside.
For this next hermitage, there is a Cathedral not far; as mentioned previously good walkability; a sense of nature about; a small yard in which this gardening hermit can work to transform. There is plenty of interior updating from top to bottom, from more to less, should that be what God allows and desires--another wineskin made new for new wine to be poured in. But otherwise the dwelling is totally habitable--no hidden rat and bird infestation, no bad wiring behind walls or bad venting or plumbing, as I procured for myself an inspector this time, myself doing the research and contacts. And thanks to all the lessons learned in the past hermitage, from such good people who taught me a lot about construction and all therein, I was able to discern after a short while that this inspector was honest and knew his stuff.
So we do learn and benefit from the most trying of experiences in our lives, and I'm sure there will be more to come for this Catholic hermit who yet has so much to learn from God and those He puts in my life to teach me, one way or another!
If I'm not granted medication to help tone down the physical pain that has grown worse over the years, I will have a place to be in solitude to suffer, solus Deus, alone with the Lord: God alone. It is as well to be on the cross with Him in solitude, I have found, and without others around who are trying their best to live their lives as God has unfolded for them--lay persons, married, single, with or without children, working in the world. They have their own challenges to face and to live out, to learn as well, their own sufferings, and to hopefully also grow in Christian love and union with one another and God, as we are all One Body in Christ.
So before long, there will be the next hermitage with a hermit within its confines. No one but the Lord and a priest and/or bishop the priest might inform, need know there is a hermit living in their midst. In the meantime, if the doctor tomorrow allows for a medication refill, I will soon be departing via airplane to visit my spiritual father of whom our contact has been for four years, by mail and phone. It has served us well, but the personal visit is one we both are hopeful and desiring of happening, God-willing and my body-able.
I will also visit two persons who have asked me to help them make a plan for updating their abodes. Yes, I will do all I can to encourage and assure them they can do that, for we all have marveled at what God provided and accomplished through His most pained and complaining servant, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit. They say it has inspired them to try to make better their dwellings, also for the next persons who will someday live in the homes they've had for a long time.
And there is another family member, her husband, and two children of which I will spend a bit of time, for very much must a consecrated Catholic hermit keep charity foremost as do all of us who say we follow Christ. The law of God is love; God Is Love. We dare not depart from love in all our interactions, prayers, praises, and keep love foremost in our existences--whether more so in temporal or more so in the spiritual. God Is Love!
As for hermit dwellings, there are probably as many types and reasons for hermits having certain dwellings, as there are hermits--consecrated Catholic hermits privately and/or publicly professed and avowed. There are reasons for each hermit's choice and reasons for the Lord to have provided for and guided them, giving them circumstances to consider in discerning what, where, when, how, and why.
No judgment nor criticism needed regarding any hermit's dwelling, as we none of us know fully why God has allowed or has provided this or that, Not even the hermit him- or herself may fully grasp--but certainly with time spent in the vocation, hopefully a hermit would know well enough the Lord's direction in discerning and securing a hermit dwelling. The the hermit's lived experience--sometimes painful in lessons learned--also assists in knowing his or her own needs, reasons, and situations best. God's will be done, time and again.
"Be imitators of God, as beloved children,
and live in love,
as Christ has loved us and handed himself over for us
as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma."
--Ephesians 4:33
