Been having more severe pain issues lately. It is difficult to keep going, and the Lord has heard this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's thoughts. I've been quite direct. Why try to fool His Real Presence? Impossible! So He knows how hard it is for us to want to live when the suffering becomes most challenging, when the true crosses we are given weigh down upon our mortal frames.
And, or course, at the same time we may be praising God for all things. Honesty, though, is always the best policy.
So it was that this body dragged its way through a couple of days. The severe pain continues in the relatively new bodily locale: liver area. Yes, recent scans show nodules and what an emergency room doctor said was a "splayed and frayed" portion of the upper right quadrant--a portion under the back rib cage and touching the bottom right lung lobe which has a larger nodule.
All is confirmed non-malignant. The Lord also understands and knows this hermit's disappointment. On earth, only those who have had death experiences or are mystics, or a couple or so persons who know the hermit for the past many years of suffering, can grasp how this could be for one to be actually eager and excited about the prospects of cancer.
It is not as a means of escaping from something, although that would be a decent enough reason. Crosses can become excruciating. Just see an inward glimpse of Jesus Christ being crucified. He cried out to God with His last breaths. I suppose it does not even take someone who has had a marvelous death experience or who is a mystic, to have a great desire to pass to the other side, to begin the new life, to be more on the way to heaven without dragging our physical bodies around with us.
Over the weekend I did try to get up and do what I could to make a little progress with the on-going efforts of making this hermitage more livable and ultimately salable. The neighbor lad, seemingly so sincere about wanting to work with promises of coming on Thursday and able to work Friday and Saturday, never showed up. I'd placed a call and left a message late Thursday when it was becoming obvious that my "guarded encouragement" that he meant what he said, was turning to reality that he was not reliable.
Ah, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!
His brother came, evidently hearing the message later on. We were able to get the bathroom cabinets into the bathroom. Of course, one is incorrect so Lowe's will be ordering a correct cabinet--the fourth try in getting four cabinets ordered correctly. I will wait another month or so on that project. The lad who did come became faint. This pained hermit walked him home to make sure he did not keel over on the road. He'd had a couple routine inoculations that morning. Promised he'd be back on Friday, as well as his brother probably coming. Did not happen.
It was all right. This hermit did what possible, and the angel Beth and St. Joseph surely helped. The trim is now installed and caulking done, and posts wrapped with trim board--the porch nearly completed.
By Saturday afternoon, the thoughts came from within where God's Will has replaced mine. And I think they were God's Thoughts nudging me to try going to confession and possibly Mass. Catholic friends and others have suggested otherwise. Why go through more persecution and hardship? Why subject myself to that? (You'd have to search back into older posts for the backlog of events, to understand what had transpired.)
However, I decided to drive the distance, for the liver-muscle-whatever pain had subsided some. The truck still loaded with mulch, I headed to the parish. The new priest was hearing confessions. I decided to remain for Mass; a man and his wife were willing for me to sit with them, for a year ago they were the ones who became alarmed when this hermit (they know not my vocation, of course--am hidden from the eyes of men in that regard!) did not move during Mass. They would remember and did, for they had called EMS only to find, after Mass, the hermit not near death nor dead but simply has a mystical phenomenon known as an ecstasy, during any Mass.
So it occurred again this time, which is fine. Lately the reminder has come to my mind (and must be the Lord's Thoughts reminding me) of what Jesus had said four years ago. He had shown me some parishioners and priests and told me they would criticize and persecute but that I was to not pay attention to them, to not be bothered by them.
The Saturday vigil Mass was marvelous! Praise God for the new priest who did not at all bastardize the Mass. There was no horror in the mystical state. All is well! In fact, there is something that I remember distinctly from the priest's homily when in a holy Mass, in the deep mystical state, usually nothing is recalled after. But the Lord wills that I would hear and recall these words from the priest.
"We have to learn to think like God thinks. And God thinks in terms of love and mercy."
What a consolation to this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's body, mind, heart and spirit! I have been so praying for God to replace my mind with His Mind--my thoughts and ideas with His Thoughts and Ideas! Increasingly, the difference between my mind and His Mind has been painfully revealed, and the dichotomy disturbing.
The answer is simple as far as discerning the difference. God thinks in terms of love and Mercy. God's Mind Is Love and Mercy. All of my thoughts can be sifted out accordingly. His Thoughts can be discerned based upon love and mercy as key.
I will be returning to Mass, if body able, once a week. I am joining the parish although I know that as a consecrated Catholic hermit, my interactions will be governed by my rule of life, the Gospel Rule, and the parameters of my eremitic vocation as set forth in the Institutes of the Church, by my vows, and as defined in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.
Prior to Mass, at the end of confession, I mentioned to the new priest that there might be a bit of a mystical state that has been occurring during Mass for going on eight years. An ecstasy by definition, but that it might not occur as has been awhile since being at a Mass in person. I also mentioned that I am a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed, going on 16 years, and at some point perhaps we might want to talk some. Yes, I'd like to be helpful with any specific prayers or spiritual needs of his efforts with the parish and my being part of the Body of Christ.
After Mass, yes, people had inquired some of the parish administrator, regarding this person they noticed at Mass. The parish administrator told me that people were "talking", and some would be judging the situation, judging the hermit without knowing me. I assured that it would be all right. We can do all we can to keep others from judging and temptation or occasions of that particular sin, but ultimately, I must keep my eyes on Jesus. Look at HIM. And remember what He said over four years ago. Others will wrongly judge and criticize you, but you are not to pay attention to them, not be bothered by them.
What a loving and merciful consolation the Lord has given me! And I must approach all as God Thinks, in love and mercy.
Praise His Real Presence! Little children, let us love God above all things and others as ourselves. We must love as Jesus loves us, as God Thinks and Is: Love and Mercy.