Pushed the body today to get spine x-ray for neurosurgeon appointment, then picked up a helper and on to Lowe's to have them kindly load up drywall, tile, tile saw, and bathroom faucets. The helper unloaded the heavy items other than took both of us to leverage the drywall off Precious Blood (pick-up truck) and to get into the garage. The helper also got a bookcase dollied out to back patio under overhang, as that is where I will wash it and paint it. Will go into the Priest's Room upstairs, I think; then I can finish unboxing the books yet stored in garage.
While out for x-ray and errand--and drove through fast-food eateries to get the helper food and milk shakes for lunch--I made effort to be positive and kind to whomever I spoke and encountered. I made it a point when a neighbor walked by with his new pup and stopped for us to admire "Angel," and asked me how I was feeling, I made it a point to be honest but very positive, and quickly then reverted to hearing about the loss of his long-time dog Misty, and of the antics of the puppy and the energy required of him to train Angel.
I am trying to let the pain be holy, even though was actually as if in another reality in which the pain pierced through, within, each word I spoke with effort in making the voice kindly and encouraging--very grateful--to those I encountered even if the other person invisible, as if inside a little drive-through speaker box. I'm trying, Jesus. All I can do is put effort into tiny tidbits of daily life.
I was reminded of St. Therese of Lisieux in an email, and the details of some of her life and "little way" of love, helped distract the mind from pain; I thought of Mother Teresa and of St. Bernadette, recalling some of the ordeals they endured due to envious and resentful others, or persecution from those in positions of power and prestige. I also, then, thought of how at least we humans have become less physical or obvious in abusing others but rather mask our persecuting ways or persecute more subtly--but then also considered how it is through difficult trials and persecution that we might be inclined to turn all the more to Christ whereas otherwise we'd not, or not as desperately and whole-heartedly.
After returning the helper, began to feel quite ill with whatever is this sinus-centered ailment I've been battling off and on for over a week. Got in bed and answered emails attempting to be brief and upbeat. Doctor's office called with lung CT scan report. Nodules no larger and one smaller, and amazingly none elsewhere in the lungs. This is the first full lung scan; so the crackling is probably due to the sinus ailment and was advised to go to Urgent Care if not better tomorrow. I'm doing all I can to try to move it along and out of the system, but typically (perhaps at my age or previous pneumonia's and tendency for sinus problems to end up in my lungs) an antibiotic ends up being needed.
We shall see. I actually put on some holy water from Lourdes--a gift from a spiritual friend three years ago--shipped it to me. Very special as it had been from the person's late mother--lived in Germany, had visited Lourdes, France, and had sent bottles of Lourdes' water to the adult child living in the US. I prayed asking the Lord to please heal my added ailment, for it is kind of an overload with the consistently higher level of pain.
I have not asked the Lord to help my body in as long as I can think back. So it is about time, for early morning when I wrote a lengthy blog post on sharing of suffering, the pain had been out of control, whatever is this sickness seemed worse, and I found myself calling out to Jesus--for I have felt so unworthy and inept in my spiritual life lately. I feel weak and lax as a Catholic hermit--legal, illegal, approved of by God or if to be in future approved of by a bishop.
Just very difficult for me to focus my mind other than the Scriptures inspire and guide, teach and fill me with reassurance and hope in God that He is not fed up with me, that He understands my fatigue and struggle with all that it takes to manage the physical pain and all its radiating physical, mental, and emotional facets.
And today's Psalm 130 read at Mass around the world in so many languages to so many people with souls seeking answers, succor, forgiveness, faith, hope and love from and in God, are dealing with all manner of difficulties, trials, pain, and the struggle in so wanting to please God and live our lives according to His will--surely feel as I do in these insecurities of our doing and giving our all to His All.
Tonight I'd like to read more in the John of the Cross biography; I'd like to not distract my mind from physical pain in mundane and temporal ways. I'd like to be totally still within and without and meditate into contemplation, to just silently be aware of His totality of grace, talk with Jesus and more so listen to any word or insight or image He may speak or show--but the pain is too much to bear, raw and real. But I will try even for a few seconds to then simply, silently feel the sickening pain and embrace with faith that it is the best offering I have for Jesus: the pain.
But first I will write out the verses of Psalm 130 that got me through the morning's out-of-control pain, and then the morning's temporal commitments. The Lord yet again in His Living Word reminded me that He understands my feelings and the pain, my insecurities and my self-disappointment that I am an unworthy and inadequate hermit, a weak link in accomplishing much practically and spiritually in reading and writing that is edifying to anyone. But He forgives me! That is what I am needing to grasp: Jesus is my Judge and Jury, and He forgives me all that I regret and repent. God forgives me.
"Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD.
LORD, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to my voice in supplication.
If you, O LORD, mark iniquities,
LORD, who can stand?
But with you is forgiveness,
that you may be revered.
I trust in the LORD;
my soul trusts in his word.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than sentinels for dawn.
Let Israel wait for the LORD.
For with the LORD is kindness
and with him is plenteous redemption;
and he will redeem Israel
from all their iniquities.
Each Lent is unlike any other. But each Lent is difficult. The Lord wants me to keep trying to find Him in my pain and to strive in other-centeredness, in selflessness despite how riveting is suffering. Always consider that the pain is prayer; the pain is praying, is the prayer. I do not need to fret that I am not "working" at praying, for the pain is work in a way; the pain is powerful and positive.
The Lord also wants me to face what has been a fear and a stumbling block ever since the earthly spouse shocked with walking in after work, our children about, waiting for supper to be served, and announced did not want to be married to me anymore. Said was going to start a new era of honesty, and out came admissions of double-life type affairs that were from the beginning, from when we met.
My worst issue, what I have most trouble handling, my greatest fear--is that of rejection. I have known this deep down in, but the Lord has reminded me; and the Lord wants me to face it head-on and be rid of this fear, this bug-a-boo in my mind, heart, and even taking up space, cowering, in my soul. So I'm asking the Holy Spirit to keep reminding me and pointing out when rejection is behind whatever of my emotions and thoughts. I'm asking Jesus to help me overcome this fear with greater faith. This Lent is only just begun, and big ticket items are set before me to sort, discern, then toss.
And do not forget God's forgiveness. We are forgiven for the asking, and we are loved unconditionally.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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