I enjoyed thinking about and purchasing gifts for loved ones. That was not reciprocated except in one person, and I wonder at gift-giving when a family is so disjointed and mostly estranged. I had been on Facebook for a short while, but that came to a halt. Just not worth it, as someone got upset when I responded with an offer of assistance to someone who had commented--yes, a stranger to me, but there was connection via the person's FB accoug me I have many comments or such. I'm not sure if a person can ever be rid of Facebook unless they lock one's account.
I'm very weary of suffering. The pain reduces me. I felt terrible that I left the reply to someone's comment, offering to that friend of family member to give them tips on baking Springerle as they are not an easy cookie to have turn out well witnt. Then another told me that FB is not meant for people to write comments of thoughts or feelings. Even by deactivating my accounts, I get daily a lot of come-ons from Facebook, all types of people they say I should consider to add to my "friends"--no one I know. But the person's main concern was that his friend would not know who I am, even though I said I was that person's parent. Yet, it came down to the Joyful Hermit moniker, as the person thought he'd have to explain "the Catholic thing", and evidently his friends are anti-Catholic, and it is an embarrassment professionally to the person. I removed my comment, my dumb little offer to give baking tips. I realize he had a good point that it was not Facebook protocol, and embarrassing to his position as well.
I let the person know that I am not really affiliated with any temporal Catholic church at this point. Too many parishioners wanting to cow tow to too many unhealthy men who are priests, and too many Catholics, priests especially, who cannot manage to be accepting of someone with mystical experiences that cannot be helped. So basically, to hell with all that; I stick with Scripture and His Real Presence (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) and trying to love others--although quite neutral in this phase. Very weary of all the temporal, very deadlike.
I am quite eager to have Jesus go over with me, harsh though it likely will be, my judgment. I want to know what it was, all that I did or said, that caused people to be estranged or upset. Granted, a lot of that might be the pain, and there was not much I could do about it, but the pain did put me on edge at times, and temper gets in the way of gentleness. Frustration gives way to upset and inconsistency.
I will say that it was not the loads of canon laws and other made up aspects to Christ's Church, that got to me the most. I think it come of the people I encountered, and the fact that there was a fraudulent aspect to even such as the made up law for the hermit vocation. The pivotal ugliness was a woman in Oakland, CA, who was so bothered by my writing a blog, myself being a Catholic hermit and still am, consecrated to God and His Church but not to the Catholic "system." Others I know also found it a farce, the hermit canon law and approval system, made up, when such a nasty person could be approved and go unsupervised in some very mean, attack, blog postings. The woman has never known even human love in its breadth it seems, which makes it difficult, I'm sure, to have a full understanding of why God's law of love is the only law needed.
Regardless, this person is the vehicle God used to be the turning point. She manifested ultimately the flaws and schisms in the temporal Catholic world system (despite some very depraved priests that shattered the heart and made one turn all the more to hope in God alone.) The person encapsulated all that was wrong with the system. It was not Christianity, what the person exuded or wrote; not the envy nor stalking nor turning others against this hermit who has been striving in practicing Catholicism in its Christ-roots. I can't say I'm doing that well with my striving, but I'm trying which I pray counts. Jesus is my judge.
It is strange, out of so many I encountered in the Catholic system, this one woman stands out and is the tipping point that showed me the dualities that developed in His Church over the centuries and why an embellished, temporal system fissures, and the Christian seeker continues on in the spiritual and mystical. But why this one person? I suppose God only needs one, such as He only needed one Judas. One Herod.
Christ's Church is to be humility, love, and following Christ in His Living Word, not making up a system over the years, not making up laws to create yet more system, not making up traditions or embellishing Scripture, but sticking with the simplicity of the Law of Love which is God's Law and following Christ's Teaching and Life example.
But the temporal Catholic world is a made-up system, and there is a lot of disease in it, and that is caused by diseased persons. The mystical Catholic world is beautiful and as Christ desired--not the other. I must remain with the mystical Catholic world of His Church, not the system made up and embellished over the centuries, post earliest Church times.
I want to love and be loved, and that is not feasible in that system. I've tried that with my own family members, and there is just too much "water over the dam" for healthy relationships. I blame myself for much of it, and blame the pain, and blame the source of the pain and another person's actions years ago, and his choices, that caused life to be far more difficult and caused pain to be far worse than had I had support and loving assistance in parenting and providing for the family. Yet, I know in my heart that I did my best. Yet, I will be so happy to hear from Jesus, to be shown, all that I did and said that caused this outcome in family and in various other situations.
Asking the Lord why it was He wanted me in the Catholic Church--other than I think it was to lead me through and out of the temporal aspects and into the mystical, spiritual Church which is His Church.
Regardless, I have been sloughing with even pondering the Scripture deeply. Sometimes the words just flow through without anchor-holding in my mind. Pain precludes thought; pain reduces ability to focus on reading. I just have to remind myself that God is in His Living Word, and I must keep striving toward death to this life and eternity with its pure love. But I don't think I will be in that place of pure love on the other side; my judgment is going to have so much in it, that I will have yet much to learn and to grow regarding how I have lived and reacted as a person with way much physical pain and not able to take rejection well.
I also will add that the unhealthy persons my own unhealth evidently attracted are now in their own situations, cleared out and living their own lives probably much better, sans myself. So I have plenty of time to work on my own unhealthiness and to seek His Real Presence also without the "system." I did get a pet which is not easy at all since I was unused to having to get up or do for anything, and I"m not sure the pain I bear is going to allow me to manage this very well, either. I've had to ask myself if I was not successful with children, how will I succeed with a pet? I'm more worn out than ever, but it is wonderful that the pet is always happy to see me and does not talk behind my back in ways to cause others more ire against me, and it forgives readily. These are aspects I should learn, along with far more patience, in my own life and in my own treating of others.
I have so much to learn; perhaps this pet will force me to learn more patience and to give of self to something other, physically. And yet I yearn to be out of the most painful in so many aspects, temporal life, and face my music with Jesus. Receive the relief of knowing exactly what it was that I did wrong in so many instances with so many people, some of whom seem not to forgive nor forget, and who enjoy their lives more sans myself and all that goes with my pained existence. What they may think they would want I cannot be; pain rules my physical body and emotions and often the thoughts, as well.
Yes, I'm weary of suffering, and a harsh judgment will seem wonderful, I think-to-hope. A relief to find out what it was or is--except might end up just being pain again. Pain that molds, and nothing can be done to take away pain. Only moderate it some, that's all the meds do. Yes, I'm thankful for moderation; but I'm so very, very weary of suffering.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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