There is no real reason I ought feel this is a rugged day, upon a rugged cross. Increased pain should not matter at this point, for it is nothing new, all these years. The only difference is a bit more debilitation, less mobility; but even that is improving, or has been other than when I overdo as I did some later yesterday.
I'm not having success with help on digging some holes. I know I could try to move some earth between end of shovel blade and my shoes scooting loose soil out of the way. My main trial is then to be able to pick up the containers of small starts of shrubs or trees; the starts are in pots with soil, thus heavy, and I cannot bend to lift them, and they are heavier than my allotted lifting weight. I was able to pull one up to hands-height by using the reacher-grabber tool yesterday; but it was the smallest and lightest-weight of them.
I did try bending the knee and trying to keep spine straight, to lean forward with arm reaching down, such as to pull out the small leeks from a pot. If I felt better today, I'd go out and use the tip of shovel blade to try to loosen where are the dahlia bulbs, and use the reacher-grabber tool to lift them as they need to be stored for winter.
I attempt a walk today. Yesterday I was relapsed some from my having walked three days in a row. That was progress--walking those three days--other than yet again today I am relapsed further from having stood a bit too much yesterday and walking around drive and back patio, seeing if I could be of use in trying to ready the place for the coming rain and cold snap. So a simple walk might be a good way to push my body a little without over-doing.
When pain is increased, other aspects of life are a temptation to frustration with self, to go over in mind what I may have done in life to have caused situations to be such as to seem or truly be: negative. In reality, negative situations usually include and involve other persons, relationships; also that reality includes when negativity is present, others also are choosing attitudes that lend to negativity. Or we and they can chose positivity, forgiveness, understanding, and desire to move forward, to choose love. It really comes down to choice as well as emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity, all the way around.
And then, of course, for one such as I who recognizes and apologizes for flaws and errors, I must factor in that the Lord chooses, as well. He opens doors, and He closes doors, and He allows doors to remain open a crack or more, and allows free will of all persons in whatever situations, to choose to open the door farther or close it tightly.
Sometimes it is hard to really believe and accept that there is nothing more a person can say or do in situations, other than of course to love from the heart in silence, and to pray for whatever is God's will, and for the acceptance of His will--which again, includes that of how others perceive God's will in their own lives and in any given situation.
Thus the Psalm from today's Mass is so powerfully uplifting and reassuring! At first I offered it for a young woman whose love of life, a young man whom she thought would be her husband, has made it clear he is not interested in further commitment. He and she are "over." The young woman is crushed, her heart broken. There is nothing she can say or do but to accept the situation and try to stabilize as best as possible, turn to her siblings, three of whom are married, and her parents, for support in her time of rejection and heartbreak.
So when I read this Psalm this morning, I thought of the young woman with her advanced degrees, yet her life currently tossed asunder by this turn of events and the finality of it. Even if it truly is for the best, the heart is wounded! But as the day is progressing, and thoughts of some aspects of my current situation ask for my acceptance of their reality, and acceptance of their really being nothing more I can do or say other than to silently pray and keep going, try not to look back for that only stirs the pain and emotions all the more--I pray this Psalm also as a firm reminder of truth for any of us.
From Psalm 62:
Only in God is my soul at rest;
from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed at all.
Only in God be at rest, my soul,
for from him comes my hope.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed.
Trust in Him at all times, O my people!
Pour out your hearts before him;
God is our refuge!
Yesterday someone sent me a card; it was from a spiritual friend. The person wrote glowing aspects of what she sees in me, great attributes that I certainly do not see but was quite hopeful that anyone could think that good in me. It only makes me wonder how, then, can others feel quite otherwise, except one time I was told that it was only because these people who see good in me don't really know the real me. I suppose that is truth and why the discrepancy.
Thus, having people see such goodness and virtues in me, serves to humble me all the more as I know the others who do not. In fact, the person who admires had also sent an email of a man, a parish administrator, who is ill with cancer. Fortunately, it is a cancer that has a high survival rate of 5 and 10 years; he is an older man who had smoked most of his life and did not eat a healthy diet, but a man who loved his work in the parish. His plight is sad, and of course I'm praying for God's will and his health and his family.
Yet it reminded me of a threatening email I received from his wife which included him in the threat, some ten years ago. I kept it in my files due to the threatening nature of the email, of doing me physical harm if they ever encountered me in their town or elsewhere! Mercy! The message was replete with curse words and intent to do serious harm if I showed myself anywhere they might be--anywhere, dining out or going to Mass at their parish or wherever else.
The trigger point for such a threat email was my sending them a Christmas card. I had also given them money to help their daughter (now deceased from drug over dose) who was in a difficult plight. I have no idea what obviously otherwise, instilled in them such hatred of me. It is not easy to know what it is that irritates people to a point of physical threats, any more than why others keep up animosity for lack of ability to forgive, or in holding grudges. The reason for all ill resides in evil, in the devil, and in how easy it is for us to be deceived usually by pride--our own pride that is so difficult to discern in ourselves.
Thus, my own suffering is a blessing, for such as today, all the more time I am given of which I cannot distract myself easily due to being relegated to the icy pad on the bed. The plight of my having tried to do a few things of which I've not been successful in getting help as well as not wanting to impose upon yet another neighbor, has brought about a very needful and holy self-examen of conscience. To face my flaws yet again, but also to know I've been forgiven by God as well as by others, takes my own recognizing that pride in whatever little, devious ways, is what causes us to hold grudges against others or to hold onto feeling insulted.
As for the couple who threatened to "beat me up" if they ever saw me or if I ever contacted them again--I feel tremendous compassion as even ten years ago, the wife was so frail from years of smoking and poor nutrition that I wondered how she could participate in a beat down, although her husband was large and a force to be concerning. In the intervening years their eldest daughter passed tragically, and now the husband is in need of prayers in his time of tremendous suffering as he undergoes intensive chemotherapy treatments. May the Lord magnify my pain prayers for this couple!
I definitely hold responsibility for how my being, actions, and presence can bring up such tremendous anger, hurt, and upset in others. For those who tend in the opposite direction, of thinking so highly of me that I feel only worse for their accolades because I know myself as I am--I pray that somehow the Lord will grant me the grace to be even an inkling of what good those persons attribute to me.
And regardless of what anyone thinks, ill or good of me, all I know is what and who I am, increasingly as I grow older and the devil does not succeed as often in deceiving me with thoughts other than reality of my self, as I am, quite imperfect and living out consequences of my nothingness before God's ALL. For whatever else, in days of added suffering or in days of lesser pain, I know that Jesus is my Beloved Spouse, and it is He--ever loving and faithful--who never rejects, who always forgives my faults no matter how often I beg for His forgiveness and mercy.
Over and over the words of the Psalmist ring true and heal the mind, heart, and soul. Over and over I can pray these words for the young woman whose heart is broken but will heal, for the man and his wife who found much to despise in me (and I cannot blame them). I can pray this Psalm for myself who must simply accept God's will for me and in all people and situations, for better or for worse, in sickness and health, until no longer in this temporal life but am in the joy of seeking Him in His mystical glory of all Love, for all eternity.
Only in God is my soul at rest;
from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed at all.
Only in God be at rest, my soul,
for from Him comes my hope.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed.
Trust in Him at all times, O my people!
Pour out your hearts before Him;
God is our refuge!
God bless His Real Presence in us, dear readers and lovers of the Lord, Our God, and in Him, love of one another!
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