The First Day of the New Life is the title of St. Gregory of Nyssa's homily, posted on the previous post of Easter thoughts and blessings. I find the wording to be encouraging, for I'm yet again in bed today, having wanted to get up and mobilize for planting some seeds in pots on the patio, despite it being a tad soon for other than cooler-weather vegetables; I planted those seeds the other day when was still feeling the pain relief effects of the spinal cord pain medication injection.
Somehow later yesterday, when I rose to make the body do a little manual labor, I must have hurt the shoulder. I've not had right shoulder pain in several years, not really this tender since the second surgery on it in 2012. However, not using it much for awhile ought simmer whatever got riled. The main issue ever since the spinal injection on Wednesday, has been the higher level of pain, consistently, after the pain medication wore off the next day. Thus, I seem unable to "catch a good wave," pain-wise.
But as to inner growth and process, there is some progress. I sought counsel on a matter, which includes a couple other matters of which I desire self-improvement and new direction in discerning God's will in my life. In one such discussion, the matter of a terrible lapse in wise discretion (or perhaps no good judgment at all) led into thoughts on sin. While I excoriated myself and called my actions to be sinful, the one helping me sort through disagreed. I was asked, "Did you intend to do that? Did you intend to hurt someone?"
Of course not! I was beside myself in each lapsing of probably what one could label: not thinking at all! So the other suggested that it does not seem "a sin" if there is no intent. Granted, not a PhD in moral theology, but I know in moral reckoning, intention is a fair consideration and a means of mitigating the culpability to some degree. However, there are points to be made of sinning with thoughts; Scripture gives examples Old and New Testament as well as Jesus' teaching to that effect.
That what I did was unthinkable and wrong--yes. And there was a valid thought presented that something subconscious was going on within that I was dealing with, in some manner trying to subconsciously make up for something, make amends, or trying to right a wrong on one front while then causing much hurt and doing wrong on another.
I'm going to do a bit of review of sin and the causes and factors therein, as a result of the discussion. ButI did also explain that when faced with having done a wrong not once but twice--of which the person I was receiving guidance from did say that it was so unusual how the matter was even brought to the fore not once but twice--I tend to come down on myself with all the power of self-accusation so as to not allow any self-deception or attempt to wriggle out of facing the wrong fully and taking ownership.
No shirking nor shrinking back from facing the reality of my wrong, in other words, for the shame and humility necessary to take the necessary consequences. I must keep the knife to the throat of my wrong doing and guilt: learn my painful lessons, demonstrate, feel, and offer genuine remorse, make whatever correction feasible (sometimes the damage is done), ask the wronged and God for forgiveness.
Then, regardless if the wronged is able to forgive, knowing God always forgives when the penitent asks God with true contrition and admission of wrong doing, then one must in faith and gratitude accept God's forgiveness and go forth out of the debris and fallout that sin or wrongs often leave in their wake. Rise up, renewed! Set out as a lamb whose fleece is washed and whiter than snow. Take grateful steps forward on what is a first day of the new life.
And, there often is in the "new life" following a death of some aspect of our "old self" and the regeneration from God's forgiveness and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit into our fresh minds, hearts, and spirits--a new way of being: tangibly, whether externally noticeable or not. There will be a change within the person, the way of doing, the cessation of what had been such as lack of wise discretion, lack of thinking through outcomes, lack of self-control of feelings or emotions, or lack of prudence in the way one thinks, says, acts, feels.
We discussed my writing. Even if my intention or desire or hope is in thinking others might benefit from examples or anonymous-type case study approach, even if I think only strangers would read and be able to gain some idea of how to handle their own situations, or grasp of new information, or relate and be able to apply in their own lives the process of working through problems while seeking how to connect Scripture or seek God's will--I must realize that when writing of what is personal and emotionally charged, despite anonymously, there is always the consideration that the persons in the example/s would recognize, or someone who knew of their situation would recognize.
And what could be the outcome, the fall out the consequences of those who might read and recognize themselves in my analysis, my description and my working my own feelings and concerns through writing even on an anonymous site? So we have the old best-rule: What you cannot say directly, do not in essence share otherwise. Is the sin a lack of courage? Is the sin a lack of prudence? Is the sin thus a detraction of others since the problem was not directly addressed? If you have a grievance against another, take it to that person first. Lack of courage, wisdom, prudence, lack of self-control of emotions, lack of foresight in thinking through consequence of actions--all these and no doubt more.
So for now, the suggestion is to not write of personal observations and analyses of situations and persons therein--not pour these out on my anonymous blog which obviously some know of it and read it who know the author--even those not Catholic, not hermits, and otherwise not ones I'd have though would ever be interested. For I don't simply write of hermit and Catholic life in isolated sense; I write of my spiritual progression, as a Catholic hermit, and that includes my human self--the successes, the failures, the ideal of striving in holiness and the calamitous, bitterly painful, falls from grace.
We will have further discussions to discuss the direction of the first day and ensuing days of the "new life." There is the matter of higher level of constant pain and the benefits but also the unknowns of surgery for an intrathecal pump implant to help lessen what is rather debilitating pain from the effects of the Adhesive Arachnoiditis. Just the spinal injection four days ago has upped the pain level and thus far not easing off.
Not an excuse--but too much pain is a rational cause and effect of less ability to factor variables particularly when conversing or writing. For years I've noticed that I often do not realize just how much pain I've been in, until after some consequence or situation has occurred in which I realize the pain was out of control; for when in the pain, one tends to not distinguish until someone mentions or I've come to realization from within, from my angel or Holy Spirit, or also an outer signal: the cause elicits a recognizable effect.
Perhaps these first few days of the new life will mean a different format for writing. Perhaps it is time to focus on writing a book, or a book with sections. Or, if I continue writing the blog, then keep it to analysis of Scripture or my own lessons learned without those involving my interactions with others; or, as we did discuss that a writer always will be writing from a perspective of life experiences and encounters, to limit to only that which reflects my own issues and effort and means of personal growth and remediation. Or could be that what I share of my own falls from grace, can be an encouragement to readers who can rejoice they've not knocked themselves out in wrong doings.
But I must learn in these first days of this new life, to cease needing someone in general, to share issues involving others. But we can ask, why then have the discussion with this one person, a director, a guide? It is because I lack faith in God alone? Or in my human plight, I'm yet needful of wise counsel and feedback, of suggestions and idea generation--so someone who is not ever going to discuss anything I share yet help bring forth my sins, flaws, or predicaments, a next-best to God alone.
This Easter Resurrection and turning point day, also will lead into my seeking God's will and steps regarding my relationships in general with the few contacts a hermit has, and in my case family. I've come to a point (and has been if I'm honest with myself of which I pray have been for awhile) in which I am not relevant to their needs and phases of life, their active lives, busy, responsibility-laden lives. The comment came up in the discussion with director--of "not to continue parenting the parents." So true! Not easy to stop offering input--and that includes input to those who are others out there who contact me.
But as to my hermit vocation, there have been nudges from the Holy Spirit and thoughts come, as well as the increasing circumstances in life situations, that have me discerning more strict separation from the world. And as to verbal interaction, to instill greater discipline in the few emails I do write. Increase discernment in what is pertinent even in a text response. The use of emojis disciplines with efficacy of response or point made without words.
I'm remaining wide open to what God has in store, as this first day of the new life is on the temporal time-wane. I've written myself into Easter dusk. Perhaps readers might glean from my reflections some ideas for their own lives in consideration of this Easter being a first day of their own new lives. After this Lent of all Lents in recent history, there may be turning point revelations stirring in your souls.
After this Triduum which is always intense with remembering the Last Supper, Jesus praying in Gethsemane, his betray, arrest, denial by Peter, being stripped, beaten mocked, tried unjustly and crucified with John being the only of His disciples at the foot of His cross and a handful of women including his bereft mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary--you might be sensing the Holy Spirit whispering insights and suggestions into your soul.
I know the Lord has been effectuating situations leading to my having to face and see that change is coming, must come, and while God will lead me through all and give the graces necessary, the impetus and honest facing of what and who I am of nothingness and what and what and how God wills me to metamorphose into His All. My being open and willing to do whatever He wills in these first few days of this new life--is to take the first steps and many first steps. I must take these necessary steps as a sign of my "yes" to God, to go and do wherever and in whatever He leads and wills.
I pray that if His Real Presence is stirring your mind, heart, and soul with grace-filled nudging of this Easter being a first day of a new life, that you will find God in all your steps and in all those whom you encounter along the way.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
