Continuing with transferring posts from previous writings on one of my other blog sites:
The reality of still the temporal knowing that one's life cannot be of the temporal other than in what is external only--and with intense physical suffering as well as the mystical sufferings, energy is required: inner and outer energy. Two texts came early and one phone call, the latter an ophthalmologist appointment reminder. One text is easy to embrace in response; I am practiced in being temporal and caring of what are the needs and concerns of loved ones in their temporal lives; it does not take much to switch the focus to outer details of a real estate investment closing.
Love and loving familiarity provide the ease of my concern and support in how most perceive, interact, live, and have mission in more the externals required of marvelous temporal world. It is good and as it should be for most. Yet everyone has an inner; everyone is the same in having a soul and having been created by God and at some point or many, will become aware or already are aware, of God. The interaction with and awareness of God varies and, hopefully, increases despite the externals of everyday life's distractions.
The second text required more emotional energy, for it is not someone I hear from often and in fact rarely, but was one I grew up with from birth and early years in family. Yet, for someone whose purpose and calling is that of more mystical than less, I suppose the attributes may be given at birth. (Or even at moment of the soul or somehow prior, I don't know; but only can sense would be prior to birth--the way of being and path for whatever type of soul.) I realize that when very young, the inner was pronounced, prominent, but without my grasping why relationships with others vary, or that others' way of sensing, perceiving, being and acting could be not as my own way. We have strong natural attachment to ourselves, after all!
In the fatigue of pain this morning, I fell into a type of pain-effect sleep--the type that is difficult to rouse awake. I dreamt, and tremendous pain evidenced in the dream. I was in such pain that I felt strong need to contact a priest--for encouragement and counsel as to the type, degree, and location of pains afflicting the temporal and spiritual. In the conviction that a priest could help explain the reason and spiritual aspects of the tremendous suffering, I contacted a priest in dream-ability to do so.
I next found myself suffering in an outer room and then in hallway of a church office building, and I could hear and see through walls, back to a room in which the priest was talking over various temporal aspects of the job, of administration of parish duties and parishioners' temporal requests as well as church in general--temporal needs. This included the temporal, personal lives of both the priest and the secretary who after office work have their interests, responsibilities, and activities to accomplish.
The need I had for spiritual counsel and advice became even stronger as I suffered pain bodily as well as of spiritual, of soul, of also the mystical emphasis of my own life. A need to be helped with my needing to accept fully the mission--the mystic reality of my life on earth not being other than functionally, minimally, situation-specific temporal. I wanted help knowing for sure, or some word of encouragement and understanding--reassurance--that this tremendous life of suffering and of Christian mystical profundity and basis is that which I'm to fully give over to God and live out--in what ways and purpose yet unclear. I needed to discuss with a priest this matter with the intense physical suffering also seeming to be not only quite temporal and tangible but also mystically rooted.
But through the walls of hall and another room until seeing into the back room where priest and secretary were discussing their temporal responsibilities and duties of church and lives to be lived, the secretary brought up that I wished to speak with him. I could see and hear in the priest's reaction that he did not at all want to have to deal with someone like me; and the "type" of the priest in the dream was of the first priest the Lord had me go to 25 years ago when it was time for me to stop resisting God's will and to step fully into the Catholic Church. It was that priest who assured me I am a mystic and also a victim soul, and introduced me to the life of Sr. Josefa Menendez (mystic and victim soul) through the book The Way of Divine Love.
There was no talking with the priest in the dream. No counsel, advice, or encouragement even as to my intensely horrible, physical pain and suffering. Definitely would not be any discussion or advisement or understanding regarding my mystical life and dilemma of purpose and what God wants of me, His will and the mission I'm to fulfill in the Church. I recall the priest even became angry with me, as I could hear him blaming me for wasting his time and of my being ridiculous or a problem person, or such.
There may have been other aspects after that sequence, but the temporal pain-fatigue kept me in that imprisoned-type sleep, unable to week up yet as if conscious in the attempt while still in that other realm. Eventually I did awaken, took the pain med past-due, and noticed someone had sent an email. The email shared the person's problem and concern being dealt with over a few days now, and that is of discerning returning to Mass since the COVID-19 lockdown is raised to include religious gatherings with precautions established. The person's problem, temporal, is that the person is strongly opposed to using commercial hand-sanitizers due to their having chemicals in them. The person had emailed the priest several days ago asking if all right to use the person's own, home-made hand sanitizer.
There was some disappointment as the priest's secretary evidently reads the emails sent to the priest and fields them, so the secretary had told the person that the priest would need to be asked per that request. (Part of the protocol for attending Mass now is to use hand sanitizer that will be provided at all entrances to the church as well as wear masks, not sing, and try not to touch surfaces as much as possible, etc.) Since the person wanted to be able to talk with the priest and evidently not through other channels, or perhaps the secretary said would need to ask the priest, meaning the person with request, the person is going to call on day off, Saturday, when can be available for the priest to return the call.
I marveled, for one, thing, that the email was a temporal "exclamation point" to what I had been shown just earlier while in the pain-fatigue sleep state or whatever it is, and emphasizing to me the reality of the types of needs of parishioners that require attention and answers, energy and interchange written or verbally, decisions to be made of temporal. Or if spiritual, are mostly of dilemmas of temporal situations in which the parishioner has done a wrong and is confessing and receiving counsel as well as sacramental absolution with penance suggested.
Or that the person is needing advice and counsel regarding temporal vocation even if, of course, a vocation has spiritual basis. But the bulk of even vocation discernment will deal with the temporal aspects of living that vocation be it marriage or holy orders, religious life, and so forth. Or the discussions with priest will involve other types of advice or help in counseling parishioners in how to handle family, career, work-place, interpersonal relationships including with other parishioners, parish council business, parish programs and activities, and so forth, mostly temporal intellectual- and/or institution-related
Also, I had reminder from the priest "type" in the dream, of that first priest and a mystical situation that occurred within the first year or so of my confirmation as a Catholic that was very much a time of my being in a major, physical pain episode, plus I had a most unusual, at the time, mystical experience so real and also, though, needing my temporal action but greatly spiritual in import, and a soul's salvation was at stake. I may write of this in a separate blog post. But this is another aspect of this morning's dream and message, that is further reassurance of why I'm to pass through the mystic portal now--past due to make the full commitment and do it.
And it is not going to be diocese bishops or parish priests who are available nor mostly experienced nor even particularly interested in the actual effort and energy and possibly study of mysticism and mystical theology, of mystics' lives--to actually understand what is involved and what may be asked of them, or to guide and help discern, interpret, or on occasion "do" if some action required through the mystic's visions and locutions.
I am reminded and given understanding of how busy in the daily temporal duties and with general spiritual life needs of bishops and priests. I realize that their time and energy also includes preparing a homilies for weekend Mass, or reviewing ones on file from years past, or at least preparing their mind and thoughts in order to speak on the Scripture readings for daily Mass sermons. And, of course, they have the major responsibilities involved in celebration of Mass and offering and performing the Sacraments of the Church--particularly that of reconciliation (confession), baptism, marriage and officiating the ceremonies, anointing of sick and dying, and celebrating funeral Masses.
Thus, I returned to the response from the scholar, theologian, and leading expert on Christian mysticism to whom I'd written a very lengthy (but just a tip of iceberg) correspondence giving some of my mystical experiences and background, and asking any advice. And to my amazement, I received a response. I'm sharing it below for it will help me be reminded of the counsel given which while as he states is brief, it is right on more than he could possibly know. The response also had me re-read what I'd written to see how jumbled and poorly constructed, and run-on with this and that of a life that cannot be expressed easily nor in even a lengthy email. I need to be reminded of how I come across in writing to those who do no know me nor have met me in person, or spoken with me on phone. It is quite humbling, my writing especially when pain high but very much so with age, it seems.
Dear [name used on my email],
Thank for your your long communications, which I read with interest. I'm not sure what you want me to do in response. As you know, I'm fully prepared to accept that special mystical graces are still given by God, although many doubt this today, especially, alas, among the clergy. I'm not surprised you have experienced opposition. But, on the other side, who certifies the legitimacy of these gifts? Only history (or better, the Holy Spirit acting in history). So, my brief counsel to you is to depend on the Spirit.
With Every Blessing,
Bernard
This response is most satisfying for many reasons. I was humbled that a most busy person would respond at all, and also that he'd read through (hopefully skimmed quickly) my lengthy jumble I'd sent (shared on previous blog post here as "first communication" in title).
I also realized that in mentioning various mystical experiences, I must have projected that I wanted validation of the experiences. Legitimacy is not what I seek at this point. Too many from decades ago that were also witnessed by others in addition to various temporal outcomes that are or were tangible, as well as the mystical ecstasy during Mass that is visible and picked over plenty by a bishop and a monsignor soon after they began nearly 12 years ago. I want to know what I'm to be doing if anything, for the Church, and that, of course, toward the close of this marvelous soul of a man's response hits upon the very means that will provide the path forward and unfold all necessary.
But I am gratified that this expert on Christian mysticism as internationally renowned author on topic for over 50 years as his life purpose and mission, with vast fruit in volumes of writings, university teaching, and perhaps thousands of lectures and talks--believes himself and accepts that God yet today gives mystical graces to us, His people.
And particularly I am grateful in a personal healing way, or acknowledgement, of some brutal-type misunderstanding and mistreatment by Catholics--parishioners and clerics alike--have left on me personally--through what the Catholic himself with brief cleric status, expressed as the doubt of many today, especially among clergy. I still need healing, Lord! My initial email and those emails to my bishop and parish priest, recently, display the poured out past not only of the marvelous mystical experiences, plentiful and of various types, with meaning and message to them, but also I maybe seemed "unglued" as I also wrote of the awful response and inhumane type reactions by clergy regarding the temporal effects of the mystical experiences that often involved clerics as well as parishes and the Church. It seems mystics are often utilized by God to reveal some wrongs or given the assignment of revealing as well as needing to actively bring a needed reform even if it involves a cleric.
So the statement leading up to the most riveting, pivotal, and miraculous words of advice deal with that point about legitimacy of mystical experiences (of which I already have explained is not my need in life at this point, or answer I was seeking without knowing exactly what in asking, I was needing. But I do find the point he makes as to only history, or better,the Holy Spirit acting in history, can certify legitimacy of my mystical gifts. Not my problem! I won't be around then, mercifully!
When I'm thankfully out of this temporal life of constant suffering--temporally, spiritually, and mystically--I won't have to deal with the unexpected experiences that pop into my temporal existence requiring me to discern the message and meaning, and to know if some action overtly required (usually there is an action or reaction asked by God without His saying so, with or without words). Over the years, God expects more of me in figuring from the clues, of sorts, that mystical experiences can contain in abundance of detail or also in obscurity of metaphor, image or no image, word, or wordless mystical event of varying types and formats. So, no, I could care less about legitimization! Selfishly, perhaps, I just need to get through what days, months, or years left on earth.
Each day such as today, there can be the great temptation to want out of this pained body without fulfilling the mission that I have found elusive--but probably because I have resisted God's will and the leadings of the Holy Spirit due to my thinking too temporally. I have used intellect and reason according to what one would think temporally logical regarding the institution of the Church. For example, 11 years ago I was at this very point of realizing that God seemed to be Himself closing doors and trying to keep me out of the temporal Catholic world--the parishes, diocese, any type of temporal utilization, and even seemed to be making it impossible in parishes for me to even be allowed to go to Mass due to the mystical ecstasies during Masses. Priests did now want me in their parishes! Opposition to me--merciful heaves: Yes!
But now is this brief but most powerful advice from Bernard McGinn, and that is, again:
Depend on the Spirit.
That's all I need, my marching orders! And events of these days between Ascension Thursday and Pentecost Sunday have been fruitful in the Spirit's preparing me for the passing through the mystic portal in some unknown-to-me significant way on Sunday, on the Solemnity of Pentecost, when the universal Church of which is the entire Mystical Body of Christ in Her members world-wide, will celebrate the reception of Christ sending us the Holy Spirit to be with us on earth as teacher, Paraclete, guide and director until the end of time.
This morning's dream and emailed exclamation point as reminder of how busy are bishops and priests and the temporal needs and lives of others, of parishioners, and of also the individual lives of the clergy in addition to their clerical responsibilities and duties have also their own persona lives, needs. All of humanity has the spiritual need even if weighted more with the temporal of intellect and institution--and awareness more of temporal daily life.
Depend on the Spirit!
All can become aware of the mystical realm of the Trinity, of where we all will be when this temporal life of ours are over. We all are on the mystical spectrum of seeking God even if we have no awareness we are even a dot on the spectrum; some are aware and in progression despite of course their vocations in life including marital or single, ecclesial, and careers, recreation, study, and all things of this beautiful, God-created world. And some, are more designated to be as if extreme examples, or to become guides, so to speak. I use the imagery of the sherpas who are to specifically learn mountaineering skills so as to not only climb themselves but to also be guides for others. And what mountain do we climb? The Holy Mountain of God, to God, through God, with God, in God.
I must not waiver this time in passing through the mystic portal. I must depend on the Holy Spirit! The Lord has now reduced me and removed most hindering of some temporal distractions even not to have the situation of a long time friend. Distractions He wills not, are being cleared and will continue to be cleared, of those I do not detach from myself. from Of course there can be denial of some distractions, some resistance, and some pain in letting go as if one is literally passing from physical life into the death that we all will embrace when God determines is what is best for His purposes. God does not see as we see; God does not reason as we reason; God is not attached to our attachments, as He is only attached to His Creation in love, in loving desire for us to be subsumed into His Allness, or the apophatics might say, His nothingness, or could be expressed in so many words, including His Supernal Beingness.
Perhaps I've written myself out for now. The pain is slightly less. Perhaps I can rise from bed and "do" a few tasks of which there are many to be done here in my abode, Solus Deus. The vegetables and fruits planted in large containers need watering since sun is waning. If regain some of the physical stamina that pain robs, perhaps I can begin organizing items in the garage as on Tuesday an order of windows, doors, and flooring will be delivered from Home Depot.... How I will manage projects--well, I must depend on the Holy Spirit.
God bless His Real Presence in us: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!
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