I've not written at all lately other than correspondence. The suffering continues as much if not more than ever, but that is to be expected even if not wanted. Adhesive Arachnoiditis symptoms continue on progressively. The other morning awoke with one of the worst of pain sieges involving the head in the upper ranges of pain thus far after 36 years of pain since the accident and 33 years since the surgeries and death experience. Turns out I had another ailment--an infection--going on concurrently. Antibiotics will help the infection. God only knows the why and wherefore of suffering, truly.
So it is Labor Day, and I listened to Mass on EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network). Can watch it on laptop via live stream at certain times they offer, or on youtube at any time. I was more interested in today's Scriptures than the comments on Labor Day itself. The mystical ecstasies have not occurred during Masses seen as if from one world into another world far, far away. There is subtle effect if the homilies (or sermons) are based on the Scripture; the more spiritually based the sermons, the better. So it was when in past I was able to be at Mass in a church and with a Tabernacle in vicinity. Always the mystical state would be far more profound if the sermons were spiritual and not with temporal, personal anecdotes or sharing. Definitely the ecstasies would be as if I was bound in hell wanting to escape if there were aspects at the altar or the celebrant that the Holy Spirit knew not good. It had nothing to do with anything I as a mortal could detect, of course. When in ecstasy, our mortal faculties are as if set aside.
This summer I continued some net-casting in this locale, this diocese. All doors closed. I had decided to be honest about my mystical life; that is very unnerving to Catholic parishioners and priests and even bishops, on a whole. But having been passed through some type of what was said to me within is a "mystic portal" on Pentecost in June, there was impetus to simply be as I am, as God has me, and take and accept what may. I suppose this is another level of detachment for the mind, heart, and soul.
The final net cast happened to be the leader of a parish's lay spiritual directors. A woman, older and who had received spiritual direction certification from mostly online courses of some sort from an Episcopalian priestess' spiritual direction certification program, begun in California but she expanded it to be available for those in other states--that woman had emailed in response to some inquiries. She was not happy with my questioning why a more new age type person who was the contact man for the online program instead of getting certification from some of the several offered by Catholic universities which are also mostly online but contain Catholic theology as well as counseling points to learn when one counsels others?
I did then apologize sincerely, for when I saw a photo online of the woman lay leader, I realized she was quite a bit older, and her "companioning" others was likely not the spiritual direction that I had in mind or that was more in depth. She called it companioning, and that suggests being company for lonely persons, encouraging them to pray or such. So I thought perhaps she might be or know of someone with similar interests in reading or spiritual writing or mystical situation as I deal with. I emailed some thoughts and that I needed prayer to discern what topic God might want me to write in a more formal way or focused way, with perhaps more length than blog posts. I decided to use the "m-word" and said I need prayer and discernment if I should write of experiences in my "life as a mystic."
Well, that did it. It always does. Same with the parish secretary. I had decided it was best to cast the net even in pulling up stakes from parishes and allow the Lord to do with me as He wills--that I would be as if totus Tuus to Christ--belonging to God Alone and not with parishes and dioceses. (Thus why watching Mass on EWTN--it is not a parish nor diocese but a small Franciscan religious community of a few priests and three brothers. And my mystical life is unknown to them, of course, and I am anonymous to them as they are to me other than I can get to know and sense them through my little laptop window to the world.)
The parish secretary had emailed me to say that the parish priest did not read my emails or if anything, only a line and then nothing more. I had sensed that, of course, but she mentioned the staff and she decided to let me know--so I suspected the staff may have included the priest. It always amazes me that I can explain that I sense things, or other aspects of mystic beings of which we cannot help it nor choose it; mystics are born this way. It is nothing one can decide to "be". And, frankly, I can't think anyone would want it given how it creates all kinds of troubles for the mystics, all through life if one lives very long.
I had responded the secretary that I knew that, but my writing was cathartic, all the same, and needed to be written. And that some things written would have been good for the priest to have read, but it is God's signal to me of a door closed, a net pulled up and empty. I dared mention the secretary that this type of situation seems to occur with mystics from what I've read of them in the many books I have--books that are not re-writes simplified of the books written and translated from those who either knew the mystic or lived closer to the time in which the mystic was alive; and if writings included by the mystic, then all the better.
Just the mention of the "m-word" with Catholics seems to upset them and cause them to judge. They don't want to think they are judging and sometimes respond with, "I am not judging you, but...." There is always the "but." The last priest I spoke with in the diocese was that of the Cathedral, and I could see in his eyes (our mouths and noses covered with our masks in this time of Covid-19 pandemic so no reading the nuances of his lips or chin or nose) that he had turned off shortly into his asking me about where I had been going to Mass and my mention of being a Catholic convert 25 years ago. He wanted to know how it was that I became Catholic? Well, that very much involves a series of supernatural events including locutions and visions as well as amazing aspects of God reaching into the temporal of my life in the conversion process over ten years' time in which the Holy Spirit was quite involved, as well. I'm not sure I used the m-word then, but no doubt I did the colder his eyes became.
There is no sense at this phase of life and the occurrence on Pentecost of passing through this mystic portal thing, whatever it is, to be mincing words anymore. There is no more trickery, no glossing over the mystic reality and being taken in to a parish only to have the priest and parishioners going into the mode that has been handed down to them for centuries. I figure it started to be this way for mystics in the Middle Ages, for in the early Church, Christians were far more open to mystical experiences and spirituality of some; it was the non-Christians who stoned St. Paul and eventually cut off his head. But by Joan of Arc's century, mystics were being quite harshly judged, questioned, doubted, shunned, and horribly mistreated.
I consider that in our century, mystics who are in the Catholic Church are considered a problem, a disruption, or otherwise a mentally ill or emotionally psychotic or downright charlatan. There is more shunning and negation as a person, and a non-welcoming aspect or if told allowed to come to Mass, are very discouraged from it. The last priest I spoke with said of course the church is open to all Catholics, but he then said go to the parish you had been going to--and this despite my telling him I was not allowed to be in the main church but was told to be in a room without even a tabernacle but with a screen for the live-streamed Mass, and it was better to watch EWTN on my laptop than do the added sitting and driving only to be reminded that I was different and not to be with the normal people in the big church!
So the leader of the lay spiritual directors emailed back saying she did not want to correspond with me--even though she said she was not judging me, but that God chooses mystics. Well, yes, He does. The point? I suppose it was that God does not choose them currently or at least not in this area or not in whatever area I came from previously, nor wherever I was born. The parish secretary never responded once I used the m-word and described some of what I'd been through and the net-casting I was doing to see if it was even possible for a mystic to be accepted--a plain and simple human person who happens to be a mystic, and otherwise nothing unusual that is noticeable aside from ecstasies during Mass.
That concluded my net-casting of many nets prior. The Holy Spirit then reminded me vividly of the last vision and locution that involved Jesus Himself. It was the vision and locution surrounding the actual marriage ceremony of the mystical marriage and banquet following, and my pleading for consummation. But Jesus told me no, that he had to tend to other souls but would be back to consummate our marriage and to take me with Him. However, Jesus gave me instructions, very clearly. He said to remain strong. He told me to wait. Then He showed me a group--kind of like a gaggle--of priests and Catholic parishioners who were pointing and staring and whispering gossip about me and priests doubting and dismissive of me. Jesus said firmly: Pay no attention to them! And, the last words He spoke were a repeat, but much more forcefully, of the: REMAIN STRONG.
As I was reviewing in detail that marriage and banquet, the intense love and desire for Jesus to consummate our marriage, and then of what were the last words He spoke to me some 8 years ago this week--I realized that I'd taken much of it literally as it needed to be taken literally. I have tried to remain strong (not always strong but try to do so!) and I have waited. Yes, I literally have waited. But I have not taken literally the "Pay no attention to them!" directive by Jesus. I have paid attention, I have continued to push on parish doors and doors of priests and three bishops--and those doors have either not opened or if opened, just a crack or for a temporary time enough for the priests to say "no" repeatedly in word or in action such as shunning or coming up with excuses as to why I was not welcome.
So I decided recently to take Jesus seriously in all that vision and locution. What a difference it has made once I got over the feeling sorry for myself and then a bit of disgust that I was so weak and pathetic as to think surely He did not mean it. I reviewed when was that mystical marriage and banquet and the message of Jesus to me--and that I thought moving to another location would help. Maybe Jesus just meant pay no attention to the priests and parishioners in that diocese. After all, they were telling me directly I could not come to their parishes and telling parishioners to run me out if I came. Seriously. They meant business! But in the next area God kept the doors closed even when I tried hard to push them open. And here, one door did open, but to what? To a room with a screen; and then the Lord had the spine worsen and a major surgery and unable to go, anyway. But then even with trying to find a kindred type or spiritual director--NO. The nets repeatedly came up empty.
And the good part of all this is that I am no longer blaming others, nor am I blaming myself! Jesus meant that directive literally as much as he meant "wait" and "remain strong" literally! This is all part of having passed through the mystic portal (what the Holy Spirit called it back in 2012 around the time of the mystical marriage and wedding banquet). But God in His kindness and patience let me refuse the mystic portal passage while I cast nets port and starboard, aft and stern in various parishes in a couple more dioceses. Then God laid me low but still had doors close when I'd inquire via emil or meet in person with a couple more priests and parishioners. Jesus says in Scripture let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Well, in striving after God in Three Persons, I realized that the Trinity's yes means yes, and Their no means no!
I've been told under no uncertain terms and repeatedly: No. Pay no attention to them. I am taking the Lord literally now, and there is progress and more peace! There is also plenty of pain of suffering, and the week after the final priest's being horribly dismissive and the doors closing elsewhere in major shut-downs, I admit to being very, very low in spirit. But remember that we are never forsaken by the Lord, and so it is true that even with the horrible pain siege of a few days ago and still sick with the infection on top of the usual Adhesive Arachnoiditis pain, I woke up this Labor Day morning here in the USA, and I realized I am a real hermit now. I am a real Catholic hermit!
Then I come upon the comments that somehow I could not see from the older blogger format. One of them I deleted for the person was very angry with me for I had right before my surgery last summer suggested I could not keep emailing. I had emailed this spring or early summer to see how she was doing. I never heard back. Somehow she had blocked me after I said I could not keep corresponding last summer, but I did not know that; and so my email or contacting her via video comment section really upset her terribly. So I am sorry, although I doubt she will see this. I did not realize she had taken it so hard when I explained I could not continue corresponding. No, I needed space and time to deal with the surgery upcoming, and the person was wanting to email fairly often and wanting more contact and attachment than what I could do.
Other readers have left comments, and I will try to figure out how to respond. For now, I think I simply clicked to post them. Please accept my apologies for I never saw the comments until today! But to the one person who wrote at length in rather frustrated mode as to why I vacillated on the issue of canonically approved hermit vocation for diocese hermits or simply being a consecrated Catholic hermit of the traditional, historical type--the vacillation was due to a woman CL603 hermit who for 13 years had stalked and detracted me, and she is all-in for canonical approval for various reasons that I do not agree with.
And just the other day I noticed one of her buddies whose email and contact information is listed with this lady's CL603 blog--the buddy who is kind of like a "fixer" for the CL603 hermit and used to leave such angry and nasty comments several years ago that I closed comments for a few years until awhile ago. Well, the buddy, a woman also, had viewed a site online for people to connect with, that someone had set up for me years ago thinking it would be good. I do not use that site but have not figured out how to unsubscribe or whatever. They send notices if someone has been looking, and sure enough, this other woman had. And lo and behold, I read her information, and she belongs to and says she is a priest--with title of reverend--in a made up Independent Catholic Celtic Church of some sort. There are several women priests and a couple male priests and a male "bishop" in this made-up but very actual "church" they consider some type of Catholic, I suppose. (See: https://www.celticchristianchurch.org/clergy.)
I was stunned. Not only did the CL603 hermit lady whose attacks and persecutions of me as a consecrated Catholic hermit caused me consternation for years and a lot of ups and downs and back and forth on if God wanted me to be CL603 when visions and locutions indicated He did not want that at all--but then I found out her own bishop is not even aware of her and vicar general wanted nothing to do with her when I finally contacted them in hopes they could get her to cease and desist her online doxxing and detracting and stalking. I'm sure they also have no idea that her alternate person on her hermit blogsite is a woman priest in a made up Catholic church (there are offshoots dotted around a few places in the country). But I ultimate laughed when I realized how the devil was in all that, and all the more I find the CL603 hermit situation too much for bishops to even supervise, for the most part.
Well, it was yet another affirmation as if I needed any more, that God definitely did not want me to have anything to do with it. That is the temporal Catholic world in its complexity in addition to the temporal Catholic world's goodness of parishes and priests and outreach programs and bona fide religious orders and societies of the faithful, of the married and single Catholics all over the world. As for me, I remain and always in this life will be a victim soul, mystic, consecrated Catholic hermit, and bride of Christ.
God knows what He is doing. The problem is, we don't always discern as God intends; but God in his loving mercy and patience, gives us all the time we need to figure it out the way He wants us to live and be and love Him in Himself and above all things, and to love others as He loves.
And God does answer our prayers in big ways. I was in my acceptance of remaining strong, waiting, and paying no attention to parish priests and parishioners and all that entails. I pray for them; I love them; but I am on the other side of the mystic portal now. I do not belong to that other world. I have been told that, also, by God and His heavenly messengers. But I tend to not trust, always, especially that which I don't want to hear and trust! So I had been thinking of getting a hypo-allergenic dog, thinking maybe my pain was not maybe as bad to be keeping me in bed so much, and that a dog would force me to get up in the morning. I thought it would be a creature that is always accepting and would not mind if I were a mystic or not! So it was getting closer to the time to choose which pup and then four more weeks or so to get the pup. I asked Jesus quite directly to let me know if I should get a dog or not--but added on to please tell me in a dream or vision or some other way than through more suffering...please!
Well, God answers our prayers in whatever way He knows is necessary for us to get it and get it straight, no questions asked, no wriggle room. The next morning I awoke early with such a horrific spinal headache with lumbar, legs and feet on fire with burning pain--that even trying to text was an ordeal, but I made one quick text to the lovely young wife and mother who had the darling puppies--and told her no way can I have a dog! Please remove me from the list. Said I was in a pain siege and no way could I have even let a dog outside! Serious pain siege! She texted back did I mean it, and I had enough ability to squint to type, "Yes. Sorry."
I'm still in bed with this siege and God tossed in an infection I've never had all these years until now, for good measure. I'd put a deposit on the dog since I need one that is hypoallergenic and those don't just show up in the shelters. That loss of deposit as it was non-refundable will be added reminder, and thanks be to God I did not pay the rest and even try the puppy. I will dedicate the money to helping the hurricane victims in Louisiana and other good causes. I know the pain is as God has it, and the being laid low by it is as God has it. And my adult children and grandchildren in their independent and active, responsible lives are as God has them. There is very little contact and communication; that is for valid and good reasons God has let me fully understand.
God has me where and how He wants me, while I wait, while I remain strong. God is taking care of and has the priests and parishioners in their lives where and as He wants them. I am free now, for the Holy Spirit and my angel to show me around what is on the other side of the mystic portal. Even though I have not come across that term in the writings of mystics thus far--or at least not in that specificity of wordage--I will be looking for that aspect in some other form of it in Scripture and in the writings of mystics and great spiritual writers through the centuries of Christianity and the prophets prior.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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