Too Much Joy

Well, the nothing got a bit caught up during Mass this evening, and was overcome a bit with the joy of being allowed to be a Catholic. The interior conversation included the dear guardian angel Beth, and the nothing had a tremendous outpouring of love and gratitude to this loving being who has helped the nothing through many rough times, and who stayed with the nothing in despairs and horrendous sufferings, through failings and falls, and through, well, all of life.

How is it Beth and the nothing now were experiencing such massive joy and peace for these months? It seems only to get better and better! The nothing is beginning to fear others appreciating the nothing--fears the B. thinking the nothing can pray well, and that the spiritual da says the nothing is an inspiration to him. It is becoming a bit too much in expectation, for the nothing is nothing.

So it is really too much good, isn't it? Too much joy and peace, and the nothing is not worthy. The nothing tried to explain that to the VG, saying that the nothing can't quite get him to understand how unworthy is the nothing to experience this. Well, it came about because the nothing in its little job prior to Mass, made sure all the extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion had signed in and found one volunteer to fill in. The Bishop celebrated the Mass, and this was an unexpected delight.

The Mass was exceptional; the Masses are becoming each more exceptional than the preceding, and the nothing was in jubilation with Beth over how much goodness the angel and the nothing are now experiencing, and that the nothing and Beth will have this goodness all the days of life and beyond, for now it is that we have come to some point of being within the Sacred Heart, and sufferings and criticisms and slights and knowing the nothing's unworthiness, do not affect the nothing and its angel. (Well, they never did affect the angel other than the angel's trying to deal with the nothing who would react!)

The Bishop's homily exhorted and challenged us to spiritual heights during Lent: of obedience and humility and prayer. The nothing would do anything for its Bishop. The nothing had written a letter to its Bishop just this morning, on this First Sunday of Lent, and expressed that the nothing is not good at prayer but promises to try, and asks the Bishop to please not think well of the nothing, for the nothing's prayers are filled with impurities of self, and that is why perpetual humility is needed: so the prayers can be more useful to God and His Church.

During Mass, when it was time for us to go near the altar to assist at Communion, the nothing was so taken in joy and having deep and loving gratitude for being ALLOWED to be a Catholic and for having been given by God such a loving angel--dear Beth--that the nothing needed to rouse out, wipe eyes--but too late! The cantor had come to the microphone and announced that five Eucharistic ministers were needed! How awful! The nothing realized that the others had waited for the nothing to get up and go; and the nothing was in a kind of joyful oblivion of prayerful gratitude. Perhaps a minute had passed, in all, no more than two--but we managed, regardless. So it was later that the nothing apologized, and the one receiving the apology said that perhaps we were deep in prayer.... Well, that was rather the truth--that and in joy and such loving appreciation of Beth. But it is all too much to try to explain.

Yet, if Beth cannot take the nothing to task and get it up and where it needs to be, in better order, then the nothing may have to reconsider the little task it loves and is honored to be able to do.
There was the error in lectoring, also, in being in prayer during the prayers of the faithful, to the point that a wrong response was lectored. The Lord surely would want the nothing to do its job and do it well. The nothing must be attentive to the task in the Order of the Present Moment!

But later, after Mass, the nothing then had an encounter with the older woman who questioned why and how it was that the nothing had been given the little sacristan task. But even this encounter which solidified the woman's resentment, did not affect the nothing. The nothing smiled but went about putting the holy instruments of the Mass in their cupboard and drawers. The woman is no doubt correct: the nothing does not deserve to have that job, and the nothing, if it continues to be deep in joy and messes up, ought not have that job!

Then there was a moment or so with the Bishop, and telling him that a letter was written that morning, but that the nothing mainly wanted him to please not think well of the nothing. He said he certainly could not think ill of the nothing. He said he wanted to read the letter and would read it with interest; but now the nothing thinks it might be as well to not send it, for a point was to express how the nothing tries to pray, but not to think the nothing can pray well, for there is so much impurity. So the nothing expressed again that perpetual humility is needed so that praying will be more pleasing to God, and more pure; and the Bishop said that God brings that grace over time. He said he will pray for the nothing but wants the nothing to pray for humility for the nothing's Bishop. The nothing thinks the Bishop already has humility; but the Bishop said it is hard for a Bishop to have humility, and so he would pray for the nothing if the nothing would pray for the Bishop: for both of us to be given humility. It's a deal, then. Will do.

But as for the nothing's letter and the things written in it, and all the loving things going on inside the nest of the Sacred Heart, and the little messages of love and joy--the nothing is wondering about trying to relate it, for it seems too much to deal with and not important, anyway, to try to explain. The nothing tried to explain to the confessor even some of the unworthiness, and wanted to try to explain why the nothing did not get up on time at Communion, but it is still too much to try to explain, and isn't important, anyway.

The Lord will do as He wills, and the mystery of obedience is to remain always in His will, for He is in the Father's will, and the will of the Holy Spirit binds all in loving union of wills. Obedience, then is very important, as is loving gratitude to God and all His gifts to us creatures. Much gratitude to our angels. And much love for those who better deserve what we are somehow given, but we are given these graces, and are grateful. Yet it all seems presumption: being loved, being approved of as a soul child of God, being asked to pray for intentions, not having any living or deceased enemies in the whole universe, loving all slights and struggles, loving God, loving all souls, loving all, loving. Trying to express this to the Bishop or the confessor seems presumption.

The nothing has come to share little with anyone except to write it somewhat here, not easily expressed, but in anonymity. Why? The nothing is not sure except that perhaps what the nothing experiences are the struggles and foibles and also the graces that others experience but perhaps do not have the time to write, or the inclination. Or perhaps ideas will come to others, to encourage to climb beyond and more adeptly, more quickly, than the nothing who just last night was awakend and told: You are to remain hidden.

So, is this being hidden? Not sure. What was told in the night seemed in context with the Bishop's telling the nothing that he was not opposed to what the nothing now feels no need for. It would have to be totally hidden. For the nothing is to remain hidden. But these things told us in the silence of soul, often have many layers--only to be understood, if in even partial fullness, over time and in varying circumstances.

Perhaps the nothing's suffering is to remain hidden, or the yearning for God to remain hidden, or greater suffering to come to remain hidden, or as a hermit to remain hidden. But remain means-- with added emphasis in the re--"to stay." The nothing has stayed writing anonymously, but of some inner and personal thoughts and experiences. And the nothing has remained in and not known in vocation or in any other aspects, to those around it who see the nothing regularly.

Well, it is sublime, being a Catholic, being a nothing, being a hermit and victim soul and a genderless soul in nothingness, nesting within the Sacred Heart, awaiting the grace of perpetual humility that might take many sufferings and humiliations to come; for humility is an on-going work in progress, a grace perpetually asking for the soul's cooperation in dying to self.