God's Hermit: Getting Clarification

A Catholic hermit or God's hermit, or something other, I am awaiting clarification.  I did kindly get word from the bishop.  All is well as far as it goes, but I asked for two specific clarifications so as to make sure I am on solid and accurate status as to my vocation, the term or wording. 

As to the tremendous loss and sense of the deepest abandonment and suffering of soul that I've been experiencing, the Lord thankfully provided last night some needed help and understanding.  From a video of a lecture by the theologian and scholar Bernard McGinn, I am relieved to have a diagnosis, I guess one could call it, of what ails me so tremendously, currently:  mystical dereliction.  

As McGinn spoke on this phenomenon or affliction that occurs at some point in a mystic's spiritual journey, and can be more than once or extend over time, a relief came and a knowing that the Lord is taking care of me; He is looking out for me.  Although I must face the reality that I truly do not "belong" per se or fit in, or have a "place" in such as parishes and of the temporal Catholic world, per se, my sense of belonging to the mystical Church and that the great sorrow of parting, of loss, of feeling alone among those who do fit in and belong, who have a "place" in parishes and the temporal Church, is a real experience but also mystical at its genesis or roots.  The experiential sensation and existential reality will lessen at some point; I will adapt.  

In temporal aspects my misfit circumstances are actual.  My not having the energy to keep up with having to present the outer of what is not the inner, creates the sense of sadness and loss all the more.  The weariness grows with the increase of physical pain:  an inner and outer crucifixion, this temporal-mystical reality.  But there is breakthrough simply in the knowing that this has a name, this mystical dereliction.  It is reassuring in the familiarity I have with the mystics that McGinn used as examples--other real human beings who suffered similar mystical lives as I have lived and will until my earthly death.  May it come soon, Lord!

No matter what, all this will pass.  I will pass through this new-to-me level of horrific spiritual dereliction.  Dereliction, the word itself, says it all even to the point of inner and outer, mystical and physical, spiritual and temporal dilapidation.  I still am not intended by the Lord to need canonical approval as a diocese hermit.  The bishop seemed to write of this to me, but in my exhaustive emptying out and being filled with such pain of body, mind, heart, and soul that I am unable to function even when I try to push out of bed just now, to roll the trash bins to the curb, hidden in the darkness of night--I cannot grasp the bishop's full meaning.  So I sent it on to Fr. V. to please read and interpret, make sure I understand what the bishop is saying, what he means so that I am certain in his urging me to continue living the life that I obviously believe strongly the Lord has called me to live.

The pain has been so extreme that the electronic interference has annoyed me and wearied me all the more.  The laptop keeps going into some odd mode of the entire screen collapsing into about an inch-square, with a notice of a default os some sort.  This happens repeatedly over the past three days, requiring me to click on "ignore" and then use the cursor to take each corner of the tiny square and expand to full screen once again, and clear the mode that has locked.  My phone dialed someone's number--I had no idea who--when I merely set the phone on a stool when I'd gone to the kitchen on way to garage to deal with readying the trash bins to take to the curb.  The phone would not allow me to click on another screen to even see whose number was being accessed.  

This type of electronic interference is part and parcel of some aspects of my life and has been for years--telekinesis of sorts--but higher levels of pain and the stress that creates in the bodily system then increases the interference instances. I cannot get the phone to stop the call so wait until I hear a voice.  Thankfully, it is a voice I recognize--a cousin.  Thankfully, also, the cousin understands about the phone and the electronic interference that results from my weird magnetic waves connected sometimes to the physical pain--and I've not shared how these aspects can happen not connected with pain and did in the years before the 1987 spine surgeries....

But I'm worn out with not only the physical pain and the mystical dereliction, but also the weirdness in general yet praise God it was the cousin whose voice I heard and not someone whose voice I'd not recognize.  Dr. H. called a bit later and is going to call again on Friday, but the first words he said to me were, saying my name and then a firm but with humor...and you are not at all crazy!  I mustered a laugh but said that I am so fatigued with various aspects crescendoing at once, or so it seems, and said at least I have an understanding for a major aspect and explained the "mystical dereliction" that I'd by chance learned via a youtube recorded lecture last evening.

I truly am most fortunate in the ways God reaches in when He knows I'm "done in" by too much in all levels and dimensions with added new aspects and elements enough that I cannot say that I've experienced this or that mystical effect prior--and often enough the devil gets involved enough so that I do not recognize the mystical elements of the sensations and onslaught of suffering in multiple levels.

I do realize that my writing has been incohesive--disjointed, convoluted, perhaps.  At times I've wondered if the physical pain being so terribly intense is a problem more than the inner sensing spiritually, such as the tremendous mystical dereliction--again, this word that describes perfectly, all.  Thus I put into draft a couple of posts, and I do not know yet, as mentioned above am asking clarification of the bishop on two aspects or points.  So I do not know yet if I will conclude this blog post as Catholic hermit or not.  As to what I will write or when, the Lord will need to guide me in whatever way or through whomever temporally or otherwise. And, given the high level of pain and its effect on what to me seems an inability of written expression, I might not write at all even if it has been cathartic and also a means for me to rise out of the pained, temporal body.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  The burning of the body, the pain throbbing and burning terribly much, nauseates.  It is as if I am being crucified repeatedly.  All that of CL603 and my not finding it inspiring or necessary seems like foolishness to me right now in comparison to very real, temporal suffering as if the blood will burst through my feet and hips, spine and head.  Who knows if what I try to express even in the above, makes any cognitive sense to a reader,  not that it needs to or is even helpful.  All I know is that I love God and His Church immensely, and the sorrow of facing the reality that such ones as myself are not meant for utilization other than hidden under His wings or tucked deep within His Heart:  solitary confinement in His protective custody.  I suppose is anchorite more than hermit, mystic more than person.